Tales from the Equestrian Arena

by Bishibosh the Shaman

Chapter 1

Tales from the Equestrian Arena
Chapter One

"MARES AND GENTLECOLTS! WELCOME TO THE GRIFTPAN COLOSSEUM!" The loud voiced announcer shouted through his voice amplification spell. "TODAY WE WILL BE SHOWING YOU THE MATCH YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR! BOTH REPRESENTATIVES OF TWO DIFFERENT SPECIES! TODAY THEY TAKE UP ARMS AGAINST EACH OTHER TO PROVE WHO THE TRULY DOMINANT RACE IS!"

The crowd cheered and screeched as the voice echoed through the structure. Griffon and pony alike flocked to the capital city of Griftpan, eager to watch the fight. The energy collected in the arena was thick in the air. It was a grudge match after all, much more than that in reality. A grudge match between an earth pony and a griffon.

"ENTERING FROM THE EAST GATE; GLADIATOR FROM HIS YOUTH, ADOPTED INTO THE ARENA FROM ARABIAN SLAVERS, WITH A STUNNING TWENTY THREE STRAIGHT VICTORIES THIS SEASON ALONE! THE ONE AND ONLY, BLOOD DRAGON!"

A lone earth pony stepped out into the dusty arena. His body clad in shiny steel armor, glittering silver in the sun. The flank of his armor coated in red, the design shaping into a dragon's head. Mounted on the side of his armor sat a scabbard holding Blood Dragon's weapon of choice, a simple broad sword. The lone pony stood in silence as the crowd cheered. The announcer's voice blared through the arena once more.

"NOW ENTERING OVER THE WESTERN WALL; AN EX-KNIGHT FOR THE GRIFFON MILITARY, REMOVED FROM SERVICE FOR BRUTALITY! COMING BACK FROM A SLOW START OF THREE DEFEATS BUT OVERCOMING WITH A WHOPPING SEVENTEEN VICTORIES! THE FIERCE, THE SAVAGE, THE UNHYGIENIC! TALON SLASHER!"

The crowd cheered once again as the over sized griffon swooped in the arena. The bird barely wore any armor save for wing guards that were required for pegasi and griffon alike. Talon never like the safety rules the arena enforced. He wielded a massive spear that rested on his back. His massive size was dwarfed by the spear itself. The griffon landed on the dusty ground opposite of the earth pony. They exchanged glances as they awaited the call to battle.

---

Three months, that's how long it has been since the changelings and their Queen invaded. The damage they wrecked upon the city was less than major, but enough to merit concerns of safety for it's citizens. Celestia put it upon herself to balance the funds so that the city could be fully repaired, but had no idea just how much damage had been caused. What wasn't externally damaged, it was internally and even though nopony got hurt... Some things just don't get easy. The white alicorn paced the room back and forth trying to figure how to fund the repairs. They had to be done less somepony got hurt or worse. Many of the wealthy families would donate to the cause, but would it be enough is another question. Celestia sighed, she had been awake most the night contemplating the answer and it was nearly time for her court session.

Celestia was about to step towards the door when it opened, and in walked the dark blue alicorn she called her sister. Luna also looked as if she had gotten no sleep. She was told not to worry about it, but Celestia knew her sister's heart and knew she wouldn't let go of a challenge so easily. Her sister's piercing gaze seemed to silence the room, if it hadn't already been silent to begin with.

"How goes the funding sister, I have prepared a few plans myself. None of which you will agree with, but in a sire situation could be leaned on," Luna mentioned.
"Sister, I will not resort to overly taxing our people. They have suffered enough through the invasion," Celestia knew what her sister's plans entailed.
"But if we do not provide a solution, will they not suffer more for it?" Luna inquired.
"I know sister, but if there is another solution that nopony should suffer. I will find it..."

The two sisters argued and debated the matter for hours into the day. They tackled every angle of the matter, Luna tried to push the idea of increasing a tax but Celestia kept turning it down. After hours of debate, both the sisters were mentally exhausted. They were just about to call it for the day when a single guard stepped into the courtroom.

"Your highness's, A business pony has requested a presence before you," The guard pony stated.
"Sister, do you really want to take this after all we have been through today?" Luna complained, hoping to get a nap before her nightly duties.
"No, I don't but this shouldn't take but a moment. Who knows, perhaps he has our answers," Celestia smiled at the shallow hope. "Send them in please."
"At once."

The guard shot a salute as he turned towards the door and stepped out. Celestia watched the door in silence for a moment before the same guard opened the doors again but instead of him, another pony stepped into the courtroom. Luna noted his gangling appearance as well as his nontraditional garb. It seemed familiar but she was unsure of how. The pony spoke with a collected, yet refined accent.

"Ahh greetings your royal highness's, I am Jaque Claude Van Regalley the Twenty First. Owner and proprietor of the world famous Colosseum of Saddle Arabia" The pony knelt on a single foreleg as he bowed his head.

"Greeting to you as well Jaque Claude, I hope I may call you such for the sake of time," Celestia smiled as she began.

"Of course! Of course! You will find me a hard pony to offend your royal highness," Jaque responded with a grin.

"That is good to hear, now onto your business you wanted to speak with us about," Luna started this time.

"Ah yes, as I said I am the owner and proprietor of the world famous Colosseum of Saddle Arabia. I own arenas across the world that provide both entertainment for the people and funds for the economy. My latest achievement was establishing a branch in the Griffon Capital city of Griftpan."

"Impressive, I have heard rumor of the griffon kingdom accepting arena style combat into their society. I assume your current project involves establishing your 'Colosseum' here in Equestria," Celestia spoke, lowering her friendly tone to a more serious one. "Unfortunately, this is peaceful land. On top of that, we are in a financial crisis. I don't believe we could afford the construction of such a site."

"There is no worries for the cost of construction, for I am willing to pay for both construction and the lot should you choose to grant me permission," Jaque continued with his smile, Celestia inwardly congratulated him on his guile. "Alas, I am well aware of the controversy such a project may ensue, hence why I now say that if you have any doubt of the moral effect I may have on your community simply say the word and I will dismiss myself from your beautiful country."

"And how exactly will this... arena aid in our part Mr. Jaque?"

"You see my lady, the arena is a growing... phenomenon! I watched in many cities as it started, many ponies and griffons were wary of the idea. However they attended a match and were swooned by the romance and action that is the arena!"

"You speak as though there is such... feeling in arranged combat..." Luna squinted.

"Yes, there is! The arena allows combatants from around the world to see both the reality of this violent world and to fulfill the desire to watch competition. And I assure you princess's, the arena is completely safe."

---

Blood Dragon lept away as the griffon launched his spear head directly at him. Although it missed, it planted itself into the ground which Talon used to pull him towards his prey. The griffon rushing towards Blood, the pony was left to pull his blade and block the barrage of talon slashes that would rend any normal fighter.

"No way you can block all of my attacks little pony, better give up now before you get hurt!" Talon growled through a grin as he slashed at the pony's broad sword.

Blood knew the griffon was right, but he had no intention on giving up. He watched the strikes as the hit, focusing his thoughts, he could feel the individual cuts in the air. While blocking each hit he took careful measure to remember each strike before...

"What's the matter little pony, can't stand to give up, Is your pride too strong? I'll help you with th-URK!" Talon knelt over in pain, conscious enough to look at the strike that silenced him.

His sharp eyes followed a pure white armored foreleg that buried into his feathers. A clear gut shot that knocked nearly all the air from his lungs. He dizzily looked back up towards the pony who had turned around and opened his beak to speak. Instead, his beak was shut by a pair of hooves smashing into both his face and his chest simultaneously. Talon's vision went black, and the last thing he remembered was thinking... Damn this dirt is cold...

Author's Note:

A new story to work on yay! The idea came to me while driving home from class, and I figured I should try something that isn;t a game crossover and see how it goes. The chapter seemed a little slow, but that's what I got you guys for! Let me know what can be done to make it better! and as always I hope you enjoyed it!

Comments

[Flamer_Brony]

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group Authors Helping Authors.

Name of story: Tales from the Equestrian Arena

Grammar Score Out of 10: 6.5 rounded up to a 7

Pros:
-The story is intriguing as far as the first chapter goes.
-I haven't seen a story idea like this before in My Little Pony fanfiction.
-You made some compelling points on why the arena would be in Equestria (They need the money, it is an entertaining sport, much like the lancing in the Crystal Empire, and they need the money).
-The fight scenes are pretty good, you made it easy for the imagination to create the picture them.

Cons:
-You sometimes forget to put a letter in a word to make a proper sentence or put the wrong letter in a word so it's still a correct word but it's improper for the sentence, an example would be:

The tackled every angle of the matter, Luna tried to push the idea of increasing a tax but Celestia kept turning it down.

Here you forgot to put the y in they so instead it was The tackled which makes no sense.

The crown cheered once again as the over sized griffon swooped in the arena.

There's a cheering crown? (I'm just making a little joke here, not trying to be offensive in any way). But in all seriousness, you put, "The crown," instead of, "The crowd."

-In some places you also forget to put a period, a comma, or a word for the sentence to make sense or be complete. Like here:

"What's the matter little pony, can't stand to give up, Is your pride too strong? I'll help you with th-URK!" Talon knelt over in pain, conscious enough look at the strike that silenced him.

You forgot to put the “to” after enough and before look.

A clear gut shot that knocked nearly all the air from his breath.

It is not his breath that got the air knocked out of him it was his lungs.

"No way you can block all of my attacks little pony, better give up now before you get hurt" Talon growled through a grin as he slashed at the ponies broad sword.

Here you forgot to put a comma after “hurt” and you put ponies which mean more than one pony instead of pony’s which means the broad sword of the pony.

-I noticed throughout the chapter that you put periods instead of commas when someone has finished speaking. Now to clarify this further, when someone speaks, when they finish speaking it is usually followed by a comma, but this is only when you are saying things in your story like, “Impressive, I have heard rumor of the griffon kingdom accepting arena style combat into their society. I assume your current project involves establishing your 'Colosseum' here in Equestria," Celestia spoke, lowering her friendly tone to a more serious one. It’s only when you say this person spoke or give a momentary pause for the speaker to do a certain action which you could then connect to the next line either through a comma or period, either one should be grammatically correct. This rule, however, does not apply when you use an ellipse (… <- That), a question mark, or an exclamation mark. If I made this rule a little confusing, sorry, you can message me and I'll help figure it out with you.

-I also notice you put a lot of (insert pony name here) spoke, and use the word spoke in general a lot. I suggest using different words to add more flavour to the text because using the same word too much can cause a lack of interest from the reader. You can look up some synonyms for spoke so you can avoid this problem.

-Another thing is that your sentences are sometimes choppy and stilted by saying a bunch of actions in a bunch of really small sentences that could easily be combined into bigger sentences so they're not so choppy.

Now that that stuff is done, Notes:

Over all I liked the story. It is an original story idea for a MLP fanfic, and I'm looking forward to reading the other chapters you have for it. I'm also guessing from your writing that you read quite a bit so you have a good idea on what writing should look like, there weren't really any major problems you need to work on, just the ones I listed, and to help narrow down this list really fast, I suggest you do two things. One that I suggest every author to do is get an editor/proofreader if you haven't already gotten one. You can easily find one in the group, "The Proofreader Group." The second thing is if you really want to improve your grammar, search up some grammar worksheets you can work on and tests and study guides to help your writing become better in no time, though, this is really something you don't have to do, I still suggest it anyways if you want to.

That's everything I have to say about your story from what I've read of the first chapter. It's definitely a good story, and I'm sorry if some of the things I said were a little harsh. If you want to, you can review one of my current stories, The Dragoon or Got it Memorized?, but I have The Dragoon on hiatus because of terrible writing and I'm going to redo everything with it, and Got it Memorized? has already received plenty of reviews, so if you want you can wait until a one-shot story of mine, "The Landmare," comes out from editing and review that instead. It's totally up to you, but I ask if you'd either wait for my one-shot or add another review onto Got it Memorized? I'm kinda fearful for anyone to read my terrible writing of The Dragoon. Anyways, enjoy the review, hope I wasn't too harsh, I was only trying to show you the minor flaws of your grammar, and I'll see you later.

Cheers mate!

~Flamer_Brony