A Rainbow for a Twilight
Chapter 2 - ...have the same dream...
The next morning Rainbow Blitz woke up really early, at least to his standards. After all he was a pegasus with a mission. Getting advantage that today was scheduled to be sunny, therefor he didn’t have to work, he prepared himself for the big task of the day. Asking Twilight out.
Deciding he should look his best, he took a shower, he combed his mane, or at least he tried to, and took a light breakfast.
At that moment, he couldn’t stop his mind from wandering into the dream of last night.
“That sure was a weird dream” he thought while biting his apple, “Maybe I should ask Twilight about it if everything goes well”.
Once he was well fed and properly groomed, he went to the door, opened it, and with all the confidence in the world, he took off into the sky, aimed for the hollowed tree turned library.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once Rainbow Blitz was in the door of the library, he checked himself over, and seeing that the wind hadn't trashed his mane too much, he raised his hoof to knock on the door, but he suddenly stopped and turned over.
“Wait a minute.” he thought, “What am I going to say when she appears through the door?”.
Hey Twilight, I may have a crush on you, wanna go out in a date?
“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.” He said aloud.
“What’s not gonna happen Rainbow?” Asked a familiar voice from behind.
Rainbow recognized that voice in an instant, it’s owner being the source of the predicament that he was now in. He turned around and found himself right in front of a lavender muzzle. “Of course” He thought.
“Hey Twilight, I... em... came... to thank you for the book... Yeah, thank you.”
“Oh, well. You are welcome, though I really don’t know why you didn’t came to see me first if you wanted to finish that book. You know, me living in a library and all.”
“Hehe. Yeah, my bad.” Rainbow said, trying to end the conversation quickly. “Well that’s it, now I gotta go, to.. em.. do some stuff. See you later”
With that Rainbow took off. “That was awkward. I think I should ask the boys about it” He thought “Butterscotch is out of the question being so shy and all, I’m pretty sure Pinky was the one to take the initiative. That leaves Applejack... Well he’s with Rarity so he must know of these things. The only problem it’s that he won’t let me be if I ask him for advice. What should I do?”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Applejack woke up that morning like every other morning, he followed his morning routine and went outside to tend his apples. Yep, it was a really normal morning.
At least until a rainbow blur flew right into him.
“Rainbow Blitz! What the hay do you think you’re doing!” yelled Applejak.
“Applejack! I need your help!”
“What happened Rainbow?” Applejack asked in a concerned tone, feeling his anger subside.
“I woke up and went to Twilight but I stopped and she appeared and I said thank you and she said you’re welcome and I said gotta go! And I don’t know what to do!”
“Hey, hold your horses there. Now calm down and explain it again, slower this time.”
Rainbow explained to Applejack how last night he discovered he may have a crush on Twilight and the events that occurred that morning at the library.
“Well, what can I help you with?” Applejack asked.
“Wait, that’s it? No mockin for having this feelings?” Rainbow said.
“Why should I?”
“Well, I don’t know. Maybe because I’m THE Rainbow Blitz and I’m awesome and that, and I’m being all mushy and stuff.”
“Rainbow, come here” Rainbow went closer and Applejack wrapped a foreleg around him, “Love doesn’t change a pony, you silly colt. Look at me, do I look different to you?”
“Geez Applejack, if you put it that way.”
“See, there’s nothing wrong with showing a little emotion now and then. Now, how can I help you?”
“I have no idea how to ask Twilight out.” Rainbow simply said.
“Well Rainbow, since the only experience that I have is with Rares, the only thing I can say is to be yourself.”
“That’s it? That’s the only thing you can say?”
“Yup, that’s it. Easy, isn’t it? Now get out there and ask her out.”
“But what if she says no?”
“Well, if she says no, it’ll be awkward, but you’ll still be friends. And don’t forget that the others and I will be there for you.”
“Yeah, you’re right. That’s what I’ll do, I’ll go and ask her right away. Thanks AJ.”
“You’re welcome. Now go, you lovebird.”
Rainbow was already hovering when he heard from behind.
“Oh, and Rainbow.” Applejack started in a mocking voice “A Rainbow and a Twilight sitting in a tree...”
Rainbow didn’t heard the rest as he was already pretty far away.
Wow so he has a thing for his co-workers now?
Should be later.
Should be these.
Both of those should just be written as "is".
Try and look out for mistakes such as these. They aren't to major but can still be distracting.
whoa wait hold whoa hang on whoa wait what. Alright, may just be me, but you REALLY shoulda' established WHO was rule 63'd in this universe beforehand. That may just be me, but all of the sudden I hear "Butterscotch" and go "who?" and then you say shy and I go "oh... wait what?" and it's just.... yeeaaaahh. Aside from the male/female confusion, not bad. Still a few errors dotted about, but generally nothing distracting from the actual story. Still need to slow it down a bit, since in the ~800 words of this chapter you covered ~2000 words worth of information and description. Take your time, describe the scene, the actions, the feelings, the thoughts, everything. the dialogue feels relatively natural, it's just the descriptions you need to work on, and maybe a little bit of setting the scene. For example, what was AJ's normal mourning routine? You said she... he, still need to get used to that.... You said he was out picking apples when Rainbow got there, but what exactly was he doing? Was he walking to the next tree? in the middle of bucking a tree? setting up the buckets under the tree? How was the weather? what did the orchard look like in the morning? How high was the sun? Stuff like that, minute details that helps the reader immerse themselves into the world you created. There should be very little left up to our imaginations.
Set the scene, describe the scene, then have the ACTUAL scene take place in the area you have taken time to explain and set up.
Hope this helps at least a little, looking forward to more.
2983723
I'll be more careful with the description then, thank you for the advise.
Regarding the rule 63 psicodelia, well let's just say that I have a really ambitious project.
At least I'll add an author note stating the actual state of the mane 6. I wanted to do that from the beginning but it was really late and it kind of slipped of my mind.
2983601
Already fixed.
Thank you for pointing those out and for the advice. Sorry for not noticing your comment earlier, I just didn't see it.
On a different note, your comment about the co-workers was hilarious.
Okay, again just little things are misspelled, said the wrong way, and other stuff, and I'm not trying to be mean, but have you grabbed an inexperienced proofreader? Or was this just done and published?
If your still on your search, i'm available. I can clean all this up for you, this is a very neat story! And i'd love to proofread this for you.
But anyways, your pacing is a bit...too fast. Other than that, I see nothing wrong with it.
~theviciouskiller