My Little Starcraft: Friendly Fire is Magic

by DuncanR

D05: Is this another bug-hunt?

“Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaah! Aaah aah-aaah, aah aah aaaah aaah; aah aaah!!”

Jack peered down from the cockpit of her construction vehicle, watching Rainbow Dash as she ran in tiny little circles. Her hooves beat a faint ring in the dirt and kicked up a cloud of rust-brown dust that lingered in the air.

Hm.

She looked up at the massive command center directly next to them: the main bay was wide open to the elements, and completely devoid of crates or barrels. She turned to look at the vast horizon all around them, identical in all directions: jagged, dusty mountains under a pale blue sky.

“Aaaaah whadda we do if we don’t have any dudes and we can’t get any more and we’re so totally screwed it’s not even funny not even a little!!”

Jack cleared her throat.

“I can’t believe they just dumped me here without any dudes! They said I’d get a super-cool tank, but all I have right now is diddly-squat, and diddly just left town!!”

Jack cleared her throat, loudly. “Commander?”

Rainbow Dash fell on her back and rolled along the ground, kicking her legs in the air. “Aaaaarghle-barghle-garghle-zarghle-we’re all gonna die on a rock in the middle of nowhere and there’s nothing we can do about it! Why didn’t they cover this in the training? Whyyyy!?”

Jack opened the cockpit, extended a ladder, and climbed to the ground. She walked over to where Rainbow Dash was lying: the pegasus was lying on her side and spinning in circles by kicking her legs.

“You really oughta pull yerself together, sugarcube.”

Dash let out a strangled, panicky gurgle.

Jack leaned away slightly. “You, uh... might wanna inhale soon. Yer turning a little blue.”

She continued to flail about on the ground.

Jack rolled her eyes and strolled back into the base. “You jest lemme know when yer ready to get this shindig started.”

Jack sat in the command center’s cafeteria: a massive hall filled with long tables and benches. She lifted a mug of piping hot apple cider to her mouth and paused to inhale the aromatic steam. She closed her eyes and let out a contented sigh before taking a sip.

“Ahhh...”

She leaned back in her chair and laid a couple sheets of printer paper on the table: maps of the local terrain, gathered from the command center’s survey scanners. The data was limited to topography and weather, but it was more than enough for an experienced prospector to make an educated guess.

The very tip of Jack’s left ear twitched. She listened carefully and heard a steady, rhythmic clanging from outside... dull and distant.

She took another sip and turned back to her printouts. The clanging continued. She finally stood up, tucked the printouts into her saddlebag, and carried her mug with her. She followed the sound out of the cafeteria and into the central supply bay. She opened the main door, stepped outside, and walked to where Rainbow Dash was banging her forehead against the roof of the command center.

“Ya’ll okay, up there? Can I getcha anything?”

“We! Are! So! Totally! Screwed!”

Jack glanced over her shoulder and regarded the approaching sunset. She turned and went back inside. It’s her first day... I’ll give ’er another couple hours to adjust.

Jack sat in the command center’s supply bay, leaning against an empty crate and strumming a homemade banjo. She heard hoofsteps approaching and nudged her wide-brimmed stetson up: Rainbow Dash stared back at her, covered in bruises and dirt-stains. Her jaw was clenched tight.

“Howdy.”

Rainbow Dash cleared her throat. “So. It has come to my attention... that we are totally screwed.”

“Are we, now?”

“Yes. Yes we are.” Dash started pacing back and forth. “However, after some long and serious deliberation, I have had a periphery.”

“Epiphany,” said Jack.

“Epiphany,” said Dash. “The truth is, we ain’t got nopony to depend on but ourselves.”

“Seems so.”

“So if we’re going to get ourselves out of this disaster there’s no point in whining or procrastinating.”

“True dat.”

Dash locked eyes with her. “So. Are you ready to roll up your sleeves and do what needs to be done?”

Jack set her banjo aside and stood up, grinning proudly. “Can’t wait to get started, Commander!”

“That’s what I like to hear!” Dash passed her a long metal tube with a clumsy trigger mechanism duct-taped to the side. “Take this and follow me.”

Jack took the tube. “Wait. What?”

“If we’re going to blow up the enemy, we’ll just have to do it ourselves. Now get ready to move out!”

Jack stared at the metal tube. “What the hey is this thing?”

“Every pony will be issued a potato bazooka! I made it myself. I know it’s not much, but it’s better than nothing.”

“A potato gun. Have you lost yer marbles?”

“Potato bazooka,” she said. “We only have the one weapon so we’ll have to take turns... y’know, like a sniper team: one pony shoots and another keeps lookout. We’ll be elite potato sniper veterans! Our first mission is to locate some potatoes.”

Jack leaned away slightly. “...Though that does imply that you had any marbles to begin with.” She tossed the potato gun aside. “Listen, we—”

“Hey!” Dash ran over and scooped up the bazooka, examining the seams for signs of breakage. “That’s our only weapon! Show some respect for the equipment: A true soldier takes care of her gun the same way she takes care of her own self!”

“Y’know, we could just—”

“Respect, soldier! Respect!” Dash whirled the tube around and stood at attention. “Now repeat after me: This is my potato bazooka. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My potato bazooka is my best friend, and friendship is magi—”

“Stop it! Just stop!” Jack took her hat off and swatted Rainbow Dash on the nose several times. “Look, I’ve been waitin’ all day fer you to come to your senses, but that clearly ain’t gonna happen. We have a perfectly functionin’ construction mech sitting around collecting dust and cobwebs! I’d be out there right now if it weren’t for the fact that the SCV’s crystal harvestin’ tools won’t function without your authorization codes!”

“Construction work!?” Dash shoved her shoulder. “We don’t have time to build stuff! We need to blow up the enemy as soon as possible, before they blow us up!”

“Yes. Yes, we do.” Jack pointed out of the main bay door, gesturing to the swift-approaching nightfall. “And gatherin’ up some crystals is the very first step in that grand strategic plan.”

Dash glared at her, furious. “Hey, don’t you lecture me about strategy! You don’t know a thing about strategy! Not one thing!”

Jack crossed both sets of legs, leaning to one side. “Yeah, but at least I’m willin’ to admit it.”

“You shoulder your potato bazooka right now, soldier! If I hear one more snippy word out of you, I’ll knock you back down to corporal so fast it’ll make your head spin!”

“I’m a private. That’s one step below—”

Rainbow Dash squinted at her, intensely.

Jack opened her mouth to speak, but thought better of it. “Okay... fine. You’re the boss, Commander.”

“Dang skippy, I am. Now get ready to move out!”

“Yes’m.” Jack picked up the potato gun and held it out to her. “Permission to speak freely, ma’am?”

“Granted, I guess.”

“I bet if we carried the bazooka on the SCV, we could convert it into a combat-capable vehicle. I could be the pilot, and you could be the gunner... since yer such a crack shot and all.”

“I am?” Rainbow Dash straightened up. “I mean... yeah. Of course I am. Good idea, corporal! Get on that right away.”

“One thing first,” she said. “The operational authorization codes?”

“Right, right. I’ll go plug the numbers into the main computer. Be right back!”

Half an hour later, the pony-shaped SCV marched out of the command center and activated its hoof-mounted hover-jets. Rainbow Dash flew up and landed on the SCV’s back, which was built like the loading deck of a cargo ship. She strapped a pair of flight goggles against her forehead, used one wing to hold her makeshift taterzooka, and gazed out at the last rays of sunset.

“Gonna be dark soon,” she said. “Got any floodlights?”

Jack’s voice boomed out of the SCV’s external speakers. “Yes’m, but this cockpit has a built in night-vision filter. I can navigate just fine.”

“That’s great and all, but I’m the only one with a weapon. I can’t shoot what I can’t see. Be prepared to turn the lights on as soon as we’re attacked.”

Jack let out a half-suppressed sigh. “...Yess’m.”

Dash held on tight as the SCV picked up speed, gliding over the arid plains with an eerie silence. A minute later the sunset faded completely: The hover-boosters lit up the ground beneath them with an amber glow, but everything else was pitch black.

“How far away is the enemy zone?”

“The what?”

“The enemy zone-sector-place,” said Dash. “How much further do we have to go to reach the enemy?”

“The...? Oh, right! Yeah, the enemy. Sure. Not much further.”

“Do we know what’s there?”

“No idea. It’s probably... a patrol point. They might only visit the area once in awhile.”

“Ya mean they might not even be there? Oh, come on! Why are we even bothering!?”

“Yeah,” Jack muttered, “been wonderin’ that myself.”

“What was that?”

“Nuthin’! Nevermind. Oh, hey lookit that!” The SCV tilted to one side and changed course. “Target zone dead ahead.”

“Perfect!” Dash flew up onto the SCV’s head and hefted the taterzooka. “Turn the lights on so I can open fire!”

The SCV’s eyes flared up and two narrow beams of fluorescent light pierced the night. Dash leaned forward and squinted at something ahead: when her eyes adjusted, she saw a massive chunk of bright blue crystal growing out of the ground.

“Where’s the, uh... where’s the enemy?”

“Oh, gawsh. Looks like we got here a mite late. Better luck next time, I s’pose.”

“Late!?” Dash flew down to the ground and kicked at the dirt. “They must’ve known we were coming and ran away. Talk about sneaky.”

A shrill, metallic squeal pierced the silence. Dash let out a yelp and spun around: the SCV had reared up on its hind legs and its front hooves had transformed into tools: a shimmering drill and a giant vice-clamp. The drill was currently slicing into the side of the crystal formation, letting off a spray of incandescent sparks.

“Hey, what’re you doing?”

“Well, I mean... we’re here, right? It’d be a shame to leave it behind.”

Dash stowed her taterzooka across her back and walked over, curious. “No, I really mean it. What’re you doing over there? What are you up to?”

“What’s it look like I’m doin’?” Jack said. “I’m gatherin’ up some sweet, sweet minerals so’s we can bring’em back to base.”

“You can do that!?”

“Sure as shootin’. Mah family built a whole bunch of apple orchards from the ground up, so I know all about harvesting and building. I’ve been piloting skee-vees since I was a little filly... though this is the first time I’ve ever had the pleasure of operatin’ a fancy-schmancy deluxe model like this.”

Dash giggled. “Heh... you pilot in your skivvies?”

“Try to stay focused, commander.”

The SCV finished carving up a piece of crystal and set it on the loading platform on its back: Dash flew up and watched, rapt, as a mechanism packed the minerals away in a sealed crate.

“Whoa... that’s pretty cool.” She looked back at the remaining crystals, glittering brightly in the floodlights. “This is so weird. I’ve spent my whole life dreaming about sweet, sweet minerals, but this is the first time I’ve ever seen any up close.”

“Shiny, huh?”

“Yeah.” She stepped closer and peered at her reflection in the smooth, glassy surface. “Blue, too. Blue’s classy.”

“Heh. If you say so, ma’am.”

Dash pointed at the rest of the crystal formation. “Hey, is this a lot of minerals?”

“Not even a drop in the bucket. We’re gonna need a whole lot more than just this.”

“Really? What for?”

“Building stuff. Dudes, towers, thingies, all that.”

Dash’s left eye twitched. “You mean we coulda built some dudes all this time, if we’d just grabbed some crystals!? Why didn’t you say something sooner!?”

The SCV’s head tilted slightly, as if rolling its eyes.

Dash’s ears perked up. She spun around and scanned the pitch black shadows. “Did you hear that!?”

The SCV’s massive, plasma-tipped rock drill continued to bite into the crystal formation, echoing across the empty plains for miles in every direction. “What was that, ma’am?”

“I think there’s an enemy here!” Dash’s eyes snapped open. “Oh, man... if we don’t get these crystals we’ll never build any dudes, and then we’ll be screwed for realsies!”

“S’pose so.”

“I’ve only got three shots with this thing. Better make each one count.” Dash hefted her bazooka. “I’m gonna scout out the area for hostiles. Cover me!”

“Cover you? With what?”

“I said cover me!”

With that, Dash sprinted into the darkness. Her heart pounded, and her breath burned hot and heavy. She ran over a small hill, somersaulted behind a rock, and laid her weapon across its top. She lowered her flight goggles over her eyes, and gasped as the terrain came alive with bright green lines.

“Whoa, cool! Night vision!” She waved her hoof in front of her face, staring at the glowing scan-lines. “This’ll even the odds!”

Jack’s voice cracked through the earbud of her headset. “Are you talkin’ to me?”

“You can hear me? Even cooler!” She tapped her headset a few times. “I better go silent... don’t want the enemy to pick up on anything.”

“Yeah, sure. You just... yeah.”

Dash pressed against the boulder and slowly peered over the top. The night vision goggles were blurry, but she could still make out a large, distinct shape up ahead.

“Whoa!!” She ducked back down and tapped her headset. “I’ve made visual contact with the enemy. Target is big, lumpy, and ugly. It’s probably an alien of some sort. Some kind of xeno... morphy... dude.”

“Or it’s a boulder.”

Dash took another look, then darted back down. “Nope... it’s definitely an alien. Time to shake things up with a lightning-fast rush attack, before it can get its economy rolling: nopony expects a potato bazooka at the two minute mark!”

Dash braced the launch tube against the top of the rock and took out a long-tipped barbecue lighter. She scrunched one eye shut and locked the xenomorph in her crosshairs. The taterzooka kicked like a mule, and Dash let out a startled squeak as the recoil knocked her forward: the potato blasted out the back end of the tube and sailed through the air, splattering against the windshield of Jack’s SCV.

“What in tarnation!?”

“Oh man, oh man! Sorry! Are you okay? Talk to me, Jack! Can you make it back to base in one piece!?”

Jack activated the wipers. “I’ll be fine. Just gimme a sec.”

Dash scrambled to load a second potato into the weapon. “There’s no time! You fall back to the command center, and I’ll hold ’em off as long as I can!”

“I’m not even half full,” said Jack.

“No time!” Dash reared up and pointed the other end of the bazooka at the xenomorph. “Eat carbohydrates, alien scum! Potato away!!”

The missile streaked through the air with a shrill whistle and splattered against the alien’s thick, knobbly hide. The beast paused in the midst of chewing a mouthful of prickly shrub, then turned to look at Dash.

She offered it a feeble little wave. “Oh... hey. So.”

The animal turned towards her, let out a snort, and charged.

Dash tossed her bazooka aside and scrambled back to the SCV. “Aaaah! It’s a bug hunt, man! A freakin’ bughunt! Run for the hills! I mean the command center!”

“What is it now?”

Dash glanced back as the massive herbivore charged closer, shaking the ground with its blunt claws. Dash slid down a hill and leaped over a boulder: the beast lowered its head and smashed the boulder apart without slowing down.

Dash screamed over the comm. “It’s gainin’ on me! Do something!”

“Well whaddya expect me to—sweet mercy!”

Dash sprinted close and slipped between the SCV’s legs. The alien slammed into the side of the SCV, shoving it along without breaking pace. Jack struggled to regain her balance and managed to swing the vice clamp around the beast’s armored neck: she threw all her weight into a single heave and managed to throw the creature to the ground. It fell on its side with a loud, raspy grunt.

Jack hauled her SCV back upright. “That’s one busted bronco. You still there, commander?”

“Raaa!” Rainbow Dash leaped onto the beast and kicked its head furiously. “Aww, yeah! That’s what you get for messing with Team Dash!”

“Its just asleep, y’know.”

Dash dove off the beast and clamped onto the side of the SCV. “Don’t scare me like that!”

The SCV turned around and hovered back towards the crystal. “Come on. We’re almost done here... for now. It’s gonna take a couple trips before we can build anything useful.”

“What was that thing, anyways?”

“Rhynadon, looks like. Seen ’em around.”

“Are they... dangerous?”

“Yer kiddin’, right? They’re...” The head of the SCV turned slightly to look at her. “Oh yeah. Real dangerous. Deadly predators, y’know. We’re lucky to be alive.”

“Oh jeez, I knew it! What if there’s more of ’em? I don’t even have my bazooka anymore!”

“Oh, they don’t hunt in packs. Now that you took out the alpha leader, the others will be wary of us... for now.”

“In that case, we better take advantage of this while we can... as soon as we drop off those crystals, we’re coming right back out and grabbing some more. And we’re not going to stop harvesting until we’ve got enough to build something dangerous. Something with a gun... a big one.”

“Really?”

Dash flew ahead and hovered in front of the SCV’s head, crossing her front legs. “And I don’t care how dangerous it is, so don’t even think of arguing about it.”

The SCV nodded to her. “I guess I don’t have much choice... we’ll do it your way.”

“Darn skippy.”

The next day, just after dawn, the SCV hauled the last of the minerals into the Command center and stacked it next to several other crates. Rainbow Dash hovered nearby, holding a replacement taterzooka she’d cobbled together.

“Whoa... that’s a whole lot of minerals.” She looked at the SCV. “How much is this? Is this a lot?”

The front of the SCV opened up and Jack climbed out. “It’s a start. Most crystals grow in great big patches, but they seem to be spread pretty thin in this area... we’ll have to scout around for more.” She went to a control panel by the wall and began pulling switches. A huge crane lowered from the ceiling, picked up one of the crates, and carried it to a hatch in the wall.

Dash hovered over her shoulder. “Whatcha doin’, huh? Aren’t you gonna tell me what’s goin’ on?”

Jack grinned at her. “I can do better’n tell ya. Follow me!”

She led her to a nearby side room and turned the lights on: the entire back wall of the room was made up of a series of giant machines. Dash watched as chunks of crystal fell into a giant grinder, were crushed to gravel, and dumped into a giant rotating cylinder. Jack pushed a big button and a row of gas torches lit up beneath the cylinder.

“Whoa... a refinery?”

“Refineries are for chemicals,” said Jack. “Technically, this is a foundry.”

Dash walked to the end of the giant cylinder and watched as a gelatinous blue goo oozed out a nozzle and filled up a barrel. “What the heck? I thought we were harvesting minerals. This is just... goo.”

“The crystals you see growing outside have all sorts of trace elements in ’em... but this goo is the only part we need.”

“Whoa... what is it made of?”

“Sugar,” Jack said.

Dash glanced back at her. “...Sugar?”

“Eyup. Pure, concentrated sugar.” Jack tapped a few buttons and threw a switch. “The unique ionic properties of the sugar atom make it an extremely flexible element: if you cook it at just the right temperature and apply just the right electrical charge, the sugar atoms fuse into long chains of hyper-carbon nano-tubules. Nearly indestructible, but light as plastic. It’s also a little malleable: it doesn’t shatter or snap under pressure, and it’s super-easy to repair. Just warm it up, spackle on a fresh layer of sugar gel, and it’ll fuse together good as new. It’s pretty much the key ingredient of every piece of military or industrial hardware in the galaxy.”

“Whoa...” Rainbow Dash watched as the barrels of liquidized hyper-sugar rolled down an assembly line and disappeared into a hatch in the wall. “So does this mean we can build tanks?”

Jack cleared her throat. “Well... it may be the key ingredient, but it’s not the only one. To build anything really advanced we’ll need to harvest some vespene.”

Dash looked up at her. “What’s that?”

Jack smiled at her. “One thing at a time, chief. Don’t worry... I’ve got a little something we can use in the meantime. First, though, I need to build a logistical pastry depot.”

Dash tilted her head. “A what?”

“It’s a kind of ‘thingy’.” Jack slapped her on the back and pointed up. “Just head on up to the central control room. I’ll walk you through it from there.”

“Right... right!” Dash ran across the room and out the exit. She spun around and peeked back through the door. “But I’m still the base commander, got it? Don’t get any funny ideas.”

She nodded. “Ah’course you are, ma’am.”

“Cool.”

Rainbow Dash burst into the command center’s main control bridge and flew to the commander’s seat: a heavily reinforced chair that bristled with panels and levers. She strapped herself in and kicked a pedal, and the chair rotated a hundred-and-eighty degrees. Monitors and screens lowered down from the ceiling—each suspended by a spindly robotic arm—and formed a ring all around her. Streams of data and information flashed across every surface.

She tapped the side of her headset. “Hey, anypony there?”

A voice crackled over the loudspeaker. “Yes ma’am. SCV, reportin’ fer duty!”

“Right. Cool. So. How do I... do the... stuff? With the thingy?”

“It’s easy as apple pie, ma’am. D’you see me on your map view?”

She glanced around at the various screens. “Map view? What map view?”

“There should be a great big map of the area. At least, there used to be... the new command center might have a different interface.”

“Map. Map, map, map...” She kicked a pedal and spun the chair around full circle, several times. Her eyes locked on one of the monitors: the only screen with a picture on it. “Woo! Got it! There’s a map here. It’s mostly black, but theres a tiny little blob of brown.”

“I guess that’s it. Can you see me?”

“I see a... hold on.” Dash pushed a button on her seat and the monitor moved up close. She leaned forward, squinting, until her face was nearly pressed against the glass. “I see a blue dot. Aaaaaand... a littler blue dot. Wow, this sucks.”

“I guess it’s all you got. Okay. The big dot is probably the command center, and the little dot is probably my SCV. Click on the little dot to select me.”

Dash took out a sleek, grey remote control and aimed the laser pointer at the dot. She clicked a button several times, with no results. She reached out and tapped her hoof against the dot. “Click. Click, darnit!”

“Is it working?”

“It’s not... it’s not clicking, darn it!” She pushed the end of the remote control right up against the glass screen. “Oh, come on! This is getting stupid!”

Something in the room bleeped. Dash shoved the screen aside and looked at another monitor, currently showing a pair of green icons.

“Okay, there we go.” Dash pulled the monitor in close and squinted at the icons. “We’ve got a little picture of the command center, and another little picture of your robo-dude.”

“It looks like you selected both at the same time,” said Jack. “Just click on my icon, and it should select only me.”

Dash aimed the remote’s laser at the icon and clicked a button. The screen filled up with a wireframe schematic of the SCV on one side and a long list of statistical data on the other.

“Kay, got it. Now what?” Dash glanced around, and let out an excited squeak. “Hey, there’s buttons and stuff! Check it out!”

“Good, perfect! Now pay very close attention, and do exactly as I say.”

Dash nodded. “Right, right.”

“There should be a button labeled ‘Basic Structures’. Click it once.”

Dash pointed the remote control at the button on the screen, and clicked a button. “Whoa... there’s even more buttons now.”

“Each button is a different kind of ‘thingy’ you can build. One of ’em should be labeled ‘Pastry Depot.’ Click it.”

“Done. Now what?”

“Now that you’ve got the Pastry Depot selected, you can click on the map. That’ll send me a message telling me where to build it.”

Rainbow Dash grabbed the map screen and pulled it close, squinting. “Where, uh...”

“Anywhere is fine. Just click anywhere near the command center.”

Dash pointed the remote and clicked a button, and a loud buzz played over the intercom. “Aaaah! What’d I do? I swear it wasn’t me!”

“It’s okay, Dash. Calm down. Nothing’s wrong.”

“So... did it work? Are you building a thingy?”

“That’s a negatory,” said Jack. “It’s blocked. Just keep clicking until it works.”

Dash clicked repeatedly, producing a series of abrasive buzzing sounds. She finally pressed the remote directly against the screen, held the button down and dragged it around in little circles. Eventually, the intercom played an affirmative bleep.

“Well, butter mah buscuit!” Jack said, “You’re a pretty quick learner, ain’cha?”

“Well I do have a pretty good teacher, don’t I?”

“Aw, shucks.”

Dash grinned at the map screen. “But hey. I’m still the boss, got it?”

“As y’say, ma’am. As y’say.”

Dash leaned back in her chair with a sigh, but froze as she looked up. The domed ceiling of the main control bridge was one giant panoramic screen, lit up by an array of holographic projectors... it generated a perfect scale model of the planet’s surface, alive with color and motion. There was depth to it: rolling plains and rocky cliffsides stood out sharply. Even the command center itself, resting in the middle of a rocky plains, was a three-dimensional color-coded object. The detail was insane... she could see every shrub and bush, and even the individual armor plates on the side of the command center.

Dash stared up at the massive holomap, awestruck. Her chair reclined fully and her wings twitched with the raw instinct of flight. She half expected to fall up and into the scenery, plunging through the wispy cloud layer and into the real world.

“Unbelievable...!” she whispered.

Jack’s voice crackled over the intercom. “Sorry, ma’am. Didn’t quite catch that.”

Dash’s eyes flicked to the holographic image of Jack’s SCV. She reached her hoof out and swept it to the left, and the panoramic view scrolled to the side and zoomed in slightly. The lone construction vehicle had just finished building a metal gantry and was busy excavating earth and soil to make way for thick metal plates. Dash pointed at the gantry with her hoof, and a glowing green outline lit up the structure. One of the spindly-armed view screens moved into her field of view and displayed a full list of statistical data.

“Pastry Depot... construction requires one hundred units of minerals, and forty standard galactic seconds. Provides an additional eight metric units of pastry-related logistical upkeep and supply for all forms of military-industrial crew. Includes minimal armor plating, and can continue functioning after suffering up to 500 hit-points of structural damage.”

“...Dash? What’re you up to?”

“You’re not gonna believe what I just...” Dash’s smile faded. She waved a hoof at the screen and the view zoomed in slightly. “Wait a second... what’re all those little grey dots?”

“Grey dots? Whaddya mean?”

“Computer?” Dash said, “enhancificate the viewerizational screen-ummy-jig.”

The projected hologram sharpened. Dash’s eyes widened as she saw a massive horde of huge, lumpy xenomorphs surrounding the command center.

“Aaaaaah!” Dash slammed her hoof against a big red button on the chair’s control panel. The command center’s interior lights flashed bright red, and alarms and sirens blared out of every loudspeaker. “Our base is under attack! It’s an all-out invasion! Everypony, retreat to the command center immediately!”

“What in tarnation are you talkin’ about?”

“No time! There’s hundreds of them!” Dash pointed at the holographic representation of Jack’s SCV and issued it an order to enter the command center. “Get inside right now: we gotta close the doors before they get inside!”

“But the pastry depot—”

“Forget it! Cancel construction immediately!”

“I can’t,” said Jack. “It’s already finished.”

Dash watched as the SCV loaded itself into the safety of the command center. Her eyes settled on the lone pastry depot, cut off and vulnerable. A drop of sweat trickled down her brow. “Damn you filthy Rhynadons... damn you for making me do this!” She selected the depot and—without a moment’s hesitation—triggered the self-destruct mechanism. She stood up and issued a solemn salute as the structure blasted apart in a plume of wreckage and fire.

Jack kicked the door open and stormed into the main control bridge. “What the hey is wrong with you!?”

“No time to explain!” Dash pointed up. “We’ve got a massive army of Rhynadons right on our front doorstep! If we don’t do something right now, we’re both toast!”

Jack took her heat off and threw it on the floor. “Are you completely off yer rocker!? They’re totally, utterly, absolutely harmless!”

Outside, the herd of Rhynadons gathered around the edge of the command center’s exhaust vent. They took turns rubbing their armored hides against the heavy grating in an attempt to scrape off dirt and mud. They chewed on several nearby prickly shrubs, devouring the thorny plants at a bored and tedious pace.

A big, plump insect buzzed through the air, flying little circles over one of the rhynadons. The beast’s ear twitched. The fly zipped away for a moment, then hovered closer and landed on its ear. The rhynadon shook its head and let out a grunt, but the fly returned momentarily. The Rhynadon paused mid-chew and glared directly ahead.

The beast’s blunt tail whipped out and splattered the insect against the side of the command center, inadvertently crumpling a delicate weather-detection device. It let out a satisfied snort and returned to its meal.

A siren blasted through the command center’s intercom, momentary drowning out all the other sirens. A calm, robotic voice played over the loudspeakers. “Warning: Our base is under attack. System diagnostic reports 0.02 Hit Points of damage to tertiary sensor array.”

Rainbow Dash stamped her hoof on the floor. “Now do you believe me!?”

Jack stared up at the holo-display and scanned the vast herd of aliens. “Under attack!? But... but that’s impossible! They’re just herbivores!”

Dash glared at her. “Herbivores, eh? We’ll discuss your faulty intelligence at a later date. Right now, our only concern is to get out of this warzone alive!”

“Faulty intelligence!?” Jack sputtered, “I was only tryin’ to... I mean, I wasn’t... Don’t you call me a liar!”

“I said we’ll talk about it later! It doesn’t matter now!” She pointed at a nearby monitor. “According to this, we still have a hundred and forty minerals stowed on board. Is that enough to build weapons and stuff?”

Jack bit her lower lip. “Yeah, but we’d need a barracks or a factory for that! All we can build now are SCVs!”

“Aaaargh!” Dash ran around the room, frantically. “There’s only one thing to do: start pushing buttons!”

Jack glanced at the various nearby consoles. “W-w-which one!?”

“All of ’em, as fast as you can! Panic! Go nuts! Freak out! Mash dem buttons!!”

After a moment’s hesitation, Jack ran to the nearest control panel and began pushing buttons at random. Lights turned on and off. Doors opened and closed. Radio stations played randomly over the intercom. A massive sensor array on the roof of the building extended and retracted. A calm, robotic voice began reading off the ingredients for spinach quiche.

“It’s no good,” shouted Rainbow Dash. “Mash ’em faster!”

Jack darted around the room in a flurry. “That’s all of ’em! There’s no more buttons left!”

“What? No! Never give up!” Dash slammed her hoof against the wall in frustration. “There’s gotta be a button here somewhere that’ll fix everything!”

Jack looked up, and gasped. “Hey, look! There’s more control panels on the walls up there! Think you could fly up there?”

Dash flew up and resumed mashing, but paused when her eyes caught sight of a familiar console. “No way... I’ve seen one of these things before!”

“Seen what? What does it do!?”

Dash flew over and activated the console. “It’s a flight control system for a vertol hovercraft. I used to be a pilot myself, back in the day.”

“Flight control!? That’s crazy! We’re in a building!”

“Sometimes, crazy works. Hold on to something!”

Rainbow Dash grabbed a pair of control sticks and heaved with all her strength. The building shuddered violently, and a completely different set of alarms blasted through the speakers.

Jack stared at the floor in shock. “W-w-what’s goin’ on!? Whoaaa!”

The command center tilted to one side. Jack slid across the floor and slammed against the wall. She clamped her legs around a nearby set of heavy pipes and scrunched her eyes shut.

The herd of Rhynadons looked up lazily as massive jets of fire blasted from underneath the command center. The structure slowly lifted into the air and its supporting struts folded up and out of sight. The external speakers belted out a piece of orchestral rock-opera with a chorus of voices singing in latin. Rainbow Dash’s voice could barely be heard over the music, laughing triumphantly.

The herbivores paused in their chewing and gazed up, emotionlessly, as the massive structure loomed overhead and levitated towards the sunset. One of the Rhynadons went slack-jawed, dropping a mouthful of cud in the process.

“Wooooo! Ya like that, huh? Do ya? Try and get us now, you big ugly lumps!” Dash swiveled the controls sideways, and the command center banked sharply to one side. “Evasive maneuvers! Wooo!”

Jack stared out the windows, slack jawed and bug-eyed. She finally let go of the pipes and made her way across the bridge, desperately trying not to slip on the gently tilting surface. She looked up at Rainbow Dash and waved at her. “This thing can fly!?”

“Guess so! Cool, huh?”

“Buildings ain’t supposed to fly!”

“Dirt pony buildings, maybe,” she said, “but pegasus have been building hover-platforms for as long as we can remember. We keep our cities way up high, so we can hide ’em in the clouds. Pretty cool, huh?”

Jack looked around. “But this is a Dirt Pony command center!”

“Well I guess we must’ve given you a couple suggestions, then.” Dash grinned down at her. “At least we’re alive! You can complain about anything, can’t you?”

“Yeee-haw!” Jack tossed her hat in the air, grinning broadly. “This changes everything! All we have to do is land this building right next to some minerals, mine ’em all up in a matter of hours, and move on to the next bunch! Why didn’t you tell me about this before!?”

Dash looked away. “...Actually, I didn’t know about it. I guess I got lucky.”

Jack smiled at her. “Well I guess you turned out to be good for something after all. Was wonderin’ how long it would take!”

Rainbow Dash laughed, and Jack joined in. After a minute or so, Dash set the autopilot control and landed on the floor. “Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“I, uh...” She rubbed one knee against the inside of her leg. “Am I really the commander? I mean... I don’t really know a whole lot about—”

Jack gave her a stiff salute. “It’s been an honor.”

“You really mean that? You’re not just trying to make me feel better?”

“Well... maybe I was before. Sorry for that. But something tells me you got a real knack for this sort of thing. Sorry I doubted you.”

“Yeah, but you’re the one with a talent for actually building stuff. Sorry I didn’t listen to you before.” She held her hoof out. “Friends?”

Jack clapped her own hoof against hers, still smiling. “To the very end.”