These worlds, these characters that I breath into existence, what are they? Are they just some fantasy meant to occupy my time, or are they something greater, something....more.
Stranded. That's what Starblazer was. Stranded in space while looking for the Manehattan, a ship that has mysteriously gone silent. But when her own ship, Celestia's Sun, breaks down in unknown space, all hope of rescue for both ships appears to be fading quickly. But when Ash, Starblazer's AI companion, receives a distress signal from the Manehattan, she rushes to save both them and herself. But is everything truly as it seems?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I love it!
Ponies in space, and written well enough to have me interested. Good job, would love to see more!
It's got some potential, but you really need to start a new paragraph when a new character starts speaking. conversations are almost impossible to follow otherwise.
Sci-fi ponies ftw!...I also wrote a sci-fi fic this weekend, and I also got three likes, so I had to give this a shot, at least.
I'll continue reading this! Just work on that dialogue!
>>dancing mop Thanks for the heads-up! I do believe I fixed it, but if you see anything that still needs work, feel free to let me know!
Well, this is quite the gem. It reminds me a lot of a fic of my own that I'm working on (that's unfortunately not doing to well), it even features a ship called the Manehattan!
It's rare to see this great of a character dynamic anymore, especially when only one of the characters is not really a character at all (in the traditional sense). Great job!
Not the greatest chapter in my lifetime, though it is crucial to the storyline. If you see anything and know how to fix it, please let me know! And just in case this shows up elsewhere, I'm talking about Chapter 2
Um, this chapter was kind of...cheesy. And rushed. The ah, poetic sounding bits towards the beginning felt a little weird, and Starblazer's reactions to the core destabilizing were way too fast. The back and forth between Ash and Starblazer felt like it was out of a bad action movie. Starblazer did not temporally fix the problem, there was no time travel involved.
I'm sorry, but I didn't really like this one. Well...let's have a look at the next chapter, shall we?
Wow, this got dark fast. I guess you did hint at the ice being a malicious being in the last chapter. Can't say I disapprove!
This was, in general, a lot better written than the last chapter. Good work!
2858120 I can agree. I'm not really sure what went wrong, but this wasn't the best chapter I've ever written. And now that I read it again, it really does feel rushed. I was aiming more towards a sense of urgency, but I was very off target.
Okay, so due to the fact that Chapter 2, well, sucked, I have decided to redo the entire chapter! So if you've already read chapter 2, you might want to re-read it (once I post it of course
) So if you kind of hated that chapter, hopefully this edited version will be better. And in case you were wondering, the new version of this will not change anything in chapter 3. Hopefully.
I liked that the villain(s) is finally revealed, but this went perhaps a little too far. Us readers now know far more than Starblazer, even some information that I think would be better unseen, like the bit about the third having plans of it's-wait, her, see, I don't need to know that yet-own. And Ash and Star's scene was way too short. I understand that not much happened, but they hardly even addressed each other. And Star's musings about the engines could have stood some elaboration. So, I guess that half of the chapter wasn't revealing enough.
Just sayin'.
Well, it remains as fun and interesting as ever. I feel that Ash said the word ma'am a few too many times. And the encounter with the ice-monster-thing could have been a little longer, and more of a fight.
At least something happened this chapter, so that's good.
Don't worry about slow updates. School is a terrible block to writing;
I understand perfectly.
Um, wow, that was abrupt. I think you could use more descriptive writing. When there's just dialogue like that, it tends to rush by. But, that might just be the fact that I read two chapters of The Sweetie Chronicles: Fragments before coming here. Those chapters...they're long.
But yeah, descriptive writing. Describe the room in more detail, tell me the expressions on the characters' faces, show how they feel, not just what they do...you could probably drag this out to about 2000 words. That would be preferable, I think.
Anyway, good job. Good to see you're still writing, at least.
Hmph. You'd think people would leave just a little comment, to remind you that they're here. How rude.
3378761 Agreed.
You...copied a scene from Halo 4.
Not the best place to pull story elements from.
And much of the text was exactly the same. Really? I expected better from you.
Also, you never actually described this 'spire' that a good portion of the chapter took place, on? Next to? Above? It made the whole villain rant scene pretty hard to picture.
So, this disembodied voice. Is Ash gonna come back somehow? Yaaay!
Well, that did not go as planned...
3536953 Please forgive me if I come off as rude, but I'm sure if I'm taking what you said the right way. I can see the resemblance between Cortana's death scene and Ash's, but I don't think I copied anything from it, but then again, I haven't played Halo 4 in months. The spire scene took place on top of the spire. Sorry, I had a hard time with that part. And if there were any repeating lines, it would be because it took me three tries to get this chapter right. Basically, I took the two original chapter drafts and merged the stuff that was good into a third chapter. Sorry if that made the chapter repetitive. Derp on me.
I guess it was...ok. I think that part would have been better just left in the last chapter, with Ash just...dying. Abruptly. The shock would have hit Star and the readers like a ton of bricks!
I am interested in seeing where we go from here. What the hay does this seemingly all-powerful villain need with a gun-totin' space jockey? I guess we'll find out shortly.
Okay, so I was reading back through this chapter and I realized something: I accidentally forgot to cut the second part of the Abyss' rant!
That would explain why it sounded repetitive. I can't believe I didn't catch that! Anyways, sorry about that and I'll be sure to fix it soon.
Hey, I just saw the revision! Much better now. Let's see what the next chapter is like!
Heheheh. This was pretty fun. Zombies. Teehee!
And it's kinda nice to see a bit of 'Blazer's past. I guess we know where Ash came from, now. Two tragic endings for one character.
Aww, dammit, everyone who helps 'Blazer gets killed!
This bad guy had better have a good reason for doing all this. Cuz her actions in the last two chapters have seemed kinda pointless; she already won, so whatever. Now she's just being mean!
Bah, everyone has long, unpredictable breaks between updates nowadays. Don't sweat it!