Destiny Aroura arrived in Equestria not knowing what happened or how, but she was not going to trot around for the answer. As she explores the land of magic, she finds herself growing attached to it, until she bumped into the mane 6. They soon get along with each other exept the suspicious Rainbow Dash. Destiny becomes even more confused when a new threat attacks Equestria. Something that Destiny attracted, something that even the friendship of magic might not stop...
What will the mane six do?
Chapters (2)
Chapter 1:
I don't think you need to specify that Sally is a human, as I don't think there are many sapient, anthropomorphic ponies in the Earth city of Manhattan (<- the correct spelling), yet alone any named Sally.
Mind expounding on what this "interesting" book might be? Because if it was that interesting, I think you would have found a title for the book.
Are you kidding me? You're in one of the most exciting cities of the world! Broadway, Times Square, you name it. If you want excitement, go out and find it. How very typical of a self-insert OC to have such a naively negative view of the world.
MOOOONCHIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLD!!!!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sure this fic will be VERY original.
Not even 200 words in and we're beginning the plot?
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And she gets to meet the Mane 6 immediately.
Pacing! It's not just for joggers anymore!
You know, this isn't a comic book. Describe the sound, not just spell the onomatopoeia and put asterisks around it.
Cool. Now what do these characters look like? Are they human? What do they look like? Again, for all you know, I'm a newcomer to the show, and I don't know who any of these characters are. Describe them for your readers, new or old.
Wow, could you seriously not be bothered to just say, "She looked at her hands only to see them replaced by two hard, flat ends," or, "She looked at her body and saw that it was covered with fur?"
And where exactly is she right now to know that she isn't "home?" Again, build your settings. I know how badly you want to be besties with the Mane 6, but I won't allow you to rush through your story, setting, and characters just to do so.
Careful now. I'll be looking out for this phrase.
Your can't remember you race? Applejack may be Southern, but she isn't dumb.
Huh, so an orange pony speaks (broken) English to her, and her first reaction is to relax? Tell me, if you saw such a sight, would you just totally be cool about that, or would you even be more scared? If you answered for the latter choice, congratulations, you have a working brain.
Wait, how did she know Applejack's name? How did she know she was in THE library, as in implying she knows that she's in Twilight's library? Unless... she's a brony?
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And I'm guessing the fact that this unicorn knows Applejack's name without meeting her or her introducing herself is going to go unnoticed.
Sally, how in your right mind can you still be cool with all of this?
Well, she sure isn't acting like it.
This is going to be a long fic...
You haven't been on FIMFiction for very long, have you, Applejack?
So instead of taking the train or a carriage there, I appeared in a thunderbolt! That's totally not suspicious, right?
RIGHT? 
Naw, she ain't lucky, the author's just good at warping the canon to suit her self-serving fantasies.
Oh, this should be rich.
This looks like a job for...
Canon-Destroying Author!
And once again, the fic is saved, thanks to: Canon-Destroying Author!
Yay! Instant friends! Because fuck conflict.
Yep, you're boned.
Crisis averted everyone. What, did you think I was going to make it hard for my totally NOT Mary-Sue character to fit into Equestrian society? Heyell no!
I can tell.
Still, even if you write and draw comics, you have to know how to make a story and characters, and I don't see it in this fic.
If one of your comments is by moviemaster, then your story SUCKS!
2748526
Chapter 2:
Yeah, I'm sure if someone was hit with glass like that, this is what would happen.
It's quite common this time of year.
Yeah, if her eyes were "caked" with blood as you described, I think that means she lost enough blood to have died.
But what am I thinking? Your character can't possibly die, because she's FAR too interesting for THAT to happen!
Your capitalizations are a bit weird.
1. One paragraph per speaker. No exceptions.
2. I'm interested to know how she survived such severe head trauma and has suffered absolutely no brain damage as a result.
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Oh yeah, CLEARLY Ponyville is a regular utopia.
As if showing up on the laps of the Mane 6 wasn't enough to force them to be friends with her...
*snickers* What? It was unintentionally funny then, and it's still funny now.
I could have sworn that was Rarity...
Huh? You do know the twins are babies, right? What, did they add a "secret ingredient" to the cakes?
And what, pray tell, is a "sucky" cup?
oooOOOOOooo. FOREshadowing!
I knew the tense changes were going to come sooner or later...
Dun dun dun...
And not one of them suspicious...
This must be what? Oh, I see... THAT plot...
And when did this happen? GOD, your storytelling abilities are horrid.
Speaking of, what does Destiny look like?
And will the reader care? Probably not.
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Jesus, reading this fic is like playing a video game by watching nothing but the cutscenes. I only know a fraction of what's going on, and I get bored after five minutes.
Like how we just come at this scene randomly. Where's the buildup? Where's the tension? We're literally just hopping from scene to scene and there's nothing to engage the reader in any way shape or form.
It's pretty much the textbook definition of "tedious."
Still don't care.
She... fell? The pony with wings and is an expert flyer... fell?
Like maybe a story more interesting than this one.
So, what are we dealing with now?
What is this book that brought Sally to Equestria? Where did this large pane of glass come from? Why is Fluttershy acting so suspicious? What is this writing on the walls? What's Princess Luna have to do with this?
All of these questions established in just 2,000 words?
That's nice. I was still able to write my first chapter to my Attack on Titan fic during finals, and look at how well that turned out.
*rereads review*
Um, kinda?
I think the errors are quite apparent. As for things to add, just stop. You're putting WAY too much in and it's killing your fic, that is, if your self insert Mary Sue of an OC and the OOC canon characters wasn't doing that first.
Honestly, this needs a facelift of epic proportions.
The story is really rushed, you don't describe anything usefull, the various characters don't act like living being at all and there is nothing original in this story so far.
2748762
This is "destiny's dad and I have to tell you that I'm not the least impressed with the way you've commented on her story. First of all, she's only 13 and trying to become an aspiring writer. How many 13-year old kids have the fortitude and will to hone their skills, let alone put it out there for others to see and critique. All she asked for was an honest assessment of her work and some "gentle" guidance. What I see here is a bunch of jerks pouncing on any opportunity to flex their flaccid egos.
Displaying vulgarity (middle-fingers) and profanity-laced comments aren't what I expect my child to be subjected too. The internet can be a cruel place, rife with fragile souls like yours. Do yourselves & my kid a favor by stopping the nonsensical diatribes & vanishing into oblivion.
So for all of you minions out there, either keep it constructive or crawl back to your parents' laps-you're really demonstrating lots of adolescence and not worth the few minutes I spent typing this.
2750013
Thank you for your honest opinion , i will keep working on it.
2748545 If you think that you are actually helping authors, I'll insert a pole up my asshole... if you really are. ;)
2748545
Wow, I'm so impressed by your encouragement you've bestowed upon my 13-yr. daughter! I'd recommend you take on a coaching or a motivational speaker career-you'd excel quite well...
Another worthless comment...
2750350
Frankly, I'm not impressed with her story in general, but I'll still hear you out.
And how exactly was I supposed to know that? She never said anything like that in her description or mentioned it in her story (not that she needed to), but I can't be held accountable for what happens in a website mostly populated with people between the ages of 18 - 21 such as myself. Trust me, sir, if I knew your daughter's age, I would have been a lot more lenient in my review, but please understand right now that I do these reviews for comedic purposes, and if I get a bit "blue" it's just the kind of humor I work with, especially when the vast majority users on this site are comfortable with such language.
Not a lot, and I believe that's commendable, especially when she puts her story on a site like this. And if you're confused what I mean by "site like this," feel free to take a look around. I think you'll be quite speechless.
My words were MORE than honest, but I personally don't go by "gentle guidance." You don't learn how to ride a bike by sticking to training wheels. You learn by taking them off, falling off of it, and learning not to do whatever it is you did again. You don't learn about hot by looking at a picture of fire or watching it in a video, you learn by getting too close to a real fire, burning yourself and learning not to get so close again.
Writing normally works the same way. You don't become a better writer by people telling you how good the story is. You learn by people telling you that the story is bad and learning from what made the story bad in the first place and fixing said errors to make the story better, just like I and most others on this site.
You wouldn't believe how many people on this site post, "This is my first story, so go easy on me." Again, because this is a site mainly populated by 18 - 21 year olds, that usually comes across as being thin-skinned. Thanks to the anonymity of the internet, I can't tell whether your daughter is six or whether she's sixty, so I wouldn't know how old she is, and thus wouldn't know to not talk to her like she's between the ages of 18 and 21.
You've probably summed up stand-up comedy in a nutshell.
Then again, she probably shouldn't post a story on an adult website (and as badly as you want to say that because it's a website dedicated to My Little Pony that it's meant for girls, you're dead, dead wrong. Don't believe me? Just tool around on the sight. Just make sure your daughter's not in the room with you and you delete the history when you're done).
This is the same crap that was happening when Watchmen came out. You wouldn't believe the backlash that movie caused when it came out from parents. "This movie isn't suitable for kids!" Of course not! Did you not see the big "Rated R" on the poster or the commercials on TV? I don't care if the movie is about superheroes, you don't bring your kid to an R-rated movie, just like you don't let kids tool around on adult websites.
I don't think "vanishing into oblivion" is going to be that big of a problem, sir. I have a sizable fanbase on this site through my reviews and stories, and it's growing every day. I understand that the internet is a cruel place, but I guarantee you that behind my nonsensical diatribes, I only want to help. I've actually gotten users on this site to actually buckle down and fix their stories with my reviews and I congratulate them on their efforts.
The problem is is that 9.9 times out of 10, anybody who comes in with a review that amounts simply to, "This story is not good. I dislike it," you know, something repectable like that, the author will ignore it or say something like, "Whatever, ________ (insert expletive insult here)."
I tend to be more biting in my reviews because it's the only way they'll listen. And again, most viewers on this site are voting age, so I assume that they can handle those words.
If you want me to give a calmer and less biting review to your child, I will happily do so. Expect me back soon.
Here's my honest review.
The story is not very good. The main problems can be divided into three parts:
1. The Characters
Destiny Aroura is what people in the fanfiction community call a Mary-Sue, which is a character in a fictional work that has no flaws. Just imagine, if you will, you're at school, and a new girl arrives that's perfect in every way, shape, or form. She's beautiful, she's thin, she's nice and kind, she's athletic, and on top of it, she's better at all of those things than you'll ever be. On top of all that, she barely has to lift a finger to make friends. It's like she exhales and people flock to her like dogs to a bone. Would you find such a person tolerable in real life?
No, because it seems that for everything in your life that you worked hard to achieve, this person is better than you at it and she doesn't even work that hard at it. In fact, I predict that you'd hate a person like that, so when you write original characters, please spare your readers such a character as I had described.
Also, the canon characters (which are described as characters that already exist within the show) are out of character (OOC). No one seems to be suspicious of this mystery unicorn that falls out of the sky, and her excuse for appearing is that she was supposedly moving and/or going on vacation. Twilight, at the very least, would find it odd that she wouldn't just take a train or a carriage.
It also seems that these ponies are just going out of their way to become friends with her, when in reality, they would have to slowly dismount their suspicions of her (like any normal person/pony would) before they could trust her and become friends, much like they did with Zecora in Bridle Gossip.
2. The Setting
In order for a reader to be invested in a story, they need a clear idea of the world around them that they can inhabit and experience like one would a good movie. Without setting, the reader can only assume that the characters are set in a blank void, and that's not interesting.
3. The Story/Plot
The story is one that's been done quite often on this site. In fact, if I had a nickel for every, "Human-Goes-to-Equestria-and-Becomes-Best-Friends-with-the-Mane-6" story on this site, I could probably buy Facebook.
The plot, however, as well as its execution, is rushed and hollow. So many things happen and so many questions are left unanswered within the course of just a couple-thousand words, that the reader cannot possibly keep track.
On top of that, there doesn't seem to be an ounce of real or tangible conflict to hold the story together. Every mistake that Destiny makes that reveals her knowledge of the world of Equestria is shooed away and never mentioned again, and any suspicions that Twilight and her friends would have of her are nonexistent. They just become friends like *snap* and there's nothing else to it.
____________________________________________________________________________
And I know your daughter is only 13, and this is a lot to take in, but I assure you that mistakes like these will cripple authors of any age, and they need to be fixed and addressed when they arrive. Again, I only want to help, and I can only hope that this review is enough to make amends.
Ciao.
2750362 Please go ahead and block him. He's a cretin who goes around and bashes people's stories because he writes stories just as bad (if not, worse).
BTW, that middle finger you referred to was directed towards him and not you or your daughter.
2750350
Somebody really likes themselves and finds the use of big words to be impressive.
Honestly I don't know if you're for real and I don't really care either. My only real question is why was my comment deleted when it really asked what an "Aroura" was and how you were supposed to pronounce it?
If it's a simple spelling mistake, as I think it was, then fix it. If it's not and it's supposed to be that way then a little explanation is in order. That's not asking too much is it?