• Member Since 22nd May, 2013
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Alchemicgree


I don't write stories. The stories were always there, I simply uncovered them and gave them life. I often write commissions that are of the quality you'd expect of me. So please enjoy!

Sequels1



Comments ( 307 )
Comment posted by CelestialKnight79 deleted Jul 7th, 2013

I feel special.
Second post!
I didn't even read! Lol

2821152 What's wrong with his grammar? :rainbowhuh: It's no better than the stuff I do.

So, I have a question: How come Rune already knows about Dusk's little love troubles? :rainbowderp: Did Luna tell him about it or something?

2836591 Oh don't think too much about it. You see me and Alchemicgree know each other. It is little more than a running gag at this point, and he doesn't take it seriously at all because he knows its just my OCD talking. I'm sorry for the confusion. :twilightsheepish:

I'd like to see where this goes, but there are a few improvements you can make here.

Most importantly is character speech. Right now it's a bit of a cluttered mess, with multiple people talking in the same paragraphs. The common practice is that if a different character starts talking then start a new paragraph.

I like this, room for improvement no doubt, but I definitely like this.

Good start:ajsmug: this fanfic will be interesting:twilightsmile:

Ya sorry about the grammar and the dialogue issues. I just edited the first chapter to better sort out who is talking in the dialogue. And I was able to answer meme-asaurus question. I thought I already put it in the chapter, but I forgot. My bad lol. Thanks for pointing that out. Re-read if you wanna see the slight differences.

I like this so much. I can't wait for the next chapter.:twilightsmile:

So, I'm a little worried with the grammar and all.
The way you write Dawn Rune makes him appear as an Australian in my head, which please god I hope he is. However, Spike is a chilled back dude, but I don't feel like he's going to refer to Dusk as 'bro' every chance he gets.
But, it's got potential. I'm cool with this, for an OC story.
If you want any help or something, give me a yell.

the nerdy hero with lady with the hots for him and he is too dens to see byt his frend sees the fucher that will come of it but is insane:ajbemused:........ just like manga:pinkiehappy:

Good introduction to the story, gives a good explanation as to how Dawn Rune and Dusk Shine were acquainted years ago, but was not mentioned until now. Funny that not only that these two characters are contrast by their level of social activity vs studying, but with Rune having Princess Luna herself as his teacher, which is a nice surprise to say the least.
Anyhow, this chapter is not without some errors in punctuation and grammar. One of such thing is not starting a new paragraph when a new speaker starts so that readers won't confused that the dialogue is spoken by multiple characters and not just one. You should use Italics on certain monologue that help show more that is spoken as inner thoughts. Lastly, perhaps have some use of the Quote function around the letter to give the visual appearance of it being material . The last point is just a personal thought.

Overall, nice work, but could some polishing. Anyhow, keep up the good work man:pinkiesmile:

isn't luna a part of dusk's harem, i mean she did proclaim him the royal boyfriend.
this could get really awkward really fast

Dawn's cutie mark is the conjuration/oblivion symbol from ES...Is he a legendary at conjuration, or a daedric prince? :pinkiegasp: OR IS HE BOTH!? (ES=Elder Scrolls)

2846638 When I designed Dawn Rune, I wanted a good runic symbol. So the oblivion symbol was the first to come to mind. I've played it several times and I wanted a runic symbol that I was more familiar with. And since I have yet to reveal what magic he excels in, he may be a conjurer of some kind. But I'll leave you guessing for now.

I like it so far. Please do continue. :raritystarry:

To be brutally honest, that opening wake-up call is a little creepy.:fluttershyouch:

And I know this might be teeny little nitpicky, but could you start a new paragraph every time somebody else starts talking? It's only grammatically correct. I learned that one the hard way.

2866299
I know what you mean, but i always struggle with the thought that the paragraph becomes to short. And the wake up scene was meant to be creepy. One of the purposes of Dawn Rune is he's supposed to be unpredictable, one minute he's talking non stop, next second he looks at the sky in a "happy happy joy joy" look. Thanks for the advice :pinkiehappy:

The original is one of my favorite fics that I've found and this looks like it will be really good too. I don't like to complain about grammar or things along that line because I suck at them, but one of the things that I would like to say is that you used 'then' a lot. Nothing against 'then' or anything but try to use a different word for what happens next or you can drop it off entirely (there were a couple paragraphs that had 'then' in them 3 times and it started to sound redundant). That was the only thing I could think to change.

Another good chapter, Don-kun. Just follow meme-asaurus advice and you will be fine. Loved the zing moment by the way.

What.......The.......Fuck
This story great

Only one character should speak (verbally or mentally) per paragraph unless they are saying the same thing

2895483 I know I tried a different approach in the second chapter but that didn't work out. SO it was the third chapter that I believe I'm fixing the dialogue.

Flaming cheese wheels! :rainbowlaugh: I don't remember you saying that one to me in the ruff draft. That was unexpected, and just too rich. Keep it up, Don-kun. You hear me?

That last comment makes me start to suspect that Rune has a thing for Dusk as well.

...

This is going to be perfect.

It is official Rune has won the Greatest bro slash wingman in the multiverse ever:eeyup:

Wait, so when Dusk wakes up, he's suddenly going to have the memories of having a date with all six of his potential marefriends, and SEX with several if not all of them?

...

I think Rune should start a speed dating service.

:ajbemused: Get me a gun I'm going to the multi-dimensional Fluttershy hell

"DAMMIT RUNE, TRIXIE WASN'T FINSHED YET!":flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

Also, I'm going to assume that the other Dusks aren't aware of each other.

Alchemicgree have you ever read a novel by Piers Anthony? he has written fantasy novels for a long time and as time progress his books included more, better detailed sex scenes. Although it primarily centers with human anatomy i am sure one can pick up some good pointers from them.

And this is not an attack on your writing now, just pointing a potentially useful tool. i am enjoying the fic so far, keep up the good work.

P.S i cant wait to see Rarity's and Fluttershy's turn

2925973
This story is a Spin-off of The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine I already got the creator of that story's permission to use the universe within his story. When Pinkie Pie mentions an "original" she means the main story, because the main story has no clop scenes.

"I don't know how long I can keep this up?" Rune said to himself.

That... wasn't a question.:applejackconfused:

I have the biggest Pinkamena fetish right now. :pinkiecrazy:

All I can say is you could have built up the scene a little more, but that is just me; my own personal opinion. I can only imagine what will happen in the Rarity chapter. It kind of scares me when I think about. :twilightsheepish:

This was not well written and filled with grammatical errors... still funny though!
In all honesty, I'm only here because of the source material of Dusk. :twilightsheepish:

and suddenly clop... was not expecting that.
which is weird seems I read last chapter's author's notes.:trixieshiftright:

Two more Dusks show up and we have two more dates after this.:rainbowlaugh:

Why do I get the feeling that Rarity and Fluttershy are about to get shafted in the non-sexual sense.:raritycry::fluttercry:

Angel is getting into some risky business wink wink nuge nuge

Lol, fluttershy and sky rim references go hand in hand. Or hoof in hoof?

Comment posted by Alchemicgree deleted Aug 16th, 2013

Why was Luna addressing Dusk in the letter as 'To My Royal Husband' and end it as 'Your Princess and Mistress'?

3063222
Because in the main story, Princess Luna has a thing for Dusk. That and she has the whole, "Canterlot Princess" thing. Which means she gets titles, at least that's what I think.

:pinkiecrazy:-crazy mad
:trixieshiftright:-pissed
:raritywink:-super pissed
:ajbemused:-not happy
:fluttershyouch:-.........i forgot
:rainbowlaugh:-throught it was a prank

4/6 mad.......yep rune dead

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