Autumn

by canonkiller

Disjointed

"Can't these things-" Tigerjay huffed, "-buck off? I mean-" He kicked his legs out again. "-this can't be a-" Again. "-pleasant experience!"

Fanning his wings to cool himself down, he spun around, nailing his tail into the cheek of one of the deformed monsters. The bubble around him was a private prison, surrounded by the ghostly white ponies who continously threw themselves towards him, ignoring any injuries they were recieving to lauch back into the fray.

Extending his back claws, the next kick send razor-sharp talons over the deformed pony's eyes. Opening it's mouth in a slimy, silent scream, the creature reared up, falling onto it's back. It's legs kicked once before it went still, and only a few moments passed before the herd came surging over the body with crooked hooves.

"Well." Tigerjay grimaced at the black goop dripping from his back talons. "One mystery solved: how to kill a... whatever these things are."

But it would be so... easy~ to give in, would it not?

"Whoever you are, help me!"

A tall stick of an Alicorn stepped out of the mist. It's delicate, wiry features were marred only by a massive underbite, lined with massive fangs, dripping green slime. It's wings were simple rods of bone streching in a cemented arch over it's back, joints fused together. The creature smiled a grotesque, mutant crocodile grin. I must admit, I almost just finished you off with my army. Alas, it seems you instead must die by my hooves. Such a pity. What a waste of a good, young life on such trivialities as a war. It leaned in, serrated teeth inches from Tigerjay's beak. I wish I could have known you under better circumstances.

Tigerjay scruched up his face and pushed the monster's muzzle away from his. "Your breath reeks."

The Alicorn's smirk turned into a scowl, and it's glassy eyes narrowed. Prepare to die, insolent scum!

Tigerjay smiled happily. "We'll see. We'll see. In fact, I have a little something for you to see."

Of course you do. You may follow through with your final act. The regal creature waved a passive hoof.

The Griffon searched for something behind his back for several moments, before spinning and sending an explosive cloud of confetti and sparkles into the attacker's face. As the Alicorn sputtered, Tigerjay laughed. "Party popper!"

I. Will. END YOU!

"Good luck!" Tigerjay laughed.

"When there's something strange~

Hunting you down~

And you know it's there~

'Cause your heart starts to pound~"

That doesn't even ryhme.

"Who you gonna call?~"

Why are you singing anyway?

"THE POLICE!" Tigerjay yelled, leaping over the confused Alicorn's head and planting his claws on the merged shoulder blades, hooking them in the near-invisble seam between the wing and the leg, and p u l l i n g.

What? What are you doing? The Alicorn sputtered, swinging it's head to try and reach Tigerjay with either it's fangs or it's horn. Tigerjay yelped as a nauseatingly victorius crkksshthmp echoed in the sudden silence. On bony wing hung limply on the ground, exposing the entire left flank and shoulder.

The creature's voice gasped in pain, devoid of the ability to scream. I feel like I'm going to hurl. It stated, falling forward onto it's knees. Fine! You've beaten me. Show some level of mercy in that killing soul of yours and end my suffering!

"You don't even deserve to die. There is no heaven or hell bad enough to house a creature like you."

And what makes me any more different from you? You fought back. You killed. And even if I live, I'll be permantently wounded. Which one of us is better?

Tigerjay looked at the limp carcass from the disfigured Herd. "Neither of us deserves death. The one who made this even happen is the one that deserves death." He paused.

"Death so painful that not even a soul will be left to judge."

"Hey, do you ever think about what's going to happen after we die?"

"Nothing. Complete and utter blackness. Or whiteness. Depending on how full the glass is."

Sunrise frowned. "That's kind of depressing."

"Death's kind of depressing." Discord replied. "And I'd prefer not to think about it."

"Well, I've been trying to find out how old you are."

"Good luck."

"You've been in stone for over a thousand - Luna's banishment - and one-hundred - we have living record - years. And you were an adult when you were imprisoned at first."

"The first calculation would be two-thousand, five-hundred and twenty-three years, also two hours, ten minutes and thirty-two seconds."

"Ah, thank you - you counted?!"

"I had nothing else to do except look out of these tiny little carved eyeholes for entertainment. And being suspended in limbo is excruciantingly painful with a full bladder."

"Ugh. No need for any more information. So, two-thousand-six-hundred-and-twenty-three years in imprisonment."

"Yes."

"So how old were you when you first got stoned?"

Discord glared at her. "I'm taking that offensively."

"Oh, how else should I word it?"

"Twenty-five." He growled pointendly. "I wasn't even that powerful. Now, when I came back, hoho, I was strong then! I was the king of the world~!"

"You are two-thousand, six-hundred and fifty, because it's been two years since you were set free. You're old."

"Actually, you don't age in limbo. I'm twenty-seven. Not so old at all, am I?"

"You're as annoying as a schoolfilly though!"

"Hurtful!" Discord exclaimed. "Dear Equestria, I'll be depressed for the rest of my young life! Woe is me!"

"Shut up, Discord."

Ignoring the dragonness, he started ranting. "And would you believe her nerve to imprison me on my birthday?! And I saw Luna knitting me a pair of socks!"

"That's just great."

"And so when she got out these pretty stones, it was kind of surprising, because she kind of hated me at the time, and I was thinking how expensive they must have been, and then Luna walked in with my present and looked all shocked. I thought I wasn't supposed to see these gems until they were wrapped, but then Luna dropped the present and walked over beside Celestia, and man I thought they were going to start singing - you know how ponies are, songs for everything - and then the stones started sparkling, so I instantly thought disco, and started singing hilariously operatically, and next thing I knew I was stuck in stone, in that embarrasing pose! Not the best birthday ever. Nowhere close. Being let out on my birthday was much better. I never got around to thanking those fillies."

"Please be quiet."

"Damn. I just realized I was a father at twenty-six. Not the future I planned. It involved many more castles, my dream. Ooh, and an Equestria-wide five-bar wifi connection! And anarchy. Well, except for me, because I'd be king, but everyone else could be below me in anarchy. Yes, that would work. Quite nicely. And Celestia and Luna could be my servants, in embarrasing maid outfits. Hah! I have such a brilliant mind~"

"Oh. My. Sweet. Equestria. Can't you make a mute button first?!"

"Nah. Where was I? Birthdays. We were talking about birthdays. What was your favourite birthday?"

"They're all the same. Dragons can't give presents. Greed complex and all. So it was maybe and extra burned opal waffle at breakfast or something."

"Huh." Discord went quiet for a few precious moments. "I never suspected Spike of being a good cook anyway."

Sunrise facepalmed.