Canterlot is visited by a strange business pony who offers much wealth to the land and it's people. This is the story of the rise and fall of The Equestrian Arena, following the stories of gladiators across the lands with strange powers and unique abilities. Read and see the action, romance, and intensity of The Arena!
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This looks promising. Want to see how it goes. Also, love the Dragon Age cutie mark Blood there.
Thanks ^.^ I picked that cause I want to make subtle references to games/videos I enjoyed throughout the fic
You're taking offers for the unicorn's name? How about...Bowdark? No. Darksight? How about Trueshot? Yeah, I like Trueshot!!
And a wonderful chapter! ^^
2846048 I may go with trueshot, maybe give him a catchy last name to go with it too
2849942 That would be cool. Lemme try to think of a cool last name...hmm...Fletching would be funny.
But I get the feeling that's not cool enough. Maybe Trueshot Bolt?
Well, whatever you decide, good luck!
2849978 haha thanks xD
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group Authors Helping Authors.
Name of story: Tales from the Equestrian Arena
Grammar Score Out of 10: 6.5 rounded up to a 7
Pros:
-The story is intriguing as far as the first chapter goes.
-I haven't seen a story idea like this before in My Little Pony fanfiction.
-You made some compelling points on why the arena would be in Equestria (They need the money, it is an entertaining sport, much like the lancing in the Crystal Empire, and they need the money).
-The fight scenes are pretty good, you made it easy for the imagination to create the picture them.
Cons:
-You sometimes forget to put a letter in a word to make a proper sentence or put the wrong letter in a word so it's still a correct word but it's improper for the sentence, an example would be:
Here you forgot to put the y in they so instead it was The tackled which makes no sense.
There's a cheering crown? (I'm just making a little joke here, not trying to be offensive in any way). But in all seriousness, you put, "The crown," instead of, "The crowd."
-In some places you also forget to put a period, a comma, or a word for the sentence to make sense or be complete. Like here:
You forgot to put the “to” after enough and before look.
It is not his breath that got the air knocked out of him it was his lungs.
Here you forgot to put a comma after “hurt” and you put ponies which mean more than one pony instead of pony’s which means the broad sword of the pony.
-I noticed throughout the chapter that you put periods instead of commas when someone has finished speaking. Now to clarify this further, when someone speaks, when they finish speaking it is usually followed by a comma, but this is only when you are saying things in your story like, “Impressive, I have heard rumor of the griffon kingdom accepting arena style combat into their society. I assume your current project involves establishing your 'Colosseum' here in Equestria," Celestia spoke, lowering her friendly tone to a more serious one. It’s only when you say this person spoke or give a momentary pause for the speaker to do a certain action which you could then connect to the next line either through a comma or period, either one should be grammatically correct. This rule, however, does not apply when you use an ellipse (… <- That), a question mark, or an exclamation mark. If I made this rule a little confusing, sorry, you can message me and I'll help figure it out with you.
-I also notice you put a lot of (insert pony name here) spoke, and use the word spoke in general a lot. I suggest using different words to add more flavour to the text because using the same word too much can cause a lack of interest from the reader. You can look up some synonyms for spoke so you can avoid this problem.
-Another thing is that your sentences are sometimes choppy and stilted by saying a bunch of actions in a bunch of really small sentences that could easily be combined into bigger sentences so they're not so choppy.
Now that that stuff is done, Notes:
Over all I liked the story. It is an original story idea for a MLP fanfic, and I'm looking forward to reading the other chapters you have for it. I'm also guessing from your writing that you read quite a bit so you have a good idea on what writing should look like, there weren't really any major problems you need to work on, just the ones I listed, and to help narrow down this list really fast, I suggest you do two things. One that I suggest every author to do is get an editor/proofreader if you haven't already gotten one. You can easily find one in the group, "The Proofreader Group." The second thing is if you really want to improve your grammar, search up some grammar worksheets you can work on and tests and study guides to help your writing become better in no time, though, this is really something you don't have to do, I still suggest it anyways if you want to.
That's everything I have to say about your story from what I've read of the first chapter. It's definitely a good story, and I'm sorry if some of the things I said were a little harsh. If you want to, you can review one of my current stories, The Dragoon or Got it Memorized?, but I have The Dragoon on hiatus because of terrible writing and I'm going to redo everything with it, and Got it Memorized? has already received plenty of reviews, so if you want you can wait until a one-shot story of mine, "The Landmare," comes out from editing and review that instead. It's totally up to you, but I ask if you'd either wait for my one-shot or add another review onto Got it Memorized? I'm kinda fearful for anyone to read my terrible writing of The Dragoon. Anyways, enjoy the review, hope I wasn't too harsh, I was only trying to show you the minor flaws of your grammar, and I'll see you later.
Cheers mate!
~Flamer_Brony
2917614 Thanks man and no worries about harshness ^.^ I enjoy criticism, for it makes my writing better
2919232 Phew, that's good to hear. (Sorry for the late reply, fimfic never said you responded, which is kinda weird.) Anyways, I hope I helped, and I just realized I forgot to like and fav this. BRAIN WHERE ART THOU! Now to read the rest of the chapters and patiently wait for more!
2959734 And I thanks for the fav on a completely different fic I wrote haha im out of it today
2959745 That or you're predicting the future.
Seriously though, I was going to check out your Fire Emblem story next. 
2962478 I've been known to have random future visions lol Jkjk
2963037 Hahahaha, yeah. Now, for more ponies!
2963845 MOAR PONIEZ
2964891 MOAR!!!
