Destiny's Call

by Keragon Sharp

Chapter Three: World of Wonders

I woke up in a bed that didn’t feel like my own, surrounded by voices saying things like; “Who is she?” “She came from the forest.” “Is she a witch?” I struggled to open my eyes, and could barely see what and who was around me. I heard a voice say, “She’s awake, give her room!” ,then saw a light purple blur walk towards me. “Are you okay? When you came out of the Everfree Forest last night with sticks in your mane, I couldn’t just let you lay there. I had to help you!”

I blinked a few times and tried to focus on who was in front of me. My eyes finally adjusted, and I could see clearly. But what I saw, I couldn’t believe. It was a lavender-colored pony, with purple eyes and a dark indigo mane with a pink and purple stripe going through it. I was so startled, I fell right out of the bed I was occupying.

The purple mare rushed over to me. “Are you okay? I didn’t mean to startle you.”

I was so confused why this horse could talk, but then looked down at my own body (which felt odd), and realized I was still a horse. I could see better in daylight and wasn’t worrying about dying, so I could see my body was a light crimson. I stood up, regaining my composure, and looked at the purple pony. I could see better now, and saw that the mare had both a horn and wings.

“Sorry,” I said, “but I just-“

Wait a minute; why can I talk too? What is this place? , I thought to myself as I looked down at the floor, confused.

The violet-colored pony looked at me in worry. “You just what?”

I looked up and saw that there were more ponies behind her, some with wings, some with horns, some with neither, but none with both. But they were all staring at me.

“I- I just... was surprised. Sorry.” I gave a sheepish smile.

The unicorn with wings (or pegasus with a horn?) breathed a sigh of relief, and then introduced herself. “Well, my name is Twilight Sparkle, and-“

Suddenly, a pink pony with a darker pink poofy mane and what looked like a lemon cake on her head came up from behind Twilight, got right in my face, and started blabbing away at a rather fast pace.

“Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie! I planned a little party just for you, because when you came out of the Everfree Forest you looked sick! I even made the cake myself! So do you like it? Huh?”

“I, uh, I”, I was at a loss for words, still a little frazzled. “Thanks, uh, Pinkie Pie. But where are the decorations?”

"Oh! Don't worry about that!" Pinkie suddenly got a brightly colored cannon out of nowhere. "I've got my party cannon!" She fired the cannon at a wall, and instead of destroying that side of the building, it decorated the wall with streamers and confetti. After a few more shots, the entire room was decorated with colors.

“Oh Pinkie, you went through all this for a strange pony who came out of the forest?” Twilight Sparkle walked over to Pinkie Pie. “You really do care about everypony you meet.”

“Wait, she’s done this before?” I asked.

“Oh yeah, I do this for everypony who moves to Ponyville.” Pinkie Pie said while still somehow balancing that cake on her head. “But wait, are you going to move into Ponyville? Where do you live? In the forest? But that doesn’t make-“

“Maybe we should let her explain, Pinkie.” Twilight looked at me. “But I would like to know as well. Would you mind telling us at least your name and where you live?”

“M-Me?” I stuttered. I wondered what to say. Everyone in this world seemed to have a name that wasn’t exactly a name, and was more like two words put together that described their personality or look. I didn’t want to say my real name, or they might suspect something. Then what would happen? I don’t know what kind of insane things this world of ponies has, and I certainly don’t want to find out the hard way. So, thinking fast, I thought up a name that matched both my color and my likes.

“I’m, um... Ruby Flame, and, well...” I thought of an excuse as to why I would be in a forest. "Well.. I was on my way to move to Ponyville, when a monster started chasing me! I had no choice but to leave my cart of items, or else it would have slowed me down. I lost the monster behind the trees, but I was so scared, I kept running until I got to Ponyville. And well, you know the rest." I put on a smile to try to sell it off.

The two ponies stared at me for about three seconds. Then Pinkie Pie grabbed my front hoof and shook it rather fast while still balancing that cake on her head and said, “Okey-dokey-lokey! Nice to meet you Ruby Flame!” She finally stopped vigorously shaking my hoof. Pinkie then loudly proclaimed; “Now it’s time to PARTY!”

Twilight stopped her before she could party (I guess?) and instead asked me, “Wow, you've been through a lot. I had my own theories as to why you were in the forest, but I guess that explains everything." I noticed a hint of disappointment in her face. "Before a welcome party, would you like me to take you around Ponyville and introduce you to my friends? I’m not sure if you’ve been to Ponyville before, Ruby Heart, but I would be happy to show you around the town.”

“Um, sure, I guess. That would be nice.”

The crowd behind her sighed and left, disappointed that the party was postponed. Twilight ignored them, and instead told me, “It’s settled then. I’ll show you around Ponyville. Let’s start our tour outside my house.”

“And then we can party?” Pinkie Pie asked.

Twilight nodded. “Then we can party.”

Comments

[Lovinlife]

Okay, here’s my review to this chapter and I have a few things to say about it before I go into detail. Unfortunately, there wasn’t really anything positive to say about this chapter but a number of things that I saw that didn’t work such as believability and descriptions. Lets see what they are.

Things that I didn’t like:
1. I think the using ‘trot’-[a moderately fast gait of a horse] was not a very good descriptive word to use when Madisyn fell out f bed and Twilight went to help her. If I saw someone fall out of bed, I would be there was fast as I could, but this word made it seem like Twilight was kinda rushing but not really putting much work into it. A more realistic word would’ve been ‘rushed’ or ‘ran’.

2. You began to describe how Madisyn felt when she used her new body a whole chapter after she begins using it. You could’ve done so when she first started walking with her equine body and the reader would’ve gotten a better understanding of how she felt with it and it would make a bit more sense to do so.

3. I don’t think Pinkie is that inconsiderate about someone new. She probably wouldn't of surprised a pony that they had found unconscious.

4.When Pinkie surprised Madi, Madi’s reaction felt a bit soft as when people are surprised, they tend to flinch or scream instead of just standing there confused.

5. Twilight seemed out of character at the end of the chapter as she doesn’t try to find answers to why Madi was out at the Everfree Forest unconscious and just waits to get said answers, which we know is not like her at all.

Comments:
1. When Madi fell out of bed, you could’ve explained how it felt for her. Describing the feelings of actions of a character would help the reader to get into the story better.

2. When you have a new character speak after another has spoken, put it in a new paragraph, it just looks more organized and it’s a easy to see that some new is talking.

All-in-all:
Think this chapter and the other chapters before could’ve been placed all in a first chapter which would give the chapter some length to them and give the reader time to get into them. To add some more length to them, add more description words, more side conversations, some thought process, etc and you could get more readers because many people like to reader the stories with the longer chapters or story in whole. Parts of it could’ve been done better, but if this is your first fiction that’s okay because the practice you do, and the more skills you pick up, the better your writing you become.

Score:
I can’t be generous here or else my credibility would sink, so I’ve decided to give this chapter a 3.5/10.