Happy Holidays
Rainbow Dash woke up when she rolled over and fell off of the couch. She snorted a bit, midway through a snore when it happened, then sat up with a yelp. Her eyes blinked and she smacked her lips. Yawning, she extended her wings and her forelegs, stretching and feeling the relief of several joints cracking and snapping. She hated the process of waking up, but being awake was more fun than being asleep.
From the floor, she looked back at the couch and wondered where Applejack was. The farmer was likely an early riser where Rainbow Dash liked to sleep in, but-
“Come back here ya thievin’ varmint!” a sweet drawl called from the other room. Rainbow Dash looked that way and saw Applejack’s tail for a moment before it whipped around a corner and out of sight. Seconds later, Twip ran into the room from the other entrance, darting around Rainbow Dash, with Applejack’s hat on his head. Applejack jumped over the sofa-shaped cloud that they both had shared the night before and just missed tackling the young pegasus colt by inches as he used his wings to dodge vertically.
“If ah can catch Dash ah can catch you!” she yelled before darting off after the small grey pony once more as he flew off into another part of the house. Rainbow Dash snickered at her marefriend’s predicament and pulled the blankets off of the sofa, folding them and holding them in her forelegs while flying up to the second floor to put them with the laundry.
She heard the wheezing laughter of her grandma Spring Breeze in another room nearby and quickly bolted for the window. Spring Breeze must have come before Rainbow Dash had woken up, and the young pegasus was in no mood to put up with her grandma’s passive-aggressive attitude. For some reason, Grandma Breeze found the ‘accomplishments’ of Rainbow Dash’s sisters to be of far greater esteem than all that Dash herself had accomplished.
Outside in the cool morning sky Rainbow Dash took a few seconds to enjoy the solitude. Less than a day back with her family and she was already grinding her teeth. Soon she would rip bits of her mane out in frustration.
Her brooding was halted by the sound of giggling. Dash looked towards it and saw a cloud spitting snowballs down towards the streets of Vanhoover. She grinned; tossing snowballs at other ponies from the sky was one of the best parts of winter. The dark grey cloud must have been a snow cloud since they were the best places to find an abundance of snow.
“Ouch!” A cry came from the ground. Rainbow snickered again and crossed the empty air to the cloud. Sticking her head into it, she saw her nephew Tweet forming a snowball in his hoof.
“Hey Tweet!” She said, grabbing one of the half-formed snowballs from the pile beside him. She grabbed a hooffull of snow and was about to make the ball a bit bigger when she detected something odd about it. It felt strange in her hoof. She looked at it closer and realized that she was holding a large chunk of ice. Tweet was coating the ice in snow to make it easier to throw.
“Hey!” She said, “That is not cool Tweet.” The colt looked at her with an arched eyebrow. “You can seriously- OUCH!” Tweet had throw the ball of ice and snow he was holding right at Dash’s neck and vanished through the cloud. “Son of a...” she swore, taking off after him.
Every pony in Rainbow Dash’s family was a good flier. Fast, strong, agile, but none could hold a candle to Rainbow Dash herself. She could catch up to Tweet in less than ten seconds if she really tried and if she was not distracted. However, much to the young colt’s great fortune, she was distracted.
“DAAAAAAAAAAAASH!”
Rainbow stopped in mid air, her wings flaring out to slow her momentum to nil. Looking around, she tried to find where the sound of Applejack’s voice came from.
“Up here!”
Looking up, Rainbow Dash was shocked to see Applejack on a tuft of cloud barely wide enough for her to stand on. She looked rather unhappy about it as well.
“How the hay did you get up there?” Dash called up to her.
“Stop shoutin’ and come get me!” Applejack snapped, “Ah can walk on the clouds but ah can’t fly no better than a rock!” Rainbow quickly flew up to her marefriend and wrapped her forelegs around Applejack’s midriff, carrying her away from the small cloud and back to the house, in through the second floor window at the end of the hall.
“So how did you-”
“That varmint Twip!” Applejack fussed, “He took mah hat this mornin’ and ah chased him outside to that cloud ah was on. Once ah got mah hat back he smashed all the clouds near me so ah couldn’t go nowhere. When ah get mah hooves on him, ahm gonna-”
“So that one must be Applejack.” Came a high, wheezy voice. Rainbow Dash buried her face into one of her hooves and groaned. Grandma Spring Breeze was present and accounted for, and apparently hadn’t gone downstairs since Dash had left. “Yep, she has her granny’s build. And her mother’s eyes.” This caught both Applejack’s and Rainbow Dash’s attention. they both turned to the pale mauve mare that hobbled towards the, her gray mane curled into a tight tuft atop her head.
“Y’all knew Granny Smith?” Applejack asked.
“Know her?” Spring Breeze said with a laugh, “The two of us were best friends for years and years! Who do ya think helped her deliver all that zapapple jam? Earth ponies are hardy and can walk clear across Equestria without a break, but my are you all slow! I was an unofficial delivery pony for Sweet Apple Acres before that Rich fella started to take care of distribution. Your granny and I used to have all sorts of fun growing up in Ponyville as it started to grow. Hehehe, why one time, the two of us met a real handsome stallion. We both had a liking for him but couldn’t settle on who saw him first so we both took him back to the barn and-”
“Hey GranGran,” Rainbow Dash cut in quickly, “Why don’t you go find Granny Moon Drop-”
“She’s got her muzzle buried in another of those confangled books of hers.” Spring Breeze said with a look of mild disgust, muttering “Egghead.”
“What’s an egghead?” Twip’s voice sounded. He fluttered over Spring Breeze’s head with a small box in his hooves. Applejack shot him a dirty look and Twip looked abashed. He held the gift wrapped present out to her. “Sorry for taking your hat this morning Miss Applejack.” he said with a pout.
Rainbow Dash was amazed at how quickly Applejack’s cold, irritated expression melted away to a warm smile. Rainbow had never seen Applejack shift that quick before and did not think to warn her that Twip was never apologetic.
“Awww, why thank ya lil’ partner.” Applejack said, taking the offered gift and patting him on the head before opening it. Twip giggled and flew away as Applejack stared into the box with a smile. “Aww, this is swee...” she began to say before a look of confusion crossed her face. She leaned her head in a little closer, gave a slight sniff, then dropped the box. “That danged rascal!” she yelled, jumping over the box and running down the hall and down the stairs to give chase to Twip once more.
“Huh?” Rainbow Dash leaned over the box and looked into it. There was a snowflake inside. A big snowflake made out of snow with a smiley face in the center. After a moment though, Dash could see that it wasn’t actually made out of snow. It was some gooey white stuff with brown flecks here and there. She leaned in a little lower and that was when the smell got to her.
“Ew!” she yelled, stepping back from the box, “Twip filled this up with bird crap!”
“Ehehehehehe!” Spring Breeze chuckled, “Boys will be boys, ehehehe. I bet your grandpa is the one who gave him the idea. Might have shook some of his brains out of his ears to supply the crap too, hehehehehehe!”
“Uh huh, yeah,” Rainbow Dash said, rolling her eyes and putting the lid back on the box. She took it into the bathroom and dropped it in the wastebin there. She was wanting to go downstairs and get some breakfast when her grandmother spoke again.
“So Dashie, when do ya plan on finally settling down?” the old mare asked.
“Ugh,” Rainbow groaned, “Not this again GranGran. I’ll settle-”
“Your sisters are all married.” Spring Breeze said, interrupting her. “Pearl got married three times already.”
“Yeah...two more than you’re supposed to.”
“And you haven’t got married once.”
“So?”
“I want grandchildren before I croak.”
“You have a half dozen.” Rainbow Dash answered dryly.
“Are you gonna marry that Applejack girl?” The question caught Rainbow Dash off her guard and she blanked out on an answer for too long. “She seems nice enough. Why haven’t you proposed?”
“Well I...uh...” Rainbow Dash stammered. Why hadn’t she proposed? It just never really came up.
“I’ll go ask her for you.” Spring Breeze said, hobbling over to the stairs. This brought words back to Rainbow Dash and also a new boost of energy.
She darted in front of her grandmother shouting “No!” but then she saw the grin and heard the cackle of the old mare and knew she had just been had. “That...was not funny!” Rainbow said as she felt her heart beating its way out of her chest.
“Hehehehe, says you!” Spring Breeze cackled as she slowly walked down the cloud stairs. After calming down herself, Rainbow went back down to the first floor as well. More of her family had shown up in the morning and the place was getting rather crowded.
The living room was full of Dash’s inlaws; the husbands of her sisters all cramming around the television to watch the highlights from yesterday’s hoofball game with her father and grandfathers. The kitchen had several of his sisters along with her grandmothers chattering about one thing or another. Dash had never had an ear for gossip and all her family ever did in the kitchen was gossip and bitch about one thing or another, quite often about Dash herself, so she avoided that.
“Hey Light Wing,” Rainbow said when she walked through the sitting room. It was vacant save for her snow white sister and pink sister Rhyming Shine, “Have you seen Applejack? Er, she’s the-”
“The earth pony? Yes.” Light Wing said with a snort and a roll of her eyes, “My my Dash, not only avoiding stallions, but pegasai as well?”
“Now shut it,” Rhyming Shine said, kicking a tuft of cloud across the room and into Light Wing’s face. “Who Dashie falls in love with isn’t anything to make fun of. You can’t choose who you love.”
“Easy for you to say.” Light Wing retorted with a giggle, “You married a lawyer in Canterlot. I’m sure there’s no issues of love there.”
“Career notwithstanding,” Rhyming Shine said.
“And still,” Lighting Wing said, looking back to Rainbow Dash, “The best you can do with all of your, *ahem*, achievements, is marry the heiress to an apple farm.”
“And the Element of Honesty...and best athlete in Ponyville...and recipient of the most medals in the last Equestria Rodeo.” Rainbow Dash muttered. “Anywho, did you see her?”
“Yes, she was going outside with my kids,” Rhyming Shine said. “Metal Tumbleweed and Ebony Fortune wanted to see some of her, hehe, rodeo tricks. Grace Bolt went with them too because she’s such an inquisitive girl. She’s going to be a lawyer like her father, mark my words.”
“Well that’s fortunate because your sons are going to need a steady supply of horseshoes to polish.” Light Wing said with a chuckle. Rainbow Dash left the room to ignore them and headed for the door to go outside. She needed to spend more time with Applejack and less time with her family if she was going to make it through to dinner.
The moment she pushed the soft white door open and saw outside, she was hit in the face by a snowball. Shaking her head to get the snow out of her eyes and off her muzzle. “What the hay?”
“Duck Dash!” Applejack shouted. Rainbow looked around for the source of Applejack’s voice and ended up getting another faceful of snow. “Ah told ya to duck featherbrain!”
Once Dash cleared her face of the fresh bout of snow she saw Applejack on a dark cloud with a mound of snow piled on top, swatting a snowball out of the air with her hat. Rainbow Dash flew up to her, dodging a snowball from her right. She glanced that way and saw Tweet and Metal Tumbleweed on another cloud getting ready to throw another snowball. This one came right at her and she swatted it aside with her wing before taking cover behind Applejack’s snow wall.
“Hey Dash!” Applejack said, giving Rainbow Dash a quick kiss on the cheek. “About time ya got out here!”
“How’d this all start?” Dash asked. A few minutes ago, Applejack was chasing Twip because of the ‘gift’ he’d given her.
“Ah chased yer nephew outside here and a few other colts ambushed me with snowballs. Ah started returning fire but they used their wings to block mah throws. Ah started using mah hat and now we’re all hunkered down in our own forts exchanging volleys. Heads up!” she said, taking off her hat and batting away a snowball that was about to hit Dash in the back of the head. “Twip ‘n Tweet are holed up over on that cloud,” She gestured with her hoof, “And the giggly one...er...Tumbleweed ah think, he’s with his sister over thataway.” She pointed to another cloud near the other end of the cloud house where Rainbow Dash could see two sets of hooves making a rather ornate looking snowfort.
“Ebony’s with me,” Applejack continued, “but he took a hoofful of snowballs and is sneakin’ around behind Twip’n’Tweet’s flank to ambush’em. Ebony may be small but he’s a crafty little feller.”
Dash chuckled a bit and gave Applejack a hug when she stood up to throw another snowball. Applejack wrapped her free foreleg around Dash’s head to return the gesture while throwing a snowball with her other hoof.
“Well at least you’re having a good time.” Dash said.
“Course ah am.” Applejack said, “With the foals at least. Yer brothers ‘n sisters are a hoofful. One of ‘em, ah think it was Rhymin’ Shine? She was askin’ me questions about the farm like she was some hoity toity friend of Rarity’s.”
“Oh...” Rainbow said, a tiny bit of guilt over her sister’s words rounding out her anger that she would insult Applejack like that, “I’m sorry, I’ll talk to her about that.”
“Nah it’s fine.” Applejack said, “Ah just treated her like Rarity more or less and got by. She ain’t half so bad as yer mah. All that you told me ‘bout her? Golly, ah thought you didn’t get along with yer family much, but you made her sound downright friendly compared to the way she treated me at breakfast. Talk about a whiner! All she did was gripe about you not bein’ married yet. Yeesh.” Applejack rolled her eyes, “As if ah ain’t gonna marry you.”
“Yeah-what?” Rainbow Dash looked at Applejack and blinked, her heart having stopped for a moment. She had been trying to forget about the whole marriage subject that had come up not long before but now Applejack was talking about it.
“Oh right,” Applejack said, “Ahm such an airhead sometimes, heheh. Dash, ya wanna marry me?” she asked, looking at Rainbow Dash directly now.
“W-what?” Rainbow Dash asked. She could not believe her ears. Was Applejack really proposing to her? Here? Now? Behind a wall of snow on a cloud during a snowball fight with a bunch of Rainbow Dash’s nephews around? Dash had imagined proposing to Applejack in a more romantic way. Writing it out in the clouds, or having a dozen pegasai rain flowers, or something. But being asked like this? So casually? So off-hand?
It was perfect..
“AJ...of course I d-oof!” As she answered, a snowball flew in over Applejack’s shoulder and hit Rainbow Dash square in the face. Tweet flew overhead laughing loudly and Rainbow Dash’s nostrils flared.
“Get back here featherbrain!” She shouted, taking off into the sky to give chase to Tweet. Applejack had to hold her stomach from how hard she was laughing as she watched Dash fly away after her nephew.
The rest of the day passed with Rainbow Dash and Applejack receiving a many congratulations from just about every pony in Dash’s family when they announced it at Lunch. That afternoon, Applejack went through what was apparently a ‘welcome to the family’ hazing which included incredibly foul tasting beverages, blindfoldedly jumping off the roof to trust her new family to catch her, and walking around the house backwards for an hour. The majority of the hazing was supervised by the in-laws, not the actual family. This made Applejack uncertain but when she asked Dash she just shrugged and said “Roll with it” so Applejack did.
Rainbow Dash and Applejack were setting the dinner table in the evening while the foals were outside playing a game of airball with a few of the adults who were not in the living room drinking or in the kitchen drinking and finishing making dinner. When the table was set the food was brought out and the newly engaged couple went outside to call everyone in for dinner.
Thirty-one pegasai and Applejack sat around the incredibly long table that curved around the living room in a large ‘U’ and extended outside quite a bit. Applejack liked that aspect of the cloud house; it was incredibly easy to remodel and customize to suit your needs.
A rather scrawny stallion who had arrived barely an hour earlier stood up just as everypony was about to dig in. He lifted his glass and said in a thin voice “I would like to propose a toast.”
“That’s uncle Soda Craft,” Rainbow Dash whispered, “He was ordained a year ago and won’t let a day go by without making someone praise the Princesses.”
“A toast to Celestia, Goddess of the Sun.” Soda Craft said, holding up his mug in such a serious manner that Applejack was tempted to snicker. She thought highly of the princesses- everypony did- but this was a little over the top, it seemed.
“And to Luna!” a young girl who came with Soda Craft said, holding her own cup up. Later Rainbow Dash would introduce her as Ballet Lace, Soda’s daughter.
“And Cadance!” Pearl Pop chimed in.
“And Twilight!” Applejack and Rainbow Dash said at the same time.
“Ah’d like to make a toast as well,” Applejack said, sitting up in her seat and lifting her mug of cider high. “Here’s to Hearth’s Warming Day, and that ah only ever have to see y’all again once every few years. Y’all can keep yer opinions, presents, ‘n good cheer to yerselves for the rest of it.”
The table was silent for what felt like many minutes to Rainbow Dash. Had AJ just insulted everypony? Was she not yet allowed to share in the family humor? Apparently she hadn’t and she was, because a loud chorus of “Here here!” and “Cheers!” sounded among hearty laughter which was drowned by the drinks in everypony’s hooves.
Rainbow Dash let out a breath she was holding and smiled, ready to laugh finally. She reached over to hold Applejack’s hoof but she was gone. “AJ?” she said, looking around. There was a scream from outside and every pegasus at the table knew what had happened; Applejack had fallen through the clouds. Twilight’s spell must have worn off sooner than they expected.
The idea of Applejack falling down to the ground and splattering all over the pavement of Vanhoover was enough to freeze Rainbow Dash with absolute terror for half a second. Fortunately for her, for them both, there was a room full of pegasai who were quick to react. The once crowded table was empty in moments and the sudden flurry of motion as every pony dove from their seats and through the cloud floor snapped Rainbow Dash out of her terrifyingly morbid thoughts and she was soon following her family.
Upon emerging below her parents’ house she saw the rest of her family hovering around with looks of relief on their face. Two of them were already carrying Applejack back up towards her, one of them carrying her hat on his head. It was her nephews Twip and Tweet! That little bit of surprise was shunted aside as Rainbow flew right into the three of them and wrapped her hooves around Applejack, squeezing her tight.
“Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh!” she repeated as tears began to leak from her eyes, “Applejack you...I...fall...crash...couldn’t...but...”
“Heheh, settle down now Dashie,” Applejack said, wanting to hug her back but her forelegs were still being held by Twip and Tweet. She settled for nuzzling her muzzle into her marefriend’s multicolored mane and kissing her forehead. The twins gave the task of carrying Applejack to Rainbow Dash who carried the Earth Pony down to the ground, placing her gently on the side of a road in Vanhoover.
Pearl Pop, Rhyming shine, and Straight Song landed near them to check that both were alright.
“Yeah we’re fine,” Applejack said calmly with a smile on her face.
“Speak for yourself!” Rainbow said, her heart still pounding against her chest as though attempting to escape. She wrapped her forelegs around Applejack again and the farm pony chuckled, patting Dash on the back.
“Alrighty then,” Straight Song said, flapping his wings, “You two wait here and we’ll go up and bring dinner down here.
“Hold on there,” another voice said. They all looked up and saw the rest of Rainbow’s family hovering around in the air. Her uncle, Soda craft, was the one talking. “Half of us ought to go up to bring dinner down here and the rest should find tables.”
“Ya’ll don’t have any-”
“Everything is made of clouds.” Dash said, still wrapped around Applejack’s neck. “Bringing small clouds like tables and chairs down this low will cause them to vaporize into water.”
“Oh...” Applejack said, not entirely understanding but not thinking too hard about it since she knew very little about weather and clouds and all of that type of thing. It struck her that she knew rather little considering she was going to marry Dash. Perhaps I ought to read up on that... she thought, figuring Twilight would be able to help her out.
While Dash's aunts and uncles returned to the cloud house to gather the food and drinks and other dinner fixing, Dash went with her brothers and sisters to some of the nearby houses. Knocking on doors, they each explained the situation; the family get-together, the Earth Pony dinner guest, and the spell wearing off and asked if there were any spare chairs and small tables available so they could finish their dinner on the ground.
Every pony they asked was courteous and helpful. Tables of various sizes were produced from closets and basements and even offered out of diningrooms and kitchens. The ponies did not just send them what they asked, but emerged from their homes with their families of three, four, or five to bring seats.
The food from above arrived but was not the first placed on the tables. The Vanhoovians asked to join the pegasus family for dinner and brought their own preparations out as well. Four families joined, then five, then seven. The menagerie of tables lined up down the middle of the street continued to grow as more residents saw the Hearths Warming Day communal generosity spreading.
Rainbow Dash was much more happy with dinner now that she was not surrounded by her family. On one side was Applejack, obviously, but on her other side was Caramel, a stallion from Ponyville she had not known was from Vanhoover. Apparently he lived beneath her parents’ house. Across from her was a unicorn she had never met before but who apparently had known Twilight back before Twilight had come to Ponyville.
“I’m so glad she made friends,” the unicorn was saying to Rainbow Dash, “Really! She was so buried in her books that I honestly don’t think she had any friends besides Spike.”
The dinner lasted well into the evening and the sun set long before the crowd dispersed and the tables and chairs were taken home by their respective owners. Applejack and Rainbow Dash had to leave long before that, however, as they had a train to catch to get back to Ponyville. They both said goodbye to Rainbow Dash’s parents and a few of Dash’s other relatives but did not have the time to walk around and track them all down.
The pair raced to the train station and made it onboard moments before the doors were closed. Panting and laughing, they found an empty compartment and climbed onto the same bed, stretching out and entwining as best they could together. It took a few minutes for them to contour their bodies along each other for maximum comfort.
“Dash?”
“Yeah?”
“Ah love you.”
“I love you too AJ.”
“Dash?”
“Yeah?”
“Ah love yer family.”
“Heh, I love them too.”
“But most of them ain’t too likable.”
“Told you.” Dash said. She opened her eyes and chuckled. “Hehehe! You owe me dinner.”
“Ah dangit’,” Applejack said, “Ah hoped ya wouldn’t remember.”
“Heheheh.” Rainbow Dash chuckled as the clacking of the train across the rails became almost hypnotic. “First thing when we get back to Ponyville I want to eat.”
“Ah thought we’d celebrate our engagement at yer place when we got back.” Applejack said.
“Same thing.” Rainbow answered, closing her eyes with a smile on her face.
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A wondrous ending, truly left a warm feeling in the heart.
Took you long enough... I jest, of course
That nephew of hers needs to be thwapped upside the head with AJ's hat. Other than that.. this was very cute!
Well worth the wait for that chapter.
3102883 3101528
I actually had the ending done for over a month...I just completely forgot to post it xD
Why do I enjoy reading this?
Nvm, don't tell me...
I don't think i wanna know...
3103407
I'm uncertain if this is good or bad xD?
3103711 Let's say its....
Ok, lemme explain this.
I like the story and all but...
Idk why i suddenly out of nowhere like AppleDash...
Understand now?
3105063
It means I converted you to the horde =)
3105439 Is that supposed to be a good thing?
3102945
It was a good story so I don't mind, but... seriously?!
Great story!
I hope you write MOAR Appledash!
I want to see the wedding
This was a wonderful chapter. I know it's classic and some might even call it hokey (I do so lovingly) but when the Vanhooverites came out to join - and add to - the feast, I teared up. Very nicely done!
AppleDash was a great pairing before; you made it excellent.
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
“Here’s to Hearth’s Warming Day, and that ah only ever have to see y’all again once every few years. Y’all can keep yer opinions, presents, ‘n good cheer to yerselves for the rest of it.” Your damed right about that!
Great now mather how many times you read it! Would have liked to see the Apple Family's reaction to Apple Jack geting married thou...
The Vanhoovians asked to join the pegasus family for dinner and brought their own preparations out as well
I'm getting a major Whooville feeling from this. Awesome story,
Cute. Could use another editing pass for some grammar and structure issues, but other than that it's a nice little appledash story.
How had I not heard about this one 'til now?
4159998
Cuz I'm not a famous author :)
4161219 No one here is famous.
4161250 some even less than others :p
That. Was. Horrible!
I'd love to have a family with a bit more... sense of family. Like AJ. (Yeah, I'm sorta jealous about her family...) But Dash's? I would've run as fast and far as my legs carried me! 
Though it fits AJ well that she's not only able to cope with that, but also enjoy it...
And no, I don't talk about your story. That one was actually really good, quite entertaining, funny... but Dashs family? The horror... the horror!
And her proposal was just great! As Dash said it. No fancy moonlit scenery, no skywriting, just... a proposal in the middle of a snowball-fight. Priceless!
Thank you.
5320285
Why thank you =) I'm glad you liked it <3
5320567 Not exactly the holiday fic I was looking for but a good one I like it a lot.
Hohoho!
This review is brought to you by Zero Punctuation Reviews
I’ve may have still been too nice in my last review, at least compared to the other versions of me. Might be wrong, but I need to preemptively fuck this being nice because it's better than The Last Stand lark. I need to get my mojo back, maaan, and what better way to do that than releasing yet more bile, especially after the last attempt when absolutely nowhere? None, I tell you. After all, so what if you aren’t racist? You can still quite easily be fruitcakes and loonies, and still be a terrible fall-out on the political landscape. Or, in a less politically-loaded way, a dog-egg may be smaller than a cow-pat, but it’s still a piece of shit.
So, yes, The Season’s Upon Us is a ‘romance’ story, although it probably would still fall under the dripping guise of shipfic, which scores some novelty points for focussing on an event in the ongoing relationship, rather than chronicling the beginning of it; twitterdick will probably be doing backflips as I type. In fact, to borrow a little more from m’colleague, this is probably the closest I’ve come thus far to reviewing giddyspunk; JTTCOTR may have been saccharine at times, and was certainly optimistic overall, but the relationship and the tone wobbled realistically through peaks and troughs. In TSUU? Applebucker and Bluefast are in twoo, twoo wuv wiv eech udder!
It’s Appledash, just in case you couldn’t work that out, which makes this quite aptly timed given the most recent campaign to have Death of the Author become standard operating procedure.
…
Wow, did I write that opening a while back. July 13, to be precise, in the aftermath of a time when a significant number of users decided that the effort of resisting the urge to feed the troll was not nearly as fun as watching the troll and their acolytes flail spasmodically about the on-site blogosphere, which gave me a desperately needed segue into reviewing an Xmas-themed Appledash romp. Happily, that has allowed the other main feature of this story to become far more relevant.
But back to the matter at hand: the story penned by my lord and fellow wanktank, flutterdash1. Let us make like the many potential fathers of your future half-sibling(s) and dive into this, cold, merciless pit!
Our story begins with a pleasant little introduction to both its main characters and conflict: Applejack wishes to visit Rainbow Dash’s family during the Winterval--I will continue to use that lovely little catch-all term for all these wintry festivals, fuck you, Mail--and after a little argument and bickering Bluefast agrees to it, but only reluctantly. It’s at this point that the passage of time, and a reread, has allowed me to see that my initial labelling of this story as ‘the closest I will get to subjecting me feeble eyes to the sulphuric acid of Giddyspunk’, or similar, was about as well directed as Battlefield Earth. While it’s true that the main couple goes the entire story without a big argument, there’s none of the overly-saccharine, oochie-coo tweeness that I would expect, and have previously endured while stomping on the metaphorical glowing embers in that my space where my heart used to be, from Giddyspunk. In fact, as I mentioned barely a minute ago, the first chapter largely consists of a good-old bicker between a couple at affectionate loggerheads, of the sort seen countless times in the show and which would lead to heated yet passionless exchange of fluids in less-thought-out fair.
So the characters that the readership know and appreciate from the show are kept respectably to their canon characterisation throughout the story, but that isn’t the reason why this isn’t Giddyspunk. The reason why is that this story isn’t about the relationship between AJ and RD. Yes, I’m fully aware that the core of most romantic relationships is the sharing and enjoying of the mundane and everyday with one’s companion--I hear that enough from the voices in my head that I attribute to my pillow, thank you very much--and also that ‘meeting the family’ is a staple trope of romantic comedies and dramas the world over, but still the relationship is more a feature of the story than the core of it. In fact, one subtle thing that I liked was that this story centred primarily on a lesbian couple neither contained nor implied any angst or conflict about the subject, either within the couple or from their (older) family members. It’s refreshing to see that, though it does remind me of the one moment I had respect for Fearne Cotton, so that’s some good negated.
‘But what is the story about, then?’ I hear you cry, in between threats to drill through my kneecaps if I keep stalling on my main point. Well, to me at least, it’s what I would imagine as the offspring from a broom-cupboard tryst of the National Lampoon’s series and the concept of the Great British Christmas.
I am British, in case you haven’t guessed from all my unfamiliar references, spellings and turns of phrase. I don’t know if flutterdash1 is too, but if not then consider this a result of my latent imperialist tendencies. And yes, there is the actual National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation in the corner of the room, furling and unfurling a flicknife, which The Season’s Upon Us draws obvious comparison with, but there’s a different emphasis in the comedy. There’s no scene in which Dash n’ Co. get lost and spend some time pratfalling in a frigid, mountain cave labyrinth which she decided was the best place to hide her family’s gifts, for example, and neither is there a scene in which the everymare protagonist out-one-liners their ‘superior’. In place of the physical comedy and witticisms--not that there’s anything wrong with them--there’s a lot more emphasis placed on the characters themselves and their interactions (and their failures, though that was in the original too).
So, if one were to read this story as I have, NL’s Christmas Vacation with invisible tea and crumpets, then it fits surprisingly well as a send-up and celebration of our yuletide machinations. Admittedly, there’s no pantomime, no Noddy Holder screaming ‘It’s CHRIIIIIIIIIISTMAAAAAAAS’, and no reply of ‘It’s fucking SEPTEMBER, this shit gets earlier every year!’, but there is that madcap dash to prepare for the sudden invasion of family members that the house is playing host to. There is the vast majority of said family huddled around a television set watching a sporting fixture instead of doing anything actually festive. There’s the resumption of old familial warmth and hostility in equal measure, both told mainly through the language of straight-faced sarcasm and snark. There’s a lot of fun being had by the old and the young, while the pressure and weight of it all going right sits squarely on the shoulders of the middle generation. And through it all there’s a resolve to keep buggering on with it, even when one of our nearest and not-necessarily dearest comes within moments of death…
… All of which were present in the original National Lampoon’s. In fact, it largely is National Lampoon’s without the pratfalls. Then again, there are no major bits of ‘setpiece comedy’, like the exploding tree or the Christmas lights… the comedy in the fic largely relies on dialogue between the characters... which is a main feature of British comed-- YES, I was right, after all. My patriotic fervour was not entirely misplaced! Either that, or the main difference in comedy styles between the implied/mentioned nations is in delivery and not subject matter.
Either way, in addition to the usual ‘we do love Christmas, really’ jokes, there are some jokes to be had from the cause of Dash’s mother’s overextended labia. Among the family of eleven and their entourage, my own personal highlight would be one of her older brothers and the latest in a long line of his girlfriends. Not trying to spoil, but it provides a completely unexpected little routine about what must surely exist in Equestria: (super)fans of the Elements of Harmony.
Not that my above gushing means that this story is perfect, by any means. For one things, it’s almost distractingly short: the entire thing is a reasonable fourteen thousand words, but once we take out the introductions and ancillaries and focus on the parts involving Dash’s family, the actual meat of the story, we only have around 10k. Again, this sounds like a fairly healthy length for a normal short fanfic, but most normal short fanfics don’t have a cast featuring more original characters than there are episodes of Fawlty Towers. The entirety of Dash’s extended family is named, introduced, and then stars in a brief comedy skit or witty exchange before the story races along to the next failure of a pegasus, and, like a particularly heady swinger’s party, each new face starts to blur into the last. It all rushes along far too quickly for my liking. It’s not that the characters aren’t distinct, either, though they do fit comfortably into archetypes; it’s that we simply don’t spend long enough with any of the new characters or do anything memorable enough with them to remember which name goes with which description and bit of dialogue.
Another casualty in the break-neck pace of the story is the writing. It isn’t bad, per se, but the best compliments I can give it are ‘workmanlike’ and ‘serviceable’. As with JTTCOTR, more than a year ago, it’s not especially detailed when it comes to description or scene setting, and as most of this story takes place in the one house this allows for the car-lifting strength of the dialogue to shine through. However, the strength of the dialogue is undermined somewhat by the limited descriptions of the characters leaving it very unclear precisely who said what and what that character is meant to be, snapping the knee-tendons of the strong dialogue, sending it to the ground in writhing agony and leaving it up to fate itself as to whether or not its head is crushed by the falling car.
On this occasion, though, I’m feeling generous and will say ‘not’. Yes, the story is clunky and more than a little formulaic, despite the nice little original touches I mentioned, but there’s an overall festiveness to the piece and it’s quite funny in that not-entirely cynical way. To paraphrase from Dash in this story, I do love this sort of story, even if I don’t necessarily like all of it. It’s rather like Christmas itself in that way.
Shit.
This was supposed to be my glorious return to kicking the underserved shit out of some lesser story. I need to step up my game--
Wait a minute. Dash said she had eight siblings, but we only get the names of seven of them. What happened to the last one? Are we to infer from this that there’s a secret ninth Dash child that has been hidden from public view in the attic? Or maybe that Dash’s parents secretly murdered their own child? Outrageous! I rescind my positive view at once for this story’s disgusting moral fibre.