• Published 15th Dec 2013
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My Little Starcraft: Friendly Fire is Magic - DuncanR



Once upon a time, in a galaxy called Equestria, three races battled for dominance... with giant spaceships! Pew pew!

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D04: Mare Sara... just add water

~ One year later ~

New Dirtonis, as colony planets went, was a rugged and unforgiving environment: the vast majority of its surface was arid plains and craggy mountains. There were no seas or oceans, and precious few lakes and rivers. The only two kinds of weather were sandstorms and smog. The only vegetation to speak of was sparse, prickly shrub. None of the local lifeforms were edible to the colonists, and the atmosphere was too thin for unprotected travel. The colonists had managed to crash several icy comets into the planet’s surface, adding precious water to the environment, but even these massive engineering projects had produced no noticeable effects. Scientists had insisted, publicly, that any form of terraforming would take several generations to complete. If the populace were angered by the apparent waste of time and effort, they were too weary and disheartened to revolt.

New Dirtonis’ capital city—still unnamed, as it was the only major city—was comprised entirely of environmentally sealed structures connected by a web of underground tunnels and highways. The environment wasn’t toxic, per se, but fresh oxygen and ideal air-pressure were costly to maintain. Although the buildings were structurally sound, they all looked faded and corroded: even brand new buildings tended to look scoured and patchwork by the time their construction was finalized.

The central structure, the command center itself, was the heart and brain of the colony. The place was always teeming with government officials and engineering technicians, but today was even busier than usual: the doors of the strategic briefing auditorium had been thrown open to the public. Ponies from all across the city now crowded into the massive hall video feeds ensured that the momentous event would be viewed by all.

The main lights dimmed and the noise from the crowd settled down immediately. Floodlights lit up the main presentation area, and the crowd watched as Chancellor Pinkie Pie entered the stage: she bounced along cheerfully, throwing presents and hoof-fulls of confetti into the crowd. She came to the central podium at last and leaned in front of the microphone.

“Heya, ponies! I just hopped back from our top-secret orbital research station, and boy are my hooves tired!” Pinkie Pie smiled at the audience. “Hey, just kidding! Actually, the station’s real purpose is to invent top secret new ships or the Confettiracy! While I was visiting, I had the honor of being transported by a special new dropship they came up with: it has an emergency medical facility built right into it, to keep our troops healthy. They’re calling it a ‘medivac’, and they asked me if I liked the design... y’know what I told ’em? I never medivac I didn’t like!”

She paused for a moment, grinning. The ramshackle crowd of burly, grizzled ponies remained quiet.

Pinkie Pie took the microphone off its stand and walked across the stage at a leisurely pace. “Seriously, folks, I learned a lot of interesting stuff while I was surveying all the new secret projects and upgrades being developed. Our scientists spend most of their time building cool new guns and bombs and stuff, but there’s other stuff too... civilian stuff. Stuff we can use to improve our medicine and industry and all that. I got to know the medivac pilot really well—great mare, great mare. We’re great friends. She’s thinking of retiring after the project is finished, and maybe becoming a scientist herself someday. She has a lot of experience as a battlefield medic, so you know what she wants to study?”

The loudspeakers played a recording of a drum roll, followed by a cymbal crash.

“Marine biology!”

Several seconds of silence passed. Somepony in the audience coughed.

Pinkie Pie slammed a hoof on the floor and the back wall of the stage flickered to life with a giant holographic projection: images of a massive military vessel loomed over the crowd and fast-paced patriotic techno-music boomed over the loudspeakers.

“I know what you ponies really came here for,” Pinkie Pie said, “and here it is! The very first super-ultra battlecruiser ever constructed: the DSS Terpsichore! Bristling with heavy burst lasers, dozens of anti-air chainguns, and the absolutely devastating Naginata plasma super-blaster, this is one spaceship that says: ‘look out, universe! If you don’t get out of my way right now, I won’t have to turn slightly to the side to blow you up!’ ”

The crowd cheered loudly enough to drown out the music, and the floor thundered with stamping hooves. Pinkie Pie waved at the crowd, taking the time to bask in the attention. It took several minutes for the audience to settle down.

“Now maybe you look at this thing and say, ‘dang, Pinkie! that’s a whole lot of guns, and nothing else.’ But you’d be wrong! The battlecruiser also has enough support systems to keep a thousand ponies safe and comfy, through even the longest deep-space voyage! It’s got huge cargo holds for storing raw materials, and internal factories that can make awesome tanks and guns! It’s everything you need to start a war!”

The holo-display switched to a slideshow presentation: a simple wireframe animation of the battlecruiser landing on a planet and building a progressively larger base of operations. The crowd oohed and aahed.

“Now I know what you’re thinking, guys and gals... you’re thinking: ‘Pinkie Pie? How can I get me summa ’dat?’ Well I’m gonna tell you right now! The Confettiracy’s great military geniuses have decided that if we want to step up the pace on the War on Space, we’re gonna need like a zillion of these things... and that means sweet, sweet minerals! The time has come, my ponies, for us to build new colonies. And we need your help!”

She waved a remote control at the screen and brought up a star-map of the local area.

“The New Dirtonis Space-Navy is now recruiting ponies to help expand our borders! We’re asking for the best of the best of the best to step forward and become the proud new owner of your very own planet!”

Pinkie Pie leaned against the side of her podium. “Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘Pinkie Pie, I’m not nearly brave or tough or awesome enough to become a base Commander—”

A rainbow-maned pegasus, significantly smaller than her comrades, bounced up from the crowd and waved her hooves in the air. “I’m not! I’m totally not thinking that!”

“—But don’t give up hope! With the help of Chancellor Pinkie Pie’s elite fast-track military training, you too can become a brilliant strategic leader! Most military academies require ten years of advanced training, but if you volunteer for this special operation we guarantee you’ll be promoted to the rank of Elite Planetary War-Battler in minutes... nay, seconds!”

The rainbow-maned pegasus began shoving her way through the crowd. “Pick-me-pick-me-pick-me!!”

Pinkie Pie pointed at the crowd. “Okay now, I’m gonna need a volunteer. How about... you?”

One of the grizzled stallions in the front row—rippling with muscles and covered with scars—opened his mouth to speak, but the rainbow-maned pegasus slammed a hoof against his face and sent him tumbling backwards. “Mememe!”

“Sounds like we got a pony with spirit! Get on up here!”

The pegasus flew up onto the stage and waved at the crowd, smiling giddily. Pinkie Pie held the microphone towards her. “Hey there! Why don’t you tell us a little something about yourself?”

“Hi, everypony! My name is Rainb—”

Pinkie Pie pulled the microphone back. “That’s great! Now just follow along, and I’ll show you all of Chancellor Pinkie Pie’s super secret strategies for Elite Planetary War-Battlers!”

Pinkie Pie hugged Rainbow Dash around the neck and pulled her to one side of the stage. She went back to the podium and tapped at the controls: the main display screen went blank.

“First, we need to explain the fundamental rules of planetary war-battle engagements. Rule number one is: don’t get blow’d up!” A diagram of a Dirt Pony space marine appeared on the main screen. “Our scientists have discovered a powerful energy field that sustains all living things... we call this phenomenon ‘hit points.’ When your bod gets shot with bullets and lasers, your hit-points go flying off into space—along with your blood and organs and stuff. Scientists have discovered that getting blown up is a direct consequence of having lost all your precious hit points. Always remember to protect your vital hit points as if your life depended on it! Unless you’re standing next to something even more expensive than you. Then, try to protect its vital hit-points as if your life depended on it. Seriously, that stuff’s pricey.”

Pinkie Pie tapped the remote control and the screen went blank again.

“That’s it for rules. Next we need to explain the various objects you may encounter while war-battling. The first object is: Dudes!” Pinkie Pie pointed a remote control at the screen, and a line of text swished into view. “The ‘Dude’—sometimes referred to as the ‘Metric Dude’—is the fundamental unit of war. Remember: If it moves around and shoots the other guy, it’s a dude.”

Rainbow Dash stared up at the screen. “Should I be writing this down?”

“No worries!” Pinkie Pie said, “this training method is so effective we’re giving you the final exam before the lesson is even over! Now pay careful attention.” Pinkie Pie clicked the remote, and three black-and-white silhouettes appeared on the screen: a cute little puppy, a potted plant, and a CF/A-17 ‘Wraith’ space superiority fighter. “Now. Can you tell me which of these is a ‘dude’?”

Rainbow Dash’s eyes flicked between each of the silhouettes rapidly. “Okay. So. Dudes can move around... and they shoot the other guy.”

“Clock’s ticking!”

The audience hushed for a moment, then began chanting out suggestions: ‘the puppy, the puppy!’

Rainbow Dash pointed at the screen. “I’m, uh... I’m gonna go with the Wraith.”

Pinkie Pie locked eyes with her. “Is that your final answer?”

“...Yes.”

“You’re absolutely correct!”

Rainbow Dash reared up. “Woo!”

“Always remember that the ‘Dude’ is the fundamental unit of war! In order to win a planetary war-battle, you have to send your dudes over to the other guy and blow him up! It’s important to remember that dudes do not have great big sacks of hit-points, so you’ll need to build a whole bunch of ’em.” Pinkie Pie clicked the remote, and the images disappeared. “There are two more objects you may encounter: the second is the ‘Tower’, and the third is the ‘Thingy’. They definitely have great big sacks of hit-points, but neither of them can move around at all.”

Two pictures appeared on the screen: a stationary artillery cannon, and a command center.

“The object on the left is a ‘Tower’: it shoots the other guy, but can’t move around. Why would you ever build these things? Because the other guy also has dudes, and sometimes they’ll come over and try and blow you up!”

The crowd gasped.

“I know, I know... war is complicated. Anyways. The other object is a ‘Thingy,’ and they don’t move around or shoot the other guy. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: “Pinkie Pie, why would I ever build a thingy? They’re a complete waste of time!’ Well it turns out that Thingies allow you to build more dudes, and better dudes... sometimes referred to as ‘more-better’ dudes. You’ll have to build at least a few thingies whether you like it or not, but don’t go too crazy with ’em.”

The screen went blank again, and three new silhouettes appeared.

“Now for the second part of your exam. Can you tell me what kind of object each of these is?”

Dash looked up at the silhouettes, stroking her chin. “Okay. Yeah. That’s a missile turret, which... doesn’t move around... but does shoot the other guy. So it’s a Tower.”

A loud ding played over the loudspeakers. “That’s one!” said Pinkie Pie.

“That one is a barracks. It doesn’t move around, or shoot the other guy. So... I’m gonna say ‘Thingy’.”

Another ding. “That’s two! You’re more than halfway done!”

Dash hopped in place. “Okay. That one is a Dirt Pony space marine: it can walk around, and it carries a heavy battle-rifle. So it’s gotta be a dude!”

A series of rapid dings played over the intercom, and Pinkie Pie hopped over to her. “That’s absolutely correct! Amazing! Now, it’s time for the bonus round. For the third and final part of your exam, can you tell me... what this is?” She pointed the remote up, and a picture of a bunker appeared on the screen. Thoughtful yet urgent music played over the speakers, accompanied by the sound of a ticking clock.

Rainbow Dash bit her lower lip, and a bead of sweat dripped down her forehead. “Okay. Okay. It’s a bunker, and bunkers... don’t move around. If it doesn’t move around, it can’t be a ‘Dude.’ But...”

“Time’s half up!”

Dash glanced back at the crowd, then at Pinkie Pie. “Excuse me, Chancellor, but... there’s gotta be some sort of mistake!”

Pinkie Pie gasped, and the music stopped with a jarring scratch. “Mistake? Whaddya mean!?”

“Well, you see, a bunker doesn’t shoot the other guy unless there’s dudes inside of it. It could be a Tower, but if you took the dudes out it’d just be a thingy again. It can be both.”

A burst of exciting music blared through the hall, and clouds of confetti fell down from the top of the stage. Pinkie Pie grabbed Rainbow Dash and hugged her tight. “That’s absolutely correct!”

“It... it was!?”

“It means you’re actually thinking with the inside of your brain instead of just memorizing a bunch of facts and words! You’re obviously prime, strategic material!” Pinkie Pie stepped close and her voice softened. “Now, before we go on, there’s something important I have to show you. Something very special.”

Dash glanced around the stage. “Really? What? What is it?”

“Dash my boy—

“I’m a mare.”

“No-you’re-not. Now Dash, my boy, you know I always love to give away one of these... a brand new tank!”

The crowd cheered louder than ever as the back wall of the stage lifted up like a curtain, revealing a massive armored vehicle with a pair of main cannons. The vehicle was sitting on a raised, circular stage of it’s own that rotated in place: the shiny armor plating glittered in the floodlights.

“Thaaat’s right!” Pinkie Pie said, “the brand new AAV-5 ‘Arclite’ siege unit is a main battle tank with the heaviest firepower and armor plating ever developed! Fully enclosed and sealed, the Arclite is capable of operating in any hazardous terrain, from super-dense acid rain to the cold, hard vacuum of space! Nominally armed with a pair of 80 millimeter PPG-7 plasma cannons, and standard air-conditioning and targeting electronics, the Arclite seats three in comfort and style!”

Rainbow Dash let out a piercing squeal. “Oh-mi-gosh oh-mi-gosh oh-mi-gosh!”

“But that’s not all!”

The crowd gasped as the tank sprang to life: a pair of heavy struts extended from each side of the chassis and the dual cannons folded back. A single barrel, heavy and wide, lifted up and swiveled around to face the crowd.

Rainbow Dash stared, slack-jawed. “No way!”

“Yes way!” said Pinkie Pie. “Because you passed the bonus round, you’ve proven you can handle advanced military technology: dudes that turn into towers! By clamping itself into a fixed location, the Arclite can also deploy a massive 120 millimeter Shock Cannon capable of bombarding enemy targets from extreme range! Whether you want to protect your own base from invasion or shatter an unbreakable defensive line, the Siege tank fulfills all your artillery needs!”

Dash pointed at the tank. “Is that mine? Like, can I drive it around and everything?”

“Sorry, Dash, but this one is just for display. It doesn’t actually have any real weapons on it.”

The shock cannon let out a deafening blast of streamers and confetti, and a smattering of individually wrapped candy products and party noisemakers sprayed into the audience.

Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes and touched the tip of her hoof to the corner of her mouth. “Oopsie! Did I do that?”

A ripple of laughter rolled back.

“Seriously though,” she said, “before I pass over the keys there’s just one more thing you need to do. Are you ready?”

Dash jumped in place, eagerly. “I was born ready! Bring it on!”

Pinkie Pie pointed at the far end of the stage just as a stallion in a tuxedo pushed a large colorful wheel towards them: the circle was propped upright, and its surface was divided into a hundred narrow little pie-slices, each with a different label.

“Before we promote you to Commander and give you your very own Arclite tank, we need to find out where you’ll be deployed. Just give the ‘wheel of planets’ a spin, and all this will be yours!”

Dash approached the wheel, staring at the hundreds of different planets, moons and asteroid fields listed across its surface. She took a deep breath, spit on her hooves, and gave the wheel a mighty pull. The pegs along the circumference clicked against a plastic pointer fixed to the edge. Dash clenched her jaw as the names blurred past. The audience leaned forward, rapt.

The contraption decelerated, ever so gradually, and the clicks became less rapid. The plastic pointer leaned against one last peg, and the wheel came to a halt.

“Okay, let’s see what we got here...” Pinkie Pie ran over and examined the wheel. “Very interesting. It looks like you’ve won the planet ‘Mare Sara!’ It’s a pretty rough place, but it’s also rich in sweet, sweet minerals! Congratulations!”

The stallion in the tuxedo walked over, passed Rainbow Dash a fancy looking diploma, and placed a glittery tiara on her forehead. Dash giggled like a school-filly and waved at the crowd.

“Your mission,” said Pinkie Pie, “is to travel to Mare Sara and build a kick-ass military base! Once you’ve constructed your very own Battlecruiser, all you have to do is fly it back here and your mission will be complete. You’ll spend seven luxurious days being transported by the DSS Terpsichore, and will be provided with your very own Command Center. Everything else is up to you! Do you have what it takes to conquer a planet?”

Rainbow Dash gave her a crisp salute. “You can count on me, Chancellor!”

“That’s what I like to hear!” Pinkie Pie turned to the crowd with a broad smile. “That concludes this advanced strategic training session. Congratulations, everypony! Form a line by the wheel and take turns giving it a spin, but remember that supply is limited: first come, first serve. Once you have your assignment, wait over by the copy-machine to receive your diploma in ‘Elite Planetary War-Battling’. When you sign on the line, be sure to print your name in clear block letters. And don’t steal any of the crayons, either! I put exactly twelve of them in the mug this morning and I expect there to be twelve by the end of the day. Don’t make me count them.”

~ One week later ~

Rainbow Dash clenched her teeth, scrunched her eyes shut, and pressed back against her chair. Her recently-constructed command center rumbled violently around her, but the chair’s heavy harness kept her secure. Buildings very rarely shook this violently, but most buildings weren’t designed to survive atmospheric entry. The Dirt Pony command center, of course, was not ‘most buildings’.

There was one final impact, followed by utter silence. Dash pried one eyelid open and glanced around: the computer terminals were slowly blinking to life and the dim red emergency lamps were giving way to bright fluorescent lighting.

“Hey!” she shouted, “are we there yet?”

A nearby speaker crackled, and a stern voice came through. “This is the DSS Terpsichore. We have successfully dropped your command center on the surface of Mare Sara and are detaching the towing cables now. Readouts show green across the board, but you should have your chief engineer do a full diagnostic just in case.”

“Right... right.” Rainbow Dash looked around the empty command room. “So when can I drive that tank around?”

“The schematics for the Arclite Siege tank have been loaded into your engineering database.”

“Schematics!? What the heck am I supposed to do with those?”

The voice continued, terse. “If you want a tank, you’ll have to build it yourself. I’d suggest you get started as soon as possible. Terpsichore out.”

“Hey, wait a sec!” She jabbed at the buttons on her arm-rest as rapidly as she could. “How do I build it? How do I... hey! Can you hear me?”

Rainbow Dash unclasped her seat harness, flew to the nearest sealed door and threw it open. She rushed outside and stood on a ringed balcony built on top of the command center’s domed roof. She looked up and waved at the battlecruiser above.

“Heeeey! How do I freakin’ build stuff!?”

The vessel tilted up and passed through the upper cloud layer, eventually vanishing into the distance.

She took in a deep breath, then let out a long sigh. Okay... don’t forget your training. You can do this. First thing first: gather some intel and take stock of the situation.

She gazed out at the arid, earthy plains that stretched on for miles in all directions. There were a few small rivers and lakes in the distance, and sparse patches of prickly scrub.

Wow. A brand new planet, all to myself. So new and exciting! Her smile faltered. Actually, it looks pretty much the same as New Dirtonis. But it’s still mine! That’s gotta count for something.

She leaned against the railing and cupped her hooves to her mouth. “Helloooo? Anypony out there?”

She spent a minute listening to the gentle whistle of wind and the faint buzzing of insects.

“Oh... kay then.”

She went back inside, leaving the door half-open behind her, and began exploring the command center. She strolled through the cramped industrial corridors and poked her head into every room she passed: most of them were empty, though a few were packed full of dedicated factory equipment or power generators. She went into one of the rooms—chosen completely at random—and began poking control panels. Nothing seemed to be active.

“Oughta be a tutorial or something,” she said. “How do they expect me to—”

She froze in place as mechanical sounds echoed through the walls. She scrambled into the corridor and followed the noise, and came at last to a cavernous storage bay in the heart of the command center. A massive garage door on the other side of the bay was opening up and folding against the roof. A single pony stood at the foot of the entrance, her silhouette clear against the planet’s horizon.

“Hey, you!” shouted Dash.

The pony turned and waved at her.

“Whaaaat?”

A faint voice echoed back.

“Whaaat?”

The pony waved again.

“Hold on!” Rainbow Dash spread her wings and flew across the bay, landing in front of her: she was a bright orange dirt pony with a pale blond ponytail and bright green eyes. She was dressed in baggy cargo pants and a lightly armored vest, and had a shovel leaning against her shoulder.

“Howdy there,” she said. “Pleased to meet’cha!”

“Yeah, yeah. Sure.” Dash glanced around the empty bay. “So, what are you doing here? What’s going on?”

“Mah friends jes’ call me Jack,” she said. “I’m chief engineer of this here base.”

“Chief...?” Dash hovered in the air and glared down at her. “There’s only one chief, and that’s me. I’m in charge!”

“Hey, you’re the base commander, ain’tcha?” Jack smiled and held her hoof out. “Well, I can’t wait to get started on—”

Rainbow Dash slapped her hoof aside. “Oh no you don’t! If we’re gonna work together, we need to get one thing straight from the start: I’m the chief. I wanna hear you say it.”

“But—”

Dash shoved her face against hers. “Say it!”

Jack rolled her eyes. “Whatever you say, chief.”

“Darn right!” Dash paced back and forth in front of her, marching briskly. “Now that we’ve landed, it’s up to us to conquer this planet and build a giant army of tanks and battlecruisers and stuff. Do you think you’re up to the task?”

Jack nodded. “W—”

Dash spun around and pointed a hoof at her nose. “Well I sure am, and I’m not going to let some loser rookie hold me back! If you want to be a part of ‘Team Dash’, you gotta prove you’re good enough!”

Jack frowned slightly. “Say... have we met before? You seem kinda familiar.”

“Stop avoiding the issue!” Dash slammed a hoof against the floor. “I want you to show me what you can do... and I’d better be impressed!”

“Yes Ma’am!” Jack gave her a quick salute. “Just give me a moment to suit up and I’ll be ready for action!”

She ran across the bay at a full gallop and went into a side room. Dash watched the door patiently, and an disturbingly loud mixture of mechanical sounds and abrasive alarms echoed back. A minute later, a section of the wall opened wide and a huge, pony-shaped robot entered the bay: it hovered through the bay via a set of hoof-mounted thrusters, exited the command center, and landed on the ground with a thud. It reared up and balanced on its hind legs, and its forelegs transformed into a pair of giant tools: a gleaming rock drill on one side and a huge industrial vice-grip on the other. Despite the vehicle’s bulky, boxy appearance, the pilot moved it with grace and efficiency.

Rainbow Dash followed it outside, wide eyed. “No way! Is there anypony in there?”

The front window opened up and Jack waved at her from the cramped cockpit. “Ess-See-Vee, reportin’ fer duty!”

“We have giant battle-robots!? This is gonna be awesome!” Rainbow Dash pointed towards the bay’s front door. “I hereby order you to go and find the other dude right away!”

Jack blinked a few times. “...Other dude?”

“Yeah, the enemy. The bad guys. The freaky-deaky alien space-hippies. Go find em and blow ’em up. Blow up their dudes, their towers, their thingies... the whole deal. Leave nothing standing!”

“But this is the only engineering unit we have. And without any minerals, we can’t build replacements.”

“So?”

“This here mech ain’t a combat machine. It doesn’t have any offensive capabilities.”

Dash quirked an eyebrow. “Wha? What do you mean?”

Jack cleared her throat. “No guns means no shooty.”

Rainbow Dash stared up at her for a moment.

“One moment, please, whilst I refer to my database of strategic operational protocols.”

“Yess’m.”

Dash turned away, opened her vest and took out her diploma for Elite Planetary War-Battling. She unrolled the paper and turned it over, glancing at the diagram scribbled on the back.

Rainbow Dash looked up from the diagram. “Hey,” she said, “do we got any other dudes?”

“Nope. And unless we find some crystals, we can’t build any. At all.”

Rainbow Dash stared ahead, eyes wide and unfocused.

Uh oh.