<Note: Earth doesn’t exist in this story>
Her race once fought for beings of higher power, but it has been long since that has been the case. Many years later, Angels now fight for the mortal races all throughout the galaxy.
When Ember and her squad are sent in to aid a warzone planet, the situation quickly turns dire and she finds herself alone and on the run. After an event that she can’t explain herself, she finds herself on a new world with strange new creatures the likes she hasn’t seen before and some similar but not normal.
Now she must find a way off of the world, but what she doesn’t know is that a familiar foe lurks in the shadows, hidden and always watching.
This story contains a universe full of it's own lore, and as the story progresses it will have it's lore shined on it to explain more. So while it may seem like a possible cross-over, the universe that meets the Pony-verse doesn't exist in any official media.
2734991
On the topic of proper introduction, would it be best if I give a bit of backstory before it starts? I was a bit afraid if I spent too much time explaining that it will turn people off. My originally idea was that as the story goes and you learn about Ember you get an idea of where she is from.
But if I threw readers too far in without any aid, should I go back and give an introduction?
2736184 Well, I honestly don't know. I'm just 14 and I've been new to the whole reading thing. After all, it IS your story. But what I CAN say is that a proper introduction of the protagonists and the whole conflict behind the whole thing IS pretty important. Without that, The whole fic wouldn't make sense, and you can easily lose interest. But, you can still make an introduction now. There are plenty of storylines that are similar to this, but it's more effective in movies, tv, ect. In reading, risky move, and some readers aren't so patient, especially in this situation. They can quickly forget about the fic. I'm not saying everyone will lose interest, but probably the great mayority, and they'll underestimate the fic.
2738886 In the backstory thing, I suppose it is recommended, I think it helps for you to understand the character better. The backstory is optional, and you can show the backstory whenever you want.Whether it is literally at the beginning, or maybe there is a situation of nostalgia or he/she is explaining it to somebody. (If that IS what backstory is lol. If it isn't welp... My bad XD)
2738886
In the Prologue I did edited earlier today and added an Introduction. I hope it helps. :)
This looks really good!!!! Can't wait for the next chapter
ive seen a few instances where you use the plural instead of singular when describing what happens to characters.
like
that just creates confusion.
But i like the idea and the universe its based on, the galaxy she comes from sounds a bit like Warhammer 40k only without all the grimdark grimdarkness and a whole lot more reasonable people in command. With the magic and technology things going on.
2740706
Yeah sorry, I also see a problem with the entire sentence... I will go back and edit. :)
Edit: I also checked other places, and tried to fix as many as I can. I will admit, I am not the best editor of my own work. :(
Those are civilizations that fight interstellar wars and the, from what i could gather, power armor goes on the frizz when it comes into contact with water and they use flint and steel to make fire?
The armor could be explained by it being damaged from the fighting and subsequent escape from the changelings but the fire thing somehow irks me.
Still good job so far.
2741845
I wouldn't exactly call it power armor. I doesn't enhance the users ability. The armor didn't go on the fritz solely because of the water but because it got hit by the changelings magic and then hit by the rocks in the water. But I will add that part in- because I do see now that I sort of implied it was just the water.
And the Flint and Steel? I was trying to think of something that sounded a bit more realistic then random technology that creates fire, to not make it a Dues ex machina. Maybe I could turn it to matches? A bit simplier.
Ugh... I hope I am not turning people away...
2741884
Its mostly just me being overly critic on small inconsistent or minor confusing things.
for the fire thing just call it a lighter or space matches or something but flint and steel sounds so primitiv compared to the setting she came from.
2741903
But I would say that is useful for me as there may be others like you that are getting confused because I make small mistakes. And yeah, the flint and steel does seem really primitive.
2741884
well, this story has my attention seem's like a badass angel you have going here i will keep looking forward to the update's!
i need more chapter's and this fiery slate pony i like him don't kill him yet...yet or do what ever it is we authors do to OC's
SO her guns work like the ones in the first mass effect only the phlebotinum is called differently.
I'm okay with that.
And i like the way you write action scenes, they could be implemented like this in a game and it would totally work out.
I can see the quick time event buttons flashing before me and one failure will cause the enemy to crush you and you have to start over or die!
2786969
Yeah. I definitely inspiried by Mass Effect on that part. Although it took me a while because I was trying to think of some realistic explanation but then decided to just make up something that made sense inuniverse.
Also on the topic of action scenes, I do write them out as if I was playing a game. :D And looking back at it, I can see what you mean by the QTE's. XD
I can tell you just from the description that I wouldn't want to read this story. Not because it doesn't seem interesting, but because the description is too confusing.
I can follow it, but casual readers aren't going to want to work to understand what they're reading. Some grammar mistakes, run on sentences, and too much information all combine to make a descriptino that leaves nothing to the imagination.
I'd suggest searching for an editor in some of the dedicated groups here on FIMfiction, and rewriting the description to tempt readers more. Something like a short description of the Gods and Goddesses thing, and then the last paragraph. That's it.
I know from experience that personal editing doesn't work as well as fresh eyes.
Good luck!
2790275
Hm... Maybe I should. Truthfully I hadn't thought of getting an editor. I think I might check into that. As for the description... I will work on it. If it truly is too complicated, I can just leave the majority of the description to the intro paragraph of Chapter 1 and make the story description more bare bones.
Also on another note... Could someone who down voting please tell me what I am doing wrong? I don't want to pander, but it's frustrating to get down voted and not even get told why.
2791774 Honestly, no. The people who downvote will almost never leave their reasoning.
Welcome to the frustrations of being an author.
2792138
Guess that is just something I will need to deal with. Anyway, I think soon I will rewrite the synopsis and try to find an editor. The Proofreader Group I am guessing is where I will find that.
2792147 Pretty much, yeah. Or you could make a post in Looking for Editors. I would provide a link, but I'm on a mobile device right now.
2792238
Hey, I rewrote the synopsis, tell me what you think. I hope it's a bit more casual friendly.
WoooOOOOoooOOO
2884226 The reason I haven't added it to that group is because without spoiling it, non-OC's will become a major player. Not so much that you will see events unfold through their eyes (unless the story demands it), but that they will play a role. It's going to be one very long story. I hope everyone will stick around for the entire thing. :)
2885561 Oh... Okay I will try and find that group.
Okay...so...Ember...is an angel, correct? Not to be rude...but...does she have wings? What is her appearance? And, if aloud, what is her backstory...in a gist. I'll be honest, I can't stand huge backstory. Just want the small gist, that's really it. But, besides that...I find this awesome.
HAVE MY LIKE AND FAVE!!
Oh...and mustaches!
3066950
XD Well to say some things, she does have wings but they have to be "summoned" so to speak. So on average she doesn't have wings. As for the backstory... I do wonder sometimes if that is why my story seems to be more of a niche. XD
need more...chapter's...*starts coughing due the cliff hanger video*
3264240
Hey! I just wanted to say I haven't forgotten about the story. I've been way to distracted this path month (the point where I'm getting pissed off at myself), and I plan to change that. As I hope to get the next chapter out soon.
3354795
hmm i think you get magic spell number 27/29
10/10
