Chapter 4
Unexpected Results
Written By: Twilightsmlp
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the one and only Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
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As you and Cadence leave the gate of the castle you turn to see what the exterior looks like. It reminds you of something right out of a Disney movie. The size of the castle is incomparable to anything man made you can think of.
“Wow!” You say aloud.
“Do your people not have castles?” Cadence asks.
“We used to, but not anymore and I don’t think any of the castles my people made are as big as this one.” You answer.
“If your rulers don’t live in castles where do they live?” She asks.
“Well in my country our President lives in a mansion called the White House, but in other countries their leaders just live in big houses sometimes mansions. It all depends on the wealth of the country really.” You answer.
“Yes, well we should be off.” She says.
“Where would be a good place for a date? I don’t really know anything about this place yet.” Cadence chuckles as you say this.
“I’d be worried if you did, after all you've only been here for three days.” She says.
This got you thinking. ‘Wow it’s really only been three days and here I am going on a date with one of the nation’s rulers and the others are buying for my affection as well. How am I taking this so well? I should be hiding or crying or something, but I’m not. Am I just pretending that these ponies are humans to keep my sanity? Well best not worry about it now.’ Cadence interrupts your thoughts by tapping you on the shoulder.
“Come on I know the perfect place!” She says excitedly.
As you walk through the city you can’t help but think that these ponies are behind on the times because their capital city looks like a city from Skyrim or something. You then realize that they probably have no need for technology with their ability to use magic. This brings a question to your mind.
“Hey Cadence, how do you guys travel long distances if you’re not a Pegasus or unicorn?” You ask.
“Well most Earth Ponies either take the train or use a Teleportation Station if they can afford it.” She answers.
“I see.” You respond.
You look around at some of the locals. They are all some pastel color and surprisingly most of them seem to be women. They all are looking at you with a mix of fear or curiosity, but most are respectful choose to leave you alone. After bowing to Cadence of course. Which you chuckle at.
“I wonder how they would react if they found out that you and the others are trying to marry me.” You whisper in Cadence’s ear. At which she blushes.
“I’m sure they wouldn't question their ruler’s choice of mate, but the tabloids would have a field day with you.” She Whispers back.
‘Oh you clever girl!’
After about a half an hour of walking and weird looks later you and Cadence reach a restaurant by the name of Rose d'amour using your limited knowledge of French you translate it to The Rose of Love, very Fitting for the Goddess of love.
“The Rose of Love? Little forward aren't we Cadence.” You say with a playful nudge.
“You can read Prench?” She asks.
“I have no idea what ‘Prench’ is, but I do speak a little French.” You answer.
“So not only do we speak the same language, but some of our language from other countries are the same as well!” She says.
“To be honest I thought the only reason we could understand each other was because of your spell, but I guess not.” You respond slightly shocked at the cultural similarities.
“shall we go inside?” she asks.
“This place looks really high end, don’t we need some kind of reservation?” You ask.
“Mike I’m a princess.” She responds dryly.
“Right, let’s go then.” You say.
As you enter the restaurant you’re greeted by a waiter wearing what looks to be a butlers suit.
“Name?” He says without even opening his eyes. Cadence coughs causing him to open his eyes. He starts to panic. “My apologies your highness, right this way.”
You and cadence are lead to a table right next to a window. The setup is so sappy you almost laugh. The chairs have heart shaped seats and there is a huge candle and bouquet right in the center of the table. You and Cadence take your seats.
The waiter than says. “And what can I get you to drink?”
Cadence responds “We’ll take a bottle of Champaign please.”
The waiter bows and walks off.
“So tell me about yourself.” Cadence says.
“Well I grew up in a small town in California, That’s a state in the country I lived in. During High School a friend of mine asked me to go rock climbing with him, so I did. We went to this little cliff right out of town and just climbed after which we camped out on the top of the cliff. I loved that experience so much that I made it my profession.” You answer.
“And what of family?” She asks.
“Well my mother died when I was born and my father died about 5 years ago.” You respond.
“I’m so sorry. I should not have brought up such a sad topic.” She says.
“No its fine my father lived a full and happy life, but enough about me tell me about your family.” You say.
“Well my story is a little strange my father was royalty by blood, but my mother was not she was a Prench waitress. They meet in Prance in the restaurant she was working at and it was love at first sight I guess, but my father’s family was not very excepting of my mother that is except Celestia. My father Asked Celestia if they could get married and she gave them her blessing. Shortly after they got married and had me.” She says.
“How romantic.” You respond.
“I cannot tell if you’re joking or serious.” She says while laughing.
“Tis all part of my plan my dear.” You say in a fake British accent.
You are interrupted by the arrival of the waiter with the Champaign. “And what can I get you to eat this evening?” He says.
You then realize that you haven’t even looked at the menu yet. “Just a moment please.” You say.
As you look over the menu you realize that there is nothing with meat. You decided to ask the waiter. ”Excuse me, but do you serve anything with meat in it?” You immediately regret your decision when you see both the waiter and Cadence’s face turn pale.
“YOU EAT MEAT!” Cadence yells.
“Yes I eat meant, but I also eat vegetables and fruits.” You say defensively
The waiter seems to regain his composure. “Yes let me bring you a Griffon menu.” He says after which he practically runs off.
Cadence seems to finally calm down so you say “I’m guessing ponies don’t eat meat.”
“No we do not and it wasn't until about 300 years ago that we allowed restaurants to serve it.” She says.
“I’m sorry if I’d known that I wouldn't have even brought it up.” You say
.
“No its fine, really.” She says smiling at you.
The waiter returns with the other menu. Looking it over you decided to just have chicken alfredo in hopes that the white
sauce would hide the meat from cadence.
After giving the waiter your orders you and Cadence resume idle small talk until the food arrives. You and Cadence begin eating. She is eating very properly while you on the other hand are eating like you haven’t eaten in 3 days. Needless to say it was not pretty.
After you finish your meal Cadence looks up at you and starts laughing hysterically. She stands up and walks over to your seat she then holds up a napkin. “You might want you use this.” Felling embarrassed you blush and lightly chuckle.
You and Cadence pay the waiter and leave into the cool night. She turns to you and says. “I had a really good time tonight. It was refreshing to say the least.”
“And what is that supposed to mean?” You say in mock hurt.
“Oh nothing, just that you have to be the most messy eater I have ever met.” She says with a chuckle.
“Hey I was hungry!” You say defensively.
You and Cadence walk back to the castle.
“Would the gentlecolt care to escort the mare to her room?” She asks.
“I will walk you to your room, but I’m not going in.” You respond.
You and Cadence walk through the castle to her room.
“I really did have a great time Mike. Are you sure you don’t want to come in?” She says while blushing.
Not wanting to go to fast you just kiss her on the cheek and say. “I know Cadence and I had a great time as well, but the last thing I want is to go to fast I've had enough of that lately.” You say with a chuckle which she duplicates.
“Very well have a good night Mike I’ll see you tomorrow.” She says while kissing you on the cheek.
You then start to walk back to your room until you realize that you had no idea how to get there from Cadence’s room.
“Damn I’m lost” You say aloud.
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Ahhh the joys of idiocy, Mike why you so dumb!
2855563
Fixed.
Well, still many of the same problems as before - wrong word usage (excepting when you meant accepting, as an example), absence of true immersion, a bit too much dictation and info dump (I doubt anyone would open up to complete strangers that fast, whatever the situation) - but overall, a good story so far. However, I would highly recommend getting a good pre-reader.
If you want to fix it, and also can't wait for the next chapter
and we see a another example of people getting los because they the castle to
DAMN BIG 
2855885
Fixed.
The one problem I have with this story is a lack of immersion.
"I" was not born in California, "I" am not a citizen of the united states...
I'm sorry for being so picky, but this story is a third-person vibe in a second-person format.
I'm not going to tell you how to write your story, but I find it hard to focus when there is conflict in how the story is written.
But so I don't appear like a prudish ass, this story idea is unique, original, and amusing, and unlike some other stories, I'm not surprised this was one of the most popular stories on the site a few weeks back.
Keep up the good work.
They may want to give him a map for future trips through the castle.
imgace.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/buy-an-iphone5-they-said.-comes-with-a-map-they-said.-lost..jpg
lost,he is! (as you people can tell,i like yoda.)
Why do I feel as though this is every bronies dream??????? I mean come on Candence imprinting on him. Saying he loves the night and the stars, pretty much guaranteeing Luna and Twilight's love. I don't even know what to expect from Celestia, rough sex perhaps???????
I also have a feeling any and all bedroom scenes are pretty much going to rock the ground so hard that tarturus itself will split open from sheer force. Imagine that amount of power x4 if you consider fivesomes.
Let me rephrase that last sentence. Tarturus would be gone from that amount of force, friction,and heat. (kinky I know)
Also if Mike is good at sex and they do end up having fivesomes then that room would be absolutey flooded. (MY GOD I AM ON A KINKY STREAK TONIGHT)
Okay twilightsmlp you sir have earned yourself a favorite, I am to be expecting many things from you so you better be damn good at writing because this cannon is about to explode with excitement.
Your writing just leaves me hungry for moar. (+ 5,000 to kinkiness_#Heatbringer#Gold Acquired#Bronies forever)
This is Da Bass Cannon sighning off until the next chapter.
P.s: TO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS STORY DROP A LIKE FOR twilightsmlp HE/SHE SEEMS AS THOUGH HE/SHE IS AN AMAZING WRITER. AND IF YOU DO NOT DROP A LIKE FOR THIS STUNNING INDIVIDUAL THEN I HOPE CELESTIA DAMNS YOUR SOUL TO TARTURUS. I WANT TO SEE MORE CHAPTERS PEOPLE. SO DONT OFFSET THE AUTHORS FEELINGS WITH SOME STUPID COMPLAINT ABOUT SPELLING OR GRAMMAR. THIS STORY SEEMS REALLY AWESOME SO FAR AND I SWEAR IF ANY OF YOU PEOPLE RUIN IT FOR ME THEN I WILL PERSONALLY COME TO YOUR HOUSE,CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF AND FEED IT TO CERBERUS!!!!!!!
RANT OVER. HAVE A WONDERFUL NIGHT EVERYONE
-Da Bass Cannon
xx steps off soap box xx Sorry about that guys and gals Its just that well when I see a really good story I get really passionate and get overwhelmed by the idiots who don't recognize a good Celestia damned story. So this time I will politley ask that you drop a like for this astonishing author, favorite if you see fit. I would also greatly recommend tracking it. There is just not enough actually good anthro stories out there and this one just seems abolutley god damn excellent. I just don't want to see another story's popularity fire die down like I have seen so many do so. I just really hope all you people see these comments from me and at least see were I'm cumming from. (I had to add a kinky pun just to break the ice a little) I know the author probably won't see this but he/she does, then I say to you please continue this story. Don't let it die brony.
-Da Bass Cannon
This story has enormous amounts of potential. It needs to be a little less rushed and more scenery descriptions, as well as the descriptions on the charters emotional status would be an improvement
I'm loving the plot though, aside from spelling and grammatical errors here and there it is truly an excellent story.
2856615 O_O like and fav dropped, ha just noticed it one SIXTYNINE (kinky joke, sorta)
2856845 yeah you better like and fave drop or else i will get all the princesses to have sex with you and you will burn up from the sheer force
But thanks for doing what I asked you sir are a good man/woman
2856889 so much force and friction it rips a whole in the nipple of the universe causing a massive explosion. Then, everyone had sex cause its the End after all
2856615
Thanks.
Well that escalated quickly.
Ignoring the "Like and Fave drop" comments, I'm going to do so anyway...L+F!
*sigh* Okay, so I'm going to start a lil flamestorm here...
1.Punctuation. There is something called "question mark". It's used when your sentence is a question, you need to put those on the end of sentence. Here, have some : ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Nigga, u srs? If you're posting your story and expect it to be met with positive response, at least make it readable in a minimal degree...
2. I feel like it's a little bit too rushed... I mean, that escalated quickly... The dialogues are much too short in my opinion. Also, again this "my parents die but its k since they were good" scheme... It's overused. It really is.
Now I'm not saying this story is bad. I'm liking the idea but... please. The previous chapters were good, while this is... enough at best. Don't ruin this.
Why does everyone always respond to my angry comments?
2858356 Dude did you not read my rant of like six comments??? It's not that bad with punctuation and the rushing is not that bad. Every story is going to have errors and if you just except it then maybe people like me who hate complete assholes who say that there are some spelling mistakes and then say, and I quote: "Nigga, u srs" I absolutely hate hypocrites, they are just giant pricks that think there opinion matters.
To everyone who reads this and agrees with me I say thank you. Tender Ninja to you I say Fuck you.
-Da Bass Cannon
To capitalize upon my previous statement I really hope what my angry comment says happens to you Tender Ninja. There going to have to glue you back together IN HELL.
2856983 Can I just say that you Flaming Reign are an awesome person. You responded quite well to my angry comments. For that I leave you with and honorary mustache for being just that awesome.
2857866 Damn right you did.
2858780
Hey, I found some people that actually give a fuck about your comment :
kaliningrad.blox.pl/resource/07122305.jpg
Plus, criticizing is allowed, ain't it?
2858890 Of course it is i just did not like the way you worded it. And come on I'm sure a lot of people can agree that you were being a little bit deuschy.
2859116
I agree that my words might have sounded a lil too much douchy, but I can assure you, I didn't mean to straight hate the author or the story. I just wanted to point out what's not good here.
2859126 Very sorry for my outburst man. I was just tired and had to take out my anger on something and well.......... You were the closest thing to a threat at that point. Again very sorry.
Brohoof???
2859133
/)
Okay so I reread this and I saw that Celestia's favorite things are eating bananas and doing adult things? One of my predictions may come true. 0_0
Ok. Now that I have caught up, (for those who are confused read my comment on chapter one) you do need an editor or pre-publish reader. Putting a new chapter up unedited with more than a few errors in it makes it look a little sloppy. Just warning you, it's something to be careful about. A recurring error that you have is when you mean marrying you say marring. One means to get married to something while the other means to dent or otherwise blemish something (I have a large vocabulary). I am just trying to help.
Personally, I write about 1 chapter every 2 days, but each chapter is about 1000 words so setting a pace for me to write is also setting a pace for the story. The first problem that I had was rushing and I got a fair few comments about it. (come to think about it, mine could slightly be considered a harem, but only barely) Anyway you have an angry fanboy commenter (no offence meant Da Bass Cannon) and that should tell you that your story is reasonable - good. Be careful though. A date per chapter could make problems for your character and audience. Also, cool his head. He has outbursts way too easily, especially for someone who climbs mountains.
Do you know the fantasy writer David Eddings? One of his books was called the Mrin Codex and was like an encyclopedia about the universe that he created for one of his series. It also outlines characters and the rules surrounding magic and sorcery. I recommend doing the same sort of thing for your characters before you write a new chapter.
Some suggestions for the story plot wise. Luna would be the one to find Ben when he got lost (She does rule the night after all and keeps an eternal vigil). She would probably take him up to her balcony where she keeps watch (as shown in the show) with her telescope. Twilight would probably be there too (she is in charge of the stars after all [although, as you are putting Equis in the same universe as Earth that is a bit risky] and would also stay up at night) and she and Luna will probably talk with your character.
Bear in mind these are just suggestions, An outline of what I would probably end up writing in your situation. It's your story and you don't need me to tell you what to write. Plot-wise, you are doing fine and so are the princesses (couldn't resist, hope you caught it), but you do need to work out things like the full text of the law that is causing all of this. Right now, it doesn't look like it could overthrow the princesses and that is a problem. This isn't my story, but I hope you take a couple of my suggestions. It is a good plot that you are working with, but you need a little background to work from.
2859474
This had to be the most insightful comment I've read yet. Thanks I'll try to see any errors before publishing next time, but I'm currently in the process of finding and Editor/Proofreader and when i do it should help a lot. And as for the law I plan on getting into greater detail later after the date arc. Also I fixed those lines.
2859126
Bro your comments help more than hurt thank you.
2859133
You go hard!
2858797 hey it my have cause the end of the world but at least everyone for laid hahah xD. Btw you should like go to troll fics and defend how good they are. It would bricking funny. Also I'm the the author but if I was 100 likes would be enough for me to finish a story idk
2859768
No problem. As someone writing their own first fic, I know most of the problems you've been having. Figured it would be the least I could do to help.
2859849
It sounds like a compliment. So, thank you.
2859474 idk but based on the incredibly well written advice you've given. I might go look at your stories. Haha (it's meant to be a complement even if it came off as criticism)
I like it. I want more. MOAR!
Liked and faved. Nuff said ._.
You might want to work on your English a bit, mate. It's a bit difficult to read your story.
well i like how the story is going at a nice pace but all i'm saying there better be some smut.
I loved it all so much it was awesome and I can't wait to see what happens next on the next date.it was sweet and it is always funny when they find out that where omnivores
Did flurry just never happen?