Once every five years a test is taken to see if weather ponies can still continue their jobs. One night as Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash get together to study, Dashie's mind floods back to years ago, in highschool. Where her mind tried to block out the same feelings as she wishes she could on this very night. Flutterdash.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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First. Good story. Need a little more though.
2777667
Oh thank you so much! My first comment on here! ^^ I feel so happy right now.
May I please ask what you mean by "Need a little more though"? Do you mean that it needs something adding in the chapter? As it seems to be "Missing Something"? Or do you mean it needs more chapters? I feel as if I can only improve if people point out my flaws and what I need to do to grow an improve ^^
Either way, Thank you so much! It means a lot that you took your time to review! I know that you could have done anything in the time it took you to review but you chose to make me smile instead and that's lovely of you! <3
Very good so far,
but I might recommend not using center aligned text.
2777845
May I ask if people usually enjoy it to the side? Because I shall not center it from no one if so ^^
Thank you so much for your review and constructive Crit! You have made me smile, and brought something to my attention that I can change to improve ^^
I mean I would like more as in story.
2777925
Well I am writing the next chapter as I speak! ^^
I'm really glad you liked my story enough to want another chapter.
There might be a few chapters actually ^^.
Thank you so much for your review and kind words! it means a lot! ^^
What the fuck is up with text alignment
2778385
May I ask if you mean you are not happy with how its in the center?
2778672
I'm just curious as to why it was done
2778725
Well my goal in life is to make as many other people happy as I possibly can ^^ And if someone is not happy with something they should tell me so I can try to change or alter it to make them smile : )
II did ask people to tell me if they had any tips to give me to improve, then it would be altered straight away. I need constructive crit. and such to grow and improve you know? The people who thumbed me down- I wish they would simply tell me how they think I could improve alongside the thumb down. ^^
The text is centered, simply because I usually center my writing outside fanfiction. Someone did bring this to my knowledge before, and I asked them if people usually don't center the text here. To which they have not replied back to me yet & I assume they will do later on.
Please, just tell me how I can improve and I shall. This is after all my first My Little Pony story. I am a teenage female who would will enjoy writing pony fanfiction over summer-time ^^
2778769
In all honesty it killed your story
Using typography can be great in certain places
But those places are few and far between
In reality you shouldn't have centered aligned it
2778781
If center text kills stories here then I shall never use it. Although I will be using it for my pony "Doodle Diary" That shall be coming over summer.
But for this I understand. I think I have changed it and un-centered the text. May I ask if you know if changes take place straight away once you have changed it? Or is there a little waiting? If you don't know, Thank you for your help anyway. You have brought it to my attention that Centered text is not the best way to go on this site for normal fanfiction : ) I appreciate the help a lot!
Errrr wat? Please finish the yellow m ....
as im such a massive Flutterdash fan, I can be your proofreader if you dont already have one
I like the idea behind this story. And its Flutterdash. And those two points I guess are what really matters to me, not how its alligned, or whatnot.
If you have a few spare moments, I recomend you check out my own writing. Its pretty much all (cute) Flutterdash and might give you a few ideas and whatnot
in the least it would show how I work if you want to use me as proofreader.
So all in all... I like this so far and am keen to see it succeed as a great first fan fic.
2779313
You have Flutterdash Stories?.. I'm really not well today. In bed. Consider me your story stalker for the day! Thank you so much for saying you shall proofread! It means a lot to me <3 And since you quickly found out that I by mistake didn't finish the word "mare" I can see you have a good eye : ) I shall read your story's and get back to you if that's alright? ^^
Yes. Yes. Much Flutterdash shall be written.
And awe! ;_; Thank you for your kind words regarding my first fanfic. That made me smile super wide <3 May I call you my friend Fellow Flutterdash Shipper? x3
First story? I'll be a little less critical in my wording then.
Overall it was decent but clumsy. Not to mention you do need an editor to catch a lot of small mistakes (don't worry we all need/use editors)
A small thing that will have a big impact is standardize your paragraphs. Is a new paragraph have a space between it and the old paragraph or not? Going between the two is jarring to read.
Your transitions need work and you should include more in the flashback. As is it doesn't add much of anything to the story. My suggestion? Add in Dash's dad issues into the flashback. Something like "I need to pass this test! You know what my dad will do to me if I fail," Rainbow Dash said. Or something like that anyways.
Also it's weird that Dash treats her dad's opinions as truths. It'd work better if you eased that up a tad.
2779521
This is the kind of advice I need! Thank you! ^^
I am quite clumsy. I guess I shall just need to improve in time. Practice makes Improvement so I shall be writing a lot over summer! x3
For where I'm taking this story, I need her to *believe* that her dad was, and still is right. : ).
I shall be doing a different kind of story soon. One set in the tone of a diary where there shall be about eight drawn pictures per entry to make the diary feel like it has been written out, and doodled in by a teenager. (The "doodles" making the story come to life. Written and doodled by A teenage version of Fluttershy or Rainbow Dash) So honestly I need to know how I can improve for when I finally take that task over, over summer.
And honestly, In that diary/journal/ upcoming writing, Dashie's dad shall be the same as in this fanfic. And honestly you have just given me an idea on how I can simply hint many times how her dad is, and foreshadow, but reveal that slowly! By having her drop things in conversations subtlety
I shall get an editor, it my main target. Especially for the upcoming "Doodle Diary/Journal" I'm going to be doing. I think I might have already found one actually! But I shall have at least Two I think just in case.
I need all the help and constructive Crit. That I can possibly get. After all, How am I suppose to improve if no one tells me how? Thank you so much! ^^ -Huggles-
I don't know if you have any stories, but I'ma look now, and read some of yours if you have! ^^
Thank you so much for your kind words and helpful guidance! Is there anything else that caught your eye but it seemed to little of a mistake to say? Because honestly it would really help me! ^^
On a whole, Thank you so much for taking your time to review and state what I need to improve! It means so much to me! ^^
Well, the formatting is a little wonky here.
For example, there are paragraphs stuck together and there are some paragraphs which were oddly split. Organization would be another thing you need to work on.
Looking into the actual content, I agree with the idea of adding a little more to the flash black. Like maybe add a little dilalogue between them where Rainbow Dash starts off by saying that she likes another filly or something along the line. Even adding a few details in there would help
It certainly is an interesting setup and I like it quite a bit.
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