• Member Since 18th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Aug 6th, 2013

sailor sunburst


E

When the angel captain Pit and his "brother" Dark Pit are called by Palutena when she informs them a friend of hers is in trouble, it leads to a new adventure and new experiences for the two angels as they are turned into Pegasus in the land of Equestria. With Hades back once again, teaming up with Chrysalis, how will the angel's fare when they can barely use their bows?!
At least twilight and her friends are there to help, right?
after all, Palutena DID ask...

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 10 )

That was rather neat. I am a bit lost about why Pit and dark Pit would have to be Pegasi. Wouldn't that be counter-intuitive?

(deleted original posting since the author didn't request for criticism)

for some reason....I kinda wanna see Pit paired with Twilight....and Dark Pit paired with Rainbow Dash.......I know this sounds weird doesn't it? Anyway so far it seems good. But I feel like I missed something, try writing paragraphs with minor details so your readers can get a better feel for the story and don't just type a line then hit enter. One liners do not make a story and it annoys me to look at.

"Celestia took a deep breath and her eyes glowed. Things got blurry for the two angels as they were teleported to Equestria. Their wings felt cramped and their bodies started to ache. They soon landed on a stone floor.

“oof… I prefer flying…” muttered pit

“princess! Welcome home!” a voice said

“twilight sparkle! My dear student! How good it is to see you and you’re friends welcome me home!”

The two angels opened their eyes and almost screamed when they saw

“wh-wh-what…” stammered pit when he saw

“Palutena did warn thou as to Equestria being unusual.” Said a dark-coated, dark-maned winged unicorn in front of them."
What you have
....................................................................

"Celestia took a deep breath and her eyes (Needs a supporting word) *Started to* glowed., things got blurry for the two angels as they were teleported to Equestria. Their wings felt cramped and their bodies started to ache. They soon landed on a stone floor. <Add more here

EX: The two felt an odd transformation wash over them, there bodies felt small and compact as muscle and bone shifted around leaving them aching in places that hadn't been there before.

“oof… I prefer flying…” muttered Pit <One liners need to stop please, and remember to capitalize proper names
“princess! Welcome home!” a voice said <one liner

EX: Pit groaned rising up on his new hooves "Ohh, I prefer flying to...whatever that was!" he muttered rubbing his head not aware of the physical chance he and his counter part have just undergone. A new voice caught the twin's attention "Princess! Welcome home!" A purple unicorn entered the room at a quickened gallop, obviously happy to see her mentor.



“twilight sparkle! My dear student! How good it is to see you and you’re friends welcome me home!” <I know who saying this but still, too many exclamation points. Is she shouting?

"Twilight Sparkle! My dear student, how good it is to see you and you're friends welcoming me home" Celestia said the warmth in her voice radiating a motherly tone towards the young unicorn.

The two angels opened their eyes and almost screamed when they saw <one liner

“wh-wh-what…” stammered pit when he saw <Could have been combined with this. This line is lonely!

The two Angels eye's began t come into focus, the sight before them nearly made them scream in shock! Pit was the first to speak "W...what?" he went to rub his eyes to make sure he wasn't just seeing things. The shock became worse as he saw his hand no longer had fingers "Pitto my fingers are gone! How will I use chop sticks without fingers?! Oh man please tell me I still have wings!" Pit panicked."

just a few suggestion...

2733229 thanks for the criticism. in all fairness, i perhaps could have spent more time proof reading. :ajsleepy: i am glad you like it though! i'll try to make it better as time goes by! :twilightsmile:

2733164 if you think about it, it makes sense. angels are known for flying, much like pegasi. the two were never really born with magical powers, so i couldnt make them unicorns. pegasi make the most sense. plus, in the game, they cant fly on their own; they need the power of flight. again, it does make sense to make them pegasi. the concern is noted though, i'm still a bit of an amateur writer.

2733528
I was thinking that they were much more useful as Angels. Put couldn't fly without Palutena's help really...

You could really use an editor, but otherwise I really like the story!

I will up this for the idea. Got a love that game. You think that they will make KI game for the WIIU?:rainbowhuh:

That artwork of Palutena riding Celestia's pretty funny!:rainbowlaugh: Because of the plethora of crossovers I've read, I think that Celestia and Luna have even more connections with deities from other universes than Twilight with Equestria.

2778326 No, I think it was said that Uprising was the last one, beside Smash appearances. DON'T QUOTE ME ON THAT THOUGH.

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