Chapter 12: A Broken Soul
My Life as a Hybrid
By ChaosDoomscythe/Doomscythe01
Chapter 12: A Broken Soul
When the girls, Shining and Bones popped back into the void, I had almost, almost been glomped by a sobbing Pinkie. With the quick reflexes and reaction time I gained through years of flight training and fighting with dad, I managed to shoot myself skyward, the pink mare missing by a hair’s width. With the pink pony out of reach, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had not wanted an emotional Pinkie trying to squeeze the life out of me.
Didn’t stop me from getting glomped by Flutershy though.
She managed to tackle me out of the air and we crashed on the nonexistent ground within my mind. She clutched me hard, and no matter how much I struggled, I couldn’t get the weeping mare off of me. After several attempts at freeing myself, I just sighed and went limp in her embrace, letting her do her thing. Didn’t know Fluttershy had that kind of grip.
And of course, Pinkie decided to glomp both of us, and then I stopped being able to breathe.
I had had enough.
The void shifted, and Pinkie and Flutters were back in line with the others facing me. The only ponies who weren’t shedding tears were Luna and Bones, and…
…
Correction - the only pony who wasn’t shedding tears was Luna.
Twilight wiped her eyes and looked at me, but it did little good as she still had tears falling down her face. “Shadow… I’m so sor-“
“I don’t want you pity, Twilight,” I interrupted, “nor do I want your sadness. I want your understanding. Now you know what happened. This was the catalyst that caused my brief decent into madness. After is death, I felt so empty inside. Mom, dad, and even Chrysalis did everything they could to snap me out of my sorrow and depression. Sky Shock, and all of my other friends visited me, tried everything they could think of to help me. Nothing worked. I was completely despondent, completely unresponsive. I responded to nothing. I did not eat. I did not sleep until my body shut down and forced me to, and even then I always had horrible, unforgiving nightmares. For a full year, I simply laid in my bed, and did absolutely nothing. If it weren’t an involuntary action, I’d have stopped breathing. Nothing else mattered to me anymore. I was just an empty vessel that no longer had a purpose, a reason to live.
“At least, that’s what I thought back then. The wound had been too fresh, and I was thinking with a sullied mind full of loss, sorrow and despair. I had no hope for anything. If mom didn’t come in every day and force feed me emotions to keep me alive and relatively healthy, I’d be dead and gone by now.”
“Even though you lost your brother,” Luna said, “that’s no reason to give up on living. I was banished to the moon for a thousand years, and even though my sister was in pain, she continued to move forward with her life.”
“The circumstances were different, almost entirely so. You were merely banished. Banishments can end. You had hope of returning, and that was a hope Celestia held on to. She held on to the hope that she would one day see you again, returned to your former glory.” My expression turned dark, and my voice grew deep, almost to a low growl. “I had no such hope. My brother’s soul was ripped out of our body and shattered. He has been wiped from existence. There is no hope of him returning to me, ever.”
“But still-“
“Stop. Just stop. There are a few things you all need to understand. First off, there’s the fact that I was torn from my world and thrown into this one, effectively causing me to abandon my own family. The heartache and loss I felt from that I kept bottled up inside of me for years, keeping it from Shadow and mom and dad. They never knew how much that truly hurt me, hurt my heart. I kept that from them. I had planned on telling them sooner, but then the condition with my and Shadow’s souls came up, and I had no intention of forcing them to listen to my now pointless pain. Losing a child is far worse than that.
“Second was the fact that he and I were connected on such a level that we knew things about each other that neither of us realized ourselves. You don’t lose someone who is that close to you and not grieve. Couple that with my bottled up feelings of abandonment I felt, and you have an instant depression, coupled with thoughts of regrets and wishes that life wasn’t so cruel.
“And finally, you are forgetting that I am a changeling. Changelings are empaths. We consume emotions. So when Shadow died, you can imagine that I wasn’t the only one feeling sadness, and despair, and loss. I said my mom had to force feed me emotions, and while that was true, I was also consuming all of the negative emotions of everyone who had been affected by Shadow’s loss. I thought, even in my lonely little dark pit, that I could lessen what they had to feel if only so they could recover from this loss faster.”
I looked down and away, from them, my voice becoming small and weak. “…But slowly, as I kept on consuming them, my thoughts got worse. My depression increased. I felt worthless. I felt like everything was my fault. That if I had never existed, none of this would’ve ever happened. I began to think that I was a burden on everyone, a blight upon the world that should be removed. I felt like my life’s purpose was to cause everyone pain. I know my mom and my brother were hurt by my death, and I could feel the pain coming from my other mom and dad. So after a year of this, that’s what I decided to do. To remove myself. To make their lives easier.
“I was weak. I was hungry. Malnourished. My body was as stiff as a board and my muscles had deteriorated from being unused for so long. But that didn’t stop me from crawling out of my bed, limping out of the cave, and forcing my exhausted body to walk back to the statue of Nightmare.“
And despite the mood, thoughts of what happened next managed to bring a small smile to my face. This did not go unnoticed, as the girls, and the guys looked at me with a curious face, despite some of them still shedding tears.
“That’s when dad surprised me.”
The void shifted, and we were sucked into another memory.
His wings were hanging limply at his sides. He had not the strength needed to even fold them. His feathers, or what was left on his wings, had all turned grey, as had his coat. His body, despite how tall he was for his age, was thin and lanky, a result of his malnourishment and lack of exercise. His ribs were showing through his fur, and his stomach looked almost like an empty pit. Were he in his hybrid form, his chitin would have been brittle and cracked, and his scales would’ve been blank and dulled. His normally spiked back mane and tail lay flat and limp, with splits and frayed ends from lack of care. His breathing was incredibly shallow, to the point he was taking two small breaths every second. His entire form was shivering and shaking with the effort needed to keep standing.
But worst of all were his eyes. It wasn’t the fact that he had heavy bags under them. It wasn’t that they were incredibly bloodshot from lack of moisture.
It was the fact that they were so empty.
His once normally vibrant emerald green eyes were now faded into a jaded dark forest green, and there was no hidden glow behind them. There were no thoughts, no emotions in those eyes.
They were dull.
They were weak.
They were empty.
Just as he was.
He felt nothing. He felt like he was nothing.
That’s what he felt like.
Now, he only needed to make it a reality.
It would be so simple. Just place his hooves on the altar, say a couple of forbidden words while using his magic-or what’s left of it-as a catalyst, and poof. He would be no more. It was so simple.
So why was he hesitating so much?
For the life of him, he didn’t know. He had been standing here, with his body threatening to give out on him every passing moment for the better of two and a half hours. The sun would be rising in less than half an hour, and his window of opportunity was fading. This could only be done during the hours of the night, and he was just standing there, looking at the statue of a fallen and corrupt princess.
‘…..Why?’
His parents would find him soon. If he didn’t act quickly, they would find him, and he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to be a burden for anyone anymore. He didn’t want to be the cause of so much strife and torment. So much pain. He didn’t want any of it.
He just wanted to sleep.
Over the past year, there were periods where his body would force him to sleep for three days at a time so he could recover his magic, which would simply be pushed out by his own will once he awoken so he could remain empty. He would be forced to have constant recurring and unending nightmares for three straight days and nights. He wanted the nightmares to end. He wanted a dreamless sleep. He wanted empty dreams where he wouldn’t have to see or feel what he felt when he lost Shadow over and over again, when he was ripped from his human mother and brother, where he wouldn’t have to see the pain and misery on all of their faces, and the faces of their friends.
He just wanted empty dreams.
He just wanted empty sleep.
And he didn’t want to wake from that, ever.
‘…That’s… what I want…’
But he couldn’t complete that final step. He couldn’t do it. He had been hesitating for so long, on this one simple step, to finally rid them, and himself, of the pain. He could finally become truly empty.
He could finally become truly nothing.
‘…So…why?’
Why couldn’t he do it? Why couldn’t he just end everything?
“….why can’t I… go to sleep?”
His voice was so weak and raspy that he himself almost couldn’t hear what he said.
So it was a surprise when someone else did.
“Because that’s not what Shadow would want.”
Radiant didn’t even need to turn to know who the voice belonged to. Instead, he let his head fall limp, which nearly toppled him over on its own, showing how weak he truly was, and clenched his eyes shut with as much strength as he could muster. He sucked in as much air as his already strained lungs could, and let out as great a huff he could manage that sent him into a wheezing fit. From there, his body finally gave in, and he collapsed, his body still trembling even as he lied on his side on the dirt.
And for the first time in a year, he felt.
He felt pain.
A pain he couldn’t describe, but was focused in two areas.
His heart and his soul.
The pain was so intense he became even further crippled by it. His body curled in on itself, one of his hooves going towards his heart, the other circling around his stomach as much as it could. He let out more huffs, unable to control himself as the rest of his forgotten emotions began hovering to the surface.
Anger.
Hate.
Sadness.
Despair.
Loss.
Loneliness.
Solitude.
And even through all of that, he still somehow managed to remain empty. As his body was wracked with sobs, the empty hole that was formed over a year ago was still there.
And it would never be filled.
And that caused him even more pain.
A mere seven words had unlocked so much suffering, suffering that had accumulated over the years he spent with his new family, and from their recent loss. This suffering had been born from his feelings of loss and abandonment when he had been torn from the lives of his human family and friends, built up over the course of his time in Equestria, and thrown into a boiling point with the loss of Shadow Flare. The stewing pot of emotions began to accumulate an unforeseen pressure as he took in the negative emotions of those who also suffered from Shadows loss.
His mother.
His father.
Their friends.
The pot couldn’t take it anymore. And with seven small words, it burst in a violent explosion. And now all those negative feelings and emotions were overwhelming Radiant to the point where he was completely unable to move, aside from his constant, uncontrollable tremors. If he had the ability to, he would be crying, or at the very least, shedding tears from the emotional onslaught he was taking.
But he had cried out all of his tears long ago.
He felt two claws gently pick him up and hug him close to something incredibly warm, and then felt himself further wrapped up in two leathery appendages. His father leaned down and whispered in his ear.
“Shadow would want you to keep living. He wants you to experience the true joys this life of yours can offer. He wants you to survive, and become stronger from this.”
“…I… I c-can’t”
“Yes you can.”
“I…won’t! I c-can’t…”
“You have to. You owe it to your brother to keep living. He gave his life for you, Radiant. He wanted you to live, son.” He felt his adoptive father lightly nuzzling the top of his head. Shadow twitched violently.
“H-how can… you s-still call… me… H-he… lost his life… bec-cause of m-me…”
He felt his father shake his head in denial. “No, he gave his life for you. He knew what you were trying to do for him. All the nights you spent researching spells, trying to find ways to rescue his soul while you thought he was unaware. He told us, your mother and me.” Radiant twitched again. “He knew. And he came to us. He told us. And then he asked us to do something if it came down to it.”
Platinum suddenly felt his son struggling in his grasp, trying to pull away from him, shaking his head and twitching all the while, but he lacked the strength or the stamina to do it. “No! You’re l-lying... he didn’t- h-he wouldn’t!”
“He did,” he sighed. “He asked us that if it came down to it… that we let him die so you could experience a full life the life you deserve.”
“NO!”
“And he left a message for you.”
Radiant stopped moving. Aside from the little tremors his body still gave, he had stopped entirely. His eyes were wide as he slowly asked, “……wh-…..what?”
Slowly, Platinum set Radiant down on the ground on his stomach so he could read the piece of parchment that he withdrew from his tail grasp. He pulled off the blue ribbon, and unrolled it, before laying it in front of Radiant. He sat next to his son as Radiant silently read over it.
Together, the two of them stayed in silence for a long while, Radiant reading, and re-reading the message over and over again. Every time he did, Platinum saw life flooding back into his eyes, hope rising up inside of him just as the sun rose over the horizon. Finally, Radiant Nova spoke up.
“Okay… I-I promise, little b-brother… I p-promise to live…”
Expending what little magic remained in his body, Radiant let out a small ember of black and green flames, and watched as the scroll was burned in front of him. He watched as the embers and ashes floated up into the sky until the letter was gone completely. Then he turned to his adoptive father, and said…
“I’m hungry.”
Platinum couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle. “Alright. Let’s get you something to eat then.”
He lifted up Radiant in his arms and flapped his massive wings, flying off towards their cave. As he was flying, he heard his son speak again.
“I promise… I promise Shadow Flare…
“For the both of us… I promise...”
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Nice chapter.
4280345 Thanks!
4281072 You know what i find odd? Is the fact that fimfic does have high standards. It's not Equestria Daily, the place where the standards are so high people have to climb a skyscraper with a broom shoved so far up their flanks just to get started. This is fimfiction, a place where you should be able to just make a story because you want to. because you want people to read it and enjoy it.
I understand that people dont like it because whatever reason, but must they really down vote without actually going through and giving the story a chance? It's like they read the summary, say 'Nope', and down vote it just because they had preconceptions about how the story's going to go. It's kinda why i wish the downvote system didn't exist here, so people dont have to worry about that. Sometimes, i think the downvote system gets in the way of truly good stories, cause people will downvote for no reason other than 'it sounds like crap.'
But oh well, i'll take my like and my faves and cherish what i got. Even if people want to be mean and vote my story down for no reason, ima keep writing because it's what I want to do, and i have people who actually like reading my stuff.
So, in line with that: Thank you for your kind words, my friend!
and a zebra hybrid?
How'd you figure that?.
I enjoyed the new chapter, keep them coming!!
4281368 Will do!
an
affected
something tells me you forgot to put and between these
even
I think you forgot to finish your sentence again
capitalize
Some nice feels going on here. I like it/ hate it. Its great!
4281967 Okay. You. From now on, write the entire sentence, or at least longer potions of the sentence so it makes it easier to find where this stuff is. Trying to find 3 words in a sea of them.... not easy, and not fun.
Also, thanks.
THE FEELS!
Uh... (
the feels man)
how can a skeleton cry? Nevermind, I don't want to know