• Member Since 6th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

The Real Darkness


"You're wrong, I have the power of peace if I can unite all under one banner. When we all have the same goal, paradise, the world will be at rest."

T

Edward and Alphonse stumbled upon an alchemist's world viewing transmutation theory.After crafting two stones to use for the transmutation and acquiring the necessary ingredients to carry it out, the brothers attempted it.But, did things turn out like they were supposed to?

FullMetal Alchemist crossover.

A hint of shipping included but not enough to put the tag on.It is much later on.I may decide to use it in this story.

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 54 )

awesome but I half wish that it was longer:derpytongue2:

2831882

Later on I planned an event that will add a lot of length to the story.It isn't any close but I am already proofreading chapter 3 and 4.

Comment posted by The Real Darkness deleted Jul 6th, 2013

2831982

I already have many chapters of this in my files.I just need to revise and proofread them.Two more chapters have been added

It was a clear and shiny day as the Elric brothers were out in a field with a green stone between them and
a huge alchemical circle that has never been used but has been theorized.The brothers were about to use
alchemy in a way no one has before.The circle placed in a large area of dried dirt was displayed on the ground
being about fifty feet in diameter.

you really need an editor bro, your word choice doesn't flow very well.

2832745

I could use an editor but, I seemed to have clearly missed that when I was proofreading.I was rushing a bit on this one so it is understandable.If you or if anyone you know could make a good editor for me than please let me know.

I'm also new to this site.So, I appreciate the pleasant way of commenting upon my error.I have seen some people on here, while I was checking the site out, that just didn't know how to give feedback in a decent way.

... yeesh... the grammar and formatting errors are rather bad. I could be your editor if you want. I can fix grammatical and formatting errors, and rewrite very very small bits if necessary. I can expand a scene into better detail a little, but not much. With what little I've scene thus far, I would suggest trying to find someone to whom can be a co-author. This story of yours is in three groups. Create a new thread in one, two, or all of these groups asking for a co-author. Someone who can help to flesh out the scenes if your not able to.

I like the premise for getting them there (even if the alchemical ingredients bit makes no sense in accordance to the alchemical laws of the FMA:B universe) and their aren't many FMA:B crossovers on this site. This one has plenty of potential, though some plot related things need to be fixed first; 1. Alphonse. Doesn't. Sleep!!!, 2. Fluttershy accepted them a tad bit too quickly (before hearing about Ed being injured, which wasn't mentioned during the fight scene), 3. The whole automail bit feels way too rushed and nonchalant. Ed wouldn't just bring that fact up, it's not in his character. I have a few ideas of how to better bring it up. (depending upon how the next chapter goes, firstly is Twilight realizes it when she examines Ed and Al) 4. Give the characters some time to observe the scenery and react to it as the walk to the library. As well as the reactions of the few other Ponyville citizens that would be up at this hour.

2835160

You, sir, have really caught my attention.I can see from all these point outs you would be a great editor.I would be really appreciative if you were.The reason for the ingredients is because they are the basic elements for life and what life required.It would make sense to use them as ingredients.The transmutation was also THEORIZED.I plan to take some of those suggestions as I didn't think of them during the making of it.Thanks for all these ideas and suggestions.I really want you as an editor for this story.Anyways, I am still a little new to this site so I'll have to know how an editor works.A co-author I don't plan on at all unless I am offered for a story, even then I would only give small ideas and point out minor flaws.And I won't have Twilight discover the automail but rather Rarity.Alphonse may not sleep but he goes into a dormant state if you recall when his sockets dim.He is still alert to everything though.That was put their because Fluttershy would most likely freak out.Remember that Fluttershy is the element of kindness.Why wouldn't she help them after hearing about an injury.If you were Fluttershy, would you slam the door and deny medical help?I think not

also need spaces after punctuations like periods and commas and such.

2849989

That is obvious no need to say it. I am going over to fix that right now. But, please comment on how I did with the story.

While i like the story and all it just needs a bit of work. that and it somewhat feels rushed if we're already nearing the end.. and i as i can see from your previous comment you're gonna fix all the errors so i don't feel the need to point that out

2859486

I'm not nearing the end I have about three or four chapters planned out in. I don't see how you think this is rushed. It may be just that you are a fast reader and it didn't take you long to read all this.

2867840

And you can expect (spoiler spoiler spoilers) to want and get some revenge.

Let's just hope he doesn't get too pissed and incinerates....just about everything.

My main problem with this is mustang. Mainly because he basically had his dream crushed about not becoming fuehrer and he's fine with it. Also the whole line with" I,ll destruct the ear with alchemy while I go up the stairs". Bit to much exposition with that. But it's fine.

2892489 If you were sucked into a world which you had no idea existed...wouldn't you put all things about you aide for one moment? Plus, Roy is the calm type. While through the story, it may seem like he is just fine with it...he is going crazy in his mind. He has had military training, so he will appear many things. The story follows Edward, not Mustang. We wouldn't really know what he is thinking.

2892689
Still mustang isn't one to forgive easily.there should be a altenit ending were he just destroys him.

2893234 Request impossible. *inert bluescreen of not happening here*

Please use spaces and paragraphs.

3 more chapters then i'll pass my judgement.

2859528 It's rushed.
The fights were really really rushed, might've aswell have written 'Greed died.' And just leave it there.
'Sigh' Anyways, yeah, it's quite rushed, it feels like the story's gonna end next chapter.

If I come past this story by accident and it's got a new chapter, i'll read it, but untill then i'll just leave it to it's fate.

2944624 Better than another dislike. I'll rarely have the time to change things since internet.

Possible EdLu pairing? :derpyderp1:

I was expecting EdTwi... But if he gets paired up with one of them, that would later make him... A prince!?

*snickers* :rainbowlaugh:

3026739 Hadn't thought of that...I'm thinking of not going through with it due to how far behind I am.

will you be continuing the story?

3064653 Guaranteed to continue.

I promise to my readers that this story will go on, but it will take a while so check out Never Leave Me. That is the story I'm working on whenever I have free time in my academics or at home. I'm trying my best to get chapters up.

You're rushing the story so much that nearly half the time I don't even and accidentally half the story (if you know what I mean).

Elric bros enter game, new server.
find Fluttershy with immediate freak-out and short cliche intro (rinse and repeat with her friends).
cliche disaster happens, Elric bros saves the day and secret discovered followed by sob story.
meet princesses and ''go directly to Canterlot, do not collect insults from BlueBlood even if you pass him!''.
''The Elements, elric bros and princesses have logged in on royal chatroom'' ''Lust joins party, Lust invites Wrath [Accepted]'' ''Greed joins Elric bros party'' ''Elric bros perma-bans Lust and wrath''.
''M/S Luna'' sets sail for Edward island and sinks before its out of harbour.
Greed use troll'n'run.
Elric bros want to stay. Ed perma-bans Greed. Elric bros presents weak excuse and resort to ''leave server''
Elric bros misclick on ''invite Roy mustang'' instead of ''join anime server'' *Achivment: kidnap your boss!*, Ed salvage M/S Luna.

It's like Ed and Al says one thing, and in the next sentence they'll contradict themselves! Please, we want the story, not the summary!

3192528
I know this piece isn't one of my best works and I really am trying my best at it, at all of my stories.

ATTENTION! I have thought of such a twist in this story that will cause epic things to happen...More fights, romance shall be put in, and great things shall be achieved.

3686575
My other stories are calling me and I hit a block on this.

looks at last post ... 19 weeks
Hiatus for all that time
FFFFFFFFFUUUU- finding a good fic and its basicly cancelled ...
NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuu-

Oke dats it dat took the cake i fave dis story now i dont care how long it teaks too compliet dis is puur gold

And with col Mustang dare it jest get beter :pinkiegasp:

Duddddeeeeee update already!:twilightangry2:

4544637 What would you say you're best story is?:rainbowhuh:

5055891
Tough question...according to your opinions, Protect Your Honor.
I personally think Darkness, an Eternity or Greatswords and Great Fjords are my best.

5058690 Thanks for an honest oppinion because most authors just tell me what I want to hear.:twilightsmile::yay::trollestia:

thinks about reading....then looks to when it was last updated

DAMMIT, cant find story with FMA and good pace, plus flutts seems ooc

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