• Member Since 27th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 9th, 2012

AxelGunn


E

A (hopefully) short story about a unicorn who became blind after an accident, who decides to go for broke and tell a certain unicorn how he feels about her. But she left Canterlot, how is he supposed to find her without knowing where she went or what she even looks like?

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 13 )

Seems interesting. I'll wait for more before reading it.:twilightsmile:

The idea has loads of promise. Yet there's a lot of things that stick out at me immediately.
1)Why not just call this 'chapter one'? There's no need to formalize it as a prologue.
2)You alternate between huge all of text paragraphs to single sentences. I'd rethink this.
3)You have kind of a round-a-bout way of writing that seems to fall flat.
Like: I heard a yell come from beside me as the earth pony I was running with tripped over a rock. I slammed my hooves into the ground, every fiber of my being suddenly focused on saving her from being trampled.

If I was writing this, I might go with: The earth pony besides me tripped, letting out a yell. I immediately slammed my hooves into the ground. Every fiber of my being focused on saving her from being trampled.

Details are fine, but some extra details in the writing aren't needed. It's also important to emphasize the action.

4)A lot of the sentences are pretty long and should be broken up.

I do really like this idea, though, so please do keep writing. :raritywink:

225689 I can't tell you how happy I am that you gave me some constructive criticism! :rainbowkiss: Although I would like to explain that I called it the prologue because it details the backstory as to how he lost his eyesight, which is really important, isn't technically needed for the story...but thank you for your advice! :pinkiehappy: Oh, one last thing :twilightsheepish: I alternate to the single sentences to put more emphasis on those particular sentences. Maybe not the best idea...but it was the first one I thought of.

I'll wait til more chapters is out to give it proper rating. Tracking!

225695
I think that you only want to use single sentence emphasis sparingly. Consider them the same as exclamation points.

Your story sort of makes me think of:
"Hey! Spike, these cookies are nice!" Twilight said! She took yet another bite!
"Thanks! But it looks like it might rain!" Spike said! "Looks like they'll be no picnic outside today!"

For both chapters, there's also a real 'flatness' that seems to come across in your prose style. I'm not sure what to say except that you should look at other, really popular fanfics and see how they do it. Remember to emphasis action and the "down, don't tell" rule.

I heard a yell come from beside me as the earth pony I was running with tripped over a rock. I slammed my hooves into the ground, every fiber of my being suddenly focused on saving her from being trampled.
=> would be less flat as =>
The earth pony besides me tripped, letting out a yell. I immediately slammed my hooves into the ground. Every fiber of my being focused on saving her from being trampled.

Once I was all cried out, I slowly got to my hooves and asked if somepony could help me to my room. Immediately somepony was there (my mother, I believe) and in a short while I was climbing into my bed, whispering a thank you to my parents as they wished me good night.
=> would be less flat as =>
I finally cried myself out, the tracks of my tears drying on my face. I slowly got to my hooves, and I asked if somepony could help me to my room. Somepony came to me immediately. I couldn't even tell who; I felt so sad since I couldn't tell my parents apart anymore. I climbed in my bed a short while afterward, whispering a thank you to my parents as they wished me good night.

Do you kind of see what I'm getting at? Emphasize action, and try to avoid "was" / "is" passive voice language.

your stories are the best:raritywink::heart:

More!NOW!!!!!:flutterrage:That is..if you want to...epp!:fluttershyouch:

238349 I will!! But I have like five different story ideas that I want to write and I'm so overwhelmed!! I'm sorry! :fluttershyouch: Please forgive me! :fluttercry:

I'm glad to see an update on your other story, but I am also eager to see another chapter here. I'll just wait here, till there's an update.

Hooray you updated!

496908 Indeed I did. I'm sorry for the delay but I had alot of family problems recently. But they're mostly over now so I can update more

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