The Return of Mare Do Well

by L_Wolf

Roomates and Memories

Chapter 1

Starbloom groaned rolled out of bed earlier then she wanted hearing a knock at the door. She used her magic to turn on the light and goes to the door glancing at the clock mumbling, she had only gotten 5 hours of sleep so she was feeling grumpy. She used her magic to open the door to her room. "May I help you Sweetie Belle?" She asked with a faint hint of displeasure in her voice.

"Good morning to you to Starbloom," said the familiar voice of her room-mate Sweetie Belle, as she came in to the bed room, "You looked like a manicore stepped on you. Still think this late night job of yours is a good idea?" Sweetie Belle asked going to sit on a floor cushion looking over at Starbloom.

Starbloom grumbled softly as she headed over to her bed and flopped down resting her head on the pillow with a yawn. Sweetie was one of only a handful of ponies who knew she was Mare Do Well, Twilight and the Elements of Harmony and Spike being the others. She kept the secret from as many people as she could, even Scootaloo and Apple Bloom, not that she didn't trust them. But she felt better the fewer others knew about it. "Of course, this city needs help and the police are to corrupt to do anything, someone needs to do something to help." Starbloom said looking up at Sweetie Belle, she must admit Sweetie grew into a lovely young mare. Tall, even more so then Rarity, graceful and slender, with a long horn, a pale coat, and a pink and purple mane that curled ever so slightly at the edges. She eventually got her cutie mark in singing, little surprise there. "So how was Equestria's newest singing sensations tour?" Starbloom eventually asked causing Sweetie Belle to blush.

"I'm not that popular a singer, I just do some concerts and broadway numbers." Sweetie Belle said trying to hide her embarrassment. "It was good, stopped in at Ponyville and saw everyone, Twilight is still worried about your decision to go vigilantly. She might be a princess now, but if you get caught there isn't to much she can do."

"I know she's worried, and she can't do much to help me... but I wont change my mind Sweetie Belle." She said softly taking a deep breath closing her eyes. "I guess Scootaloo's determination rubbed off on me." She sighed softly, Scootaloo's situation caught everyone off guard. She never did learn to fly, they eventually discovered she had a rare defect in her wings that caused them not to produce the enough magic to allow her to do more then hover a few feet.

Both she and Twilight did all they could to find a cure but they didn't have any luck. Scootaloo took it hard at first, but her determination kicked in and she focused on becoming the best scooter rider in all Equestria, she finally earned a cutie mark of a flaming wheel when she managed to beat to Rainbow Dash in a race. Scootaloo was now the captain of a team of scooter racers and Stunt performers called the Blazing Wheels.

They also learned Scootaloo did in fact have a home, but her mother had passed away and her father wasn't fit to take care of her, Rainbow Dash took her and eventually adopted her officially which made Scootaloo happy. She got into reading Daring Doo books, started doing better in school and helped take care of Tank.

Sweetie Belle sighed softly and nodding as she leaned back on the cushion humming softly for a minute before looking at Starbloom, "Apple Bloom is pregnant," she suddenly said which caught Starbloom off guard, she sat up quickily looking at Sweetie Belle her eyes big. "You wouldn't believe it but she and Feather Weight got together. Applejack is both overjoyed and pretty upset they didn't wait till they got married first."

Starbloom just stared at Sweetie Belle like she had grown a second head, "What?! Apple Bloom and Feather Weight? I though they hated each other? Specially after he took those black mail pictures during the Gabby Gums thing at school." Starbloom shook her head and rubbed her face before using her magic to float over a bottle of orange juice and took a drink and clear her thoughts. She took a deep breath before speaking again, "Well I hope they are happy together, but what about her job?"

"It's still early so she's still working at the construction company in Ponyville, plus she has her paintings she does on the side. Which reminds me, she wanted me to give you this," Sweetie said as she opened a saddle bag pouch and took out a wrapped painting and gave it to Starbloom, once her green magical aura was replaced with Starbloom's own sapphire colored aura she closed her saddle bag and settled back into her seat.

Starbloom opened the wrapping paper of the painting and smiled looking at the painting of herself and the other members of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, it was shortly after all four had gotten their cutie marks. Apple Bloom had actually been the last to get her mark, her Apple Family stubbornness kept her from recognizing her natural talent and love for building and painting. Sweetie Belle had gotten hers first, followed soon by Starbloom, then Scootaloo, finally Apple Bloom.

They stayed as Cutie Mark Crusaders even after getting cutie marks and helped other fillies to get cutie marks before Starbloom moved to Manehattan, Sweetie Belle had moved with her to follow her dreams of being a famous singer. While Starbloom's career in law enforcement might of fallen flat, Sweetie Belle's singing career looked brighter then ever, even if Sweetie Belle was being humble about it.

Starbloom got out of bed and used her magic to take the picture into the living room with her juice and hung the picture up on the wall before settling on the sofa and to relax taking another drink of the orange juice. "Still hard to believe Apple Bloom is going to get married and have a foal. I'm happy for her," she said moving herself to lay on the couch resting her head on hoof rest. "Even if it is Feather Weight, speaking of... how is his career going?"

Sweetie Belle followed her into the living room. "It's going good, he's a photographer for the Ponyville Times but he is getting offers to transfer to Canterlot and Baltimare. So they might be moving soon, after she has the baby and they get married. You know Applejack would be upset if they move first," Sweetie Belle said heading to the kitchen and fixes herself a cup of tea.

"That's good, Canterlot has better opportunities for art and construction then Ponyville.... most of the time." It had been a while but she did remember a time it seemed Ponyville got destroyed at least three times a year it seemed like and needed to be rebuilt.

"Yea, Batlimare has good jobs in the construction field to from what I hear," Sweetie said as she comes out of the kitchen and sat down sipping her tea. Looking over at Starbloom she sighed softly seeing her friend had fallen asleep on the sofa. She smiled softly and floated a blanket in off Starblom's bed and covered her up. "I hope you know what your doing Starbloom." She said softly before going to her room to unpack from her trip.

Comments

[Artimae]

As both a fan and writer of the Mare Do Well character, I must say that this needs a ton of work. There are several glaring grammatical issues; the overall flow of the story is broken and bumpy. There's very little to go on in terms of who your protagonist is (I shouldn't have to read another fic just to read this if it's 'alternate universe' - were it a series, then I'd accept that.) The pacing is awkward, and you've not set up a discernible villain to counteract the Mare Do Well, or even give her a motive for being (Though motive can always come later - I confess I'm holding out on that one, too.)

Overall, not interested in continuing to read this. There's no plot, no villain, no anything. It's just another cardboard cutout in a costume. What makes her your Mare Do Well? What separates her from the rest? How and why is she different from mine? Answer those questions and then she may become interesting.

[L_Wolf]

2740763 Yea, looking at this I probably should of spent more time on it before submitting the story. I'll spend the day addressing the issues your brought up.

[LalaDarkfire]

>> Artimae Quiet frankly, I think you should learn to fully read everything before making a statement that pretty much just makes you look like your trying to make sure no one else writes about Mare Do Well unless they can do it better then you. Which seeing as how you dont have the copyright on Mare Do Well, then you should only critizes should it be asked for. I quiet frankly remember reading at the very begining "Not the most original of ideas I'm sure, but it's something that's been rolling around in my head for a few weeks now and I need to get it out. Not sure how long it'll end up being, or if I'll finish it." I mean that right there tells me, that hey this could be a rough draft and that maybe its not final or finished but something that needed to be put down on paper or this case computer in order to not lose the idea. I enjoyed the story reguardless, of whats missing, or grammatical issues. My imagination created possiblities of its own from what was written. Granted you may have more experience then me in the matter. I feel that your understanding of the story is biast. Because if its not as good as your own or close to it, you choose to critize, and not in a constructive manner either.

I find this stroy has alot of potenial should the writer wish to take it in that direction. Either way it was a enjoyable read.

[L_Wolf]

2742859 Thank you for the kind words Lala, and I probably will do more writing on this story when I have time. Specially since Fred2266 already started to do story readings on youtube already.

[Artimae]

2742859 I didn't mean to come off that way - I used my own as an example because it's an easy general comparison. My ultimate point was a lack of any sort of characterization which results in a lack of any interest. To wit, the characterization is probably in the other story about this "Starbloom" filly, but with the 'Alternate Universe' tags, I can't be sure they're the same even then. Now, were it to be a direct sequel, that part may not even be an issue.

The thing here is, it's supposedly an Adventure story. So the characters have to have motive behind them.

As for suggesting that "I think no one else should write Mare Do Well but me", allow me to defend by saying that the best MDW story out there (and one of my more favorite stories in general on this site) is The Games We Play, a story which I don't believe I could ever hope to touch.

As well, I choose to criticize because I see the potential in a story. Especially one with such a versatile character. It has the potential to branch off and be amazing, though I do admit that I could probably be more specific were I to comb through everything. Assuming, of course, that the author would like an editor? I love helping out other authors whom deserve it, and LisaWolf seems like she deserves it.

[L_Wolf]

2744568
I do see the validity in the points you made and I do know my grammar isn't the best, as for this story being a direct squeal of Starbloom Chronicles, I never meant to be, but after I started writing it, it did ended up starting to turn into that. I did go back and add in a little more explanation as to who she is and where she came from. I also expanded who the main villain is. Which isn't a person, it's all the corrupt police officers in the department she used to work for.'

As for flow, and pacing, those are things I never really understood. So I mostly just write what I hear in my head and sounds right to me, which is what ends up on the page. I read them over and if looks good and makes sense to me I publish it.

I don't mind constructive criticism and I wouldn't mind getting help to get the story flushed out.