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Ponyville Hospital had never been so busy before. Royal Guards were everywhere, at every door and window of the building. There were even a few Crystal Guards on loan from the Crystal Empire, in their more fleshy forms this far from the Crystal Heart. The Night Guard, the eyes and ears of Princess Luna, seemed to peek out of every shadow. An attempt had been made on the life of the newest Princess, and while there was still some confusion on what exactly had happened, every possible precaution was being taken."And now an update on the tragic story coming out of Ponyville," a nearby radio droned, "It would appear that, in the case of the accident which reportedly occurred in the mines beneath Canterlot several days ago, the Royal Guard has confirmed foul play is suspected. While there has been no positive identification of the suspect as yet, we can confirm that she is a young mare. At present the suspect remains unconscious. Consequently she has been hospitalized where authorities are awaiting staff to revive her. That it has been revealed the deaths of four ponies, as yet unidentified, could be attributed to this unnamed assailant has shocked the kingdom at large. We'll be bringing you more information on this as the story develops."
While some reporters, a few from as far away as Manehatten, had noticed the heightened security around Ponyville Hospital, none had been able to gain entry. For her part, Twilight was grateful and irritated at the same time. She was grateful to be spared from having to try to answer a dozen questions from the media that she wasn't sure she had a clear answer for. On the other hoof, she wished she could tell them to get their facts straight. "It wasn't four, it was three," she muttered to herself as she limped down the hospital corridor, "And it was definitely no accident." She wasn't supposed to be out of bed yet, which was clear from the I.V. stand she pushed along beside her. Twilight had been lucky to keep the operation of her limbs, but it was rough going with her head and forelimbs tightly bandaged, the later with stiff wooden planks to make sure she didn't bend them too far and re-open her wounds. She still had the use of her wings though, and while weak, they helped take some of the strain off her legs and allow her to move more quickly down the hallway.
"Stop right there miss," came an authoritative male voice as two Royal Guards blocked her path. "This area is restricted, only authorized personal may proceed."
Twilight looked up at the pair of unicorns. If this was the level of intelligence the Royal Guard had sunk to since her brother had moved on from his post as Captain of the Guard, it was no wonder they hadn't been able to find Fluttershy. "I realize I'm not wearing my tiara right now, but I kind of thought the wings and the horn would give it away. You do know who I am, don't you?" The other guard, who appeared slightly older than his partner couldn't help but crack a small smile.
"Yes your majesty, we know full well who you are." In a stage whisper he continued, "Please excuse the boy, I'm afraid he's been rehearsing what he'd say if anypony tried to come this way for a little over half a day. No offense is intended my lady."
Despite herself, Twilight found herself smiling as well. She whispered back,"And no offense is taken sir, but you still seem to be standing in my way."
At that the old guard leaned back and with a look of true regret responded, "Ah, well, as it pertains to that we do have our orders your grace. I'm afraid even Princesses of the realm aren't allowed to be near the suspect without express permission. It's a necessary precaution, you understand. I'm afraid my hooves are tied."
"There a problem here partner?"said a familiar voice. Applejack rolled around the corner in a wheelchair. Though her injuries hadn't initially seemed to be as severe as Twilight's, it had turned out the hunting knife to her back had managed to nick her spinal cord. The doctors were hopeful she would eventually recover the use of her hind legs, but for the time being she couldn't get around without the aid of the chair. For a mare who's livelihood depended greatly on the strength of her legs, she had taken her condition in stride. Truthfully, Twilight suspected that Applejack, like herself, was just happy to be alive. "Y'all gettin' in the Princess's way?"
"Captain Applejack, we were just explaining to her majesty that no one is allowed to see the suspect by order of..." started the young stallion until Applejack cut him off.
"Easy with this 'Captain' nonsense. Mah rank's supposed to be a secret, remember?" The former farm pony winked at the obvious new recruit and continued, "Ah'll take responsibility for her majesty. She'll be safe enough with me if you fella's will let it slide just this once." As the guards made a path for Twilight Applejack smiled brightly. "Thank ya kindly! Y'all keep up the good work, ya hear?" The two injured ponies continued down the hall. They came to a small waiting area that doubled as a commissary. Twilight needed to stop a moment to give her legs a rest. Applejack gave a little sigh and then went to get a couple of apples from a nearby cart. As she brought the fruit back to the table where Twilight sat, she said "Ya know movin' around and such ain't no good fer yer wounds Twilight. Ya really ought ta still be in bed. It ain't even been a week since the Royal Guard found us. Don'tcha think ya might be over doin' it?"
"Pinkie Pie is a victim too," responded Twilight, out of the blue. This wasn't the first time she had said this but she hoped that she was finally with a pony who would listen. Applejack's blank stare, however, wasn't encouraging. The frustration of being ignored for days welled up inside Twilight as she shouted, "Why won't anypony believe me!? Fluttershy used some kind of hypnotic suggestion to force her to kill everypony! The string of missing pony reports you told me about before were all her doing as well! So why is it only Pinkie taking the blame for all this!?"
Applejack took a bite of her apple, chewed and swallowed before she responded. "The authorities don't think Fluttershy had any connection to this case."
"What?!" asked Twilight in disbelief. "But she was there!"
"That ain't what the evidence says I'm afraid," continued Applejack. "There is no proof that the pony known as Fluttershy was ever down in them mines with us. Accordin' to the forensics team there were no hoof prints, blood, or hair samples collected at the site belonging to anypony other than the six of us, including poor Derpy, who were there."
Twilight's wings unfurled in agitation, "But you were there Applejack, you saw her? I mean we weren't imagining her!"
"I know Twilight, I know. Trust me, even in all these horrors that's one image I ain't soon going to forget," said Applejack darkly, taking another bite from her apple. "But the last I saw Fluttershy she was a broken marionette hanging on the wall. It's mighty suspicious her body's gone though, Ah'll grant ya that, and even more so since there's no trace of it ever bein' there."
"What are you trying to say?" questioned Twilight, hurt. "You don't believe that I saw her? That I talked to her?"
Applejack sighed heavily, "Honestly, sugarcube, Ah ain't sure whut ta believe at the moment. We both got put through some serious torture down there, both physically and mentally. It ain't stretchin' things too far ta say ya might've had a little breakdown and started seein' things whut couldn't be. Lord knows a lesser pony would'a long since broke under the stress ya've been through." Applejack said this matter-of-factly, impressed by Twilight's resilience. "The fact is there's zero evidence, aside from our testimony, that Fluttershy was there. On the other hoof, there's plenty of proof that Pinkie Pie was the killer."
"But...but she was compelled to do all of those horrible things by Fluttershy," Twilight said emphatically.
"Ah hear ya Twi, but just listen to yerself fer a moment. 'A pegasus, with no magical powers, forced an earth pony through hypnotism an drugs ta become a ruthless murderer.' Do ya really think the authorities, do ya really think Princess Celestia, is gonna be able ta believe somethin' like that? Settin' aside the lack of evidence, we ain't got any way of verifyin' a word of it." The earth pony looked at her apple in disgust, it had started going brown and mushy they had been sitting and talking so long. Her appetite lost, Applejack threw the rest of it in the waste basket. " It won't be too long before they'll file charges against Pinkie Pie. But their only suspect is unconscious. Until she wakes up Celestia is just going to bide her time. Nopony has seen Fluttershy in days. She's just missin' fer now, but most folk connected to the case are presumin' her dead based on mah account of whut happened. But Ah'll tell ya the truth, the fact there ain't a shred of evidence of Fluttershy being down there, on top of her body goin' missin', don't sit well with me at all. At the very least Ah'll see if Ah can get another forensics team ta head down there. If there's so much as a hair outside of that room where she was hangin', that would corroborate yer story and we can go from there. Meantime, I suggest ya stay by Pinkie's side if yer worried about her. Nopony but doctors and nurses have been in her room since she got here. Who knows, maybe a familiar voice'll bring her around."
"Applejack..." started Twilight before she threw her forelimbs awkwardly around her friend in a hug. "Thank you."
"Don't get me wrong Twi, she was my friend too," said Applejack pulling out of Twilight's grasp. "But even if she was forced ta do it, she still killed our other friends and there ain't nothin' we can do ta get them back. She ain't gonna be like she was, one way or the other. Frankly, she might be better off stayin' asleep forever..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Twilight Sparkle sat quietly for some time in Pinkie's room. It seemed like the rest of the floor had been cleared. There were still guards posted at each end of the hallway and the occasional nurse would trot by, but aside from that the ward was quiet save for the steady beep of the machines hooked up to monitor the unconscious pony. Twilight stared at her would be murderer, her friend, the pony who had killed so many of her other friends. She was filled with such a potent mix of emotions she wasn't sure she trusted herself to stand. At the core of it all, however, was that little ball of frustration, that knowledge that Pinkie was as much a victim as any of them.
"Who would've ever thought your birthday would turn out this way, eh Pinkie?" Twilight asked with a sad smile. "Why did you hold it all in? Why did you let it come to this?" Pinkie Pie lay perfectly still in the hospital bed. Stripped of her robe and now dressed in a simple hospital gown, it was easy to see bloody gauze bandages wrapped around various parts of her body. As much as she'd hurt Twilight, the alicorn couldn't help but feel a wave of guilt every time she looked at the bandages around Pinkie's throat. The pink pony's breathing was steady but shallow. Twilight worried about permanent damage. It was funny, no one had mentioned the word 'coma' but that was exactly what it seemed like she was in. An untouched apple set on a plate in front of Pinkie. with a small knife and fork. was rendered laughable. How did anypony expect her to eat like this? "If only you'd talked with me about it sooner, I'm sure things could've turned out differently." Twilight reached out and placed her hoof over Pinkie Pie's. She was so cold, even under the blankets, and seemed so very fragile. Twilight felt her grief and the massive burden of guilt swell inside her heart. "No, that's not true! I should've realized! If I had I'm sure no one would've had to die..."
Her tears gushed from her eyes, falling fast and free on the white linens. These tears were a long time coming. Twilight hadn't allowed herself to cry since they had been rescued, she hadn't allowed herself to feel the full weight of her emotions. Sitting here it was impossible not to let her mind play back over everything that had happened and find her own actions lacking. In many ways she had failed. She had certainly failed as a Princess, as a leader, and she couldn't help feeling she had failed as a friend as well. "I'm so sorry," Twilight whispered. "from now on I swear I will protect you!"
After Twilight said this, the door to the hospital room opened. Twilight hurriedly backed away from the bed and did what she could to dry her eyes. She knew she must look like a mess, but more than appearances she was concerned that the nurse had come to send her back to her own room. "I'm sorry, I'm a friend of the patients, I have permission to be here!" blurted Twilight all in one stream of words. She almost immediately regretted saying all that, anypony could say they had permission to be here, now she'd given the nurse a reason to be suspicious. The nurse for her part, however, went about her business, checking Pinkie's charts and making some slight adjustments to the machines hooked up to her. She was dressed much like the other nurses Twilight had interacted with so far, a white uniform and a mask over her muzzle to prevent the spread of infection. After she added some medicine, probably an antibiotic, to Pinkies I.V. drip the nurse then moved to the other side of the bed where Twilight sat. She waited there expectancy until Twilight realized she was in the way. "Oh, I'm sorry!" The injured alicorn hurriedly stood and apologized. Twilight tried to shuffle past the nurse but suddenly she felt something snake around her throat and cover her mouth as a needle was rammed forcefully into her back. As the plunger jammed home Twilight's scream was muffled by the nurses hoof.
"Shhh...hush now, quiet now, no need to worry your little head Twilight," said a familiar voice in her ear. "It's just a little Vecuronium. I have to say I wish I'd come to the hospital more often before. They have so many interesting things here." Twilight struggled and tried to shout, but the nurse only dug the needle deeper. Within seconds Twilight could feel her body stiffening and going numb. It started inside her hooves and traveled slowly up to her torso. She could feel the tip of her tongue stiffening, and when her jaw fell slack, the nurse finally moved her hoof away. As Twilight fell limp, her attacker took the brunt of her weight and dragged her back to the chair she had been sitting in previously. Losing control of her body wasn't the terrifying part for Twilight. It was the knowledge of who it must be that was holding her.
With care and precision, the "nurse" arraigned Twilight in what looked like a comfortable position and propped up her head in such a way that Twilight could get a good look at her. Her coat had been dyed from pale yellow to white, and her mane from its usual pink to a pale blonde. She had found a way to change her cutie mark to a caduceus, a symbol of medicine. She probably had her wings hidden beneath her nurse uniform. Even so, even before she tugged down her mask there was no mistaking her, or her cold, merciless eyes. This was Fluttershy. Twilight's heart continued to thunder in her chest even though she couldn't so much as twitch a muscle. She was trapped in a way that was far more complete than mere confinement down in those dank caverns. "Comfy?" asked Fluttershy sweetly. "You know I was a little worried we wouldn't get to speak. All these big, strong guards were very intimidating. But then when they had me changing your bed pan I realized that nopony at this hospital really pays attention to interns. It's funny really. All that security and they didn't even know I was watching you sleep...giving you your medicine. It's a good thing too, or that shot I just gave you would've paralyzed your lungs. We simply couldn't have you suffocating after all this work."
Twilight couldn't even blink now, it was a struggle just to keep breathing. She tried to concentrate on that, hoping in vane that somepony, anypony would check on her. "Oh don't give me that pained look. I'm the one that told the authorities where to find you. They didn't tell you about the anonymous tip they received about hearing screams from the mines below Canterlot, did they? I suppose it would make them look bad if they had to admit they had lost a Princess and had no idea what had happened to her." Fluttershy bent the needle on the syringe she had used to inject Twilight and replaced the cap on it before she dropped it into the pocket on her uniform. "Of course, planting a 'changeling' in the Royal Guard makes covering up that kind of thing a breeze. Why, he was able to scrub almost all the evidence from the cavern during the forensics investigation. Any new investigation would be problematic. They'd be bound to find something down there if they looked hard enough. Of course it's just so nice to have useful 'changelings' around, ready to 'take care' of those pesky loose ends." Fluttershy grinned. "I'm sorry Twilight, I hope you didn't have anything terribly important to say to Applejack. She's going to die in the dark, just as she was meant to....just as you were meant to. Don't worry though, it won't be too painful."
Fluttershy brushed an errant strip of hair out of Twilight's eyes. "There, much better. I suppose that a Princess does deserve better than to die in the dark. So how about I 'enlighten' you?" The pegasus in disguise chuckled as she turned from Twilight and walked slowly across the room to Pinkie's bedside. "I'm afraid I told you a little lie the last time we parted. You see, this 'game' I set up for you? It won't be the last. Even if my life ends, it will keep repeating over and over forever. For the ones I love, for my mom and dad, who loved me." Fluttershy clasped her hooves over her heart and bowed her head sadly. "Just disappearing wouldn't be enough now. There would always be questions. So I didn't plan on surviving this last game. I wanted to die surrounded by my friends. But then you had to go and ruin it by taking out poor Pinkie Pie." At this she stroked Pinkie's sleeping cheek tenderly. "My perfect 'changeling'. She was always more to me than just another pawn. She is my heir, my replacement." As she said this Pinkie's eyes fluttered open. She slowly began to sit up, her movements slow and clumsy as if she were in a trance. "This last week I was able to perfect the drugs necessary to make her the ultimate 'changeling'. In her mind her life will be a never ending party with an endless stream of party guests, no two exactly the same." Pinkie's hoof moved slowly to the knife set beside the apple on the food tray beside her bed. It was a dull steak knife, not even really suitable for slicing fruit. "She'll never be alone...and she'll spread lots of smiles!"
Pinkie Pie grinned dreamily, showing gums that were bleeding from how hard her teeth were grinding together. She giggled, a high, frightening noise that pierced Twilight's mind. Every fiber of her being just wanted to run, but Twilight still couldn't move. She couldn't even close her eyes as Pinkie Pie dug the knife into the side of Fluttershy's neck and ripped a horrible jagged gash across the serenely smiling pegasus' throat. The blade gouged rather than cut the flesh, sending a spray of crimson over the floor and bed. Fluttershy crumpled to the floor, still twitching, still smiling, as she wrote in her own blood 'The Liars Must Die'. Pinkie stepped shakily out of her bed. She moved jerkily, like a broken marionette, moving closer and closer. She knocked over the lamp that was the rooms sole source of illumination. As the lamp clattered to the floor, it threw their shadows in stark relief against the wall. Pinkie's shadow, smiling as madly as the pony who cast it, loomed over Twilight's own. Twilight wanted desperately to recoil from Pinkie's touch, but there was nothing she could do as her friend lay one gory hoof gentle on her shoulder.
The knife bit deep into Twilight's stomach first, rising through her bowels and into her chest. She could feel it scraping across the inside of her ribs and her spine, prying under her skin and twisting around in her muscles. Twilight's heart pounded faster. Steady, rhythmic, wet noises rose and fell matching the metronome like motions of the knife as the shadows met and parted over and over. Twilight could feel it, she could feel everything as the blade punctured her flesh. As it went on her soft guts were being wound like spaghetti around the knife as it cut into her kidneys. Why didn't Pinkie bring the blade just a few inches higher? Why didn't she just bury the blade in her heart? Why wouldn't this end?
The Royal Guards burst into the room, but immediately froze, unable to process the horror spread before them. Pinkie twirled about as if her blood slicked dressing gown were a party dress. She leapt to embrace the guards, dragging poor Twilight's guts out on the floor in a steaming slushy mess. Pinkie's knife flashed back and forth, it's blunt edge ripping the stallions apart in seconds. With a manic grin still on her face, and a song in her heart, Pinkie left nothing but bloody hoof-prints and bodies behind as she moved through the hospital. Everything was so clear now. It was time for a new party. It was time for a new game! And Pinkie Pie just knew that, win or lose, she was going to have fun! Fun! FUN!
Twilight Sparkle sat gurgling gently as her life's blood spread in a puddle beneath her on the floor, obliterating Fluttershy's final message. If only eradicating the pegasi's legacy would be so easy. But those were not Twilight Sparkle's final thoughts. They were on a party she never made it to, with friends she dearly missed. They were on a sunny spring day full of potential. Her thoughts were on Rainbow Dash showing off, Rarity beaming over a new dress, and Applejack finally relaxing after a hard days work. Her thoughts were on Pinkie Pie managing to make even the grumpiest among them laugh until they were fit to burst. She even couldn't help but think of Fluttershy cooing over a pair of new born baby birds. She remembered her friends and all the good times they had shared. She didn't waste any thoughts on her own death or theirs, but rather watched as her life seemed to dance before her eyes. A life of love and friendship is what she thought of, and everything that could've been.
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I'm not usually a fan of gore, but by Celestia this was great! Brilliant work on it, don't wanna spoil anything for any other readers but...DAT ENDING! I loved it! <3
3226951
Wow, you're a quick reader. I'm glad you liked the ending! It was one of the things I struggled the most with, but in the end I really wanted something with some real bite to it. Thanks for the comment
3227129 Kept me awake until 7 in the morning, be honoured ;) Have you considered a sequal or spin off? Perhaps a 'new game' :P
Fleshy, a disturbing word use, and a bit odd since most authors consider that anypony born as a Crystal Pony stays as one, creative writing points? Also. Crystal Empire not Kingdom, and you cut off your sentence at "Crystal".
Bodies, plural. It should be "Body is", or "Body's", singular.
...The ending makes me want to cry, it is the embodiment of horror that made me wonder just where Celestia went, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Twilight.
What just happened?
3231040
First off thanks for all the spelling and grammar errors you caught. My editors face is a bit red right now, but she'll get over it. (honestly I think a few might have been errors with spell check, but that's my fault for using such a lazy tool)
Hmm this is going to take a minute...but okay.
Regarding Chapter 1 ~ There is a LOT of foreshadowing in chapter one and I'm not surprised you caught onto it. This is intentional. Glad you liked the description of Fluttershy's 'fate', I confess I often get a wrapped up in such description.
Regarding Chapter 2 ~ The sigil is on Pinkie's neck in such a way it was hidden by her mane. It wasn't mentioned because no one noticed. Rarity has no problem illuminating her horn...I've just written her as slightly ditzy in this situation, hence the bit with the sunglasses. Applejack isn't lying directly, rather she is choosing not to mention something. While technically lying by omission, it's been shown that Applejack will sometimes bend the truth if she thinks it's to protect her friends. Fluttershy's wings were always pinned to the wall, they were just hanging slack, think like a hammock. If the ponies seem out of character here it's because this is an unfamiliar situation. If they reacted 'completely in character' that would be even more suspicious as it would seem they were just acting.
Regarding Chapter 3 ~ The sigils aren't obvious, they'd be easy to miss under their fur unless they looked for them. Twilight was wearing cloths in the first chapter, as was Rarity and Rainbow Dash. Little details. (Which is why I think the description of the 'monster' from the last chapter confused you so badly. The 'monster' was Rainbow Dash, whom Twilight clobbered. The glowing eyes were the light of Twilight's spell reflected off of Dashie's goggles that are part of her Wonderbolt's training uniform.) But yes, there was no soap, the washing her hands bit is thrown in as a little light comedy based on her fastidious nature and the fact people do silly things when they panic. Everyone deals with grief differently, during this chapter it's implied that the pressing need to ESCAPE takes precedence over dwelling on what happened (aside from in their minds of course).
Regarding Chapter 4 ~ I'm not sure Twilight had time to consider Applejack's words given they were trying to sneak attack the pony they suspected of being Flutter's killer. Also I'm sorry I can't constantly talk about Twilight's dress. I don't write grimdark stories about dresses (except that one time). If you want to, I'll edit it for you.
Regarding Chapter 5 ~ The binder being untouched implies a few things such as A.) It's a recent edition as it has had no time to become soiled B.) is massively suspicious. The lye was not used for making soap. Rarities scalpel isn't completely rusted or it wouldn't have an edge that could actually cut worth a flip...the gleam is along that edge. The pipes might be rusted, I didn't dwell on the plumbing. As for the mirror, some things seem new while others are very old, take from that what you will. I intentional put a limitation of Twilight's teleportation spell, as she didn;t know EXACTLY where beneath Canterlot she was, if she tried to port out she could easily end up in a wall...same reason she didn't port out when the Changeling Queen put her down there the first time. Glad you liked the title.
Regarding Chapter 6 ~ Everything about this comment is great.
Regarding Chapter 7 ~ You know, maybe Twilight just wanted to keep her dress around because she's gotten used to it. It's come in useful serving as a barrier to dying pony's blood and being a make-shift blanket. I dunno, people are weird about cloths sometimes.
Regarding Chapter 8 ~ I like your thinking on the masks. Reminds me of Ben Drowned. The blood is 'black' because it's mixed with dread blood and dead cells. It won't be black for long.
Regarding Chapter 9 ~ OMG! The blood isn't black anymore, astounding! Just because Applejack knows first aid doesn't mean she knows barber surgery...it's makeshift at best. And it's refereed to as a scar because that is what it will eventually become. Applejack relieved the pressure to relieve Pinkie's pain, not to heal her. And Applejack was surprised because she thought Twilight suspected her of being the murderer...would you ask a murderer to perform first aid on one of your friends? Applejack is implying that its not just Pinkie's wound that is infected, but that she has actually contracted some further illness FROM that wound...the festering is the least of her worries. Applejack didn't see Rarity cut Pinkie, they were alone when that happened.
Regarding Chapter 10 ~ There are examples from the show of her saying everyone.
Regarding Chapter 11 ~ Why would she want to kill Pinkie? Twilight isn't a murderer. (sometimes things make no sense for a reason, such as the theory of the changelings sigil being false.) Hooray for Villainous Monologues! Where would we be without you?
Regarding Chapter 12 ~ Everything about this comment is great.
Regarding Chapter 13 ~ Good catches on the Crystal Empire and the Crystal Heart. And yeah, I kind of thought that it was established that it was the influence of the Crystal Heart that rendered them crystal ponies, not just being born there. (otherwise why would the mane six have become crystal ponies? Aside from to sell toys I mean) Where is Celestia? Not in this story because a Deus Ex Machina has no place in a dark story save as to give false hope. What just happened? Judgement.
Phew...That was a lot of comments...fun to read. Hope my response helps clear a few things up.
3231948
Phew, uhm.
No, I totally don't need you to edit in references to her dress (Although if you felt like writing TwilightxPinkie to "make up" for this delightful horror story...), I just find the convenient clothing to be amusing.
I totally forgot that Rainbow Dash was wearing her goggles and uniform, I lose ten points.
And let's see, I'm still trying to get over the fact that Pinkie loved Twilight, that was horrible, romantic tragedy is the most distasteful thing, in a good way! In a very very readable way. It just leaves a bad taste when you really wish for a happy ending and you know it's not going to happen (even if you trick yourself otherwise.), because you paid attention to the tags of the story you were about to read.
Celestia said she was going to visit Pinkie Pie, so I just expected her to be there to stop Fluttershy.
Granted, enough time had passed by the time Celestia showed up for AJ's apple to spoil, but my expectations clung to the dying embers of hope.
Now then! I find it slightly odd that I actually requested something that is technically clop, but have ten of ten metaphorical stars for your story, and I hope the Likes outweigh the Dislikes soon enough!
I am still stuck on Pinkie Pie, though, it defines the entire story.
Niiiice, omg. I guess people just don't like gore that much? It had me utterly riveted!!
I noticed a few spelling and grammar errors myself... There was one chapter, I think it was the... third from the end, that had a mention of 'sow'ing. It's supposed to be 'sew', not 'sow'. Sowing is planting, sewing is with needle and thread. But this is awesome. At first I thought it was that one, then no! Then huh? Huh. Okay. No way.
This was really super awesome :D
3236899
I'm glad you enjoyed the story!
It's because Applejack was doing it, clearly. I had reaping and sowing on the brain.
3236899
I'm pretty sure I already mentioned this.
3245656 O.. kay? You mentioned my entire comment? Or just the 'sow' vs 'sew' part? I figured someone had but I wanted to throw it out anyway. I'm not one to read the entirety of every comment on every fic I comment on.
I do apologize to the author, but the story just didn't grab me all that much. It's not cause of gore, or it being dark'n'stuff, just that it's based on the Rabbit Doubt manga, a manga which I frankly consider VERY weak and badly written, and I'd say downright laughable. I guess that was just one of the reasons this story didn't connect with me that much.
3310720
Well it does make sense that if you didn't like the original story you wouldn't like a story based on it. Frankly I applaud you for giving it a chance despite your per-existing dislike.
Well, I also read the manga some years ago and I also disliked it. Nevertheless, I spent several hours reading this (is 5:30 morning already) and I must congratulate you of how well you adapted it into the MLP universe. You managed to exploit characters' traits and match them with the manga ones so well. Also, that "on hiatus"... well played.
3428777
).
Thank you! Honestly It was the characters personalities and foibles that drew me to write this adaptation to begin with. It was hard for me not to read the original story and not think about my favorite little ponies (to torture
In all seriousness though, thank you for the kind words and I hope you found the story a bit more enjoyable this time around
There are no words to describe the proportion of how blown my mind is right now.
4762132
While it would be within the realm of possibility for Twilight to learn healing magic, having the ability to learn such spells does not mean that she has studied them, and it certainly wouldn't mean she had mastered them. For instance, just because Twilight is an accomplished Mage, that doesn't mean she'd know Clerical spells that might lay outside her discipline or field of research.
I will grant that in the show it's often noted that Twilight has vast potential, and a lot of that is expressed in her voracious appetite for learning, specifically in research. Now, because of that, if you wanted to write that she had been learning about some kind of healing spells, you'd need to come up with a reason before hand that she would be researching such spells. In the context of this story, Twilight has only recently become and Alicorn princess and is still dealing with that sudden change ion her life. She hasn't been dealing with, say, an injured friend, or a war torn battlefield.
Add to that the fact that when characters have gotten injured in the show, nopony, not even unicorn doctors have just 'magiced' them better, they still had to take medicine, get bed rest, and wait for bones to set and heal.
TL;DR it's within the realm of possibility but has never come up in the show/comics and doesn't have any place in the framework of this story.
I have chosen to interpret that the fact I liked, and still like, this story's CONCEPT as proof that I have no soul. Anybody wanna debate that?
5890711
Well lets see...there's Coco Pommel, Cheese Sandwich, Cranky Doodle Donkey, Caramel, Caramal Apple, Cloudchaser, and (Upper) Crust.
But I think this may have been a reference to Princess Cadance if I remember right. Or it could be from when Queen Chrysalis was masquerading as her. Or maybe it really was Princess Celestia? To be honest I'm not sure if I remember exactly why I picked the initial C. Maybe it's best if we don't dwell on it.
There are many mistakes in this story, but most of them are intentional and exist in one form or another in the original story that this is all based on.
5892914
Wait, you don't remember details in your own stories? That's... interesting. I've always been pretty good about recalling details to my old stories, but maybe that's just a 'me' thing.
Intentional mistakes? In other words, you forced the characters to do things that make no sense in order to keep to the original material? In that case, the reader needs to know the original material to understand the mistakes. It's always better to design such stories so that knowledge of the source material isn't necessary, and keeping bad story decisions just for the sake of repeating the original is, I would argue, even worse. Just because the original made some poor decisions doesn't mean you're obligated to maintain them.
5893512
It's stated in the stories description that this is an adaptation of Doubt, but with ponies, largely due to my sick and twisted mind drawing parallels between the characters as I was reading the manga in question. I'm sorry if you didn't know what you were getting into, but as I said the stories nature is in its description. The 'mistakes' are largely hints and clues as to what is actually going on as both this story and the original are kind of a 'who done it' rather than a straight grimdark story.
And no, I was kidding, I know exactly who's initial that was supposed to be. The point is that you as the reader are not supposed to know.
5893993
It's kind of delightful to watch you draw all these varying conclusions as you read. Disappointed about Pinkie Pie's role? Heh...just keep reading.
5896633
I know this is based on Doubt. That's not the point. If you write a story that is related to another, you should try to write it in such a way that the reader doesn't have to know the source material to 'get it,' otherwise you are severely limiting your potential audience. While it's well and good that those in the know see any connections made, I don't think one should write such a story purely with them in mind.
I'm going to hold my opinion on these 'mistakes' lest I discover that I'm interpreting you incorrectly, but at the moment your argument only makes this seem worse.
5896645
Okay, now I'm betting Pinkie's actually a changeling, but we shall see.
Okay, mixed thoughts here. On the one hand, I actually really like this ending. Appropriately dreadful. There was a lot about the delivery of this story that was so-so at best, but I think I'm happy with it overall.
What really gets me is that through 90% of this story, the emotions felt... bland. The ending made up for it, being appropriately terrifying and even sickening, but everything else? Not so much. Anyway, I'll have a proper review for you some time in the future.
5897936
The beginning and end of the story are where the most liberties were taken with the original material. The ending I gave it was a lot more gruesome, but I figured the audience deserved that kind of payoff and it really helps strike home exactly how horrible everything turned out to be. And yes, Fluttershy's monologue there at the end is a bit lame but it's to give you the idea that it's the ending, wrapping everything up with them trapped in the caverns forever... Except of course that's not the real ending.
Truth be told I had a lot of fun writing the ending, and I thought it would be neat to have a severely damaged and manipulated Pinkie Pie rather than a straight up evil one. As for Fluttershy, I know it kind of follows the trope of "it's always the quiet ones", but in this case she fit the original character perfectly in that regard.
If you have any questions about the story I'd be happy to answer them in private.
5898009
Whether it's the actual ending or not shouldn't legitimize the way it's handled. If you want to fool your readers into thinking it is the ending, why treat it so that it seems weak? Especially considering that Fluttershy's motives didn't change at all from one ending to the other, so there shouldn't be any difference in weight.
The only thing in the entire story that continues to bug me is "How did Fluttershy fake her death in the beginning?" But that's the kind of thing these horror stories are built around, I guess: things happen that don't make sense and you're supposed to take it in stride. So that's what I'm going to do, because for the most part you covered your bases, even if I disapprove of exactly how you did so.
Apples take a long time to go from normal to brown and mushy. Long time as in days. I doubt they were talking for that long. Other than that this was a simply gruesome story, as in gory, not in a bad way. I always have had an appreciation of grim dark stories and this one is pretty good.
5945901
This is actually just an example of oxidization that happens when the internal cellular structure of an apple is damaged by slicing, or in this case biting. The browning is completely superficial, only occurring on the exposed flesh, and starts to happen as soon as the flesh is exposed. (Technically AJ could have finished the apple, it wasn't rotten or anything.) While the rate of oxidation varies between apple species, but in this case it was accelerated some what both to poke a bit of fun at an exchange of dialogue where not much else was happening as well as to try to somewhat alleviate that problem.
Glad you enjoyed the story!
You can has review!
My theory for Fluttershy's body is that she held herself up on the cave wall using her wings, or sat on something the Mane
SixFive couldn't see. Then she used the Stare like the Mist from Percy Jackson and made the Mane Five think she was dead.Is there more fics like this, lock room mystery or death game?
Knackerman, you are an incredible writer! Your stories remind me of my friend Allix, very dark and well written. You have so much talent, please keep on writing!
This story is a fantastic and fun little story. Amazing and I might read it again someday.
Rare add to my favs and a like!
Doubt = Best Manga Ever
This reminds me of a movie I watched. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Dnupyatnarc&t=1536s
I never suspected Fluttershy of all ponies. But I should've, because the quiet ones... Are evil.
Keep writing great stories like this!