Matt has been running from...something. and when he is found in the Ever Free Forest by the mane 6, crippled, bloodied, and broken. The ponies must find if this strange creature has good, or evil intentions.
Matt himself, must also come to terms with the horrible memories that still cloud his mind, and must find out how to get back home. That is, if he even wants to go home.
A HIE story of a war veteran with a...troubled past.
This story will have some elements of a comedy, so it is not all dark and gloomy.
My first attempt at a FIMfic, give me your reviews, and your criticism.
Chapters (6)
Not bad.
I look forward to the upcoming chapters.
interested.... tracking
Interesting, might I offers some advice? You've too many POV shifts, narrow the down to 1-2 max and describe everything else in a more god-like perspective. I mean omnipotent narrorator, otherwise it gets somewhat tedious. Personally I think the story could be more streamlined if you kept Matt's POV, but everything else you'll describe as an omnipotent narrorator.
Just my ten cents. I'll track this as I'm curious as to where it leads, Everfree cliche aside. (Might have something to do with the fact that I'm a sucker for silhouettes.)
I need moar.This is pure awsome.
Red alert eh?
Fascinating.
Quite interesting... better than I thought it would have been. Tracked, good sir!
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Alright, I was mostly planning on keeping POV shifts low, but with a chapter like this, that is pretty hard to do.
I will also try to keep a third person perspective as much as possible, but there might be a few FP sections mixed in.
Alright I have started writing the second chapter, expect it to be out within two or three days.
I thought that while I still have ideas, I might as well keep writing. I must keep going before I forget ideas or until writers block sneaks up on me.
I am also a rather fast typer, so expect a semi-reg update every few days or so.
An awesome story I am in the beginning of writing an HiE fix and I was having trouble brainstorming any ideas for an exposition and your fix really got the ball rolling it awesome definitely tracking
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For the record, I would highly reccomend against switching to first person after the 3rd person has been established. It'll get confusing. I'm only trying to help, so take my advice as you will. Unless you have 1st person from the get-go, adding 1st person POVs after your first chapter will seem weird at best.
Cheers!
yayaya tracking
i noticed only one grammatical and one spelling error, although they aren't too bad
definitely tracking this
228333
Yea, I always got annoyed when there was a crap load of grammar issues. I didn't want to be a hypocrite so I ran through it like 3 times before publishing.
Cant wait for the next chapter.
dear princess celestia, KILL MAIM BURN KILL MAIM BURN KILL MAIM BURN!
1.bp.blogspot.com/-QBoMLH6EvAY/TliCTVd9FgI/AAAAAAAAARk/m1XoRzXzIpg/s1600/5353.awww+yeah.jpg
I've waited for this chapter. Now I wait for the next.
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I am typing it now, Expect it to be out by tomorrow
I will probably unleash another two chapters by the end of this weekend, provided the ideas continue to flow into my head.
Matt seems a little too willing to just accept this scenario. Why not make him more skeptical? He doesnt' have to actively voice them, just make him think more skeptically, please. Maybe he'll honestly belive he's gone insane, or that he's being mentally tortued by the Russians to get info - perhaps he'll think the ponies are Russian creations designed to make him reveal secrets or something? Also, thoughts are usually in italics.
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I began thinking about that after writing the chapter, I just forgot to edit it. The third already has the same elements. You will find out later today.
Second chapter has been slightly rewritten, only parts that changed were the scene where Matt wakes back up for the second time. Re-read this section if you don't want to get confused.
Between today's episode and pinkies question my room turned into a wormhole
Oh, regnier likes your story but we have to go defeat encablossa now, bitch's minions stole my bacon
Interesting, interesting. I think what's missing here is Matt's reasoning for believing Eqeustria is a hoax. Explain his POV more about why he would think that, not his conclusions. Maybe somepony wil laks a question that's he's uncomfortalbe with and he'll sarcsaticallyr reply, "Sure thing, Reznov." - an allusion to Black Ops. Or something to the effect. You've giving us his conclusions, not his propositions.
Cheers!
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Don't worry about that, I was going to give Matt's reasoning a place to shine in the next chapter. Just wait for it and you'll see.
"Talk, Dirt! Tell what I want to know!"
The Dirt remains silent.
Luna is best ninja
luna is best pony
[img]obama-not-bad-campaign-poster[/img]
What that one in to screw that it is clean or not? What each takes care of his bottom and all will go better.
What that one in to screw that it is clean or not? What each takes care of his bottom and all will go better.
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ummmmmmmmmmm
que?
Pinkie stop breaking the foruth wall!
Awesome. Keep up the good work!
i agree with XRunnerGuy great job!
aklfndselngo;eekvm sf;kmeal/f vxc yay yay yay
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awesome sauce
Now stop! Grammar Time!
Biggest issue is your misuse of periods. Periods at the end of quotations imply the end of a thought; IE: "I just don't know any more.... I just don't know." Matt sighed - implies he spoke and then sighed whereas, "I just don't know any more.... I just don't know," Matt sighed - implies he sighed the dialogue. Biggest offender was, "Fuck you. If she." Matt pointed to the women. "Gets hurt, I will personally-" as the periods imply he didn't finish his sentence and just stopped mid-thought; they should be commas as to signify that he did that action while speaking. Other than one or two misspells and a couple of missing periods grammar is otherwise fine, if minutely awkward at times.
Also, why are all the troops in Paris American? Shouldn't there also be French troops, or at the very least NATO (or Allied) troops? Being that the bad guys are Soviets (A noun you should use more as I love saying soviet out loud) then shouldn't it be before the 90s? Because of one line "-of American Army men and women with-" implies that this is set in the modern world as female troops weren't given front line privileges until about a few weeks ago IIRC. Also the iPod and TF2 make it clear that it's present esque day. What's that all about?
Sorry if I'm being overly critical, I'm a stickler for lore. For my own Fiction I have a half-inch lore bible (That I wrote) that details everything from the geopolitical environment to the genealogy of my main character; so I'm huge when it comes to background details that make the world a richer place. At least a vague mentioning of the geopolitical world of your version of Earth would help. as an unrelated side note I really wanted Matt to sarcastically tell Celestia, "My name is Victor Reznov and I will have my revenge."
Complaints aside, I'm enjoying this more than I thought I would. I'm always glad to see first time writers (including myself) doing well. Keep up the good work!
Luna can turn invisible?
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I did kinda notice my period misuse. But as for the storyline, I did mention what some of the opposing countries were in the first chapter. I said the Russians, North Korea, and the Middle eastern union. The latter two have not made their presence yet known in Matt's memories, since he was deployed in Italy for two years, indicating he is in Europe, his main antagonists are the Russians. I also mentioned that the year is in 2020 as well in the beginning of the story, in the exposition specifically.
And for the Americans in Paris portion, I do believe I mentioned the french forces during the original charge, in the first memory of Matt's experiences when he looked out the window. When he saw the burning Eiffel tower. And when the Russians had entered the building, then that implied that the french forces had been defeated.
As for the Russian name, at this point I am just calling them Russians, I will probably give them an actual name when Twilight is asking Matt stuff.
And thank you for your critique.
[img]1277604778482[/img]
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Odd, I don't remember any of that exposition. All I remember the events the took place and that Rocky had his own POV for some reason. Modern day France actually has a pretty respectable army (as much as it pains me to admit) and it seems unlikely that they would crumble so quickly when they have the backing of the allies already there even with Russian stealth tech. I mean, you'd think the soviets would've had to push through Germany at least, and that should have sent Supreme Allied Command into a frenzy. Modern Germany's no push over either. My qualms with story would all vanish if you referenced Tesla coil technology; Red Alert 2 was spectacular game, look 'Command and Conquer: Red Alert' up if you don't know what I'm referring to.
Historical note: by 2020 it is believed that N. Korea will have collapsed as no one (not even IRL China) supports them. IRL China actually supports a united Korea under the current South Korean government. I'm willing to suspend my disbelief for the Mid-East union as implausible as that is (The middle east hates itself, even Iraq is borderline civil war because of how much the people hate each other).
Is it just me or did the guy above me post a comment without any words?
264627 its not just you
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Like I said: I'm incredibly finicky on the minor details. The back story for my fic would double as a historical novel in its own right. But then again, I had to tailor a unique but interesting world without violating show canon while still being entirely original. Don't even get me started on other lore back stories to fics I haven't even begun on. So yeah, forgive me if I'm super picky with the little details.
So long everything is properly elaborated upon then everything should sail smoothly.
264627
It is just a story
but I guess that we can just call it an alternate earth where the implausible happens.
Like maybe North Korea conquered SK in the dawning of the war with Russian support from years earlier. The middle est finally figured out that the tomato is indeed a fruit (I don''t know) And there was a small break in the German defense that the Russians exploited with the new stealth.
And also, I sorta made it so that there was only like two American patrols in the city, I'll be sure to put that in the next memory. And the majority of the french were spread to different locations to support its allies.
I will kinda post unlikely things in the next chapter, while Twilight is asking questions to patch some of this up.
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don't worry about it, I did ask for reviews and critique
even if this fic suddenly went down the toilet I will have some info on how to make a better one.
This is quite a very good story so far.
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I would hope so sir!
Why did this just update inside my tracking inbox?
287084
That happened to me as well.