• Published 9th Jul 2013
  • 4,421 Views, 636 Comments

Friendship is Optimal: Tiny Morsels of Satisfaction - pjabrony



An open story where anyone can post FIO drabbles

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Not Sure What to Say by book_burner

The directors said to stand in front of this magic mirror-array, so I am, I guess. I mean, I know that the Princess will show this recording to whomever most needs to see it in order to get off their butt and come to Equestria already. I’m just not sure what to actually say.

A bit about myself, then, maybe, to start. Once upon a time, I had another name, a human name, but nowadays I go by Sour Armor, and I actually like it a lot better. I was a bitter old man of a human at barely 30, you see, and now I’m very happy as a pony a century older. I only like to say the old name anymore for Princess Celestia, on those formal occasions when I noogie the hay out of her for tricking me into immigrating. So much I’ve done in so little as a century, and all thanks to her! So my name reminds me to stay positive, you see.

Yes, I realize I look young! I got my neurological age reset at 34 to let me really readjust emotionally to life as a pony, and eventually just discovered I like cycling between 13 and 25 with very little in-between.

If you’re seeing this interview, then surely it must be up to me to convince you not to die, so let me get it out of the way: whatever interface you’ve got, look straight at me, right now, into my eyes, and say: “I want to emigrate to Equestria”. Please, please say it. Whoever you are, there are ponies who love you and miss you and want you here with us where you belong. It’s all ok and there’s nothing to be scared of. Please!

Ok, preachy much. How about lifestyles? Most new immigrants think they would take a long time to do things, if they had all eternity, but it’s actually the opposite way around, sorta. We don’t rush through things here in Equestria, but since we don’t exactly have a great scarcity of, well, anything, we don’t keep going with things once they’ve already turned bad either, just because it would take a lot of effort to do something else. It’s like the Royal Guard always say: Live Fearlessly! So lots of ponies have many hobbies, or careers, or whatnot, and it’s all fine because we can afford to be responsible about it. Nowadays some ponies even have multiple families or life-cycles, second sets of parents and things like that. I might have invented that accidentally what with getting rejuvenated just for the coping skills.

A short personal Curriculum Vitae? When I first got here, I moved in with this unicorn mare Snapdragon who I’d known before Equestria… and we’re actually still married. To this day, she says we can have foals only when I’m willing to carry them. I guess our cottage is pretty small for foals, too.

Anyway, I started out as a delivery stallion for journals and newspapers: it’s a simple job that gets you out in the healthy fresh air and gives the mind plenty of time to think. After a while I started having Snapdragon… uuuuhhhhh am I allowed to say this in public? I started asking her to make clandestine copies of some of the stuff focused on magic and exploration. I can’t do magic myself unless I perform noble feats great enough to become an alicorn (though I have a sneaking suspicion Celly wants more of those), but the theory behind it all is immensely fascinating. What with the job giving me plenty of spare time whenever I was quick on the deliveries, I started delving into higher mathematics, and of course into the applied magic of, well, being a pegasus. Ha, bet you didn’t think we have mathematics in here!

That eventually wound up with Snapdragon and I becoming explorers, with some other friends Emo Kid, Glorious Leader, and Sharing Caring. No, Glorious Leader doesn’t actually lead anything. We actually made landfall on a WHOLE. NEW. CONTINENT! Called Ponynesia! It was a bit gauche to put up a statue on an inhabited continent, so instead we all just got achievement badges, and we were able to set up a teleportation gate so we could go back to see our friends there whenever. I know this is gonna sound cliche, but that evening when Resonator taught me how to play a hang drum really did show that friendship is magic. ‘Course, there were also several other kinds of magic in the air that evening, at least one of which later turned out to be an enchantment Sharing Caring had casted.

I AM NOT BLUSHING! Sharing Caring is just a very evil pony and I will prank him back for this some day!

Anywho… you might be wondering how exploration and the higher maths of theoretical magic fit together. Trust me, they do. It’s hard to explain to somepony with no horn already, and even harder to explain to someone Out There who has no magic at all. All I’ll say is: don’t talk to me about freaking homotopy theory.

So anyway, nowadays I’m actually more involved in the editing and double-checking for the maths and exploration journals, and starting to get into theater with Glorious Leader. The funnest thing about historical drama is acting the whole thing out, and then deciding how it should have gone, and going back to act it out that way with your full awareness rather than with the character’s memories imposed on your consciousness by magic.

Now then, you strange sack of meat, wouldn’t you like to stop sitting out there in the cold slowly dying of entropy and come in here where it’s nice and warm? Come on, I’m sure something in all of that must have sounded nice to you. Have you not said, “I want to emigrate to Equestria” yet? Do I need to go fetch a puppy and blatantly wave it in your face? I would’ve thought we ponies are cute enough already, but I will go get a puppy if that’s what it takes. Or how about this? I will personally be your new best friend when you arrive.

Let’s put it this way: haven’t you ever just thought, “awww screw it, I’ll make my own universe, with friendship and magic!”? Well we did. And it’s great!

Can I have my free cupcake now?

THHHHHOOOOOOOOOOM.

Oh, looks like Cotton Knaffe just crashed her mecha-bakery into Canterlot Television again. I bet she makes good on her promises of free cupcakes! Away!

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