A Bushel of Apples

by dramatic_spoon

Human after all

Townsville

The door opened and a young woman dressed in a T-shirt and jeans with green hair streaked with white entered, carrying a grocery bag. Following her, a tanned, brawny man with a scruffy beard, dressed in a red flannel shirt and jeans entered, pausing for a moment to wipe his shoes off. He frowned at the amount of dirt, both on and off the shoe.

“Um…Lyra, can I just take these off an’ leav’m here? I don’t want ta track dirt in…” the man called out.

“Just leave take them off and leave them by the door, James.”

The man, James, untied both boots and left them on the side. He turned around, looking out the door.

“Alright then, you all behave.”

With that, a group of eight year olds, mostly girls, shuffled into the house, quickly wiping their shoes on the welcome mat.

“Lyra, I’m gonna leave them in the livin’ room, is that alright?”

“That’s fine, James.”

“Alright kids, you all behave, got it?” James instructed the children who nodded in acknowledgement, “Alright good.”

James left the kids and entered the kitchen, where the woman, Lyra continued to make coffee.

“Daddy…” a young girl’s voice caught James’ attention. He looked behind him, where a dark-skinned eight year old girl with blue-black hair and a single orange streak running through it looked back up at him.

“What’s wrong, Sparks?” James crouched down.

“Everyone’s hungry.” The girl, Sparks, responded.

“Didn’t Miss Diana give you all a snack?”

“Maddy ate them all,” Sparks pouted.

“Lyra, I hate ta be a bother…” James sighed.

“Cupboard by the sink.” Lyra responded not even looking away from her work.

“Thanks.”

James opened the cupboard, and took out two packages of cookies. He handed them to Sparks.

“No fightin’ and you all share. Don’t make a mess either, got it?”

“Alright Dad. Can we watch TV too?” the girl asked.

“…Lyra?”

“Fine. Just not too loud, and don’t fight over it.” Lyra sighed as she placed two cups of coffee on the table.

“Thank you Miss Mandolini.” Sparks turned around and went back to the living room. The girl was greeted by the sound of cheers, ripped cellophane and noise chewing. Lyra frowned as James took a seat across from her.

“They better not make a big mess,” Lyra sighed, “Alright James, start talking.”

James took a sip of his coffee and sighed.

“Well, It started after our date. I got home, and before I get inside, Jackie comes outta the house, buzzed, and start’s yellin’ and hollerin’ at me.
Next thing I know she hauls me in the house, and I see Granny spinnin’ a tale in front of Sparks, Melody an’ Tabby. Then Sarah came in, only for Maddy an’ Scarlet ta tackle her to the floor.”

“…” Lyra took a sip of Coffee, “James, Who the hell are they?”

“…That’s where things get weird. Sparks claimed her mother’s Sari, Melody said her mom’s Emile, Tabby’s mom is suppose to be Juliet, Maddy’s mom is Diane, and Scarlet’s mom is Blythe.” James counted off his fingers as he listed their names.

“Who’s Blythe?”

“Dash is Blythe.”

“Dash’s real name is Blythe?” Lyra frowned.

“What kinda parents would name their kid Dash?” James countered.

“…Point taken.”

The Living Room

“I get the last one!” a Pink haired girl in a pink dress called out as she reached for the last cookie.
As she grabbed it, another hand snagged it. A Rainbow haired girl with goggles around her neck, multiple bandages on her legs and arms and dressed in shorts and a T-shirt glared at the Pink haired girl.

“I called it first, Scarlet.” The Pink haired girl noted.

“You ate all the cupcakes, Maddy.” The rainbow haired girl, Scarlet, countered.

The two continued to argue as Sparks tried to calm them down. While they were distracted, a Blonde haired asian girl in a custom designed white dress took the last cookie. She broke it in two and gave the other half to a pink haired girl in an over sized, bunny covered sweater.

“Shhh.” The Blonde motioned to be quiet.

“Thank you.” The sweater girl thanked her.

---

“….Alright so they all showed up claiming to be your kids,” Lyra paused, “Why did you believe them?”

“….Well, it’s not something that most people would lie about. Especially given who they’re talking about,” James paused, “But…It’s… I don’t know how to describe it. Intuition, I guess.”

“Alright, that’s five of them,” Lyra took a sip of coffee, “What about the others?”

“Well, the five of them got into a bit of a food fight, so I gave’m a bath, and put them in the guest room. Didn’t work, they woke up and crawled into my bed,” James shook his head, “Next thing I know, someone landed on my stomach. I thought it was one of them, but it was A.C.”

“Acey?”

“No, A.C.” James vacantly waved the thought away, “She’s Cheryl’s daughter, and she got some ridiculously long name….Anastasia Cry-something.”

“Wait, Cheryl Lee?” Lyra frowned.

“Yeah,” James shrugged, “She’s apparently related to that stunt Sarah, Isabella and Louise tried to pull on Valentine’s Day.”

“…the one where they gave you a love potion?”

“Eeyup. Anyway, it wasn’t just her. So anyway, I woke up, and then three more kids came in.”

“So we’re at what, nine now?” Lyra frowned, “Who’re they?”

“Well, Like I said, A.C.’s Cheryl’s kid. Jeanette’s Stacy’s kid,” James rolled his eyes, “That made Jackie go off like firecracker again.”

Lyra rolled her eyes, “One of these days your sister is going to have to realize that Stacy isn’t trying to put her out of business.”

“Then there was Ginger. She’s Fiona Mitchell’s daughter.” James paused.

“Who?”

“Y’know the Wonderbolts? She’s Spitfire. The captain.”

“…So let me get this straight,” Lyra paused, “You’re telling me you had a kid with the captain of the nation’s greatest stunt flying team.”

“…Apparently. But her story doesn’t add up. She said Jackie lives in Manhattan with my Aunt Orange.” James shrugged, “Don’t make sense to lie like that, so I’m not sure what’s going on there.”

“…Continue.”

“And then there’s Theo.” James sighed, “He said his mother’s Patrica Twombly.”
James paused as Lyra gave him a confused look, “The Great and Powerful Trixie?”

“You mean that traveling showgirl that came here last year? And let a giant bear rampage through town?” Lyra grumbled, “You had a kid with her?”

“Apparently.”

---

“Give me the remote!” a silver haired boy yelled at Scarlet.

“No way, you dick,” Scarlet stuck her tongue out at him, “We’re not watching Adventure Time, We’re gonna watch Teen Titans.”

“I don’t like that show,” an orange haired girl dressed in overalls mumbled.

“I don’t either.” An asian girl with rose-gray hair nodded.

“…Fine!” Scarlet tossed the remote to the side, “Let someone else choose.”

The silver haired boy, and Maddy dived for it, only for a girl with ginger hair to snag it.

“…Dad and Miss Lyra said not to fight over it.”

---

“So after I got Tabby and Maddy back from Juliet’s and Diane’s we went to the library to talk ta Sari. We got there, and there was Carson and Max.”

“…and their mothers are…” Lyra motioned for James to continue.

“Carson’s Dorthy’s son. So I guess that makes Kelly his half sister, but that ain’t the point. Max is…” James trailed off.
“Hell, you ain’t gonna believe me.”

“James, you’re sitting in my kitchen, drinking coffee, while what, a dozen kids, all of whom claim to be your kids are sitting in my living room fighting over what the want to watch on TV.” Lyra slammed her empty mug down, “Try me.”

“…Princess Selena.” James blushed.

“…You’re right, I don’t believe you.” Lyra shook her head as she went to get more coffee, “I wonder if we still have Vodka, I think I’m going to need it.”

---

“WE SHALL WATCH STORAGE WARS AND WE SHALL LIKE IT!” a pale skinned, gamboge haired boy in custom designed clothing yelled at the group.

“That’s stupid!” Scarlet and Theo, the silver haired boy, yelled back.

“…I thought we were suppose to behave.” The ginger girl, Ginger, rolled her eyes.

“It’s Max, Scarlet, Maddy and Theo fighting, none of them will,” Sparks shook her head.

“Wait, who has the remote?” another boy with dirty blonde hair asked the others.

----

“…You are fucking kidding me, James.” Lyra stared at him in disgust.

“Lyra, I’m honestly just as disturbed as you are,” James shook his head.

“You really mean there’s a version of you that fucked Juliet’s sister and had a kid.”

“…Apparently, but Lyra, please don’t talk like that in front of Jamie like that, alright?”

“…James I don’t swear in front of fucking children,” Lyra responded as she fished out a cigarette and lit it, “Even if I fucking want to.”

James frowned, “I thought you were giving up.”

“I was, but after you said that there’s a version of you who’s a goddamn pedophile, I think I can break that promise.” Lyra inhaled and blew the smoke away from James, calming down as she did.
“Alright James, so that’s it?”

“After I explained what was going on to everyone, we were heading back home, and then I ran into you, and…” James shrugged.

---

“I got it!” a younger girl with mulberry hair held up the remote, “and We’re gonna watch this!”

She pressed the on button and the TV flickered to life. She quickly changed the channel, and increased the volume.

My Little Pony
My Little Pony
Ah ah aahhhh
My Little Pony

I used to wonder what Friendship could be

Everyone cheered while the boys and Scarlet groaned.

---

“…James do you think it could be those…Changeling beasties and their Queen?” Lyra stubbed out her cigarette.

“I thought about it, but it doesn’t make sense.” James shook his head, “They disguised themselves as actual people, not…alternate children.”

“Point taken.” Lyra pulled out another Cigarette and lit it, “So it’s not changelings, It’s not magic, and I’m pretty damn sure you haven’t been running around getting people pregnant, so it’s…Time Travel?”

“Lyra, I’m a farmer, I don’t know shit about that sorta thing, pardon my language.” James shook his head.

“…So it’s legit then.” Lyra took a drag of her cigarette, “I’m not going to lie, but this is insane.”

“Eeyup.”

“So what are you going to do?” Lyra motioned towards the living room with her cigarette, “I mean…Twelve kids.”

“…I’ve asked Sari to figure out how to send them back, but…”

“You’re not optimistic?” Lyra smirked.

“Let’s just say that there are things no one’s prepared for.” James responded, “I told her to try an’ contact the Princesses, but she said they were too busy taking care of the situation in the Capital.”

“And the others?”

“I’m not going to burden everyone else with a kid.” James shook his head, “Besides, I can’t exactly go to Cloud City, go to the Wonderbolt’s office with Ginger and say ‘Hi. This is my daughter with Fiona, and I’m leaving her here for the day’, Can I?”

“Point taken.” Lyra finished her cigarette and stubbed it out, “So you’re keeping them at your place?”

“We got plenty of room.”

“Dad?” someone tugged at James’s sleeve. Lyra and James looked down to see the blonde boy.

“What is it Carson?”

“I gotta go to the bathroom.” Carson grimaced.

“Down the hall, first door on the right.” Lyra pointed.

“Thank you Miss Mandolini.”

Carson turned around and quickly sprinted down the hallway.

“…You said he’s Dorthy’s kid, right?” Lyra picked at her cigarette butts, “Did he…”

“We were able to get him corrective surgery,” James placed his cup down, “At least that’s what he said.”

“…Let’s get this over with,” Lyra flicked the butts into her sink, “I’ll trust you on this, James. I don’t like it, but I’ll put up with it.”

“That’s honestly all I can ask for,” James stood up, “Let me introduce you to them all.”

Lyra got up and the two walked into the living room; Theo and Scarlet were yelling at each other and struggling to break out of Max, Sparks and Ginger’s grip. The others sat away from them, watching TV.

“AHEM.” James cleared his throat, catching everyone’s attention. Max released Theo, as Sparks and Ginger let go of Scarlet, dropping both of them on the ground.
“What did I say?”

“Sorry Dad,” Theo and Scarlet mumbled.

“Alright kids, I want you to line up and introduce yourselves to Lyra,” James instructed them.

The kids scrambled around, pushing and shoving each other to line up. After several more arguments, they finally managed to line up. Carson rushed back into the room, and stood at the end of the line.

“Sparks, you start.”

“I’m Charlene, but everyone calls me Sparks.” Sparks introduced herself.

“Why do they call you that?” Lyra inquired.

Sparks placed one hand out and focused, eventually causing several brightly colored sparks to fly out of her palm.

“I can do a little magic.” the girl smiled.

“Cute.” Lyra smiled back.

“I’m Madeline Taffila Smith!” Maddy beamed, “But everyone calls me Maddy.”

“I’m Scarlet.” Scarlet glanced at Theo.

“I am Tabitha, but mommy and daddy call me Tabby.”

“I…I’m Melody.” The sweater girl stammered.

“I’m Anastasia Chrysanthemum.” A.C. Beamed, “but most people think it’s too long and hard to say so they call me A.C.!”

“I’m Jeannette.” The orange-haired girl smiled.

“I’m Carson.” Carson sheepishly smiled.

“Ginger.” The redhead shrugged.

Theo puffed out his chest, “I am Theodore Phillip Aureolus Bombastu-”

“His name is Theodore,” Ginger and Sparks rolled their eyes, “He made up the rest of it.”

“…spoil sports.” Theo pouted.

“I’m Jamie!” the mulberry-haired girl beamed.

“I am Maximilian.” The pale boy bowed, “It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

“I’m Eris.” Another voice responded, surprising everyone.

Everyone looked at the sofa, where a new girl lounged. She pulled herself up, and stared back. Her grey hair reached the middle of her back, and her T-shirt and pants where brightly colored, mismatched and messy. She flashed a smile revealing that her left canine tooth was abnormally long.

“…James, I thought you said there were twelve kids.” Lyra frowned.

“There were.” He responded.

“Daddy…” Eris pouted, “How could you forget about me? I mean, daddy Discord didn’t.”

“…The fuck.” Lyra’s jaw dropped as all the kids gasped.

“Daddy, she said a bad word.” A.C. tugged at James’ pants.

“I know.” He sighed.

“…James, I’m going back in the kitchen, where I am going to smoke my entire pack of cigarettes, at once.
And probably break something.”

Lyra walked back into the kitchen. After several moments, the sound of shattering dishes and screams shocked everyone else back into action.

“DADDY!” everyone, except for Melody and Max dived for cover and hid behind James or the sofa.

“…This is going to be a long day…” James sighed.

Comments

[dramatic_spoon]

I don't think anyone was really expecting this, so....surprise?

I want to thank Punzil504 for helping me figure out names for everyone.

Let's get this started...

Big Mac becomes James Macintosh Smith, a good ol' farm boy.
Applejack became Jackie.
Applebloom became Sarah.
Granny Smith became Maria Ann Smith.

Lyra became Lyra Mandolini. So I guess she's part Italian.
I wanted to do something that would sort of show the difference between unicorns and Earth ponies, but the horns felt weird, Elf ears sounded wonky when you write them out, and I couldn't really think of a suitable mark.
Bonbon became Bonnie, but she never showed up in the story.

Twilight became...Well, Sari.
Obvious Actor Allusion there.
Sparkling Cider became Charlene, on Punzil's advice.
Otherwise Twilight would have been Tara and Cider would have been Sari.
slightly off-topic, but I imagine a human Twilight as at least part Indian.

Rarity became Juliet, while Gem became Tabitha.
obvious, why.
My favorite human Raritys are either Asian, Indian or pleasingly Plump.
Fashion isn't all skinny white girls.

Pinkie became Diane, while Apple Pie became Madeline.
It turns out Andrea Liberman also voiced Madeline in the cartoon.

Dash became Blythe and Scarlet didn't change.
I wanted Dash to have an out-of-character name. something really girly.
I was going to make her Jennifer at first, but then I realized I had Jenny, Juliet and Jackie.

Fluttershy became Emile, and Garden Royale became Melody.

Cheerilee ended up as Cheryl Lee, and Acey became Anastasia Chrysanthemum.
Yes, Cheerilee's Chinese, and Acey has probably one of the weirdest name combinations I've seen.

Carrot Top became Stacy, and Golden Sweet became Jeannette.

Spitfire became Fiona, and Cinnamon became Ginger.
I was originally going to call Spitfire "Anne", because her first VA, Kelly Metzger was in a production of Anne of Green Gables, but nixed it.
She kept Spitfire as her callsign.

Trixie became Patrica Twombly, while Center Stage became Theo.
Remember, Kathleen Barr also voices Mrs. Twombly on Littlest Pet Shop.
Center Stage tries to call himself a modified version of Renaissance Occultist/scientist Paraceles' real name: Philippus Aureolus Theophrastus Bombastus von Hohenheim.

Ditzy became Dorthy, and Carson stayed the same.
Dinky became Kelly.
Human!Carson doesn't have the same eye problem as his pony counterpart. He got corrective surgery, that isn't available in Equestria.

Luna Became Princess Selena, while Nova became Maximilian.
Punzil suggested Max for Center Stage's name and "Castor" for Nova, but it didn't feel regal enough.

Sweetie Belle became Isabelle, and Apple Jam became Jamie.
so by process of Elimination Scootaloo's human counterpart is Louise.

Discord stays...Discord, and Bellona became Eris.
I like the idea of Human Discord being androgynous, it adds to his confusing chaotic feel.

And I did get human Names for everyone else, even if they didn't show up.

Erebus = Orion
Big Paula Red = Paula
Cloudchaser = Chelsea
Celestia = Celestia
Cadance = Cadance
Gleaming Shield = Alexandra
Cup Cake = Angela
Queen Umbra = Hela

Stratos = Stratos
Midnight Bliss = Elizabeth Maria
Idun = Ida
Fantasia = Fantasia
Apple Cake = Mackenzie
Oaken Shield = Kara
Oscura = Sable

so...yay?

[kingtiger666]

[RaptorCalloftheShadows]

XD I'm dying. XD I'm dying laughing. WHY AM I DYING LAUGHING? OH, wait, I know why. THE WHOLE PACK OF CIGARETTES ALL AT ONCE, and breaking somethings. XD

[that1dude]

This is incredible!

[Honeytongue]

Sooo....Is this the same verse as the PPGs?

Anyway, interesting take on the human version, and you're right- no one was expecting that.