Pinkie Pie knew it wasn't good to stay cooped up inside all day and night, she just HAD to get Twilight out of the library. Twilight wasn't use to life in Ponyville yet and spent most of her time in the library tree, studying.
(But what would convince her to get outside? … Oh oh! Cupcakes! That always makes me want to go outside! If I make a bunch of different ones, I can ask Twilight to taste test them, then she'll want to be outside! Oh, wait; a picnic! That would be perfect! But I wouldn't want to leave out the others... I'll just invite them all, and then Twilight can't say no, because everyone else will be going too! Then I'll have Twilight taste test right afterwards. This is the the most perfectest greatest plan!)
Pinkie Pie bounced into the library, in search of a pony needing a picnic. A quick look showed that the purple mare was by the desk, reading a couple of books at once while she made cross references. The hyper mare hopped over and landed right next to the unicorn who gave a small jump of surprise while dropping the books she had been levitating.
“Hey Twilight! I had this great idea, what if we had a picnic! We'd have it in the park, for a park picnic, unless you wanted it somewhere else, then it would be a somewhere-else picnic, which could be fun too! I'm inviting everyone else as well! Do you want to come? Do ya do ya do ya?” Pinkie Pie asked as she leaned in towards Twilight, staring straight into her eyes.
“Umm, I don't know Pinkie...” Twilight hedged as she backed up a little from the pink pony. She magicked the books once more to get them off the floor and neatly stacked them next to the desk.
Pinkie Pie's smile faltered a little and turned into a full blown pout with puppy dog eyes as she knelt in front of Twilight, putting both hooves together in the begging position. Twilight sighed as she closed her eyes, trying to block the view but knew that it was still there.
“Please please please with sugar on top and a cherry and those little star sprinkles you like and just the right amount of fudge and caramel and -”
“Alright! Alright Pinkie. When is it?” Twilight couldn't believe she caved in so quickly and rubbed at her temple, Pinkie's rush of pleas were hard to understand at high speeds.
“YAY!” Pinkie Pie yelled as she jumped up from the floor. “It's at noon and in the park near the old oak tree. I'm off to invite everypony else! Bye~!” Pinkie flew off to invite the rest of their friends as Twilight merely shook her head at the speed and response. Somehow the pink pony could get Twilight to do just about anything when looking at her like that.
Twilight sighed as she turned to the books and checked the clock. She still had two hours, she could finish a book or two.
“Spike! Remind me about the picnic in two hours, I'm going to try and get a little more reading done!” Twilight shouted as she pulled a book over from the stack next to her.
“Ok Twilight.” Spike agreed as he dusted the shelves from on top of a ladder, shaking his head in shock at how quickly Twilight had given in to Pinkie's puppy-dog eyes.
Pinkie Pie zoomed into the Boutique, where Rarity was putting the finishing touches on one of the many dresses in the room.
“Hey Rarity! Are you hungry? 'Cause I am! Let's have a picnic! A park picnic! Pack your nicest blanket, it's going to be a great day~” Pinkie almost-sang as she hopped around the unicorn who had stopped in her tracks to watch the pink mare.
“Um, sure darling. When is it?” Rarity asked as she took off her red glasses and set them on the nearby table. Pinkie Pie had stopped right in front of the grayish-white unicorn and grinned.
“It's at noon and not a moment too soon. See you there!” The party pony said a little louder than needed as she turned around rapidly and hopped out of the Boutique.
The unicorn blinked a few times before shrugging at the usual antics of her friend and went in search of her best blanket. One simply does not have a picnic on the grass! She began to search her well-stuffed closet for just the right blanket for the afternoon's picnic.
Pinkie Pie's next stop was at Sweet Apple Acres, in search of a certain cowpony who was at the time applebucking in the west fields.
(As if she would be doing anything else! Ha ha, ooohh, that means that she'll have some delicious apples on hoof for our picnic! OH OH! And that would go great with cupcakes! Sweet!) The pink mare thought of all the food they would have at the picnic as she jumped from tree top to tree top on her way to where the orange mare was kicking.
Pinkie Pie hid in the next tree that would be bucked and once the cowpony was underneath, she popped out with a “SURPRISE! COME TO THE PARK PICNIC!” Once she finished yelling, Pinkie Pie had a huge smile on her face at the cowpony's surprise.
Applejack fell forward and tottered for a moment before settling all four hooves onto the ground once more.
“Consarn' it Pinkie Pie. You sure did give me ah heart attack. What's this about a picnic?” Applejack looked up to the pink mare as she frowned a little at having been surprised like that.
“I'm inviting everyone to a picnic in the park. Could you come and bring some of your great apple food?” Pinkie Pie asked as she jumped down and landed in front of the other earth pony.
“Well shoot. 'Course I can sugar cube. What time is it?” Applejack asked as she settled her hat more firmly on her head (it had almost come off when the pink pony surprised her).
“It's 10:15 right now! But don't worry, you have plenty of time to get ready, the picnic's not until noon! See you there!” Pinkie Pie said as she zoomed away, heading on her way to find the speedster and much shier friends.
Applejack just shook her head with a smile and turned to head back to the house, she'll need to get cooking to meet everyponies' hungry needs.
Pinkie skipped over to Fluttershy's cottage, she still hadn't found Rainbow Dash yet but hopefully the other peagasus knew where she was. As she skipped up to the small house, she saw that Rainbow Dash was performing some tricks to the crowd of animals and peagasus below in the field that was to the left of the house.
With a last flourish of a spin and flap of the wings, Rainbow Dash landed down and Pinkie Pie could just barely make out the sound of Fluttershy congratulating the cyan pony.
“Hey guys! Gosh, those were some cool tricks Rainbow Dash! Did you guys want to come to the picnic today? There'll be lots of yummy food and everyone else will be there! It will be at noon and it'll be in the park. It will really cool!” Pinkie Pie asked as she walked up to the two peagasi.
Fluttershy gave a 'meep' of surprise at the sound of another pony and hid behind Rainbow Dash, who merely rolled her eyes. By the time Pinkie finished her question, Fluttershy had mostly came out from behind the cyan mare. Pinkie Pie kept her voice softer and did less sudden movements so that she wouldn't scare the cream-yellow mare.
“Sure thing Pinkie! Sounds good to me. I'm going to go and get some more practice in before hoof though, I'll see you guys there!” Rainbow said as she took off in a flash of colors.
Pinkie Pie tilted her head a little at the sudden take-off, and turned to look at the remaining peagasus.
“Oh.. um.. hi... uhm.... If... If everypony else is going.... I guess... I could go...” Fluttershy muttered, while she scrapped her right hoof on the ground.
“Great! See you there Fluttershy. Sorry for scaring you.” Pinkie said as she turned and walked away. She didn't want to scare the other too much with her sudden speed.
“Oh, that's .. ok... bye...”
(Everyone is going to be able to make it, even though it was short notice, and it's promising to be a very super-duper yummy picnic! This is working out great! Pinkie Pie, you are a genius!)
Soon the seven friends met in the park, with only one tree nearby to offer shade. It was a rather nice day out and perfect for a picnic. The food was great, a mixture of apple foodstuff and desserts. Everyone was enjoying the food and having a great time.
Rainbow Dash was sitting next to Fluttershy and telling her about her latest heroic adventure. Fluttershy listened and oh'ed and ah'ed at all the right moments, giving her cyan friend her moment to shine.
Applejack was sitting under the nearby tree with her hat pulled down over her eyes, taking a nice nap to relax.
Spike was trying to impress Rarity with some tales of his work in the library, to which the unicorn half-listened as she drew on a notepad some inspirations that came from being outside and with friends.
Pinkie Pie was sitting next to Twilight since she wanted the purple unicorn to be the one most relaxed of the group. Luckily, Twilight was enjoying herself, relaxing in the sun with good food and great friends. The party mare watched as the studious mare's body slowly loosened from all the work in the library, to which Pinkie gave a great big smile for a mission accomplished.
The seven friends spent most of the afternoon sitting in the park enjoying each other's company and the food. But like a party, all good things must come to an end, and everypony else had things they had to go and finish before the day was over.
“Sorry darling, but I must get back to work. It was a marvelous picnic; we simply must get together again. Toddle-lo!” Rarity said as she packed up the blanket and walked home to finish her dress making, notepad of new ideas tucked away in her saddle bags.
“Ah gottah be going too, sugar. Applebucking waits for nopony. Thanks for the picnic Pinkie Pie. See y'all later!” Applejack said as she headed back to the farm, refreshed from the relaxation.
“Yeaaahhh, I gotta go too. I want to try and work on my latest tricks for the Wonderbolts! I call it, the Amazingly Awesome Rainbow Flash! Once I got it down, I'll show everypony. See you guys later.” Rainbow Dash said as she flew off in a flash to the open skies.
“Oh um... I've gotta go too, if that's ok... Thanks for the picnic, Pinkie Pie. It was lovely... bye..” Fluttershy quietly said as she flew close to the ground towards her cottage, where her animals were waiting to be fed.
Luckily, Twilight didn't have anything else to do and was content to stay in the park reading her book, while Pinkie Pie planned to stay and have her test out her latest creations.
(All according to plan!) Pinkie Pie thought to herself as she rubbed her hooves together for a moment before turning to look at purple mare.
“Hmm, well, the library should be fine without me for a little longer and it really is nice out here. I think I'll just keep reading for a while longer.” Twilight said as she settled back onto the ground with her book open in front of her.
Spike had gone with Rarity to help carry the supplies back to the Boutique, so the librarian didn't have any pressing duties to do at the moment.
“Okie dokie lokie! Oh oh Twilight! I just had this great idea! I'll stay here with you and you can taste test my latest creations of cupcakes! I promise they're super-duper extremely wheemly yummy!” Pinkie Pie said as she hopped around the unicorn.
Twilight rolled her eyes and gave a small sigh, though she smiled all the same at the pink mare.
“Sure Pinkie. What kinds did you make?” Twilight asked as she put her book away, she wouldn't want it to get dirty. Cupcake frosting was SO hard to get out...
“Weeellll..... I've got lots and lots, but we can play a game where you GUESS what kinds I made! This way I know you are really tasting them! Hehehe.” Pinkie giggled as she plopped down in front of her friend, setting the basket of goodies in between them. This earned another eye roll and small smile from Twilight who decided not to question where the basket came from.
Twilight managed to guess at half of the cupcakes offered to her, and while most were pretty good, some of them could have used some more thought before being made.
(Jumping bean cupcake? Really? I'll have to give her some pointers about what things are ok to try and cook and what's not.) Twilight thought as she ate other cupcakes to get rid of the taste of the weirder ones.
Soon they were out of cupcakes and Twilight really just wanted to read. So she sat on the nearby bench and opened her book.
“Well, that was, um, yummy. Thanks Pinkie Pie; though you may want to re-think some of those ideas. If it's alright with you, I'll start working on reading my book.” Twilight said as she settled down, while keeping an eye on hyperactive mare.
“Sure thing Twilight! I'll just be here, keeping you company. You know, you really should get out more! Staying inside all the time isn't good for anypony. And get some exercise too! Like how Rainbow Dash practices flying so much! This one time, she was doing some tricks and I was watching and she was like woohm zoom whoosh! And then she loop-de-looped and flipped around and it was so totally hoof-biting action overload! She was like a sun super-star, flying higher and higher and then...” Pinkie Pie continued to talk on and on about the latest Rainbow Dash trick, while Twilight started to tune her out as she read.
Soon the pegasus in question flew overhead and Pinkie Pie paused in her speech as a great idea came to her.
(Oh oh oh! I know, I'll get Rainbow Dash to help me pull off some pranks, maybe that would help Twilight lighten up a little more! Though, she does look really relaxed now... maybe I should cut today's helping of Pinkie Pie short.... Sounds good to me!)
“Hey Rainbow Dash, wait up!”
I love twipie Pinkie deserves someone like Twilight. If you ever do a chapter during Griffon the brush off i like to see Twilight's jealousy over Pinkie talking about hanging out with Dash and being upset over the whole Dash/Gilda thing then Twi will ask her if she's in love with Dash. oohh i love drama and fluff. I can so see Twilight being jealous over Pinkie practically chasing after Dash.
There are some good ideas here but you are suffering from a very common newer author problem in that you tend to tell instead of show. For example in your story you have this section,
"Rarity was pleased to have a chance to relax and offered to bring the blanket for them to use.
Applejack agreed while offering to help with the food.
Rainbow Dash agreed as soon as Pinkie Pie mentioned food and Fluttershy was nervous but agreed in the end after hearing that everypony else was going"
Right there you essentially described a good bit of a full scene with just a few sentences fully devoted to telling you the scene. While this is not bad it does mean you missed a chance at adding to the story by describing actions more fully and using dialogue. To further illustrate my point let us use a common scene from "Feeling Pinkie Keen" where Twilight lights herself on fire due to frustration with the Pinkie sense. What you previously written would boil down to describing that scene as
"Twilight became very frustrated"
Some parts of your story go another step forward and go like this
"Twilight became so frustrated that she burst into flames".
The second one is better because you are showing an action in addition to telling us how she feels (you also can get bonus pints if you can use an action to describe a feeling without stating the feeling directly). Even so you can take this an even bigger step forward b making it more desrciptive
"Twilights lip quivered as her blood shot eyes bulged from her attempt at holding back her emotions. In a final scream of utter frustration the spark was lit and her mane blazed with the ferocity of an small angry volcano".
Just an example (it might be a little verbose) of how there are stages of show and tell. There are times where telling is important but even so be more descriptive about it. If you describe an entire scene in just a couple sentences you probably were not descriptive enough or the scene does not serve a purpose. Honestly sometimes it is hard to tell the difference in your own stories (trust me editing yourself is very difficult).
I like it, but the way it is written does feel a little straining. Maybe you should separate the dialog with paragraphs for a start. And don't have the paragraphs all bulked together. Also switching perspectives so quickly kind of surprised me. But it got me interested in Twipie so I think I'll look that up now. All in all good effort but I'd get someone to proofread maybe in the future to make it better. You definitely got Pinkie down but so that's a bonus
Good luck
2830154 yeah, I figured a good way to show what I was planning/doing was to just post it since I wasn't sure when you'd be able to respond. Glad to see you liked it, my weakness does lie with grammar and some typing errors. The next thing is to see if I get Twilight's voice down. Thanks for the thumbs up, favs and posting about it.
2830255 Not a bad idea. I didn't want to focus too much of right after/before/during the actual episodes (since that would make it a whole lot longer), but sometimes I wonder if I should. It would be interesting to see if nothing else. I'll keep it in mind.
2831302 Thanks for tips. I could always use the help becoming a better writer. Those parts did feel weird to me, but I didn't want to elongate the story with every little step. But after reading your comment, I realized that's how the show is and it added a lot to the overall story. I may have to go back and fix it. Perhaps sooner rather than later. I'd want a proper story base before moving onwards.
2831701 I wanted to show the basic perspectives of the main two before having them interact with each other (Twilight gets one soon), sorry if it was too abrupt of a change. I thank you for the tips on writing, I'm still new and trying to do it all myself doesn't work out very well sometimes. I'll see if I could find anyone to review it before I completely post it.
2832863
Your worry about making a section to long is a good one. I would say to avoid making it too long use what you have as a base and then ask yourself "is this scene needed?" and if yes then "what sort of little details could I add that either pushes the plot forward, shows off character development, or just shows off a characters personality?".
If you find yourself making a small scene into multiple paragrpahs and getting nowhere you are probably going too far.
Did some pony say Cupcakes?
XD just had to. Great chapter
Are you talking about Epic Cupcake Time? That extremely disturbing creepy pasta story that is scarilly believable about Pinkie being a serial killer? Cuz the title gave me horrible mind scarring flash backs anyway.
All horrible mental scars aside this is a great fimfic! And I can't wait to see where it goes and how it gets there! Also don't fight so much against the story! Let it turn and flow however it wants!
Yeah no as soon as I heard cupcakes yeh thought of that.
Yeah that’s kinda like trying to not think of pink elephants...only with maiming and screams.