the runaway
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I like this story, nice setup, made the protagonist interesting, although i didn't get a read on his/her personality very well. Or for that manner the protagonists name. Nice coverart!
The link ('somewhere') isn't accessible.
2825004
)
Fixed. Thanks for pointing that out.
I should mention, the artist
formerlyknown as tsurime (the source) also did this one.2824902
Makeover!
2824688
Welcome aboard, pony at the
taco belldisco. Her name is Grace.I suppose that could have been more clear. After all, knowing pony names, hers could just as easily have been Chapter 1.
2824642
Sure! And while you're at it, fuck my front!
Get ready for the ride of your life, you beautiful bastard.
(I mean the story. Not the... front-fucking, thing.
Reminds me of Ulysses. And Goddam, I want his voice.
2825375
Then I'm glad to know that I have it! At least on paper.
But what does that matter... when paper can be so easily burned away.
*rambles on about paper and warheads and lonesome roads, while those tunneler things f*ck your shit up.*
2825459 Or Divide deathclaws. At least you can just run through the collapsed roads without confronting the tunnelers. You ever tried running away from a deathclaw? You'd have better luck running away from a Kenyan.
2825518
Watch it, pal. My stepmother's a Kenyan.
She fast as hell tho.
2825540 No malice meant. My great-great-etc.-grandparents were brought over from West Africa. I'm sure if I tap into my inner self, I can make Ussein Bolt shit his pants.
Hot damn kid, this was really well done! Can't wait for more!
This is way too awesome a metaphor for mortal eyes.
Kidding of course! I love this line, is what I mean!
+15 points for neigh-on exact New Vegas intro!
And that's all folks! Quite interested to see how this surprisingly determined filly is going to rock the world above, do continue!
Also, nice job on the feature!
This story is already getting pretty darn interesting. I can't wait to read more of it as you write it out. Keep up the great writing!
looks good so far again
i hope thesteel rangers finds there stable as soon as she is far enough away.
2825875 Load the Headcanon!
2825851 Welcome back to the front lines, DP.
2825843 Mmph. That's good for my ego
So: same time next week? Perfect. Just leave the money on the table.
I don't know, man. There's something about your style I really like. You're like William Gibson in a way—something memorable in every paragraph. I'm not much for following fics, but I'll be waiting on the next chapter of this one.
Ah, damn you. I wanted to name my character Grace.
I mean, I really doubt I was ever going to get around to writing a Fallout Equestria fic, but I wanted to! 
Why would you be so mean?
Anyway, this better a damn fine fic if you plan on using that name.
2826660 I'll have to read some William Gibson, then.
So yeah. 
But Wikipedia calls him the Noir prophet of the cyberpunk subgenre.
Which is one hell of a title. So thanks: I'll make that chapter worth the wait.
2826812
Yeah well, I wanted to name my firstborn Y1.
But I'm putting everything I have into this character. Maybe she'll live up to the name.
Maybe I'll finally make you proud of me.
Alright, well. I've read the first chapter and...
Yeah, it's good. A lot better than I expected actually. Obviously this is just the first chapter, so there's not a whole for me to judge from but it's been too long since I read a FoE story that felt as good as this one right from the beginning. Hell, Project Horizons didn't even start as strongly as this one.
A lot of writers forget that the most important part of any FoE story is the protagonist. Right from the get go, you have to have a unique and interesting central character, otherwise it's just not gonna stand up to the big FoE stories. And you've really nailed that here. Right from the start, Grace felt like a different character from any of the other FoE stories I've read, even if she is another unicorn from the vault. Really it's her voice that does it, rambling and poetic, slightly deluded and not entirely sane. It kind of reminds me of Eyes Without A Face, though it's not quite as good as that. Don't feel too bad though, no prose will ever be better than Eyes Without A Face.
I know this is just the first chapter and it's way too soon to tell with this, but I'm actually pretty excited for this, and it's been a while since I've felt that way about a fic. This thing is just oozing potential, and it seems like you have the ability to make the most of it. So, yeah... Please write more and quickly, so I may know if this is the awesomeness it promises to be, or just another false claimant to the FoE throne.
That was very enjoyable - nothing raises passions in me better than a tale of injustice
You have a great command of metaphor and simile, and I agree with 2826660 in that every paragraph seems to paint its own little area of the overall picture. Well done
2826915
, Anyway, thanks. But I worry that all these thousand-word pictures might get to be a little too much. After all, no one wants to run a marathon through an art gallery... I assume. 
) is that a lot of pressure. And it's damn near electric.
<(Sure looks comfortable up there.) 
<(Damn straight. Do you like bananas?)
I know that face
2826888
I'm getting this comment framed. Or, I'll at least print it out and stick it to my fridge or something.
But, land's sakes (
First time I stopped bowing my head, and actually looked up at that throne.
2827028
In time, perhaps, but as an opening chapter it was strong precisely because of that quality of expression
2825875 so do I
2825286 You know I wouldn't miss this lol
2828730
ing monk when it comes to my rituals. 
on a schedule.
As of now: every week. Exactly every week.
I am a mother-
I even
Sorry... what were we talking about?
An FoE fic that doesn't have hundreds of followers in the featured box?
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw9686-342587__safe_twilight252Bsparkle_rarity_humanized_animated_image252Bmacro_equestria252Bgirls_hug_spoiler-colon-equestria252Bgirls_rowellina252Bbeattie_snuggle_cat252Bears.gif
Way to go!
2830306 To be fair, this is an intensive rewrite of my first (and only) FO:E story.
) in 24 hours than the original did in 5 months? 
(Also: terrified that the high is going to end any minute now.) 
So I might as well have issued a call to arms, to see a lot of the old readers come running.
But would you believe that this has gotten more favorites/likes/(dislikes
And I've been dizzy for every second of it.
2831041
Tread lightly, pal. Most of my mothers are lesbians.
But I can tell you this: Gracie's not planning to go grinding up on the girls anytime soon.
She does stumble on something like a crush in the next chapter, though.
Congratulations with the feature chosen to you by the third place winner of the 500 Member writing contest
2832829 2831918
I have the horrible feeling that you're both going to be a little dissapointed.
And yes to that crazy ritual thing: I called on the thumb of God.
It is worth at least ten mortal 'likes', depending on the exchange rate.
But he hasn't gotten around to reading this yet. (Jesus got into some trouble at school again.)
This shit's going to blow up on Sunday.
2836520 2835294
I'm sorry. (And whose side was I on 
)
):
Were we arguing?
Now, I'll stop beating around the bush (
Grace is straight.
I really liked the previous introduction to Grace's situation. This version feels so... brief!
Don't get me wrong, the revised imagery is so much better, and I can see how very little of it would fit the original pacing but... it's just not enough of an introduction, really. I'm hitting all these little points where I'm only compelled to continue reading because I know what's been skipped or removed.
It's nice that you're rewriting the story, considering most everything after Grace is pushed out of the stable was strangely flat and unappealing, but the original introduction was killer!
2845093
You know, I really came to care for that first chapter, vast and uncharted as it was.
But I wanted to do something different this time around, in as many ways as I could.
This is fast and dirty (About 30,000 words cut down to less than a third). And you're absolutely right to say that it's no introduction. How can you get a read on Grace, when she starts the story off, tripping from trauma to trauma? If anything, this rewrite has made Chapter 1 less like a tentative first step, and more like falling down a short flight of stairs.
At least, that's what I was going for.
Anyway, I'd be interested to know more about what you thought of the chapters that followed.
) and the sour voice of criticism might be good for me (as well as the story).
Like a plastic surgeon does to his patient's chests, I'd like to have made them less flat and unappealing.
I'm a bit of a sucker for attention (i.e: This introduction has to be so much better: just look at that viewcount, and all those sexy-ass stars!
2845597
Grace's reactions to the Wasteland didn't seem consistent after the initial push, or more likely there was a gap in the narrative where her character changed significantly enough to react differently.
The supporting characters always seemed to be in interesting situations that were made dull moments after Grace actually started interacting with them. The encounter with the Enclave scout (it was a scout, right?) for example, felt like a setup for either companionship or a major revelation but it turned out to be neither (note: I stopped reading very soon after that part. They didn't become companions, did they?).
The way weapons were described wasn't inaccurate but it was off-putting. I have an aversion to 'arsenal fics', stories in which the author has an infatuation with the weapons/abilities they've given their characters (which is stupid and hypocritical of me). It's only really bad when the POV makes it irrelevant or inconsistent, I.E. a generally peaceful character spends more time describing the sawn-off shotgun held by a raider than said raider's blood-soaked pauldrons. I don't remember how it manifest in your story because it's been so long, and it's probably not a problem anyway given what you've kept in this version.
2845801
Can you tell me more about the abrupt change in Grace's character, and how this tied in with her reaction to the wasteland? On second thought, why don't you scrap all that black text, unclog the comment section a little, and just message me your take on all this? Feel free to go hard: It'd be much appreciated
2845992
I'm considering going through what you had up months ago, I've still got copies of it in my Pocket. If I do, I'll message you with some refreshed comments.
2826888 2826660 2824688 2825851 2825774
We don't get a Daring Do face? 
Revolution!)
In case you didn't get to read my reply before it was swallowed into the void that was once called Chapter 2: The Dead Flag Blues, here's a summary: Thank you all for the feedback. I'd like to do what I did to Chapter 1 on Independence day, and whittle down The Dead Flag Blues until its less of an untranslatable purple prose garden and swamps of as if's.
If you'd like to help, you could point the finger at any one part of the chapter, if you felt that it was too difficult to bushwhack through all its flowery language. (
I didn't realize that your comments would go down with the ship,and now I wish that I'd thought to save them.
That was some of the best constructive criticism I've ever gotten. And I'll be sure to keep your points in mind, as best I can, while pruning TDFB down over the next few days. From what I gathered, it seems I should follow my own example, and look to Acheron as I work through the first half of the chapter again.
Oh, and Disco, here's how I answered your questions: I'm going to try for a fresh chapter every week (Starting now! ... okay,now!... now?) And I build them off the bones of my old story, though if I were to show you Chapter 1 in its original form, you would hardly recognize it.
2845597
I didn't comment at first, but after reading this, I just felt I had to. That "falling down the stairs" impression you mentioned fits my thoughts perfectly. The first chapter shows us Grace going through a very traumatic experience, and we can only see a little bit of her through it. It makes the whole experience feel "off", but in a way that fits the story very well. Everything is "off". Such an experience could be very disorienting and troubling, and the way the chapter is written really fits that. On top of that, the actions of Silverback at the end give the impression that there's going to be a lot of depth to characters and situations that some authors might handle much more flatly. All together, it makes me really want to read more and learn more about Grace and what happens to her.
I rarely actually read FoE-spinoff stories, as they'll inevitably get compared to the original. And I very rarely favorite something off just the first chapter, as it usually takes much longer to decide if it deserves the favorite and upvote... but this one definitely earned it.
Also, I saw that second chapter, and it vanished between the time I opened the story and I clicked on the "chapter 2" link. You tease!
(But I'm also happy to know that you're taking the time to make it as good as you can, rather than just taking an "eh, good enough" approach to it. I'll look forward to seeing the final version!)
Edit: I had to come back and amend my initial views. To be clear, everything I said before is true, and I would still say the same. The first chapter does feel "off" in a way that really helps make the character feel lost and traumatized by what happened. It worked really well. Except... as the story continues, it keeps the same "off" feeling the whole way through. The confusion and uncertainty made the first chapter feel great, but as the story goes on, it just obfuscates more and more of what's going on, long after when the character seems to be clear-headed. What worked great in the first chapter unfortunately detracts heavily from the rest of the story, and makes much of it more of a chore to read. Several sections I had to read multiple times just to get a basic idea of what had happened, and it got in the way of being able to enjoy the story. It's really sad, because I started off really enjoying the story, but by the end it had became overly florid and obtuse by the end, which made it impossible to enjoy.
For some reason I got a very Noir vibe from this chapter. Grace being the 'fallguy' so to speak and the imagery. Personally I find that really enjoyable so I think I'll keep an eye on this.
Though I've been reading in the comments that in a previous revision all the chapters sans the introduction, which was more lengthy, was bland I think I still have enough reason to believe the next chapters will keep me interested. I hope you don't pull a PH where you dangle the same mysteries over our heads and tell us the same revelations over and over for 1 million+ words. Though again I have no reason to believe you would from what I read.
2866018
Jeez! You didn't have to go and nuke the thing!
As I said shortly before the Dead Flag Apocalypse, I thought the chapter was pretty good. Your best course of action would most likely be to sit down and read through it, changing and tweaking things as you go. Don't cut down on the poeticness of Grace's thoughts, just try and throw a few tidbits in about what she is actually seeing and experiencing without a lot of simile, so that readers can better understand what she is alluding to with her colorful mind.
2866175
I always thought of him as the Commisary's conscience. 
And even I had to abandon ship. 
I had to nuke it, before Kkat saw! She's always watching. 
With feedback like that coming at me, I couldn't bear to put up anything but my best.
I used to go around with my hat in my hands, begging for upvotes. But goddamn does earning them feel so much better.
And thank you for commenting on Silverback.
2866576
Then I hope you like science fiction, jack. With a little fantasy spread over it like hot butter.
And I don't want to sling mud at PH, or anything. But Jesus, is it ever going to end?
I mean, I'm a pretty dedicated reader
Do you remember the beginning? It was so good.
2867442
Pretty good is not good enough!
But honestly, I had a tickle at the back of my mind for hours after I posted that chapter.
It just didn't feel ready.
2867658
Hey now, I respect you's authoritah! And your fateful decision to slaughter millions of helpless letters.
Make it as absoballylutely BRILLIANT as you can! Why do you think I am writing a story in its entirety before even thinking about placing it here!? You've far more courage than I, good sir.
Spend a day or so polishing it mate, but don't get hung up on it for a week of sweating the small stuff!
Not that I'm trying to tell you how to live your life I totally am, just do whatever you want and take however much time you need on it! Like you said, Kkat is watching you. FOREVER.
2867658
I remember...I remember...
Also I'm liking the GY!BE reference in the next chapter title. And I'm glad to see you care about the quality of your work enough that you took down your chapter for further editing and consideration. Being less verbose isn't always that better though, don't feel too pressured to cut and shorten everything.
As for how long you take to (re)release the next chapter I'd like to say "Take all the time in the world!" but that isn't really the case is it? Too many FoE stories are stuck in hiatus Limbo right before the action gets going and right before people get attached to it. My Little Metro was able to bounce back from it's eons long hiatius thanks to the fact that there was quite a lot of chapters beforehand: people were attached and dedicated Well, the release of Last Light and his timing probably helped. Not saying you are going into a hiatus or taking too long, but you might lose a few impatient viewers who are too used to this sort of thing. You have to get enough chapters out first to get a fan base brewing. Just my 2 cents.
Wow really great work for a first chapter
2868902 Thanks! But damn if it doesn't put the pressure on for Chapter 2.
Y'know... I'm a pretty tough act to follow.
2868367
I'm going to name every chapter after a song. And I was considering putting a link in the title, but my story is dense enough without Mister: I open up my wallet... and it's full of blood talking over it.
Maybe at the end? Like a cigarette after a... big meal.
Anyway, like God: I have the day off tommorow. And will do nothing but write until I'm happy to put up Chapter 2.
By the end of it, I might not even have changed anything. I just feel like I have to dissect the chapter, pick it apart and put it back together, before casting it off into the FIMfiction sea.
I seem to recall from your response to my last comment that you had concerns regarding the extensive application of imagery and metaphor that you've opted for in your story. Take it from me, though - you have absolutely nothing to worry about! This is a fine, fine chapter
Your descriptions of your protagonist's first impressions of the Wasteland were wonderful, and I found myself automatically imagining a gloriously ruined, highly emotive landscape as I read. 
Also, your musical selections were very moving, and fitted the action perfectly. You might want to consider looping them in future though (for the slow readers among us
).
Finally, since 'firsting' gets you banned now (I think) - and I've never been first to comment on anything - I'll take this opportunity to do it in Latin:
PRIMUM!
You've restored it!
*Blinks*
Ah! It's back again!
But's that's fantastic, because it's still golden!
I can't believe I didn't notice the music links! Were those always there!? They fit Grace's journey quite well!
Anyway, I feel like you should have some editing on top of your editing, just for old time's sake!
I do believe you mean, ‘my’ haunches, there!
an*
A* few
I* worried
Yo dawg, I heard you liked trees. But why don't you pick a flavor, and save the other for later?
I think you might want to reword this a bit ;)
Nitpicking!
Double period!
Trigger-Happy Capitalization
I'd*
The hanging corpse still stands as my favorite scene here!
But please, don't take these little nitpicks to heart, go worry about chapter three!
Toodles,
~Fluttersyke
2880508
Some of those mistakes are just embarrassing. 
Fixed.
Boy
"I patted the dust from haunches." Sounds like she's making a career of it!
Grace leaves the stable, only to find her purpose in molesting dirty strangers.
And yes, of course the music was there before.
"I thought it might be a bird, or some overgrown locust, but slowly came to understand what it was."
Is there something I'm missing here, on did you just think this sounded clumsy. (Either way, I changed it back)
I'm actually quite proud of that trigger-happy capitalization, given that my shift button is broken.
Anyway, you are a hero of great sexual prowess, and I thank you. Please feel free to deflower my firstborn child, once he/she has come of age. Now, on to Chapter 3!
Prepare yourself, for INVASIVE SCIENCE FICTION!
Frankly, it would be totally logical of him, if irrational, to conclude that the ponies in that stable should all die for letting other innocent ponies be exiled for made-up crimes and for allowing their leadership to become correct. Can't have anything, but the best ponies to return. Pity ponies are all flawed...
This is so very unlike any other Fo:E fic I've read. The language is rolling, lyrical, otherworldly, maybe even a little mad, and it's fascinating. I'm eager to see more interaction between Grace and the infamously gritty ponies of the Wasteland.
2889946 My God. What a comment.
I've drawn you a picture of my house.
Find it. Quickly. I'll light the candles. And stir honey into the bathwater.
2898193
Do you fancy rose petals?