Once a writer, but now gone. You might see him again one day, though...
Slen, a young unicorn colt, has been running all his life from a faceless demon bent on capturing him and doing Celestia-knows-what. Whatever it is, Slen's secret could probably be the answer. But Slen won't tell anypony his secret. He won't even admit his own secret to himself.
But Slendermane will...
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Erm. this isn't really the way Slenderman/mane operates.
All complaints that I have about Slendermane stories aside, I'm really not feeling this one.
I'll admit that I'm not familiar with the Slendermane mythos but I have followed the Slenderman story quite closely when I learned about it and Marble Hornets several years back. If there's any differences between them, then I do apologize. But this is not how Slendy works.
First of all, the pony in question has the unfortunate name of "Slen". And his cutie mark are Slenderman's mark. Already we're off to a bad start. You would have been better off calling him something different and making his cutie mark something more interesting. A marble hornet would have been a clever example.
So Slendermane chases this pony all over Equestria, kills and burns everypony around him but never actually does anything to this colt. Why? You can't tell me that he's somehow special and he's been evading Slendermane his whole life. That just doesn't work. Slenderman catches you after a while and usually drives you insane before this happens. Little Slen seems very rational for somepony being chased by Slendy.
Then we have him speak. Oh, this is bad. Slenderman doesn't have a mouth. He doesn't speak. You've changed him from a spooky and creepy being to a villain who monologues. And why bother to tell Slen that he's heading towards his home? There's no reason to tell your prey that they themselves are coming closer. Those are the times you shut up so they can literally walk into your trap.
And of course he winds up in Ponyville. Cue the meeting with the mane 6. Elements of Harmony and we're done.
You could have done more with this, but it's really pretty lazy.
2828977 First off, Slendermane is trying to get Slen to give in to his own secret by driving the colt insane with the guilt of leading all these ponies to their doom. Next, I know Slendermane doesn't have a mouth, but he is still capable of communication. (Telepathic would be my guess, but even I'm not entirely sure.
) After that, I figured this would be Slendy's way of saying he has Slen cornered and that it's time to finally give up. Regarding the Elements of Harmony, it won't exactly be "bang, pow, done." Slen will have to a little bit of research and explaining for Twilight before they can do anything. And besides, if it were "bang, pow, done," I couldn't do things like have the Eight Pages appear around Ponyville overnight or some ponies going missing.
Also, I don't really follow the Slender mythos, myself, so you can see where my first problem was.
All in all, thanks for the feedback. I'll try to improve in the next chapter.
2832611
So really what you're telling me is that this isn't Slendermane so much as it's your interpretation of Slenderman and the accompanying mythos.
That might not carry well with people that have followed Marble Hornets since almost the beginning. It feels a little like riding the coattails of something popular at the moment for the single minded purpose of cashing in on it's success.
You're obviously free to write whatever you want but my suggestion is instead of messing with the Slenderman mythos and by extension Slendermane, choose a completely different demon. Unless Slendermane specifically is necessary for this story, there's no reason to use him in particular.
A good test of this is to change the name of the character. If the story doesn't suffer for it, then that character doesn't have the same impact as you thought he might. And I don't think this is just my opinion judging from the 8 dislikes you have so far and not one like.
But as I said, it's your story and if you want to do a Slendermane story where he talks and is able to get inside a person's head then do so. You might just find however that your story might not get any love.
2833031 I suppose you're right, but let's face it. This story isn't nearly as bad as my previous Slender fic. Also, I could probably use a different monster. It might not flow as smoothly as I had originally planned, but it couldn't hurt.
2833096
For me at least, there's a certain flavor to a good Slenderman story. He's always there, always following you and eventually drives you insane before claiming you permanently. To show him actually communicating with his prey and for lack of a better term telling him plot points kinda spoils that. He's gone from being eerie and creepy to generic movie monster or slasher.
This is why the colt's name, his cutie mark and Slendermane as you've made him just don't work for me. Call him something else, change the story slightly and you potentially have a grimdark story that will get some better press. That's not a guarantee, but what in this world is?
2837277 Okay... I was really trying to avoid this, but I'm going to have to explain things, now.
First, Slen is just a nickname he gave himself because he doesn't want to use his real name. (His real name is his secret.)
Next, I'm going to incorporate another of my OCs as a friend of Slen's and a victim of Slendermane. This will be where the "stalks his prey" thing will come into play, driving Slen insane as he races against time to save his friend from Slender Sickness.
Finally, and I know you're going to hate me for this, the ending will take place on Earth. (EQG Earth)
That's it. No more spoilers for anypony!
Honestly, these stories scare me. But after reading this, I'm not so scared anymore! ( just in case, I'm sleeping with my teddy bear tonight)
This story could go somewhere, nice plot and such too.
3289577 Really? Thanks.
To Umachan: well maybe it's for a plot like slen is becoming the new slender and the slender-talking part is his inner voice and such.2828977>>2828977
3293610 I could do something along those lines. I won't have to
twerktweak the original plot so much if I do that, anyway.REALLY!!! Wait, r u still continuing this story? Also, I was protecting this story from that jerk, Umachan.
3296945 In order of which you asked the questions: Yes, yes, and I am grateful for that.
Hmm interesting facts. More information on how to get him.
No its great mate, if i could make great stories like this i would do it.
But im only half short stories maker and not a great one.
Ill cut it down to 3 words about my story making: TO MUCH RANDOMNESS.
Even my first story was half fucked up, but our teachers loved it so here i am now looking at a great story.
Always keep going mate no matter what.
Thats all from here.