Chapter 2- Flight, Fight, Wine and Light
Slowly, carefully, the huge guard made his way towards Chrysalis and Celestia, the later of which still passed out beside the Changeling queen. He snorted, dust flying into the air from beneath his crater-esque nostrils. Even from Chrysalis’ position at the other side of the room, she could smell the horrid stench of testosterone, whey and protein shakes, and, suspiciously, Neighoria’s Secret perfume.
“State your business, bug,” he commanded sternly.
His gaze burned into her soul, and she could tell he didn’t like what he saw. “Originally,” she began, “I came to Equestria only to arrange a peace treaty. After your daft princess let out a battle cry and ran at me, this,” she motioned at her gnarled horn, “happened and we both lived happily ever after.”
“I don’t appreciate your humor, bug.” The guard sputtered, aghast. “Explain how our princess has gotten in her...” He paused, looking over at his co-commanders. “...Position.”
“Well, first she freaked out over something Monty the baked pony-ato said, burst into flames, hit rock bottom and passed out. I swear I wasn’t responsible for this.” Chrysalis lifted Celestia’s limp hoof for emphasis, letting it fall to the floor with a dull thump.
“So you saw Private Monty enter the courtroom? Where is he?” the guard questioned, his steel tone never wavering.
“I think one of your guards stepped on him.” Chrysalis chuckled, watching as the crowd erupted in yelps and shouts.
The head guard silenced them with a flap of his mighty wings, sending a blast of frosty air into the Changeling queen’s face. “Funny, bug. You’ll need to come with us.” He swiveled on his hoofboots and began trotting swiftly towards the open doors, where the entirety of the Solar Guard was already beginning to file into the hallway.
Chrysalis huffed as (presumably) the head of the Solar Guard barked out orders to his brethren like a Canterlot duchess drinking martinis- fast and furious, leaving little to no time to breathe before continuing on his mission. “I’m royalty, you ornery fool,” she muttered, “and I should be treated as such...”
A sharp hoof struck her in the back, and the Changeling queen let out a strangled howl, retaliating by delivering a brutal kick to the flank. Smugly, she turned to Princess Celestia, the monarch’s usually cheerful magenta eyes still groggy with sleep and smoke. “Naptime’s over, Princess.” Chrysalis chortled.
Celestia yawned, stroking her flank with care. “What...” she murmured softly. “What happened to M-monty? Where is he?”
“He was burned to a crisp when I last saw him, well-done if I remember correctly. Some hotshot and the entire Solar Guard stormed the area just a minute ago, so I’m not entirely certain where he ended up.” Chrysalis explained calmly, oblivious to Celestia’s slowly unhinging jaw.
“Oh, poor Monty... He didn’t know what a tender subject that it to me...” Celestia groaned, slamming a hoof into her face. “And Cool Resolve came in here-”
Chrysalis’ eyes widened as Cool Resolve stopped midstep, ear twitching wildly, and galloped back over to the Changeling queen and the Equestrian princess. Eyes blazing, he let out a fearsome growl that echoed throughout Canterlot Castle.
“What’s he-” Celestia stammered.
“Look, I know we don’t exactly see eye to eye, mostly because I’m taller than you,” Chrysalis hissed frantically, “but can we put aside our differences for the sake of my very existence? Work a little ‘pretty pony princess’ magic?”
“Why should I take orders from you?” Celestia snapped. “You’ve done nothing but yell at me and do this!” She pointed angrily at her horn.
Cool Resolve thundered closer, the ground rumbling beneath his massive hooves. “Celestia, old buddy ol’ pal...” Chrysalis rasped, her heart threatening to explode. “If I go down...” The Changeling queen tugged on her horn, hyperventilating heavily. “You’re going down with me.”
The guard’s hooves skid across the tiled floor. Strangely cold, his eyes bore into Celestia’s confused mind. “I suppose you have a point, Chrysalis,” she said, “and nopony should have to deal with the stupidity of the High Canterlot Court.”
As Cool Resolve slowed his pace, Chrysalis turned to the Princess, her misshapen face twisted in a smug grin. “You’re in the High Canterlot Court, dear Celestia.”
Before Celestia could snap back at the queen, Cool Resolve bounded into view, his gigantic form eclipsing the pale sun that filtered through the tall windows. Taking a short breath, the head of the Solar Guard folded his wings and fixed Queen Chrysalis with a venomous glare.
“Worthless bug scum, I order you to follow me.” Cool Resolve stated curtly, bristling.
“Excuse me, Lieutenant Resolve, but Queen Chrysalis shall be staying with me.”
Resolve lapsed into a coughing fit, his eyes as large as the weights he lifted. "P-princess!" He wheezed. "I..." He paused to catch his breath, the Changeling queen's cocky stare melting his custom-made armor. "I was not aware you had awoken. Forgive my foalishness, my liege."
Watching the lieutnant drop into a deep bow, his pure white derrière mooning nearly every member of the Solar Guard, Celestia couldn't help but crack a grin. "Of course, Lieutenant. As you can see, Queen Chrysalis and I have grown very..."
"Um, close?" Chrysalis suggested, relishing her victory.
"Yes! Chrysalis and myself have grown very close, and despite our little spat, we are in fact good friends. If you would excuse me, Lieutenant, I should really show our guest her quarters for the night." Celestia winked devilishly at Cool Resolve, who gulped loudly.
"That would be most wise, your highness." Cool Resolve decided. After glaring at Queen Chrysalis (who stuck out her rotting, disgusting tongue in response), he bowed again and bolted towards the courtroom doors.
“Thank you, Celestia.” Queen Chrysalis said as the lieutenant and his cohorts disappeared down the corridor, their crew-cut tails bobbing in unison. “When we get out of this mess, I owe you some cider.”
“I’d like to get past today before we begin celebrating.” Celestia snorted, rising to her hooves.
The Changeling queen quickly followed suit, dusting between her holes before turning to the Equestrian monarch. “Whatever do you mean?” she asked, blowing a fine layer of char off her crown.
“My room is on the very tip of Canterlot Castle.”
“So?”
“The entirety of the city is expecting me to lower the sun tonight, Chrysalis.”
“...How does that have anything to do with me?”
“Only the guards and waiters can fit in the stairway that leads to my chamber. I fly to it, and to save time, I lower the sun to make way for the moon during the flight.”
Chrysalis let out a sharp burst of hot air, sending the dust bunny on her crown sailing into the air. It glided through the burned courtroom with practiced ease, carefree and lackadaisical, until all of a sudden it let out a squeal and fell back to earth, which (Coincidentally) happened to be the Changeling queen’s gaping mouth.
“First of all, dear Celestia,” Chrysalis choked out, “can’t you just teleport to your high and mighty chamber?”
“The Canterlot elite are ponies of schedule,” Celestia explained, downcast. “ If whatever they want doesn’t happen exactly when it is meant to, they go bananas. Also, I kind of promised long ago that I’d make the lowering of the sun a public event, just to entertain the foals and all. I’m a goddess of my word.”
“Second of all, are you implying your weight has gotten to such a substantial amount that it your gerth won’t fit into the stairwell, Princess?” Chrysalis sneered.
Color flowed into Celestia’s snow white cheeks. “No!” she shouted, a little louder than intended. “No! I am the normal weight for an alicorn!”
“Sure, my bulky pony.” Chrysalis chittered, motioning toward the doorway eagerly. “Now, why don’t we head towards the courtyard? We can plan your public humiliation along the way. It’ll be fun!” She clapped her hooves together happily, already heading towards the entrance.
Sighing, Celestia lowered her head in defeat and began marching alongside the Changeling queen. Not long before they set off, a pony-shaped crater embedded in the tiles caught the Princess’ eye.
“Oh, hello Monty!” she called out cheerfully. Monty didn’t answer.
“Hey, Princess,” Chrysalis asked, her voice ringing throughout the deserted hallway, “I was under the assumption that Shining Armor was the head honcho of the Solar Guard. Care to explain?”
At the sound of the Changeling’s scratchy voice Celestia leaped into the air, colliding with the only low-hanging chandelier in the castle. Wailing pitifully, Chrysalis followed suit, and both monarchs ended up sewn across the elegantly crafted glass panels and jewels. Before she knew what was happening, Chrysalis rolled off the edge of the chandelier, gesticulating wildly, and spun in lazy circles directly below Celestia.
“A simple ‘no’ would have sufficed, Celestia.” the queen snorted. If looks could kill, Equestria would be down one princess.
Her neck hanging over a sharpened emerald shard, the alabaster alicorn fought to keep her head aloft and the tears out of her eyes. “Shut up, Chrysalis.” she retorted, the sheer weight of Chrysalis threatening to sever her body in two- unless the emerald fragment, glinting devilishly in the sunlight, beat her to it.
“Why should I? This is all your fault.” Chrysalis rebuked, folding her hooves.
A startling crack pierced Celestia and Chrysalis’ ears, and magenta eyes met dark green. Everything happened at once- Celestia’s blimp-esque figure plummeted over the edge of the fancy chandelier, a bolt of pain shot down Chrysalis’ gnarled horn, causing her to scream like a filly at a Justin Beaver concert, and with a final screech the cord that held the chandelier snapped. When the billowing dust was finally cleared, both Celestia and Chrysalis lay with their hooves splayed underneath the toppled decoration.
“I...Hate...You...” Celestia hissed, a slim emerald piece scraping her throat.
“The feeling is mutual.” Chrysalis snarled. “Once again, your bulbous behind nearly killed both of us.”
Celestia didn’t have the strength to argue. Grunting, she pushed the broken chandelier into the opposite wall and got to her hooves. Chrysalis shook herself and, finding no body parts had been broken, followed Princess Celestia as they began their journey anew.
Several long minutes of silence passed before Changeling or alicorn spoke. Finally, with a deep sigh, Celestia turned to Chrysalis with fatigued, bloodshot eyes.
“To answer your question,” she murmured, her steps louder than her voice, “Captain Shining Armor is the overseer of both the Lunar and Solar Guard branches. Lieutenant Cool Resolve is a position below him- he watches over the Solar Guard only.”
Chrysalis blinked. “...Why couldn’t you have just told me that in the first place?”
The emerald shard in Princess Celestia’s neck shuddered. “If you wish to stay alive, Chrysalis,” she rasped, eyes dilating rapidly, “I wouldn’t speak of that event ever again.”
Dazzling flames flashed before Chrysalis’ eyes, the still fresh memory of a finely roasted Monty emblazoning itself in her psyche. She nodded slowly.
The grand hallway, painted a dull silver and adorned with trinkets of every imaginable size, led out into a small, yet ornate greenhouse. The humidity struck Chrysalis like a hoof to the face. “Wow, this is very...” she rasped.
“Respectable? Beautiful?” Celestia suggested, a coy smile on her scarred face. “Extravagant?”
“Overkill.” Chrysalis finished, wiping a bead of sweat from her brow. “I know plants need sunlight and all, but do you really need to keep it the same temperature as the sun?”
“Nopony has ever complained about it.” Celestia responded curtly, kicking a discarded pony skull into a pile of twisting vines.
After what seemed like hours, Chrysalis and Celestia finally emerged from the greenhouse and stepped into the Imperial Courtyard. Finely trimmed hedges dotted the perfectly watered grass, and stone busts in honor of heroes long gone stood guard in each corner, waiting for some poor soul to trot by. Keeping up with Celestia’s nervous gallop, the two passed by the finest foliage in Equestria- vibrant roses, petite poppies, towering oak trees and the occasional wild cocoa tree.
“We’re...Here.” Celestia whispered, her eyes far away.
Before the two monarchs lay a wide open sky, not a single cloud in sight- eager pegasi fluttered inches off the ground, anxiously awaiting the flight of their co-ruler. Chrysalis gasped, and Celestia stuck her hoof in her mouth before the assembled ponies could notice.
“There’s so many...” the Changeling queen whimpered. Unicorns decked out in the finest frills and leather sat on plush cushions, monucles held just as high as their champagne. Earth ponies dressed in equally refined clothing talked shop amongst one another, their eyes moving towards the empty sky when the conversation took an unwanted route. Just beyond the valley, in the many boroughs of Canterlot, the elite covered every square inch of land. The entire city had come out to see Princess Celestia lower the sun.
“If you would have just let me sign a stupid peace treaty, none of this would be an issue!” Chrysalis hissed.
“I was protecting my country!” Celestia countered quietly, the venom dripping off her words.
“How do you plan on protecting yourself from a mob of angry ponies with wine, Celestia?” the Changeling retorted. “They’re likely drunk off their flanks and most definitely not leaving without seeing their pretty pony princess lower the sun!”
Celestia growled. “I’ll think of something.”
The alicorn suddenly bucked, flinging Chrysalis, off-balance and scared for her life, onto her broad back. “Keep your head down.” she whispered.
Chrysalis obliged, squishing her muzzle into Celestia’s warm fur. “What about your horn?” Chrysalis asked.
“Act now, think later.” Celestia answered. With her words hanging uncertainty in the air, the Princess took off, pure power coursing through her body as her hooves left the familiar ground. Soon the ornate garden was a speck in a sea of hoity-toity ponies and their prized bubbly.
Chrysalis gagged, averting her eyes. “You can lower a heavenly body, but you can’t give me a bucking barf bag?” she whispered harshly, daring to open an eye as the Princess shot out from behind the line of towering trees that separated the peaceful, soothing courtyard from the squirming, shouting pavillion currently housing thousands of tipsy ponies.
“Shut your yap, Chrysalis!” Celestia barked, the wind roaring in her ears. In order to conceal Chrysalis from view, she bent her head back until her neck screamed in protest- she was certain she looked as ridiculous as an immortal alicorn with her horn ensnared within a Changeling queen’s, but sometimes Princesses had to resort to drastic measures to prevent an uprising among a hoard of intoxicated elites.
She heard flutes daintily tapping and frenzied cheering. “Excellent.” she murmured, angling her elegant hooves into a steep dive. The reaction from the crowd (And Chrysalis) was perfect- “oohs” and “ahhs,” followed by a strangled but still audible wail. Grinning like a hyperactive foal in a candy shoppe, Celestia touched a single hoof to the ground before shooting back into the sky with renewed vigor, sending a few sparks from her hooftip for good measure.
Starlight Simmer was among those who clapped joyfully for her Princess. “Go Celly!” her companion, a unicorn mare with enough burns to qualify as a saucepan, yelled excitedly.
“What am I going to do with you, Yorkshire?” she asked playfully, pushing the unicorn back into her seat. “I shouldn’t have told the delivery ponies to add those extra bottles of Balfour to the inventory.”
“Wha?” Yorkshire sputtered. “Ah’m perfectly fine!”
The unicorn mare, a goofy smile plastered on her face, turned back towards the aerial performance. I’m fit as a... She paused, rubbing her chin as Princess Celestia doubled back, flaring her magnificent wings, and began climbing an unseen ladder into the sky. The Princess seemed to keeping her head back much more than usual, but that didn’t bother Yorkshire.
What did was the squealing, shivering Changeling that hung onto dear life as the alicorn flew through the air.
“Hey, Starlight?” Yorkshire whispered.
Starlight Simmer looked up from her cookbook. “Yes?” she asked happily.
Yorkshire held out a hoof. “Hand me s’more of that Bacchus, will ‘ya?”
High above their heads, Celestia called upon all the cosmic energy within and outside of Equestria and begged it to aid in what she was about to do. Her cozy, comfy tower was only a few short wingbeats away- all she had to do was the impossible.
“Hold on!” she shouted.
“What do you think I’ve been trying to do this entire time?!” Chrysalis yelled back, digging her hooves deeper into the alicorn’s fluffy fur.
Celestia nodded and swerved skywards, dipping one wing behind her as to slow her speed. The Canterlot ponies were applauding rambunctiously, yet she still slipped into a calm state with practiced ease.
She was but a feather in the breeze that was life.
She was a single wave in a vast and turbulent ocean.
She was one with the world- she was the world.
Celestia sighed, and the universe sighed with her.
Even with a screaming and possibly peeing Changeling interrupting her magical energy, Celestia nonetheless grabbed the sun and began the long yet rewarding task of pulling it down to make way for the moon. Flares of magic, both from the cosmos and her own horn, surrounded her airborne body. Excited yelps from the attentive audience brightened her serene smile.
Chrysalis meeped, her eyes held in rapt attention, as miniature solar flares danced across Celestia’s back, reciting an intricate and beautiful recital. As much as she despised Princess Celestia and her precious ponies, she had to admit the alicorn could do some fantastic things.
Celestia grunted for a final time, and with a magnificent shower of sparkles the sun disappeared below the horizon, leaving a fading trail of crimson in its wake. The ponies below clapped and cheered and whooped wildly, their glasses clinking together just as the stars began to shimmer in the velvet sky.
“All in a day’s work,” she shouted. Chrysalis didn’t answer.
Swiftly, Celestia landed with a graceful thump on the balcony of her chambers, and, quickly thrusting Chrysalis behind a drape, waved to the exuberant crowds before relinquishing the spotlight to her sister and stepping into her tower. Even as she slid the gilded door shut and brought forth the drapes, she could still hear the drunken Canterlot ponies singing and shouting.
She flicked on a light, then turned to Queen Chrysalis, who shot forward with a burst of speed and dragged Celestia onto her luxurious bed. “This is huge!” Chrysalis yelped, rolling around in the plush sheets and throwing the soft pillows. “What a surprise- you can fit in it!”
Celestia groaned. “Sure, Chrysalis. Look, I’m tired, I just spent a good thirty minutes flying around with a Changeling that wouldn’t shut up directly behind me, and that is my bed. Goodnight.” She dragged the Changeling queen easily across the fluffy tangerine carpet, ignoring her indignant shouts, and shut off the lights with a curt slap of her hoof. Celestia trudged back to her bed, tripping over her own hooves, and with enough grace to make an Olympian grimace she catapulted Chrysalis onto the silky blanket.
“...Celestia?” Chrysalis whispered.
“Yes?” the irritated alicorn asked.
“..I’m...Do you..” the Changeling muttered.
“Spit it out, Chrysalis.” Celestia moaned.
“Do you have a nightlight, Celestia?”
Celestia stared at her cellmate. “You’re... You’re scared of the dark?” she questioned.
“No!” Chrysalis snapped resentfully. “Well, uh... Maybe a little.”
“The great and powerful Changeling queen is scared of the dark?” Celestia chortled.
Chrysalis prayed that Celestia couldn’t see her blush. “A little, Celestia. I’m not a foal.”
The Equestrian co-empress giggled, rummaging through her bedside desk until her hoof caught on a frilly swatch of fabric. “Oops...” she murmured, a dark shade of crimson slipping into her cheeks. She pushed the offending fabric aside and found a spherical item, ebbing solar energy and pulsating with a faint light.
“Here you go, Qween Cwysawis.” she cooed, gently lifting the orb out of its compartment and into Chrysalis’ waiting hooves. She gently touched the tip of her horn to the device, and the entire room was bathed in a bright, warm light. Slowly, Chrysalis lowered the device to her face.
“What is this?” she asked, awestruck.
“A fallen star that Luna caught one night- she said they kept on dropping out of the sky for no reason at all, and I decided that they could be used as nightlights for scared foals- and that we should really educate them on global warming and all of that.” Celestia laughed, burrowing deep into her sheets.
“Wow.” Chrysalis whispered, rolling the star in lazy circles on her hooves. “Thank you. You may be annoying and stubborn, but I must admit, you can do some incredible things.”
“I try.” Celestia said, pushing a pillow between herself and Chrysalis and stuffing her head into her own. “Good night, Chrysalis.”
Silence greeted Celestia’s ears. Sighing happily, she waited for sleep’s wonderful embrace.
“Uh, Celestia?”
“What, Chrysalis?”
“...Why are you blushing?”
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And so... The beginning of what would be called "The World's Most Epic Cat Fight" began.
WIth all involved either oblivious or stunned, it wasn't going to end well. At all. Ever.
11. I win.
~Skeeter The Lurker
2788252
Wait, so she actually killed Monty? Shouldn't she be on trial for murder? Or manslaughter (ponyslaughter)? Or banished to the sun or something?
Or at least feel really damn guilty about having murdered one of her subjects in an irrational fit of petty rage.
For a comedy that bit was remarkably dark.
2788399
It seems my pre-reading was accurate! This story is funny! 
2788405
She didn't kill Monty, per se, she only burned him- the Solar Guard trampled him. He was only unconscious for that portion of the chapter.
2788577
So, is that assault? And is he dead now?
Regardless of whether or not he is dead, Celestia really REALLY messed up and probably should be banished or something.
I really like the story. The concept is unique and the story itself is just plain fun.
On the other hand I do have one nitpick. Sometimes it just doesn't seem like they're stuck. I think some of their movements are a little unreasonable given their situation
This part is just one example. I can see it in my mind, but the phrasing makes it seem as if Chrysalis is able to stand up separately from Celestia despite their situation making that largely improbable if not impossible; unless I'm just not visualising their situation properly.
Just a bit of a nitpick imo, but I can see it being a bit confusing to some.
It is still a great story despite that small thing. Keep up the good work.
2789978
That's a perfectly reasonable point, as well as a correct one. I'll be sure to point that out in later chapters.
2789009
She will get punished, just in time.
Celestia responded curtly, kicking a discarded pony skull into a pile of twisting vines.
WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2791026
SKULLS FOR THE SKULL GARDEN! :D
2791083 Thats messed up right?
this sounds good
is it me or is Celestia a little uncaring in this? XD
i laughed hard at the changeling screaming as she was flying. but why did she blush? i dont get that
2800514
... really?
3086193
so she grabbed panties? XD
I hope we get to see what Queen C. can really do as well
3089436
Or something more ... mature.
3091124
a dildo? how does "frilly swatch of fabric" of fabric translate to adult toy? XD
3093898
... I was talking about lingerie. Adult clothes.
3095017
ah lol XD
even more funny! XD
...Nevermind what I said last chapter.
2790438 Really? This seems to me like the sort of Equestria where the castle staff recruitment flyers have "Reasonably low chance of being killed with fire*!" on them.
* Also lightning, because Luna. And mind control, because Cadance.
Its deeeeeaaaadddd
'doesn’t' or is he dead?
is
delete 'it'
girth
???????????????????????
?monocles?
La-row!!