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A teenage boy with incredible powers finds himself in a land he knows about, but cannot leave for a while because of actions he has done so he and his pet decide to have an adventure through out this land finding things along the way and making friends along the way and finding out in the end that his earlier actions will cause great change in his future...
Editors/Proofreaders who have help me with my story: That1Brony3
Conservative criticism is welcomed :^)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Another epic adventure in the life of Gary Stu, our favorite character in Mlp.
2749723 might seem like it at first but it isn't
Okay before I start reading I am going to say this once. You don't need to say this is your first story in the story if you say that in the desciption
Chapter one is missing a few words. other than that not bad
3035659 Thanks
... and yea I know It was kinda rushed to get to the point
I fined this a good start to a story. I do hope to see more soon. Yes you cooed have elaborated the story more but steel it is good. I do like the direction the story is going. The form he is in is a alicorn. Wood this not lead the ponys in Ponyville to mistake him to be royalty? The girls find him good looking. Wood not the princess find him hot, as there is no males alicorn in Equestria? It wood be fun to see one or both the princess try seducing him. Will keep up the good work and again I do hope to see more soon.
Dragonfox
3090776 Thanks man ... Yes I kinda did forget about the ponies reaction to my OC being a alicorn but I can fix that in the next couple of chapters ... And also I have currently written 12 chapters and the reason for the lack of updates is school and other things that came up... Oops. And I still need an editor and a pre reader... But I'll be updating this weekend...
PS... One of the things you said is already written ...
Cliched HiE Awwwwaaaa~y!
3173980 thanks for the defense... I hope you've liked the story so far
Nice work bro. Keep it up.
Also thanks again for the advice
3271490 you are very welcome :^)
3173980
Depends on how good of a storyteller they are.
3169824
HA!
I like it. I'd just like to point out there are some minor grammar mistakes and a few words missing in some sentences. And for your future reference, when writing different characters, try to access a different mindset. I can see that every character is just your voice put throu a small filter of words. Even if you access, say, your bitchy side. Then use all the words you would say if you were being bitchy. It gives characters depth and you an excellent story
LIGHT GRAY. I still like the story, but she is white
3595477 hmm thinking about you might have a point there... thanks :^)
Awesome
3728393 thanks!... I love feedback like that..
good good god need MAOR!
3731303 I'm human not a robot... Geez... I would like to but its takes time to write...
Jk... I just don't plan on updating this weekend
dude that was awesome great book
=
i like it, nice
nice chapter and The bass gets louder!
yeah!!!! 300 views... I'm going to chill for a bit
I wood like to let you know that I am enjoying the story and hope to see more of it.
What I like to know is the chaos spawn going to go after Discord? Is Discord steel stone? Can the chaos spawn revive Discord? Wood Discord become evole Chaos?
Dragonfox
4002749 my intention is for discord to "accidentally" awaken whats inside and for our hero's to have combat... with this mysterious entity.
but thats a while away so say tune for more chapters..
First story, eh? I'll be sure to be extra harsh, because that's the only way one learns.
It was said recently by the Poet Laureate of the United States that everyone has 200 bad poems in them, and it's best to get them out early. I believe a correlate exists among fiction.
4585679 that was the message I gave to my readers a year ago.... Lol if you see this story is on hiatus... If you really have a sincere critic then be my guest. Give me 20 things that's wrong with this fanfic... And I also review stories so I know if your suggestions are for real or not... I know my story isn't 100% perfect but I would like to know whats the issue with it is than dislike and a quote that has no context to back it up with my story
4585709
No comma after "about"
Okay, first of all, this is an incredibly vague statement which provides very little in the way of information.
Second of all, you need a comma after "done"
throughout
Also, "this land" is extremely vague. Obviously, it refers to the "land he knows about" but we can only assume that's Equestria through the fact that this story was posted on FimFiction makes it obvious. Even so, this is weak language
This goes for "finding things" as well. Weak language. What things, what are they and what significance do they have? Are they ephemeral concepts or concrete objects? (Note: I don't actually care, I'm just pointing out how weak this is.)
Run-on sentence.
Also ending on an ellipses, which isn't technically improper but is certainly something you should only use sparingly. As it is, the sentence just trails off into oblivion, rather like this fic.
So let's count it up...
8 problems discovered already and I haven't even left the description.
What makes you think I want to read your sex/gore Gary Stu fic enough to find your arbitrary request of 20?
(Oh, just for kicks...)
"That"
"If you'll notice"
"If you really have sincere criticisms"
You put 2 spaces between "review" and "stories"
"if your suggestions are correct or not"
Yeah, it's definitely not 100% perfect~
"to know what the issue with it is than just receive a dislike and a quote."
Also you use tons of ellipses which are completely unnecessary and make your writing look childish and weak.
So you review stories, huh?
4585747 I don't really care about how I write in comments and I write for fun and to get concepts out. I help people who struggle with writting... And its nice that someone doesn't like my story.... If you would really like I wouldn't mind a review... I just can't justify hate with no context its like being a troll tbh
4585747 and to add I see you write fanfics too ... That's good I respect people who write too. But I don't respect your aggressive nature... It doesn't affect me you know I'm just here reading and analyzing your tone and language. If you're here to make me feel bad well good luck :P I am proud of my writing and I've been critic even worse because that was face to face.
At the end of the day its just writing its meant to entertain people and so far 32 have enjoyed it and people who have disliked it have at least told me why...
4606497 ah... The face of awesomeness... Why that face
Does the author have a vendetta against the comma key?~
5021408 I do. I suck at properly using it and even my editor isn't perfect at it :P.
But I've found other ways to create pauses in my story.
“Celelstia it was also a pleasure meeting you and like Raphiel said it was short but I hope for more of these meets” he said shaking her hand
Who is celelstia?
5500970 princess Celestia or molly ;) but yea it's the sun god of awesomeness
Kay.
Good start, loved it. Let's see how it's like along the way.
5623297 it just gets better and better :D
WHAIT.... How tall is Hassiel compared to Celestia
5999474 that's a good question I've been stuck on that for a while now to be honest I would say as tall as big Mac but not as bulky which would make the height reasonable
6002682 That would actually make sense
6002682 how long till next chapter