Soarin' and Rainbow Dash have been dating for a while but now Soarin' has seemed distant. He is constantly going to special Wonderbolts training and missing important dates with Rainbow Dash. Just what could Soarin's little secret be.
Chapters (5)
Dashie222
Joined 2nd Feb, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- rarerarity · 14k words · 108 10 · 4.4k views
- Rosella_329 · 1.4k words · 36 2 · 3.1k views
- paxtofettel · 3.4k words · 68 3 · 6.1k views
- Brian Jacko · 18k words · 40 14 · 3.5k views
- Sparity · 10k words · 49 8 · 5.5k views
- Opalina Cecile · 1.7k words · 43 6 · 3.7k views
- SigmatheAwesome · 17k words · 76 4 · 4.1k views
- Closer-To-The-Sun · 7.3k words · 64 3 · 4.5k views
Featured In10
Rainbow Dash+Soarin'=<3388 stories ·780 members
SoarinDash815 stories ·1,247 members
SoarinFire136 stories ·252 members
Rainbow-Soarin'252 stories ·319 members
- Best Stories Ever411 stories ·121 members
SoarinXDashie219 stories ·251 members
Spitfire and the Wonderbolts275 stories ·297 members
Soarin and the Wonderbolts769 stories ·240 members
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.078 seconds
Total duration
964 users online
133,620 hits today, 2,314,256 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Good start! You might want to fill in the space between dialogue with Rainbow's thoughts or a description of the surroundings. Something like that to give the story a little more meat. Just a friendly suggestion.
rly like it, but i do second MclarenMP-27's suggestion.
keep it up ^^
231228
Thanks for the suggestion but this is just the way I learned. I will probably still do this out of habit but it's nice to hear suggestions. Also, it might not be as ridiculous if my story weren't so dialouge heavy.
Okay... I'll wait till chapter 2 till I decide what to vote. Tracked for now
lol short and interesting like it keep it up
Muahahahahahah
Interested to see where you're going with this.
served him right!
keep up the good work!
231228
This. Definitely needs more thoughts and description--the first part of your pilot chapter was so awkward I had to force myself to get through it. Show us what they're thinking between those lines of dialogue!
231967
I'll try my best but I don't know how good it will be.
I have a little hunch that he asked the same to spitfire..... lets hope not for him...
I'll keep you my dirty little secret...
I feel something bad comin up.......
263920 You and me both, buddy.
ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh
First
He broke a pinkie promise!
273480 dun dun ddddduuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnn...>=O
poor soarin'. First hit by a bus and in a few moments hit by a scary pink mare...
279210
Well Rainbow Dash did say she would reason with Pinkie Pie but then again...she can be unreasonable at times so maybe he will be.
omg that was great!!!
Well, commenting and critiqueing as promised.
I like the story. I think it's interesting and I think the brevity of it is an interesting choice that keeps it from getting stale or redundant. At the same time I think the way we never see any of the characters thoughts is a rare element. I like the way it leaves everything more open to interpretation, but at the same time I think it would help to have the writing be a little bit more emotive.
The lack of thoughts combined with the lack of emotive words leads to some of the scenes feeling a little bit flat - which is a shame, because as I said your writing isn't at all bad. I think you do dialogue better than anything else - the conversations flow well, but the lines in between could stand to be a little bit more expressive.
There's really only one scene I had an issue with - I can't personally see Dash seducing the room service pony to get the key. She seems more like the type to try and kick the door in, to me. But it doesn't take away from the story and i'm not telling you to change it - if you see her that way awesome. That said? I wish Soarin hadn't gotten a happy ending. I mean SURE he was hit by a bus and suffered horribly but really, he deserved so much worse.
I might be a little bias against cheaters. Maybe.
On the whole? I enjoyed it. I think it's well done and it made me want to know what happened, so what more can you ask for in a story?
Watch for typos, though! They're your worst enemy when it comes to this sort of thing. Well, they're mine. I make a lot of typos.
Good job.
300948
I know I'm lacking in the emotion part and I try my best to improve with each story.
Honestly I had a lot of trouble writing this stor (Edit: SEE look I just put "stor" instead of "story") because there were so many out of character moments for Rainbow Dash and I had to make up what she would do. And also I figured that breaking down the door would have led the story in a different direction because she would just be kicked out of the hotel right then and there.
As for Soarin', I was originally going to have him die after getting hit by the bus but that just seemed bad for Rainbow Dash more than it would be bad for Soarin'.
And as for typos, I do all of my stories in a word document first so it catches most of them. However one mistake I've made a few time that it doesn't catch is when I use "barley" instead of "barely" Right now I really need to use it because my "Y" key is having trouble working and I need the red line underneath it or else I wouldn't catch it because I pressed the key.
Well I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
Hey you changed your avatar
The other one was better.
Oh and don't forget to try a muffin.
301830
Hey, don't feel bad - it's still a good story, and that really is the only way to improve at anything.
And yes, I see - I do it all the time. And it's true it would have been quite a different story that way - sounds like fun, though.
I suppose I can forgive you for not catering to my brutal anti-Soarin whims. BUT! I'm going to pretend your ending to TGWP is actually the ending to this just so he suffers a bit more.
I know - i'm a nice piggy.
And yes, I did. Something about this one makes me laugh every time I see it, so i'll use it for a bit. Though the other one did the same, so never know when i'll go back.
And I will try a muffin, but it shan't be for a few days at least I fear.
Edit: I'm still seeing my old avatar, anyways. Sigh. It's so hard being me. :'(
302605
Why a few day? Why not now? Oh and you have to make sure you try one of each kind of muffin.
You know this isn't the best place to chat.
If you reply could you please do it at The Games We Play:Supplementary Materials
I like it there better.
Plus I'd rather have someone else's story artificially be more popular and not mine.
Pinkie Pie...
Good story! I like it
Wait, what happened to Spitfire?? Feels kinda incomplete without having heard anything from her
Not that it was a bad story, I just think you could have wrapped it up by tying all the knots of the story together? Plus, I kinda doubt Rainbow Dash would have spent a week in her room without having heard anything about Soarin's bus incident...
Sorry if I sound like I'm trying to flame you or something, really I'm just pointing out a few things that slightly bugged me.
Dumped twice in the same minute.
Lol. He's gonna need tons of bits.
266512 me 3 its just when i hear the word perfect alot of times i just know something bad is going to happen...
I thought that this was a good story. Yeah, it could have used a bit more descriptive filler between the dialogue, but, it did not deter that much. I look forward to reading more from you in the future. Keep up the great writing.
secrets
765059 me 4 imean nothing is perfect <__< >__> but me
I liked this story, only thing is in some places it felt like it was lacking emotion or tone, particularly when it came to dialogue, apart from that really nice story
All I have to say is that this story is EPIC!!!!!
