• Member Since 15th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen Oct 8th, 2014

Vanguard_Of_The_Night


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Celestia must overcome her dark past to face an old evil threatening Equestria. Will she be able to overcome what she has lost? Will she be able to fight for a brighter day? With the support of her sister Luna and her student Twilight, Celestia will face the scars of her past, and fight for a more radiant tomorrow.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 32 )

Awesome!! This was such a great chapter to read! I hope there are more chapters to come! :trollestia::ajsmug:

Amazing start! Please keep writing!

2738072 Thank you so much! I'm hard at work on chapter 2 now. :rainbowdetermined2:

This looks interesting! I'm real excited to know who this "Nephilim" is, and what his role was in nearly exterminating the Alicorns. I always liked the idea of Alicrons being a distinct and mysterious race that disappeared long ago, with some exceptions.

I discovered this story in the Christian Bronies group, and I wonder what sort of spiritual elements will be added. It's a nice refreshment having the Princesses not actually gods or anything, and instead another almighty take their place in the story. Angels and demons are exciting!

Good start my friend! Lord knows my first story didn't go as swimmingly.:twilightsheepish:

But if I may offer some constructive criticism, you might want to format your chapters. You know spacing between each paragraph and giving each character dialogue its own paragraph. Makes it a bit easier to read and follow.

Good luck!

2743837
1.Thank you very much for the constructive criticism. I'll try and apply those changes today. :rainbowdetermined2:
2. I did join the christian bronies group because I am a christian, however, I didn't mean to put this story in their folder. I didn't think I did. The reason being is I don't think it'll match what their looking for in a story. I would take it out, but I don't know how. :rainbowhuh:
3. I do agree about the princesses not being portrayed as gods. I prefer them to just be alicorns. To be a god means you meet the standard of perfection, and perfected characters are boring characters.:rainbowwild:
4. All of that aside, I do really hope you continue to read this regardless of the fact I put it in the wrong folder! Thank you for your time and comments! Be blessed. :rainbowdetermined2:

Wow. I love it already. This is great. I'm really looking forward to reading more of this. I don't agree with the portrayal of The Order of the Alicorns as gods, even though in your comment you said you did, but it still looks incredibly intriguing. Here, have a favorite. :)

Oh, and 2743837, the Nephilim were creatures in the Bible and was another name for the people group who inhabited Canaan in biblical times. They were the giants that the Israelites were so afraid of. Also, the are semi-superstitiously known as the ancestors the the creature we call the vampire. There is a lot of lore behind them. You should check it out. :)

2746810I think he meant he agrees with me in NOT thinking they're gods, but people have the their own preferences and headcanons.

And thanks for the little trivia there!

2746993

No probs! I must have read that wrong. In that case, i agree. :derpytongue2: I think I came up with a pretty good explanation for their god-like power in my story. Merely my preferences and interpretation, though.

2747293 I worded that a little awkwardly. :rainbowlaugh: I changed it so it wouldn't be as confusing. Almost done with the next chapter.

2747293 Also when I get the chance I'll read your story too! :rainbowdetermined2:

Getting into a bit of Norse mythology, are we? I love it. Looking forward to chapter 3!! :pinkiecrazy:

2753641 It's as the old adage says, "It's gonna get worse before it gets better." :rainbowdetermined2:

Comment posted by Vanguard_Of_The_Night deleted Jun 21st, 2013

Yes. I like this new fic:pinkiehappy:

Well, slight review time!

“Bastard,” she whispered as she removed her hoof, and turned away attempting to regain her composure.

^... slightly OOC. After all that magnificence you've set up for her, this just destroyed it.

“You… are…. late,” Quick Note stated obviously irritated. The Princess couldn’t help but grin at the state of her secretary. She listened to the quick scolding from Quick Note, and smiled as she led her to the entrance to the courtroom to begin the day. “Now I’ve informed you of everything that you’ve missed out on, and rescheduled a few meetings to accommodate this morning’s tardiness,” Quick Note stated in a matter of fact tone. As the Princess entered the doorway to the courtroom, she looked back to her secretary and stated, “Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you Quickie.”

Woa... that attitude from him will surely get him fired. Rude much to the Princess.
On actual comment, he is kinda rude, and I understand Celestia's benevolence to tolerate it, but then, she says thank you? o.o... whut... seems awkward to me.

Upon the hearing of the clock striking six, she let out a barely visible sigh. Court was dismissed, and she was free from her responsibilities for the day. She gleefully strode down the hallway to evening dinner. Her sister sat across the table from her at their meal. They discussed the day’s events. Luna could see that the intimate moments they shared that morning truly helped her sister. She could tell that she was livelier than last year when they endured that painful anniversary. She didn’t mention that she saw a change. She only wanted to bask in this moment of her sister’s happiness.

I like this. You made her normal. You actually made both of them quite normal.

So far, quite the built up, but I see the nightmare thing too reoccurring already, so originality points -0.00001... not that it makes a difference, right? XD

Overall, first chapter's about a 4.999 out of 10, 1 being a fic with EXTREMELY POOR writing, and 10 being me reading some sort of ingenious work. I will read chapter 2 soon.

“It’s nothing sister! I am perfectly fine,” the solar princess insisted.

^ "... perfectly fine," INSISTED THE SOLAR PRINCESS.

Also, for stuff like thoughts e.g.

I can’t be viewed as weak in the eyes of the public. The people and the politicians would have a hay day for lack of a better term, she thought. More importantly what should I do about him? I don’t even know if he’s real. He may just be in my head. Luna didn’t see him, but I could. Maybe I’m going insane, Celestia pondered heavily.

Italicise them.

“I swear Celestia! What am I going to do with you? Two days in a row you’re late,” the astute secretary stated in a matter of fact tone. Quick Note’s berating almost made Celestia laugh. Though she felt horrid, like her whole world was falling around her, she knew she could always count on her devoted secretary to keep her on task. Celestia offered a quick apology, and told her that she merely needed a moment alone. “I don’t mind if you need to postpone something Princess. Just please tell me next time,” Quick Note said with a smile. On the surface, the secretary seemed somewhat fanatical, but deep down she was heartfelt and kind. She merely expressed her care for the princess in a somewhat coarse irregular manner.

Welp, that someone clear things up a bit, but calling the Princess by the first name is quite unacceptable, even by modern social standards... tread carefully, my friend.

“I promise my little pony,” Celestia stated.

^ either "... little pony." Celestia stated, or "... little pony," stated Celestia.

Or that little vixen Chrystalis,” he spoke.

oh god. CHRYSALIS... not CHRYSTALIS o.o

“Shut up! I have more than enough power to defeat you! You will not harm Equestria” she yelled out of anger and pride.

Missing punctuation.

Celestia’s world began to spin. Her stomach lurched, as she hit all fours on the floor of her room. She could see his eyes glaring down at her in satisfaction. He robbed her of all her will. The only thing she could picture in her mind was an image of her dead child, and with that everything went black. The last thing she saw was Luna and Twilight standing over her, and in that moment only one thing escaped her breath. “Ragnarok….”

Ragnarok?... really? Celestia bore a foal named ... Ragnarok? A foal that causes "the final destruction of the world in the conflict" (source)?... That's... just... WHAT? o.o Careful. Not all names can be used any way you want it. Nephilim is fine though.

Overall, it's still plagued with errors :/ But with a little more practice, you'll avoid them in the future :) So far, 5.49999/10 XD
Keep writing.

With utmost profession for perfection and passion,
Ice Cube.

2764204 I appreciate you review, and that you've pointed out some of my errors. Sometimes you just need a second set of eyes to see some things that you can't. In reference to how Quick Note treats Princess Celestia, I intended it to be that way. There will be more relationship development between the two later on to reveal why she does/can talk to her in such a way. Furthermore, I understand the meaning of the name Ragnarok. I'm using it for a reason. That reason you'll find out partially at the end of this story and the beginning of the continuation once this is finished. Apart from that your review was very thorough, and I appreciate it. However, I do have one complaint. The one thing I've noticed with reviews is that many times people bring up the things they dislike, but not the things they like. If you didn't like anything that perfectly fine, however, I would appreciate it if you listed both because it gives me a greater understanding of what I need to alter or keep. Also, when one only discusses the negative sometimes that can seem like your being a jerk. I know personally your not, but it can come off that way. Thank you for the review, and your time! I hope you enjoy the rest of the story as it progresses, and please keep giving me feedback! :rainbowdetermined2::twilightsmile:
Sincerely,
Vanguard_Of_The_Night

2764204 Okay I fixed all the mistakes that you listed plus some others that I found. Thanks you again for the review. I was really hoping someone would come along, and do a review like you did. I don't know very many people on this site, so trying to find someone to review this story that will be someone who will do a good job kinda worried me. However, you have really helped me. Thanks! :pinkiehappy::raritywink::twilightsmile::scootangel::yay::trollestia:

2775713 Sorry for the late read ! :unsuresweetie:

This is getting pretty intense. ^_^ :pinkiehappy:

Hmmm... interesting. Love the "slice of life" moments between two sisters. :raritystarry::unsuresweetie: (unfortunately we have no Luna emoticons in the basic set)

...this isn't gonna wind up being like The Immortal Game, is it? :rainbowderp: (Awesome story, but extremely dark due to on-screen (as it were) deaths of certain characters, as well as Mind Rape of my favorite ponies... :raritydespair: ) They do get better, but... it still leaves scars. :fluttercry:

2833194 Glad your enjoying the story so far! I have no idea if it ends like that other story or not cause I haven't read it.:derpytongue2: However, what I can tell you is that the next chapter will be uploaded this week. I've been loaded down with work, and I also went on vacation so I ended up putting this on the back burner for about two weeks. Don't worry though it's coming back in just a few days.:pinkiehappy: And thanks for the complement on the slice of life moments with the sisters. I really wanted to establish that they're not always formal. Their normal beneath all the royal garb. :twilightsmile:

2850875
I haven't even started to read the story and the description already has me wanting more. Its better than mine. Keep up the good work.

2933383 Thank you so very much for the compliment! :twilightsmile:

Are you still writing this?

3381057 Yes I am still writing this. I am currently in a Paramedic program, and I have been so overwhelmed with school I haven't had the opportunity to log on. I'm so sorry I haven't had the chance to. Soon I will upload a new chapter. Hopefully within a week or so.

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