• Member Since 28th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Feb 29th, 2012

Fluttershys at my house :)


Rainbow Dash, Equestrias most Reckless pony.
Rainbow Dash has been Training Hard for The WonderBolts and not being her usual Reckless self, But when she joins The WonderBolts she does not need to Train anymore, So Rainbow Dash thinks she can do What ever the Hell she wants! Now Rainbow makes huge Mistakes and now Rainbow has to take on new Responsibility's......

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 7 )

This story could use some work. A common thing with some writers I've noticed on this site is that they don't pay much attention to detail. Detail is key when writing fanfiction for it adds length, it adds creative style, and it just makes the story sound professional. You can try adding more of Rainbow's (or any other character's) thoughts, feelings, and emotions when you're writing. Be sure to also separate different scenes by using paragraphs or signal that you're moving on. It drives reader's crazy when writers don't do that. Also, in that last massive paragraph, there is a lot of unneeded information in there. I know I might sound like a hypocrite when saying add detail and information on the scene, but there is a point where stuff gets weird and just plain ol' stupid (except for those last three major sentences which are very important to the story). Also, comma's are much needed. I know how annoying they can get but they are there for a reason. Even though the text messaging scene was creative by using two different colors, it's not something you would find in a professional piece. However for a fanfiction site like this, that was a good move :ajsmug:
And also the casual spelling, capitalization, and grammar mistakes are a problem that can be easily fixed.

All I'm going to say is this has potential of being a good story, it just needs to show more effort into it, even if it takes you a few weeks to achieve it. In fact, I think you can pull it off :pinkiehappy:

227734 Dude, excellent comment. It sums up almost everything I could even say about this.

227734 I didn't exactly put much effort into this one.:ajbemused:
The first Chapters are never interesting and i want it over and done with :applejackunsure:
I like doing the Color thing because it is annoying writing Twilight typed then Rainbow replied by typing it gets annoying i prefer it with the color
It makes it easier to read i will do much better in the other chapters

It's always nice to see a writer take constructive critism and not over react . That show's good maturity in you, and it will help you when you write in the future.


Ok If you did not put any effort into this, The why in Equestria would you post it?

228442 i did not put much
its still not finished but the next chapters will get better

Ooh! Wonder who's the father? PLS UPDATE MORE! do you now when you are going to update again?

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