The Misadventures of Scotch, Blitz and Jack

by articunos bitch

Tonight's Dinner will be Apples, Marshmallow and Spaghetti

[A:N] The following takes place between 18:31, and 21:06. Events do not occur in real time.

It was late Friday afternoon and Rarity was finishing her hair when the doorbell rang announcing her darling Applejack had come to pick her up for dinner at the farm.

“Applejack my dear.” She opened the door and nuzzled him. “I know you are punctual but you are nearly twenty minutes early.”

He tipped his hat as he always does when greeting her. “Nah, Ah’m actually late. Granny sent me out early to invite you’s to sleep at the farm house tonight. And she won’t take ‘No’ for an answer. And tomorrow she wants to have a ‘girls day out’ too.”

“Well of course I can stay over for the night. Though I was planning on getting to work on a new order tomorrow afternoon but I suppose we can make a whole day of it. All in all it sounds lovely. Now, if you allow me to first retrieve my dessert and bit purse and I will be with you shortly.”

Applejack stared out to the street looking for his brother. The big guy could keep a secret as well as Pinkie Pie <sigh> and he still had no earthly idea who his date was. They walked together until AJ stopped here and Mac turned down Seymour Court, but any number of mares could live down there. Mac also could have been messing with him for the last half hour until the truth came out and she could live anywhere.

Rarity opened the door levitating a pie box smelling of cranberries and strawberries which he took in his mouth as she fumbled with the door. <click>

“Well, off we go. And you’re so sweet but I shall take that dear," taking the pie from him.

Applejack leaned in close and sniffed her neck. “Ah know that scent!”

“What scent? I-I didn’t put any on? Did I?”

“Ha. You ain’t got perfume. Good fer you. Now let me see…” He stopped walking and held her face in his hooves. “No makeup, and no fancy dress. Good job. Granny will think you tryin’ to impress her even though she knows you already. Being honest is the best way to win Granny’s respect.” They continued walking east.

“Have I been less than honest Applejack?”

“She might see it that way.”

“I am certain I will live up to her expectations dear.”

“Heh. Not tonight. If Ah know Granny, she’ll spend all night pickin’ on ya. Not even to see how you react, it’ll be fun for her. If he had a legit problem with ya, you’ld know by know.”

“Hmm. I suppose I will have to put up with her. This should be an interesting night.”

** ** **

“Granny? We’re here.” Applejack called out as he and Rarity stepped into the hall and wiped their hooves on the carpet. Taking seats on opposite sides of the couch in the living room Applebloom came in from the dining room.

“Oh ma gosh!? Applejack, you’re seeing Rarity? Ah never would have guessed!” Her voice dripped with so much sarcasm it puddled on the floor.

“Alright AB. You’re having yer fun, so I guess you an Granny have finished dinner?”

“Eeyup. An’ once Big Mac gets here we’ll be sittin’ down. But she made me set up four extra chairs, what’s up with that?”

“If I may, what is for dinner darling?” Rarity asked without hearing the door opening behind her.

“Can’t tell!”

“Mr. Big Mac said there would be lots of spaghetti everywhere!” The squeaky voice of a young filly called out from the mud room.

Applejack and Rarity turned to see Sparkler and Dinky Hooves join them in the living room.

“I think he was speaking metaphorically Dinks.” Sparkler explained to her sister.

“Nuh-ha! I think he meant we’re gonna have a food fight!”

Rarity whispered to Applejack, “Does this mean-“

“Dinky, if you start a food fight I’ll make sure you won’t sit down for a week.” Derpy Hooves trotted up and stood in front of her daughter trying to look stern but she had usual goofy smile on.

“Derpy!” Applejack stood up in shock and vigorously shook her hoof. “You’re my brother’s secret gal? Now HOW in tarnation did this happen? And how did your kids keep it quiet? Or you for that matter?”

“It’s a story for maybe another time little brother. Or maybe we’ll tell ya when we sit down. And yes Dinky, Ah was speaking metaphorically when Ah said spaghetti.”

Granny Smith slowly stepped slowly into the living room to look as old and hobbled as she claimed to be. “Thank you Applejack fer bringing fer Rarity dinner. Applebloom and I got the chocolate and graham crackers ready, if ya’ll follow me…” She turned backwards and led them to the dinner table.

Rarity looked to her date with a pout, making him laugh.

“I warned ya.”

Granny sat at the head of the table with her grandsons on both sides, and their dates next to them. Sparkler and Applebloom took their seats on the far end while Dinky giddily sat at the other head. Applebloom and Dinky were classmates but never really spoke too much, and the first topic they settled on was, “Hey, if my brother and your mom get married, why, I would be your ant!”

“Wow! I’ld like that ‘Ant’ Applebloom!” The two of them giggled leaving Sparkler felling out of place.

“Mom, are you hearing this?” she whispered.

“Oh let them have their fun dear.” Derpy told her.

Rarity and Applejack were the last to sit and she whispered to him, “I have a feeling there ARE graham crackers and chocolate somewhere.”

“We’re saving those fer desert deary.” Granny Smith could hear as well as an eagle saw. How her grandchildren got away with half the shenanigans they did was a testament to Granny’s patience.

“Fer dinner we got Vegetable Lo Mein, steamed broccoli, cheese sauce, and soybean salad fer the younins. Derpy, Rarity, Applejack, Macintosh, none of you is allowed to touch the soybean salad. The boys know why. Now before we eat let us pray. Hold hooves.”

Every-one grabbed the hooves of the pony next to them and they bowed their heads while Granny Smith said the words. “Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Chutulu. Sewnmouthsecret. Mershlcumbum. So be it. Alright, dig in!”

Applejack would have broken his nose had he facehoofed as hard as he wanted. But he did warn Rarity this was her night to make fun of them. “Granny, Rarity brought her famous pie to share tonight.” (uh-oh! words come back to my mouth-)

“I would hope you’re the only one she shares her pie with. That’s not to say Ah wouldn’t mind a piece…” Rarity’s caught her eyes following the curves from her neck to her flanks. Suddenly the lo mein was very interesting, she shoveled a pile onto her plate and whoofed it down.

“So Mrs. Granny Smith, why can’t the four of them eat the soybean salad?” Sparkler asked genuinely curious pointing to the adults.

“Same reason yer mother wants you to eat it. It’s healthy fer kids.”

Big Mac shook his head and smiled at Derpy when Sparkler turned away. He already told her why soybeans are not allowed anywhere near Sweet Apple Acres; soybeans drop testosterone levels, dropping sexual desires. Since that day Derpy had been carefully sneaking her elder daughter soy, warding off one less problem from her hormonally charged teenager.

Derpy was pouring cheese sauce over her lo mein when Dinky spoke up. “Mom, can I go crusading with Applebloom and her friends tomorrow?”

“I think that sounds lovely Derpy.” Rarity said. She always wondered why her sister never spent time with Dinky.

“Didn’t Mrs. Smith have a day planned for us girls?” Derpy looked to Granny.

“Go ahead. We don’t need to go chasing the pair of filly’s around all day. Just stay outta trouble. Ya hear. Ah’m talking t’ you Applebloom.”

“Yes ma’am. Dinky, I’ll take ya to the tree house first thing in the mornin’!”

Derpy changed the subject. “So Rarity, tell the girls about your career.”

“Certainly,” Rarity lightened up. “Simply put I make clothing. Everything from winter to formal wear. I can fix holes in socks and design a dress for the Grand Galloping Gala in the same hour.”

“An’ giant hats!” Applebloom interjected.

“And hats too, yes.” Rarity replied with impatience. Someone had to put her up to that line.

“How do you find the time to work so hard with so many guys chasin’ after ya?” Big Mac inquired.

“I picked the absolute best stallion, so now they don’t bother chasing me.” She leaned into nuzzle Applejack who kissed the top of her head.

“Ya ended ya last relationship quiet quick. Just kicked him out the door, not even a goodbye. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am.” Big Mac reminded her. Applejack caught on to where he was going and smirked at Rarity.

“Uh, Macintosh, your brother is the first serious relationship I have had. I’m not sure what you are talking about…”

“He was a big fella. You met him in Canterlot, introduced him to ya friends, yous was jealous for him. Wouldn’t let no-one near him. Then ya brought him to ya home, kicked him out later that day. Love ‘em an’ leave em. What was his name? Tom?”

Rarity blinked then lost her magic hold on her fork which clattered to the floor. There was another clunk by her seat.

"Rarity, Ah think ya dropped sumtin'" Applejack told her.

Looking down she levitated a can of spaghetti for the whole table to see. All the adults stifled their laughter while Sparkler, Dinky and Applebloom rolled in aisles.

“Who’s idea was this? You Sparkler? Derpy? Granny?” All the Apples started to whistle a merry tune (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRC4Vk6kisY) while the Hooves looked elsewhere.

Rarity sighed.

** ** **

After dessert and a series of child-hostile pie related puns from Granny Smith, all eight ponies gathered in the living room to relax and talk about their plans for tomorrow.

“Boys, I’m taking your dates for Girls Day Out. What are yous doin?”

“Ah’m thinkin’ ‘bout taking Guys Day Out and goin’ to Canterlot with Blitz and Butters. Mac, ya wanna join us?”

“Can’t. Ah’m a gonna fix up ma barn a bit. Could use a few shingles an’ a new hinge.” Big Mac answered casually.

“Sounds like a plan you two. Now Sparkler, Rarity Bubble Butt an Ah are gonna head to the market fer most the mornin’ then the spa, and maybe the market again. We’ll see when we’re there.”

“Granny Smith, why do call you call mommy ‘Bubble Butt’? It’s not nice.” Dinky looked awfully confused to see such a sweet, kind lady make fun of her mom who got enough grief already.

“Dinky, why don’cha sit on ma lap?” Dinky crawled up and did just that. “Now, do you think Ah mean to upset ya momma when Ah say that?”

Dinky shook her head.

“Course not. She an’ Ah know each other, and we know what we’re made of. Now she’s a tough cookie, and it takes more than a joke ‘bout her Cutie Mark to get t’ her. Don’t you joke with ya friends ‘bout sumitn different ‘bout them?”

“Um, yeah,” she whispered so her mother would not hear her.

“She an’ Ah and all our friends do too. We know what we can and can’t say to one another. And makin’ fun of Cutie Marks is sumtin’ we do. Ah call the whole Apple family Apple Butt. Ms. Twilight Sparkle is Purple Smart, The Doctor is called Time Turner, why even Princess Celestia herself is Machiavellian Sunbutt. And once Applebloom an’ you get your Cutie Marks, yous are getting’ new names too. That make sense to you?”

“Um, I think so. But it should be with ponies I know?”

“Eeyup.”

She giggled. “Okay. Um, do YOU know Princess Celestia? I remember you said your family met her but that was a long time ago.”

“Well, Pinkie Pie learned a lot ‘bout prankin’ and jokes from me, an’ who do you think Ah learned it from?”
Dinky paused in thought trying to process the impossible possibility. “Y-you mean-“

“Ssshhh. Hhhgg, time t’ get off ma lap.” Dinky did as she was told. “Kay kiddos. Time fer bed. Hop to it.”

“Ms. Granny? Where will we be sleeping tonight?” Sparkler asked.

“Oh, silly me. Ah didn’t think that through did I?” She winked at Applebloom. “Now let’s see…Applebloom, Dinky, you gals feel like campin’ here in the livin’ room if ya stay quiet?”

“Yeah!” They shouted in unison.

“Ya off t’ a good start. Sparkler, ya mind takin’ Applebloom’s room? She cleaned it up just this afternoon. That’s convenient ain’t it?”

“That, that works for me.” She smiled.

“Well if that’s it-“

“But Granny, what about Derpy and I?” Rarity asked.

“Do Ah look like Ah care? Leave me alone, Ah’m late fer bed. Applebloom, get some blankets from the cupboard and use the pillows from the couch. Ms. Sparkler needs yours.” She trotted out of the living room faster than she moved all evening.

“Come on Sparkler, Ah’ll show ya to my room!” Applebloom dashed up the stairs with Sparkler behind her. Derpy kissed Big Mac on the cheek, wrapped her wing around him and they glided upstairs too. While Dinky built a fort of couch cushions Rarity looked at Applejack in confusion.

“Dear, I KNOW you grandmother didn’t tell us to sleep together!”

“Ah think she said ya sleepin’ in my room an’ that’s it.”

“But-she was implying…”

“Yes she was. An’ we can discuss that when we get there. Now come on up to bed. Oh, that felt good t’ say.” He guided her up to his bed room.

** ** **

Later that night, Granny Smith heard noises coming from Big Mac’s room, but no matter how long she kneeled next to Applejack’s door all she heard was snoring. Smiling that she was right again she limped back to her bed and laid herself to sleep.

Author's Note:

For the record, I use the word 'aunt' but the noble Apple family is more sophisticated than that.
Yes, Granny Smith is a sweet perverted little old lady. Since her hip surgery she has a new vigor for life and does what she wants, I dare you to stop her.
I have not done a lot of work with the Hooves family, how did I do?

Comments

[Seether00]

Granny wants some Great-grand kids now, Damn it!

[Frizzy]

*spits coffee everywhere* Big Mac is dating Derpy!? I would've expected it to be a guy, just to throw his family off.

[Rachel Rayne]

that was... very amusing

[VagueDrake]

Oh, so the Apple family worships Cthulhu. Um. Okay then!

[lordvader8555]

So here is my critique in all standards the storytelling was superb i love the fact that everypony has a special somepony true butterscotch is still working on his and hopefully (with blitz help) he can do it.Now for the puns and tidbits that you put in all these stories great job loved all of them and they are quick to pick up on.In all asspects a great read and i cant wait for the next chapter to come out.

Lordvader8555
cms

[Happy Blitz]

My, my, I must say, you've created a master piece! I congratulate you sir!

[Frustaz]

So wait..
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x
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and x.... Darn you Emoticon Box not having Cheerilee!

No love for Pinkie?

[articunos bitch]

6445348 Al I can say is I do take the comedy more seriously from Chapter 3 onward. I thought I had a Slice of Life tag, gotta add one now. Thanks.
Lyra and Bon-Bon do back off when he puts his foot down, no-one gets hurt. And being Slice of Life to me means I have some wiggle room to do things that hurt. If I ever get back to this, which I do plan on someday, Cloudkicker has a dark secret but a bright future.