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DestinyDecade


E

After seeing someone pop a balloon during one of Pinkie Pie's parties, Snails becomes curious about balloons and how they explode. Hoping to find answers, he asks the party expert Pinkie Pie. Despite a small problem, Pinkie takes it upon herself to teach him all about it. What follows is training that has him learning all the different ways but fun will be shared with everyone involved.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 9 )

2772004 Thanks. It's high time I want to try doing one regarding Snails. :)

There's lots and lots of revisions I would offer, but I've had my hands full for the day. Three points from just glancing over the first few paragraphs though:
1) Why are you writing in present tense? There's nothing wrong with using present tense as long as you're consistent about it, but it's not particularly common in fiction. Any particular reason you wrote it that way?
2) "Snails tries to pop it first by stomping it with his feet. It doesn’t work. e tries hugging it next by using his arms. He squeezes it as hard as he can, using all of his strength." The mantra people generally use is 'Show, don't tell'. This is more of a tell. For example, I would have written a similar scenario:
"Snails raises a forehoof and slams it down on the balloon. It bounces off of the rubber harmlessly, sending him teetering dangerously. He recovers his balances after a few moments, and sweeps the resistant balloon in his forelegs in an unsteady embrace. The embrace turns into a firm grip, then a crushing squeeze. He grunts, straining to pull any tighter. She shifts a hindhoof to improve his stability, but a scrap of rubber slips underhoof, dumping the colt to the ground. "
2b) Are these ponies or humans? You refer to them as ponies in the introductory paragraphs, but you refer to arms and feet. While ponies do technically have arms, generally the hooves of their hind-legs would be hind-hooves. (You might want to look up a reference for how to properly spell those two, though.)

3)
“Um, excuse me but… is Pinkie here?” asks Snails.
Rob replies, “Yes, she’s upstairs.” A question crosses his mind. “Wait a minute. Aren’t you supposed to be heading home with your friends? The party’s over.”
Snails whines, “Sorry boss. I forgot something and I need to get it before I do go home.”
“I see. And Snails?”
“What?”
“You don’t have to call me that. You and Snips still do this even to this day.”

In this particular bit of dialogue, you only have two people speaking. You don't need particles to remind us who is speaking and that they are speaking in every exchange here, but you would keep the part that introduces Pinkie into the conversation for example. Or when we return to dialogue after more narrative. However, that's more of a style thing than a grammatical thing, and admittedly it's better to have the tags when they're not needed than to be missing the tags in sections where they should be.

2778343 Nice criticism. Here are my answers to each.
1) I want to get the hang of writing stories in present tense instead of past tense. Due to some previous experiences, I tried to mix things up but it didn't fair well.
2) Trying to do the show instead of tell ain't easy. I still need work.
2.b) They're ponies for this one and hopefully when I finish, I can try to revise it and fix it up.
3) Yeah, it's a style error that has become a habit for me.

Other than that, thanks for the critique RevelRomp. It really will help me improve.

2778393 As a reminder, 3 is NOT an error. Style is more of matter of purpose and taste. You get to pick and choose. Like I said. If you're not completely confident in when to remove speaking tags, feel free to leave them in. It's better than lacking them when it should be there and confusing the reader about who is speaking.

If there are rules/guides for when to omit them, I do not have the info readily available.

Comment posted by Dan deleted Jul 31st, 2014
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