• Member Since 11th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

CinnamonSwirltheBreaded


Not sure if writing clop or giving biology lessons.

Comments ( 102 )

For the record, I thought it was great and would be happy to see more.

I found it enjoyable! I can only imagine what Dash would have to say about being written as a stallion!

Is Cinnamon Swift aware about Lero?

Antagonistic.
"agonistic" would be 'agony'+'istic'.

2866141 I think this is set before Lero. Nightmare Moon was just defeated so probably season1ish

So, little grammar things...

Prismatic, rather than prismic.
It's 'pegasus' in the singular, whereas this page uses 'pegasi.'
"another sort—but related" should be "another - but related - sort of"
"As his cock appear, Twilight ran her hoof down along it’s length" should be "As his cock appeared, Twilight ran her hoof along its length" (tense, redundancy, and wrong its)
Should be 'make do' instead of 'make due.'
“would you be so kind as to...?" should have a capital W at the start, since it's not continuing the prior quoted sentence.
"Uh, of course Miss. Sparkle," should be "Uh, of course, Miss Sparkle." (including the ending period, since it's not a 'said' verb immediately after)

Uhm, okay ... there's a few issues I can see. You might want to get an editor, they'd be able to help more then me. But where I stopped was

it’d be wait more safer

Wait more safer? WAY more safer. I'll give it a look when I get home but, yeah, I suggest poking at someone with some editing time on their hands to look this over more thoroughly than I can.

2866187>>2866201

That's what I get for not paying more attention to the description. >.>

2866141>>2866195

This takes place in season, which should place it before Lero appears in Equestria, although admittedly I'm not sure I've ever seen a sold date dropped for that.

2866252

::derpyderp1: Opps.

Well, someone didn't do much research. I'm surprised Cinny was allowed to use their actual names; you'd think there'd be laws against that sort of thing.

In any case, I'm loving the story thus far. I look forward to more.

2866201 Except we are talking about rational beings in a story, not animals. Antagonistic.
Cinnamon is the protagonist and Star Sparkle is the antagonist.
2866265

Wait more safer? WAY more safer

'way safer'. The suffix 'er' means 'more relative to the current or previous level' so 'way more safer' = 'way more more safe'.
2866273

This takes place in season, which should place it before Lero appears in Equestria

Which season?

2866374

Mother of Celestia,

I am not on my game today.

Season one, is what I meant to say.

I'm enjoying this so far!

2866380 Eh, I had to make 3 corrections to that comment after I posted it. Mistakes happen. It's a fact, no being can be perfect every time. Facts, no point trying to argue with 'em.:moustache:

Not bad, not bad at all, I hope you'll continue it soon.
Also I can already see Cinnamon face when she realise Twilight is one of herd's foals. :rainbowlaugh:

I am SO looking forward to the day she meets Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle. Would she have attended the "Best Young Flyer's competition" soon after the first date and begun to get a glimmer of her mistake? :rainbowhuh::facehoof::pinkiehappy:

Why are they stallions? Does Cinny not know their genders or something? :rainbowhuh:

Fun story, looking forward to the next chapter.

2895652
Cinny knows their genders, but as she explains later to Twilight, having a mixed group of ponies is just more marketable. :pinkiecrazy:

I pity this poor little pony, following the beating of her nethers straight into Lucent's circus of freaks, snobs and sociopaths.

cinnamon writes r63 fics? :rainbowhuh:......:rainbowlaugh:

And here I was looking forward to the next excerpt! Still, great stuff, it's fascinating to watch he herd interact, especially seeing them adapt to a new member. Especially interesting is seeing Star's attitude shifting to be more charitable towards her now that she's part of the herd.

Well, now the penny's dropped, Cinny is going to panic hard when she gets a moment to herself I reckon.
3272953 Star's attitude is a bit surprising. In another Xenophilia story Twilight Sparkle refered to her mother (Star) as being a cold, distant, heartless pony. When her own daughter thinks that, well, it's quite surprising to see her being friendly at all. I'm with Cinny on this one point, I don't know why Lucent puts up with her.

3274151

Twilight's a bit biased against her, I think. She's not a nice pony in any regard, but she's not the ogre many make her out to be. I think she and Cinny warm to each other- Reading "Ask Star Sparkle", they seem to be able to playfully tease and mess with each other... and also seem to be having sex fairly regularly. (Star was always a sucker for wings.)

3274183:rainbowhuh: Really? Even having sex? That's surpring, Apart from Lucent and perhaps Glint, there has been no mention of Cinny being sexual with the others in the herd. Of course this story and what you mention are probably from two dfferent time periods. I'm assuming by the title that what you referenced is a tumblr thing. I can never follow those, tumblr is so confusing.

Also Twilight may be biased, but that's the point, years and years spent with her is bound to give Twilight a good idea of how she works. A lot of Twi insecurities seem to come back to how her mother treated her. I men she likes to think of Twilight Velvet as her mother, that's how bad it is. Sorry for being a bit aggro about Star, but thinking of cute little filly Twilight being mistreated is just wrong to me.

3274259

Really? Even having sex? That's surpring, Apart from Lucent and perhaps Glint, there has been no mention of Cinny being sexual with the others in the herd. Of course this story and what you mention are probably from two dfferent time periods. I'm assuming by the title that what you referenced is a tumblr thing. I can never follow those, tumblr is so confusing.

Yeah, this is near end of Season one, the tumblr seems to be roughly equivalent to post-season 3 by a few years. And various stories Overtly state that she's been intimate with Lucent and Velvet, and in the tumblr, Twilight Sparkle seems pretty confident she's had sex with Glint, and Star's made comments that imply she's been intimate with Cinnamon and possibly Crystal... and then a few episodes later, appears in bed with Cinny, and their conversation implies they had sex not long ago. Of Crincle and Scintillia there's no comment.

Also Twilight may be biased, but that's the point, years and years spent with her is bound to give Twilight a good idea of how she works. A lot of Twi insecurities seem to come back to how her mother treated her. I men she likes to think of Twilight Velvet as her mother, that's how bad it is. Sorry for being a bit aggro about Star, but thinking of cute little filly Twilight being mistreated is just wrong to me.

Oh, no, don't get me wrong, Star's entirely worthy of your disdain, I just prefer she be reviled for her actual flaws, not imagined ones.

3274425 I see, um, what do you mean by imagined flaws? I'm a bit confused by that statement.

3274613

The traits you quoted Twilight of, which aren't entirely true.

3274655 That's what I thought, but as a mother, those traits are kinda true.

3274662

Oh, yes, she's a terrible mother, that's not the point of argument, hence the line "Not entirely true".

3274700 Ah I see, well I certainly hope Cinny gets on with her better as time goes on. Who knows maybe Star just isn't getting enough action. :twilightsmile:

Aw, I like the excerpts. :fluttershysad:

In any case, very nice character moments for pretty much everyone involved. Also, this really made Shining earn some jerk points. He was planning on the marriage since before the Gala? Wow. Way to go, BBBFF.

Anyway, definitely looking forward to more. And I do hope you bring back the excerpts.

Oh, and one last thing:

“Oh?” Lucent’s eyes sparkled merrily. “I suppose I can see your point. Don’t worry, I know just the thing.”

derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/7/5/32640__rainbow+dash_derpy+hooves_suggestive_reaction+image_artist-colon-toonbat_and+then+they+all+fucked_and+then+sex+happened.png

Oh my gosh this was so good. I think Cinny is going to be ok now, at least with the herd. Oh sure they're still going to be mad but I'm sure they'll forgive her eventually. Twilight Sparkle on the other hand is going to be furious when she finds out. I mean not only is the author of the book part of her fathers herd, but Cadence is publishing the book. So there's two good reasoons she can't sue Cinny's flank, or get any kind of revenge really.

Part of me can't help but notice that the lesbian scene gets about a third of a chapter and straight sex gets "and then they totally did it."

In any case, great chapter. Really, I think Star's reaction to the book is about the best one could hope for. Let's just hope her daughter has a similar reaction (which, in all likelihood, she won't.)

3280403

According to Ask Star Sparkle, Twilight eventually got over it, eventually just regarding the whole thing as silly... And ironically enough, Cinny is one of the few members of Lucent's herd she actually likes on a personal level. (Outside if Velvet and Lucent, of course)

Ah, Star... For all that intellect, ultimately she's controlled by her venalities.

And I presume that Star Sparkle is just a lot more experienced than Twilight in getting her magic working again after climaxing, or that Cinnamon spent some time working her through afterglow before settling her on the couch, since she's able to cast again that quickly.

I really liked Star's characterization, fits great with the how i picture her. I'm loving this story so far, and it's not the clop, just the way it presents the inner workings of a mature herd.

3282360 Well that's understandable, I mean it probably did as Cadance thought it would and made her think about relationships and all which led to her being with Lero and Rainbow. Once Twilight got past this incident, of course she'd like Cinny more than the others (after Lucent and Twilight as you said) the others aren't anywherenear as likable as Cinny.:twilightsmile: Heck I wouldn't be surprised if Cinny and Twilight had sex, except Cinny hates the idea of sex outside the herd.

3285060

Well, Twilight's not a fan of it, either.

3285204 Really? Cinny did say it was common in unicorns, oh I see, cause Star does it and it probably made the rest of the herd uncomfortable. That makes sense.

3285266

It's common amongst unicorn elite, which Twilight definitely does not regard herself as, and likely, even if she did, would still regard it with distaste. The way I see it is, that unicorns, as nobles, often enter into herds for political or social reasons, rather than love, (Crincle in herd Lucent is an example. Of course, this being herd Lucent, they turned it on its head: her barrenness made the political aspect pointless, and they love her anyways.). And as such, they often take lovers for love and companionship, and it's tolerated as long as it's discreet. I don't think that was a blanket statement of "all unicorns have sex outside of herds and everyone's cool with it".

3286698
Actually, Cinny's statement was meant to include all unicorns, not just the elite ones. This doesn't mean that every unicorn does it, of course, just that it's not the sort of thing other unicorns would frown on if they found out.

3288031

Welcome, folks, to Equestria's racial stereotypes. >_>

3286698 oh no, of course its not something all unicorns would do, and yes that explanation sounds logical. However that kind of implies that Star is dissatisfied with her sex life with Lucent. Of course she seems to be dissatisfied with most things, just kidding.:twilightsmile:

3288072
Star doesn't consider herself one of the unicorn elite either, nor is she in truth. The only high born ponies in the herd are Crincile and Lucent.

It really is difficult to see Star Sparkle as anything but a petty little tyrant.

At least for me, that is.

And so slinging it around worked... Make sense.

Aww, it was fun but I was bummed it wasnt a new chapter :raritycry:

Rarity apparently felt the need to bring with her several bolts of fabric and measuring tapes and thread and all manner of things that Cinny had no names for. It was as if she expected that she might need all of it at a moment’s notice...

So, what you're saying is that Rarity keeps dressmaking supplies stashed in her luggage, in case of fashion emergencies?

In any case, Cinnamon has clearly become fate's chew toy. Something, be it Harmony, Discord, or Faust herself, hates the poor pegasus. Or worse, likes her.

I eagerly look forward to more.

3861157
For which we are all grateful, I'm sure. :pinkiesmile:

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