Destiny's Call

by Keragon Sharp

Chapter Four: A New Struggle

Twilight walked down the stairs. “This way.”

I followed Twilight to the room below what I was pretty sure was Twilight’s bedroom -how generous of her to give up her bed for a stranger- this one’s walls being lined with bookshelves filled with books. I couldn’t help but stare at all the novels and encyclopedias that lined the shelves. All the legends and lore of this new world, and fantastical fictions of monsters and heroes completely blew me away. How did I not notice this while up in that bed?

I struggled to talk, struck in wonder by all the knowledge crammed into this one room. “Do yo- You actually-“

Twilight turned around, cheeks pink with embarrassment and what seemed to be flattery. “Yeah, these books are all mine. Why, are you a fan of reading?”

I slumped to the floor, still in awe of everything. “A fan... doesn’t nearly describe it.”

I snapped out of my daze long enough to notice what looked like a dog bed by the wall, covered with a light blue blanket. "Hey, Twilight, do you have a pet?" I asked.

"Oh, that's my assistant, Spike." Twilight trot over to the little bed. "Spike, wake up. We have a guest."

The thin blanket rustled, and out of it emerged a very large, groaning purple lizard with green spikes on its head going down its back. It yawned and stretched.

“Spike, huh?” How original, I thought to myself. "So, how is he your assistant? And what kind of lizard is he?"

"Well, he's actually a baby dragon, and he writes letters for me and helps me out around the library. Spike, this is Ruby Flame."

The baby dragon yawned and got out of his most likely uncomfortable bed. "Hi, uh, Ruby Flame."

“Hi Spike." I turned my attention to Twilight. "So, he doesn't bite or anything?”

“Hey!” Spike scolded, offended. “I may be a baby dragon, but-" he was briefly interrupted by a yawn, "-that doesn’t mean I’m... uh...”

“Barbaric?” Twilight and I both suggested at the same time. Twilight looked at me, impressed. “Wow. I didn’t know you had such a wide vocabulary for such a young pony.”

Flattered, I somewhat mumbled, “Actually, I’m thirteen. But thanks. Heh-heh.”

“Oh. Anyway, Spike, fetch our guest some water, please.”

The little dragon ran back downstairs, and came back up with a glass of water in his hands. Or, claws, I suppose. Seeing it, I suddenly realized how thirsty I was. My throat was so dry, I’m surprised I was able to talk clearly before.

“Thanks, Twilight. I could really use some water.”

Spike held out the glass in front of me. “Here you go Ruby Flame."

Wait a minute, how am I supposed to hold it with this? I thought, putting my hoof up in front of me.

“Is there something wrong, Ruby?” Twilight asked. Her voice carried an odd mix of concern and suspicion.

“Um, no, it’s fine.” I turned around and grinned. I faced Spike again and put my hoof out, the flat bottom up. After a few awkward seconds, Spike got the hint and put the glass on my hoof. This’ll be a challenge. I balanced the cup best I could up to my lips and started to tilt it, letting the water enter my mouth. Feeling the cold, refreshing liquid on my tongue peaked my thirst to a maximum level and I was soon greedily guzzling down every last drop, not caring if I was spilling, or if the glass was slipping.

Suddenly, the cup slipped out of the little grip my hoof could give, and tumbled towards the floor. I took a few clumsy steps back and shielded my face with my right foreleg, expecting to hear a loud CRASH! of the glass hitting the floor. But it never came. I put my hoof down, and looked in shock to see that the glass had been suspended in mid-air, surrounded by a mystifying pink veil. I guess the sheer awe I was in must have shone on my face.

“Ruby Flame?” Twilight asked, confused and worried. “Are you alright?”

I looked over at Twilight and saw that the horn on top of her cocked head was glowing in a similar manner. “A... Are you doing that? H-How?”

“I’m using my horn, of course!” Twilight almost seemed to scold me for being so unaware of what she was doing and how. “I know younger unicorns may not be experienced in magic, but levitation is the most simple and common form. You’re a unicorn, too, why don’t you know of it?”

Suddenly Pinkie, who I forgot was here, spoke up and said, “What if she hurt her head in the forest and forgot stuff about magic?”

“Oh my gosh! I didn’t even think of that!” Twilight Sparkle exclaimed. “You were in the Everfree Forest, after all. The forest’s strange magic could have done odd things to your mind and health! I should really run some tests.”

“T-Tests?” I uttered. “What do you-“

Before I could finish, Twilight pushed me forward down another two set of stairs. “Hey, wait! Where are we going?! Hey!”

Author's Note:

This one's a bit short, which I apologize for, but hey! A chapter's a chapter, right? .....Right?

Comments

[Lovinlife]

I'm glad you updated, I was a little worried that I had scared you off with the last review.

Things I liked:
1. I like how Ruby and Twilight both like books. This would bring us to a point of understanding between the two like the Elements of Harmony did for the Mane Six.
2. We are kinda starting to get a personality from Ruby so keep it up

Things I didn't like:
1. If Twilight had said Ruby's name before around Spike, why did he ask for it after that? Check over a chapter before you upload it or have a proofreader read it for such mistakes.

Comments:
1. The parenthesis in the first paragraph don't have to be there since we are already in the character's POV.
2. Wouldn't it make more sense if Spike had said "Why are you downstairs" instead of "Why am I downstairs."
3. Just wondering, how would Ruby know Spike was a dragon?

All-In-All:
I liked this chapter a lot more compared to the last one as more things happen and more characters are starting to come it. It's getting more interesting and I can actually say that I'm excited for the next update. Though, I do suggest you get a proofreader to look things over for any mistakes.

Score:
I was tearing my hair out to get this chapter a proper score, I finally set it on a 8.9/10 due to the character development and personality of the characters while there being some dialogue issues that made me have to think twice and this sapped me out of the story experience.

[SilentBelle]

Alright so I read it all. I'll point out a few mistakes I noticed.

In some of the earlier chapters you slip out of past tense and into present tense. It was a little awkward reading that portion.

As for the dialogue, parts of it feel a little stiff or forced. In chapter three, I feel like the scene could have benefited by thinking out the characters a bit more thoroughly. A good way to make the dialogue feel more dynamic is to look at each character before they talk and figure out what the character wants from the character they are interacting with. If you can figure out what the characters want, the dialogue will begin to write itself.

Basically just ask, 'Why is this character talking?' and 'What do they want from the characters they are interacting with?'

All characters have motivations for their actions (both verbal and non-verbal), and when these motivations form a cohesive narrative, they begin to show deep and interesting characters. When there are contradictions or dissonance between the character's actions, then you either need a reasonable explanation for these actions, or the character will quickly be seen as out of character.

Overall, your grammar is fairly consistent which is nice. I'd nitpick by saying that you should emphasize with italics instead of caps. And you should always spell out numbers instead of writing them. Unless the character is reading a visual sign with a number on it, then you can get away with using numbers in the text.

The protagonist doesn't really have much presented personality. Having the human world scene is almost entirely void of reason, except as a plot point or future goal to head back toward. It didn't present us with much information about the protagonist as a character, so many people will see it as idle 'wish fulfillment' which will drive readers away in droves.

Also one thing I don't really get is her not choosing to give her real name. That just seemed an unusual choice given the circumstances, and I kind of saw it as a meta decision.

I also agree with a lot of what 2977420 said. And the scene where she shows an interest for books is a nice touch and probably her first real display of genuine character. I did however feel that them choosing the same word comes across as kind of contrived (but I wouldn't worry too much about that).

One thing that I found kind of strange is that Twilight would find her not being able to use magic as unusual, after all, she has no cutie mark (much like Sweetie Belle, and Sweetie has yet to learn magic). I think Twilight would be more surprised if Ruby managed to use magic to hold the glass instead of her hooves.

Well, I think that's all for now. Thanks for writing,
~SilentBelle