• Published 2nd Oct 2011
  • 7,294 Views, 72 Comments

Michael Bay Presents: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic: Revenge of the Unicorn God Slayer - Cold in Gardez

He did it to Transformers. Now Michael Bay turns his genius to My Little Pony.

  • ...

Part 1: The Horn of Destiny

On June 28, 2011, Michael Bay released Transformers: Dark of the Moon, his third feature film based on the HASBRO toy line Transformers. The next day, Bay and HASBRO entered into talks over another of the toy company’s properties, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Within hours they inked a multi-million dollar deal for three films produced in Bay’s distinctive style, slated for release beginning in summer 2012.

Production details remain scarce and most people involved with the film trilogy have signed Non-Disclosure Agreements. The only concrete evidence of the new film to emerge so far is a tattered screenplay, presented here, which was found in a dumpster outside Bay’s production house, Platinum Dunes.

In the immortal words of Equestria’s awesomest pony, Rainbow Dash:

Fuck. Yes.

Michael Bay Presents

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic: Revenge of the Unicorn God Slayer:

Part 1: The Horn of Destiny

Scene 1: Ponyville

It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. The sun was shining; the birds were singing. Ponies big and small cantered throughout the town, whickering and neighing merrily as they went about their business.

Suddenly, there was a huge explosion!

“Oh my god, that was a huge explosion!” yelled Twilight Sparkle, staring in shock and horror at the massive fireball rising from the center of town. Hundreds of ponies ran screaming from the burning wreckage of the Town Hall. Some were covered in soot, and limped as they streamed past her, desperate to escape the burning hell behind them.

“Yo Twi’, you see dat shiz?” said Spike, her jive-talking baby dragon sidekick. He stood on her back, one claw wrapped in her mane while the other casually removed a set of shutter-style plastic sunglasses. You know, like the ones Kanye West is always wearing.

“‘Course she can see dat, you tink she’s blind or sumpthin’?” said Owlowicious, her other sidekick, as he dodged a piece of flaming debris that soared into the ground next to them.

“Stop arguing you two, we need to go help everypony!” the lavender unicorn said. She ran directly into the crowd, dodging the panicked ponies as they stampeded away from the still-burning wreckage of the town hall. When she arrived moments later the blasted remains of the building were still ablaze; the scorched corpses of unfortunate ponies littered the ground, and the air was filled with painful moans and cries for help.

“Nooooooooo!” she cried, falling to her knees and tossing back her head. Dark black smoke from the fires filled the air, slowly blocking out the sun.

Scene 2: Celestia’s Castle

“God dammit general, tell me what’s going on!” Princess Celestia said. She was seated at the head of a large table in her situation room, flanked by a dozen ponies in military uniforms. At the head of the room, in front of a row of projection screens displaying scenes of chaos throughout Equestria, a handsome, older-looking pegasus pony stood with a grim look on his face.

“The attacks came without warning, your majesty.” He clicked a button on a small remote, and a series of satellite photos appeared on the screens behind him.

“Ponyville was hit first, at 1332 this afternoon,” he said. On screen a black cloud hung over the center of Ponyville, obscuring most of the wreckage below. “Casualties are expected to be in the dozens.”

“Not Ponyville!” cried a pegasus seated halfway down the table. “My wife and filly live there!”

The general gave the pony a grim, pain-filled glance, then turned his gaze back to the princess. “Cloudsdale was hit next, just a few moments later,” he said. “We’re still trying to re-establish communications, but it seems...” he trailed off, looking down at the floor. “It seems they may have been... wiped out.”

Gasps filled the room. Celestia lowered her head to her hooves.

“The only evidence we have is this note, which was faxed to us shortly after the attacks,” the general continued. The screen changed, and the images of destruction were replaced by a plain sheet of typewritten paper:




There was a moment of silence as the assembled leaders read the letter, followed by quiet mutters.

“General,” said an oily looking pony bureaucrat seated next to the princess, “what does it mean?”

“We have no fucking idea.”

Scene 3: Everfree Forest

“Yo Twi, I ain’t likin’ dis,” said Spike as he sauntered alongside Twilight Sparkle and her five friends. They had just passed into the Everfree Forest, and the quiet haunting gloom of the woods filled their minds with images of horrible fates.

Suddenly, there was a huge explosion!

The ponies cast themselves to the ground, screaming and holding their hooves over their heads. When the worst of the debris finished raining down they slowly got back to their hooves and looked around in confusion.

“Did... did that tree just blow up?” Rainbow Dash asked, confused.

“Nevermind, look!” Rarity yelled, pointing with her horn toward a massive alien ship parked right outside the town that somehow no one ever noticed before. “I wonder if that has anything to do with these strange explosions?”

Tiny, alien figures crawled over the surface of the ship. They seemed to be holding large rifles, and every few seconds one would fire their gun into the surrounding woods, causing a huge explosion!

“Ah think you may be onta sumthin, Sugar,” said Applejack as she stared at the ship. “There’s sumthin’ mighty fishy ‘bout that there ship.”

“Wait, I’ve seen this before!” said Twilight, using her magic to pull a book out of her saddlebags. She flipped through it, and came to a sudden stop on a well-worn page decorated with strange drawings and schematics.

“Look, it’s just like the drawing in my book!” she said, pointing her hoof at an old pencil drawing in her book. The picture was an almost identical depiction of the alien ship in front of them.

“Wait, isn’t that kind of an odd coincidence?” said Fluttershy, softly. “You just happened to be carrying a book with--”

“There’s no time!” Twilight cut her off, slamming the book shut and stuffing it back in her saddlebags. “These aliens are obviously trying to wipe out all Ponydom so they can claim Equestria for themselves. We have to stop them!”

“Yeah!” cried Rainbow Dash. “Let’s get ‘em!”

The six ponies, plus Spike and Owlowicious, carefully snuck up to the alien ship, deftly avoiding alien patrols the whole way. As they approached the clearing with the ship its true size became apparent.

“It’s huge!” squeaked Pinkie Pie, staring up at the ship in amazement. Banks of clouds broke around the upper reaches of the vessel.

“Problem, girls!” Applejack said. “The entrance is guarded!” She was right -- on either side of the ramp leading into the ship was a pair of hideous, armored freaks. Half-flesh, half-machine, they carried massive laser rifles nearly the size of a pony. Razor-spiked helmets with all kinds of flashing lights covered their heads, and they scanned their surroundings with frightening alertness.

They dove behind a conveniently placed bush before the guards could see them. Twilight pulled them close and started sketching some diagrams in the dirt with her hoof.

“Okay, plan,” said Twilight. “Rainbow Dash, you fly around and distract them, and the rest of us will sneak into the ship.”

“Got it!” the cyan pegasus said, snapping a crisp salute. She gathered her hooves below her, and with a powerful flap of her wings leapt into the air!

She was just over 4 feet off the ground when a pair of brilliant ruby beams speared her through the chest. She crashed back to the ground, a pair of smoking holes marring her coat front and back.

“Always wanted... to see... the stars...” she gasped, and expired.

“Nooooooooo!” cried Twilight, tossing herself on her friend’s body. She sobbed quietly, then got back to her hooves.

“Okay, plan B,” she said. “Fluttershy, you fly around and distract them, and the rest of us will sneak into the--”

“Fuck you, Twilight Sparkle,” Fluttershy interrupted. “I’m going back to Ponyville.” She turned and trotted back into the woods.

“Fine!” Twilight yelled at her back. “We didn’t need you anyway!” She exhaled deeply, pressing her hooves to her temples as she thought of another brilliant plan.

“Okay, plan C,” she said. “Magic!”

She levitated a tiny pebble with her magic and tossed it off to the side with a clatter. The two guards, despite being highly trained elite soldiers with years of experience and the most effective sensor suites in the known universe, promptly abandoned their post to chase after it.

“Quickly girls!” Twilight said, and tip-toed up the ramp. The two guards were bent over the pebble, interrogating it in their odd alien language. They finally gave up and turned back to the ship a moment after Owlowicious fluttered into the open port.

Scene 4: Inside the mothership

The metal corridors were empty and dark. The floor below them was a metal grate, through which they could see massive spinning gears and glowing coils the size of houses. The walls were laced with pipes and conduits, and the only light came from a thin, glowing red strip down the center of the ceiling.

They walked for hundreds of yards through the corridor, passing branches and tunnels, until they finally came to a large port. An electronic keypad on the side of the door was the only control to be seen.

“Oh dear, it seems we’re stuck,” said Rarity, pressing her hoof to her forehead in a swoon.

“I don’t think so!” Pinkie Pie suddenly said, appearing out of nowhere in front of the keypad. She held an odd electronic device in her hooves; it appeared to be a crudely wired circuit board with a calculator keypad for an interface and a set of wires, which she plugged into the door.

“I forgot!” Twilight exclaimed. “Pinkie Pie is an expert hacker!” The girls crowded around as Pinkie deftly tapped codes into the device, beads of sweat appearing on her forehead as she raced to input the correct code.

“Aaaannndd.... done!” she shouted, as the door emitted a quiet chime and popped open. The group quickly stepped through, and found themselves in a massive chamber hundreds of feet across. At the center of the room, atop a raised dais, was a floating blue crystal that gently pulsated with an internal light.

The ponies (plus Spike and Owlowicious) cautiously drew closer, their fear giving way to awe as the crystal bathed them in its soft incandescence.

“I’ve seen this before!” Twilight said, pulling out her strange book again. She flipped to a new page, which had a picture of the very same crystal drawn in ancient pony hieroglyphs.

“This is the master control crystal!” she said. “If we destroy it, the whole ship will blow up!”

“Seriously?” said Rarity. “That seems like a terrible design flaw. Who the hell builds a ship that can be blown up just by breaking a single--”

“There’s no time!” Twilight cried, cutting her off as she slammed the book back into her saddlebags. “Applejack, buck that thing for all you’re worth!”

“Can do!” the earth pony said. She turned and was about to buck the crystal to kingdom come when a metal cage suddenly fell from the ceiling, trapping the ponies inside! Only Spike and Owlowicious, who were hanging back chatting with each other about sports and chicks, managed to escape.

All around the room ports opened, and dozens of armored aliens began pouring in. Before they could reach the cage, Twilight turned to Spike and Owlowicious, desperation on her face.

“Spike, Owlowicious!” she cried. “You two need to escape and tell the princess what we found!”

“Uh, sure thing babe!” Spike said, looking at the cage in surprise.

“I’m serious!” Twilight said. “This is the most important task I have ever given you! The fate of millions of ponies rests on your ability to carry out this exceedingly simple request!”

“Lol, whatev’,” said Owlowicious.

“Hey, let’s grab a 40 and get high or sumthin’,” said Spike, as they wandered to the entrance, stumbling out just before the aliens reached their position.

“Oh, I hope they make it!” Twilight said. The ponies cowered together, staring up at the leering aliens.

Scene 5: Celestia’s Castle

“Our forces are ready, princess.”

“Excellent, general,” Celestia said, taking her seat at the head of the table in the situation room. The screens in front of her showed the massive alien ship resting in the forest outside Ponyville. Around the ship were hundreds -- no, thousands -- of ponies, lined up in rows.

“The aliens appear to be armed with some sort of high-powered beam weapons,” said the general, taking his place at the front of the room. “Their individual troops are living horrors, a nightmarish amalgam of flesh and machine born for the sole purpose of slaughter. They are warriors, plain and simple, and to be in their presence is to be on the threshold of death. The ship itself has dozens of gigawatt-class laser banks apparently designed for interstellar combat, but which we assume can be used on the ground as well.” He paused to take a sip of water.

“Despite this,” he continued, “we believe they are weak against our advanced spear technology, which as you know consists not just of wooden shafts, but metal or stone heads laced onto the tips with rawhide. These spears are capable of puncturing the toughest pony hides, and we assume they will be equally effective against the rolled tungsten armor worn by the alien shock troops.”

“I agree,” Celestia said. “You may commence the attack.”

The general nodded and spoke into his radio. After a moment the pony lines on the screen shifted and began to slowly advance. The general increased the magnification on one of the screens, revealing dozens of ponies charging toward the alien ship with spears clenched in their mouths.

One of the laser batteries on the alien ship swiveled toward the advancing ponies, and the screens suddenly turned pure white. After several seconds the satellite eventually readjusted its gain, revealing a smoking, lava-filled pit where the ponies had just stood.

The general and princess stared at the screens for a while. Finally, the general turned back to the princess.

“Shall we ready a fifth wave, then?” he asked.

“May as well. I’m out of ideas.”

Scene 6: On the ramp just outside the alien mothership

“Yo, I’m tired, let’s take a break.”

“Naw man, Twi said we had ta git to Celestia and tell her ‘bout the crystal thing!” Owlowicious said.

“Pff, we can do that later.”

“Lol ‘k.”

Scene 7: Inside the mothership

“...and now that I have explained our evil plan to you, along with the critical weakness you can exploit, I’m afraid it’s time for me to kill you.” The alien leader laughed as he spoke, finishing a lengthy monologue to the caged ponies.

The four remaining ponies quivered in fear, huddled around each other as their souls slowly shriveled as the horror of the alien’s plan became clear to them. Twilight could only hope that Spike and Owlowicious would escape the ship and deliver her message to Princess Celestia before it was too late.

She had to stall for time! Shaking, she forced herself to her hooves, and stared up at the hideous bug-eyed monstrosity that was the alien overlord.

“You haven’t won yet!” she cried. “The forces of good always triumph over evil!”

“Oh, you haven’t figured it out?” the alien replied. “What if we’re really the good ones, and you’re evil!?”

Twilight and her friends gasped. The world around her went grey as the shocking, unbearable truth of the alien’s argument pounded at her senses! A moment later the camera suddenly tilted a few degrees, like in those psychological movies that don’t do well at the box office but the critics seem to love.

“That’s so deep!” Rarity whispered, her soul crushed by the sudden revelation.

“What a twist!” Applejack mumbled. “I never saw it coming!”

Twilight clenched her eyes shut, tears rolling down her face. She thought of her friends, of Rainbow Dash and her valiant sacrifice, of Spike and Owlowicious who were racing to their rescue, of Princess Celestia and the brave ponies outside fighting back against the aliens.

“NO!” she screamed. “You’re wrong! If there’s one thing I’ve learned about friendship, it means killing people who are different! Like you!” The others gasped as her brave words snapped them out of their stupor.

Twilight’s horn flashed, and the four suddenly teleported out of the cage! Before they could ask why she didn’t try doing that earlier, she suddenly ran up to the floating crystal and bucked it as hard as she could!

“NOOOOOOOO!” the alien overlord screamed, clutching his tentacled head with his squid-like appendages. “You’ve killed us all!” he cried, and began trashing around as the ship started to shake.

“Quick girls, we’ve got to escape!” Rarity yelled. “To the lifeboats!”

The four dodged around the stunned aliens, all of whom had collapsed to the ground the moment Twilight kicked the crystal. Dark cracks were appearing on its glowing faces, and the ship began to shake violently beneath them.

At the end of the corridor they conveniently ran into a lifeboat. They quickly poured inside, only to gasp in horror when they saw the terrible choice awaiting them.

The lifeboat only had three seats!

“You go on without me,” Rarity said, stepping back outside the lifeboat. “It’s the generous thing to do!”

“Thanks!” Twilight yelled, slamming the door shut and buckling herself in, Applejack and Pinkie Pie quickly taking the other two seats. After a moment there was a muffled banging on the door.

“I changed my mind!” they could hear Rarity yell. “I’ll sit on the floor! I’ll sit on Applejack’s lap if that’s okay with--”

“There’s no time!” Twilight interrupted, quickly going through the launch checklist. She deftly flipped switches and toggles despite having never operated anything more mechanically advanced than a pair of scissors, much less in an alien language. Once everyone was buckled in she punched the throttles to maximum, and the lifeboat blasted away from the doomed ship.

Behind them the alien vessel shuddered one final time, and everything went white.

Scene 8: Celestia’s Castle

“My favorite student, I’m so happy you managed to destroy the aliens and save all of Equestria.”

“Thank you your majesty. I only wish we had been able to save Rainbow Dash or Rarity.”

The two solemnly gazed at the portraits of Rarity and Rainbow Dash set beside Celestia’s throne, like in that final scene from Armageddon. They both looked so happy, so alive.

“So did you learn anything about friendship?” Celestia asked.

“I think I did, princess. Friendship means going to war with people who are different from you. I also learned that violence isn’t just the right answer, it’s the easiest and most satisfying answer as well.”

“I’m so proud of you, Twilight.”

“I’m just glad to be alive... but I wonder...” she trailed off.

“What? What is it?”

“Well, when we destroyed those aliens, I got the terrible feeling that there might be more of them out there, waiting to visit us again...”


“Yes, I’m afraid. Perhaps two more movies worth.”

Celestia shuddered. “I’m not sure we can survive that.”

“We have no choice, princess. We have no choice.”


Roll Credits