• Member Since 25th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 16th, 2014

Rar1tyfan


T

Twilight Sparkle wakes up after using an age spell on herself to try and make herself more mature but it does the opposite.

Princess Celestia comes to see Twilight and tells her friends that the only way Twilight can be restored is if she grows up naturally

Spike is taken to Canterlot by Princess Celestia before the age spell is cast.
This is based before Magical Mystery Cure.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 44 )

Make sure Darkentrophy doesn't see this. That is all.

2780384 He's part of the PPaAF group and as soon as he sees this he will tear it to shreds.

While you're here, I'll give you a hopefully more explicit review: your grammar was terrible, the pacing was much too fast, unnecessary capitalisations and missing necessary capitalisations were everywhere, you seem to have a faulty . key for the number of missing full stops, new speakers always need a new line, commas don't go after question marks and the characters were wrong; I think they would figure out a filly who looked exactly like Twilight would have something to do with her without needing to read a book first and some of them used dialect that was unfitting.

Rarity saying "Ok then let's go" and Rainbow saying "Hello girls".

2780435

Ok i may have got Rarity's line wrong but i was trying to show Rainbow as a little depressed so she would not really have the energy to say something along the lines of saying all of the ponies names

2780435
and what would you reccomend she says as this is my first fanfiction on here.

2780446>>2780450 'Girls' was fine, I just think she would have said 'hey' rather than 'hello'.

2780483

Ok
sorry about the grammar, it is not my strongest point

2780711
I am nearly done with Chapter 2, it should be good

Sorry about any Grammar errors

Not bad but as Penjacker pointed out it's kind of, if you'll excuse the pun "Messy". :twilightoops:

2781058

I know but Grammar is not my strong suit.

Thank you for the Compliment though

Thank you for adding this story to other groups but to whoever added to the Twilight and Spike group i appreciate the jesture but i am not sure as to wheter or not i am even going to include Spike

After reading the two chapter you have up at the time, all i can say is you need an editor.
Everything is happening so fast and you seem to be struggling to make the chapter as long as you want it to be.
Also everyone on this website already knows the characters main traits, so all the over specification on things like their cutie-marks seems a little bit overkill.
Then again I do like the story but it do need a bit of polishing, if you want some help just send me a message. I'll preread it and edit it for you to the best of my abilities.

Not trying to sound like an asshole, I'm only trying to help. With Love Asabrasa.

2781181
I second this statement.
Everything is happening WAYYYY too quickly.

2781207

noted and i have PM'ed Asabrasa and i am waiting for him to get back to me

Yeah, the premise is good, but the grammar and pacing needs a little revision. I recommend getting another site user as an editor.

But keep it up! :twilightsmile:

Your story needs polishing for one thing the dialogue is as stale as your mom and on top of that you don't even bother starting a new line everytime some one new speaks. If you can't be bothered to put in the most minimal of efforts in to this why should I or anyone else read it?

Also unless the Purple Unicorn is the local tavern don't capitalize it. Only proper nouns are capitalized; meaning people and places. And capitalize every I

Not to mention the extreme amount of missing punctuation. Makes very difficult to read and in areas needing a question mark, exclamation mark or a period it makes the characters' voices sound like robots in my head.

Well, seems decent, problem is...


Puntuaction. Und pacing.

I have taken everything that has been said into consideration and one of my friends has offered to be my editor so hopefully Chapter Three will be a bit cleaner and not feel as rushed. :eeyup:

I've read worse, that said I've also read better. I'll watch this for a bit

I warned myself not to read it. but goddammit, now I've done it. now I have yet ANOTHER story to keep track of, because 207 wasn't enough, as well as writing my own. great. just fantastic.

2925639
I will have more uploaded soon but I have been moving house and I don't have internet at my new house yet.

I love stories like this, so they always get a free pass from me, but it certainly needs improvement. Punctuation in speech is absolutely vital - your audience cannot hear tone, so you have to provide it. It's not all that difficult - there's actually not a lot of punctuation to know - but it has to be there, or your characters sound like emotionless automata. At the least, end spoken sentences in a period - if you don't, then every character sounds like they've just stopped talking mid-sentence!

Can you upload more? I have been waiting for like forever :fluttercry:and I'm getting board waiting:ajbemused: and I have been checking EVERYDAY for updates so when are you going to?:twilightblush::twilightsheepish: I hope you answer me back please.:pinkiesmile::pinkiehappy:

4145667
Yeah sorry my computer is away for repairs and I have hit a creative slump but I will be getting a new one soon.

Zecora raised an eyebrow and shook her head. `That is odd Applejack is normally a very collected pony, but I guess anypony can make a blunder once a while. I hope she is not coming down with something.┬┤Zecora thought to herself.

didn't sound like a zecora thing. no rhyme.

:facehoof:oh, twilight. maybe if you'd not said anything after zecora seemed to disappear, you wouldn't have to worry. but she knows what you were planning. and it seems she decided to teach you a lesson

but.... :fluttershyouch::pinkiehappy::rainbowkiss: damn it, you're so cute!

since you asked, i will overlook the grammar errors... though i can only just do so.

howver, i must point out other things that felt a little off or just not quite right here.

celestia's reaction wasn't deep enough. by that i mean the others should have questioned it or it should have had a little longer to settle in for them all that the twilight they knew is gone. plus, that may not be true. there's no guaranty that twi won't somewhat remember them all, especially celestia. that alicorn had a bigger impact in twi's life than anypony else, so she should somewhat be able to remember her.

maybe, as she grows up, she'll ask about dreams she has, that are actually her old memories leaking back into her subconscious.

also, shouldn't they have all worried about how twi's parents would react to learning that their daughter not only has been turned back into a foal, but now thinks of somepony else as her mother. celestia should have at least mentioned that she'd have the take on the taste of trying to explain the delicate situation to them.


other than that, i like the way this is going, but i will withhold my favorite until later.

"We can have a Birthday party for the little one" Pinkie Pie said after pulling her PARTY CANNON out from UNDER Twilight's bed.

DAMN PINKIE YOU SCARE ME

Ok that was cute, I look forward to more chapters to come.:pinkiehappy:

ANOTHER!? Story that I want to see more of!? And is not complete yet come on:fluttercry: please continue this story

found this story and read it, so cute but wish for more

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