Supporting Original Characters4,072 stories ·1,823 members
Slice of Life8,145 stories ·1,460 members
The OC Fanfiction Library1,803 stories ·1,404 members
Part of the, Black Sun Ponyverse.
The Princesses Celestia and Luna rule Equestria.
Cadence has the Crystal Empire.
And Twilight choses to have Ponyville to watch over, rule and protect.
But even a protector needs to have somepony watching over her, and sometimes they can be more than a hooffull.
Contest entry for Authors Helping Authors: 500 Member Contest
Page generated in 0.078 seconds
Total duration
668 users online
619,260 hits today, 1,822,946 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Whats doing? I'm in the same group as you are in. I just want a comment, new as well and I might as well give my two cents I guess haha
. I saw your story and well I'm going to give you a comment, and I hope you take my advice. Nothing bad really, just some minor stuff. 
You have a whole paragraph that is just a big run on sentence. Watch your commas and use them properly. A paragraph should have at least a minimum of three to four sentences. At least that's what I use. Unless someone speaks in between, you can kinda play with that as you will. I usually stop a paragraph when someone speaks. Depends on how I'm writing, but that is just me.
Commas are a pause is a longer sentence. If you have to many commas your part you are portraying is fast paced and something may seem off than what you planned. Another thing I would watch is using 'and' a little too much. I don't suggest using 'and' after every comma. Plus a little more detail on what a character is doing while they are talking, brings the story more to life.
And this may be me, but I feel Luna is a little OOC. But that might just be me. Not when she is testing the guards, more when she was talking to Twilight. I don't know, it's just the vibe I was getting from her. Also I wouldn't go with the alicorn becoming a OPC, personally it isn't practical. But that is my opinion, I don't know where you are going with this story so it might fit in later. Where you have an opposing race just as powerful.
I would suggest proofreading your work before you post it, or get an editor. I'm my own editor-mostly because I haven't found an editor for my writing. But it never hurts to proofread and over look how you portray things with your story. So far I'm not really hooked, but I'll keep an eye on your story. I'm curious to see where you are going with it. Hope I help you in some way
.
~Ashura Z.G.
P.S. I love how you have Twilight as the main character, she is my favorite pony and princess haha
.
It's an interesting concept. I like it.
Have a fav.
Now, suggestion.
As the previous comment said, I'd get a proofreader/editor.
...That's it, really.
Too bad this is a one-shot.