I find it hard to believe that Zecora or anyone for that matter could just easily say something like "the others will stop you" after just having her leg torn off. Wouldn't she be screaming in agony? just a thought. Very dark but violence alone is not enough to interest me. You'll need more I'm afraid. I can say it is decently written.
Okay, Zecora isn't talking the way she normally talks.
Then it's suddenly later into the night. You need to show Kyra getting ready to sleep and getting under the blanket.
>She ran to the front door, expecting to barge through it. Instead, she hit the door and bounced off it. It sounds like she forgot to open the door. Mention something about how it's locked.
There's no motive for Kyra to attack Zecora. I don't care if you're planning to explain it later, you need to explain why in this chapter. Heck even "She's part of an Always Chaotic Evil race of pony" would be enough.
>She opened her mouth wide. And by wide I mean three times the size of a normal pony's mouth. Just condense this to "She opened her mouth three times the size of a normal pony's mouth" or something.
I agree, change the writing a it, other then that please stipend raping me,you've already taken my brains innocence after I recovered from cupcakes, you bastard.
239679 1) The door was not locked. Kyra was just blocking Zecora's escape with her dark magic.
2) Kyra's just evil. Read my blog post "The Two Sides Of Kyra". She just enjoys torturing and killing others. And she's not a race of pony. What she is will be explained later.
yeah i liked this alot. i dont think you need to justify her insanity too much at the beginning. it had some scary elements it had some gore it had some writing problems, but nothing you cant chamge
Um just wondering(not talking about this story have an haven't read it yet) do you have an editor a lot of your stories tend to have grammatical problems or just tend to repeat phrases edit: Yeah this chapter too. I'm not saying I'm better(that would be worse then an absolute lie) I'm just saying running it past others can't hurt like when Kyra says "I'm your worst nightmare"(a very well known cliche) you could add something like ' and Zecora sneared at Kyra "My worst nightmare you are not, many far worse are at a hoof's thought" she recited in her regular rhyming tone. Through sheer anger caused by the minute verse Kyra ripped Zecora's front right leg with her dark magic leaving a trail of blood and muscle from her levitating leg and her now empty leg socket.' I'm not saying It is much better then yours but it does show more stuff then yours like Kyra having a temper or that Zecora knows of things that are much worse which does explain certain things like her being able to talk calmly(or at least able to talk at all) after her entire arm was ripped out of it's socket. Your obviously a better writer then me and probably will have things to explain this later I just want to voice my idea and lend a hand if you want the help.
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I find it hard to believe that Zecora or anyone for that matter could just easily say something like "the others will stop you" after just having her leg torn off. Wouldn't she be screaming in agony? just a thought. Very dark but violence alone is not enough to interest me. You'll need more I'm afraid. I can say it is decently written.
i'm going insane arent ihehehehehehe
Okay, Zecora isn't talking the way she normally talks.
Then it's suddenly later into the night. You need to show Kyra getting ready to sleep and getting under the blanket.
>She ran to the front door, expecting to barge through it. Instead, she hit the door and bounced off it.
It sounds like she forgot to open the door. Mention something about how it's locked.
There's no motive for Kyra to attack Zecora. I don't care if you're planning to explain it later, you need to explain why in this chapter. Heck even "She's part of an Always Chaotic Evil race of pony" would be enough.
>She opened her mouth wide. And by wide I mean three times the size of a normal pony's mouth.
Just condense this to "She opened her mouth three times the size of a normal pony's mouth" or something.
I agree, change the writing a it, other then that please stipend raping me,you've already taken my brains innocence after I recovered from cupcakes, you bastard.
239679
1) The door was not locked. Kyra was just blocking Zecora's escape with her dark magic.
2) Kyra's just evil. Read my blog post "The Two Sides Of Kyra". She just enjoys torturing and killing others. And she's not a race of pony. What she is will be explained later.
I for one liked this fic and are looking forward for more
yeah i liked this alot. i dont think you need to justify her insanity too much at the beginning.
it had some scary elements it had some gore it had some writing problems, but nothing you cant chamge
239679 i like the way the mouth part was described
Yeah... Kyra's just kind of a boring character. Evil with absolutely no motivations, prone to cliches like "I'm your worst nightmare," senseless gore.
Um just wondering(not talking about this story have an haven't read it yet) do you have an editor a lot of your stories tend to have grammatical problems or just tend to repeat phrases
edit: Yeah this chapter too. I'm not saying I'm better(that would be worse then an absolute lie) I'm just saying running it past others can't hurt like when Kyra says "I'm your worst nightmare"(a very well known cliche) you could add something like ' and Zecora sneared at Kyra "My worst nightmare you are not, many far worse are at a hoof's thought" she recited in her regular rhyming tone. Through sheer anger caused by the minute verse Kyra ripped Zecora's front right leg with her dark magic leaving a trail of blood and muscle from her levitating leg and her now empty leg socket.' I'm not saying It is much better then yours but it does show more stuff then yours like Kyra having a temper or that Zecora knows of things that are much worse which does explain certain things like her being able to talk calmly(or at least able to talk at all) after her entire arm was ripped out of it's socket. Your obviously a better writer then me and probably will have things to explain this later I just want to voice my idea and lend a hand if you want the help.
239671 Well, violence is enough to interest me, and on that note, I say, GOOD JOB AUTHOR!
I can get used to the increasing amount of violence and gore that I suspect will happen.
a vary OOC Zecora but a solid start
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I wrote this back during Season 2 when I just got into the show. Plus Zecora was never a favorite which is why she died first.