• Member Since 17th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Jul 13th, 2014

I Am That Guy


Ponies have declared man unfit creatures. They eagerly await people to go through conversion, a strangely simple process that can change the genetic structure of a human into that of a pony. They are basically thinking that they caught humanity with its pants down, expecting us to just go along with it.

The hell were they thinking?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 152 )

TCB: How it should have ended.

"You've have got to be shitting me!"

I don't think there is a better sentence that summarises the actual reaction to that retarded speech.

hs0003 #2 · Jun 24th, 2013 · · 2 ·

Celestia survived? Rewrite please! :pinkiesmile:

2771924 Aww, but I want her to live in shaaaaaaaame.

2771942 Might I suggest a follow up?
Religious extremists goes on a crusade to ridge Equestria of witchcraft by tearing off the horns of unicorns (And of course alicorns) That way no one dies and Celestia is reduced from Goddess to meat :pinkiecrazy:

Ps. And the elements of harmony is melted down to its components, leaving Equestria as chaotic as earth for the future generations of pony kind, thus forcing them to make the tough choices that we had to make in order to survive.

2772007 That would require the GORE tag. I'm too lazy to press buttons, but don't think I hadn't thought of this while writing.

hs0003 #6 · Jun 24th, 2013 · · 3 ·

2772019 Gore requires bloodshed. Horn removal doesn't need bloodshed. Only chloroform, duct tape and a good sharp saw.

2772027 You and I will get along swimmingly.

2772032 If you ever need an idea, feel free to poke me with a stick and see how I react :rainbowwild:

This seems like a much more believable ending to any Conversion Bureau story.

I'm sorry, I've been exploring the internet for so long and... is this the famous "Full Retard"? I've been told never to go there and accidentally stumbling upon it just seems unfair, y'know. I didn't know it was possible to put as little Celestia into a piece of text as possible and still make it this bad. "Live in shaaame."? Being this dumb she would choke on air. If she survives to princesshood I could count on even rats defecting to whatever the hell is the closest neighbouring realm. Even more unfathomable is how the humans are even more disastrously dim. If someone comes over and moons at you, do you shoot a nuke up that someone's ass? Why would you do that!? How in hell can twenty thousand ponies take anyone by surprise? The police massacres six thousand ponies who evidently could be held back by dudes with umbrellas? Is New Jersey really that stoned? iPhones and Ford Mustangs? Intentionally mispelling epilogue - how edgy!

Much better than any serious TCB story.


Aww, are you mad because someone knocks on something you like? Too bad, sweetie :)

I would if someone did that. But this piece of crap doesn't. It's not based on anything I like. It's based on suck. In other news it seems like you get banned for going full retard. :pinkiehappy: Some faith in humanity: restored.


This story is meant to be bad. But it still reads better than any serious TCB story out there. Also, you seem like one of those people who act like a show about fluffy ponies is far superior to the human race in general. Although, that's how most TCB fans act anyway, so I wouldn't be surprised.

A story can be meant to be dumb, crazy, trash, lots of things, but if it's really, really written and published for the sake of being bad, it becomes so bad it's terrible. The very idea of doing it is bad enough no sane person would still go with it!

"Reads better than..." Now who's being silly here? Not even my worst TCB one-shot is as bad as this. And I've written a couple of pretty bad ones.

Fluffy ponies being superior to humans? So what if I say a seemingly idyllic life in Equestria might be preferrable to Earth? If Costa Rica is the happiest place on Earth why would that in any way be a stretch? Humanity claiming superiority over anything with "We kill more of our own than you. Fuck yeah!" is pretty damn retarded, agree with it or not.

I was under the impression trollfics were allowed.
I don't follow.

Granted, they've got an ace up their sleeve in the form of magic. Even then, we really ARE more superior than them. We have numbers, economical power, military power, higher understanding of the universe, ect , ect.
I realize this story in itself is just silly.

2773239 Not to mention they are, at max, at the Industrial Revolution, so we have them beat Technologically by atleast 2 centuries.

This was hilarious. :rainbowlaugh:

Comment posted by Herrpface deleted Jun 25th, 2013
xTSGx #23 · Jun 25th, 2013 · · 22 ·

Oh look, another "evil!Nazi!communist!pony" Conversion Bureau story. It's so sad that such an interesting plot has to be ruined by two stupid extremes.

2774670 TCB Not Alone is the only good TCB story I've ever read.


Amen, fellow brother.:moustache:

2772406 This wasn't meant to be taken seriously. It's a hypothetical scenario between extreme views on the TCB universe I thought of by whim, relayed to readers via a fanfiction site about magical ponies. Which you have taken offense at because I gave my entirely fictional and comical viewing on the whole subject.

My word, to all the people who thought I put more than a few minutes' thought into this:


2772532 I'm glad you understood.

2774973 Don't mind me, just thirding your opinion here.

Zobeid #30 · Jun 26th, 2013 · · 19 ·

This story doesn't work for me, and I'm going to tell you why...

1. No expanding Barrier. In most CB stories -- and every Anti-CB story that I can recall -- the expanding Barrier is the Ultimate Weapon that really forces pony conversion. Take that away and you've pulled the rug out from under the whole scenario, and nothing makes sense.

2. Easily breached barrier. In most CB (and Anti-CB) stories, the Barrier is utterly impenetrable. Again, if you change that then it isn't really CB anymore. I've seen one or two where it was possible with great difficulty to launch an attack on the Barrier, but never before a story where breaching it is presented as trivial.

3. Overtly hostile ponies. Only in the most blatant of Anti-CB stories do ponies come across with this attitude and intent. And you know, Anti-CB has been done before, many times. And, frankly, it's been done much better. (I particularly liked the one where they fought over South Africa.) So... What then is the point of this exercise?

2779003 If the fucking barrier can take on the full nuclear might of the human race, then I'll eat my delicious khaki shorts. If the persistent pounding of fucking shape shifting bugs can break through the barrier canonically explained to be the "most powerful" (or something, rather, very close to those lines), I'm sure a hydrogen bomb with it's 40-megaton wrath can take it down just a tad bit faster.

My stupid satire of a story aside,(and with all due respect) you're being retarded.


a hypothetical scenario between extreme views on the TCB universe - - Which you have taken offense at

Aside from trying to go all psychic on me, I am a bit miffed because of that first line since it's a misconception. This interpretation isn't between any views. It's one single view. You can't separate the ponies' reactions from the humans' in a TCB story because one is the result of another.

people who thought I put more than a few minutes' thought into this

And those few minutes have given us the flat out worst piece of writing to bear TCB in its title. You should've thought a bit longer to either put a little more effort to it or not write (or at least not publish) it at all.

That comparison isn't valid. The barrier in TCB isn't a simple barrier spell but an interdimensional rift that you can't just blow through. There are a hundred variations though.


Glad to see some of my fellow comrades here :twilightsmile:

2779816 In response to your second part of post: Regardless of it not being able to be blown through (however unlikely), there are more... indirect ways to win in the case war presented itself.

In response to your first part of post: Awwww. Is someone frustrated that this retarded version of TCB was generally more well received than most serious TCB fictions? This story was published because I felt the urge to do so. This is the same kind of impulse I got when I decided to not take a jog this morning. It was meant to be satirical, therefore it was well received by those who got the point. Had I wanted to be serious, there would be a much more detailed account about how the ponies quickly receded back to their hole after witnessing how innovative the average human can be when faced with unfavorable odds. Because, seriously. Humans are superior.

There needs to be another one, kind of like a "Where are they now?" type of show 50 years into the future after Equestria has been occupied by humans, kinda like what happened to post-war Germany\Japan.

Lets see, Celestia deposed from ruler to figure head inside her castle while the parliament of pony politicians squabble amongst each other about welfare reform and giving themselves pay raises. The occasional radical nutcase ordering for unicorns to have their horns removed. Alicorn Twilight now a office worker at a local university after forcing to accept humans and other species under equal rights Acts. Rainbow Dash now married with two foals in Cloudsdale. Applejack as a Wal-Mart greeter where her farm used to be. Pinkie Pie.. well, no one knows where she is, but last reports say she was running off with barrel loads of Pseudoephedrine from Chinese suppliers.

Sick sick irony all around. :discordgrin:


Although, to be fair, "Conquer the Stars" is pretty good too.

2787332 If Dalek IX would ever update it...

hes a 80s kinda of guy, it was meant to be silly.

what the flip? weirdest fan fic ever, and what the flip is a tcb? you have epicly failed,ssssssshhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!:facehoof::raritycry::ajsleepy::trixieshiftleft::rainbowhuh::derpyderp2::ajbemused::pinkiecrazy:


Damn straight. Conquering continents since the Roman Empire 200 BCE.


Tow weeks later

Two weeks later

Looking forward to MOAR! Also,


Yep. I have already thought of countless ways the average (modern) human could survive and adapt in everfree forest. I pictured it all the way up to basic electric powered machinery. Yes, I even went through the trial and error of how to get there, including black powder firearms. Hell, the only reason people from a few thousand years ago couldn't do that is because they didn't know it existed or any basics of it.

The average modern human, however, does. We even get the jist of how to make rope, sinew-based line, carving bone and stone into tools, using hot ash to burn holes and stuff to make room for straps or canoes.

Hell, the average human even knows to watch animals that we recognize to know what to eat, what to avoid, etc.

The average pony would die in Everfree. The average human would be feasting on manticore meat after a couple days while laughing at all the wanna-be predators running in terror from his/her mere scent.

Ponies have the Magic of Friendship.
Humans have NUCLEAR POWER.
It's obvious that we would win.:pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by Tokai deleted Aug 18th, 2013
Tokai #45 · Aug 18th, 2013 · · 5 ·


Look guys, I know autism makes it hard for you to understand what a "joke" is, but you don't need to show us, we understand.


Whoops, better cancel that celebration party because he's unbanned.

Comment posted by Vonglory deleted Oct 4th, 2013

I have to admit that this is the only TCB story that I like.:rainbowdetermined2:

3089068:eeyup: I understand that logic. But when has the planet ever really fought back?

2779069fool. Magic must defeat magic. That's why we needed that one hostage.

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