• Member Since 28th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen 20 minutes ago


Just a dude who writes mainly clop with some action and some GrimDark on the side. Also, If you don’t like futa, you may have a bad time here :P ;)


Comments ( 94 )

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I find it hard to believe that Zecora or anyone for that matter could just easily say something like "the others will stop you" after just having her leg torn off. Wouldn't she be screaming in agony? just a thought. Very dark but violence alone is not enough to interest me. You'll need more I'm afraid. I can say it is decently written. :twilightsmile:

i'm going insane arent i:pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:hehehehehehe

Okay, Zecora isn't talking the way she normally talks.

Then it's suddenly later into the night. You need to show Kyra getting ready to sleep and getting under the blanket.

>She ran to the front door, expecting to barge through it. Instead, she hit the door and bounced off it.
It sounds like she forgot to open the door. Mention something about how it's locked.

There's no motive for Kyra to attack Zecora. I don't care if you're planning to explain it later, you need to explain why in this chapter. Heck even "She's part of an Always Chaotic Evil race of pony" would be enough.

>She opened her mouth wide. And by wide I mean three times the size of a normal pony's mouth.
Just condense this to "She opened her mouth three times the size of a normal pony's mouth" or something.

I agree, change the writing a it, other then that please stipend raping me,you've already taken my brains innocence after I recovered from cupcakes, you bastard.

1) The door was not locked. Kyra was just blocking Zecora's escape with her dark magic.

2) Kyra's just evil. Read my blog post "The Two Sides Of Kyra". She just enjoys torturing and killing others. And she's not a race of pony. What she is will be explained later.

I for one liked this fic and are looking forward for more :pinkiecrazy:

yeah i liked this alot. i dont think you need to justify her insanity too much at the beginning.
it had some scary elements:pinkiecrazy: it had some gore:pinkiecrazy: it had some writing problems, but nothing you cant chamge :ajsleepy:

239679 i like the way the mouth part was described

this seems like a B movie. i like it even more!!

Okay, if Kyra's blocking the door with her dark magic, then you need to show it in the story. And if she's evil, then you need to show that too. Maybe have her do an evil laugh or something.

>Reading chapter 2

The scene in the beginning with Spike sick should be longer. Maybe show Twilight discovering that he's sick. And then show her leaving the library.

>When there was no answer
Department of Redundancy Department

You say "the door" too much. Just say "it."

>She quickly put a hoof to her mouth to keep from vomiting.
Show what she's reacting to first. And Twilight doesn't seem like the type of pony to throw up just from the sight of blood.

And then Twilight finds a pony in The Everfree forest and takes her home just like in Past Sins.:facehoof:

She DID do an evil laugh. The laughter that Zecora heard was Kyra.

Thanks for the tip

Zecora just has so much faith in her friends that she believes that they'll be able to stop Kyra.

Okay, Zecora isn't talking the way she normally talks.
This is why she was the first to die. Not only did it make since but also because I didn't want to keep coming up with rhymes.



And you will get more. Soon...

Thank you. Pinkie Pie never needed clarification in Cupcakes and that became a meme.

You're just awesome. That's all I have to say.

Not showing what Twilight reacted to first builds up suspense. And anyone would vomit when they see a dead body especially when they're not used to it.
Never read Past Sins.

I don't know, I thought it was pretty good, there aren't that many gorefic writers out there (at least to my liking) but good idea non-the-less :pinkiehappy:


Okay, I'm sure the reason for Zecora's death makes perfect sense in your head. But here on the page it doesn't. If you didn't want to keep coming up with rhymes you could just as easily have Kyra kill Trixie or somepony.

Now there's no shame in unintentionally using a story idea that somepony else thought of. It's just that Past Sins is one of the most read fanfics to come from this show.

>...and then followed Twilight downstairs.
You said "downstairs" twice.

>She then proceeded to introduce them. After the introductions were finished it was Kyra's turn.
How would each of them introduce themselves? Show, don't tell.

>"I'm Kyra and I..." She paused and her facial expression slowly became sad. "I have no family. They died a while back."

243056 i agree with the shortage of gore stories(well, scary gore stories like this). but if you havent already, u should see my gore fic and see if u like it or not.

im lovin the cheesiness/predictability of this story!!!!!! now all it needs is alot of blood and its perfect:pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

Yeah... Kyra's just kind of a boring character. Evil with absolutely no motivations, prone to cliches like "I'm your worst nightmare," senseless gore.

I was actually working on the chapter that revealed her motives whilst reading this comment.

298688 Kyra smiled and turned back t the window. Were you in a hurry?

Epic dough it still feels like you're rushing a bit.And you spelled hair wrong..:twilightsheepish:

Spelled "hair" wrong, huh? Actually, I didn't even spell it at all.:facehoof::pinkiesad2::pinkiehappy:

326840 I think you corrected it (and her hair hanging down.) Before it said haer kinda:pinkiecrazy:

um......is kyra taking bubbles skin off or is she just watching? i dont get it :rainbowhuh:

Kyra uses her magic to torture others. She rarely touches her victims.

pinkiamena is back lol

If she touches derpy again...:derpyderp2:

Just found the time to finish this. It's PINKAMENA!

Why do you always get rid of your good characters???

Oh, just you wait. You'll understand when Kyra 3: Retribution comes out...

Pinkamena, somehow I was expecting you :pinkiecrazy:

Not the same pinkamena though :pinkiesad2:

You must really hate Bubbles.

Um just wondering(not talking about this story have an haven't read it yet) do you have an editor a lot of your stories tend to have grammatical problems or just tend to repeat phrases
edit: Yeah this chapter too. I'm not saying I'm better(that would be worse then an absolute lie) I'm just saying running it past others can't hurt like when Kyra says "I'm your worst nightmare"(a very well known cliche) you could add something like ' and Zecora sneared at Kyra "My worst nightmare you are not, many far worse are at a hoof's thought" she recited in her regular rhyming tone. Through sheer anger caused by the minute verse Kyra ripped Zecora's front right leg with her dark magic leaving a trail of blood and muscle from her levitating leg and her now empty leg socket.' I'm not saying It is much better then yours but it does show more stuff then yours like Kyra having a temper or that Zecora knows of things that are much worse which does explain certain things like her being able to talk calmly(or at least able to talk at all) after her entire arm was ripped out of it's socket. Your obviously a better writer then me and probably will have things to explain this later I just want to voice my idea and lend a hand if you want the help.

To put it simply, I do NOT have an editor.

Just want to say that if I were to visit a distant friend of mine that happens to live in a forest full of exotic animals and plants and they don't answer the door right away I would just think they are out getting the exotic ingredients they gather daily for their multiple potions and powders they make a living off of:eeyup:thats just me of course

um pinkie escaped with the others didnt she? because you kinda had her knocked out and she disappeared after that.:applejackconfused:

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