Old Bloody Memories

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BioChemicalWolfGear

BioChemicalWolfGear #1 · Dec 18th, 2013 · · · Chapter 1 - The News *Edit ·

North Sozan Daily
West Sozan Districts threaten to secede from Sozan Commonwealth. Mikhail Kusno, Representative of the West Co. merchants have made a deal with outside mercenaries to protect trade routes. A number of riots have occured on the East and West borders. Negotiations underway to settle disputes. Poverty in Eastern Districts rise 2% and crime rate in Southern districts rise 9%. Troops sent to Northern Soza to watch borders and checkpoints...

There is so much wrong with this. First of all, so much information that isn't portrayed correctly. Most of it is meaningless babel, and while we understand there are faction names in this. However the meaning of the paragraph is lost when you say things like "on the East and West borders" which is very informal while the earlier parts of it are very formal. Using specific names of factions and uncommon words to portray current events. So when going from "secede from Sozan Commonwealth" to "East and West borders" is an unwelcome and uncomfortable transition.

However I like where you're going with this idea. I suggest letting the details be a little more vague so this small slip up doesn't happen again, it also makes this look more like a newspaper than an attempt to describe the world the character is in.

Think of it for a moment. Newspapers aren't like this. They don't tell you every detail about the situation when they tell it, they also don't put down statistics unless it's happened quite a few days ago so they could actually DO the math that led to those statistics. Which implies this has been going on for a while, but they seem to speak about it like it's fairly recent. But there's something I noticed that's a little more pressing. Newspapers don't have this kind of clustered information. They have segments of very topic based information rather than a general state of affairs. It's to keep information from drying up before getting to the second page, and also to keep readers from being aggravated by facts they don't want to read about. Let's say you want to hear about the thirty car pile up but come across jabber about Tiger Woods.

Yea not fun when you want to hear about the crash and not Tiger Woods.

He continued to head bang his desk, until there was a knock at the door. "It's open!" He shouted with a frown.

I found this impressive. Only because he was able to shout "with" a frown. Implying that he was frowning while shouting. Try to do that right now. No really, try it. Or at least try to exclaim something while frowning. Feels weird right? Well that's hard to do naturally so he'd probably feel silly after he did that...he also couldn't do it in the moment without noticing. So I suggest keeping the "with" "then" "and" "and then" in mind when creating dialog. Sometimes you say something you don't mean, and we imagine it literally. Making the scene seem strange.

I might be doing the same thing in my stories. I only just thought of it now.

idle automobiles were giant mounds of white and not a person in sight in any streets.

"were" or "where"? Or alternatively, this could be just worded wrong.

"Aw, worried about me?" He asked while lying sitting in his chair.

Just reread that and you'll know what's wrong. In case you don't yet, it's the character lying while sitting on the chair...which would be impressive in real life but an error in writing.

"Oh, Generous aren't we now Isaac? Kylan said with a raised eyebrow and a smile.

OH! on my way scrolling back up I saw you left out a quotation mark.

He walked the breezy streets with each step with more wind in his face than the last. His black jacket over his thick hoodie had served him well over the years, but with each year the winters only got worse,
"Christ, are the winters getting worse here or what?" He cursed under his breath. A handful of people just like Kylan littered the sidewalks, either trying to get home or run some quick errands.

It's malpractice to restate something you've literally just talked about in a descriptive paragraph earlier and then use dialog to convey it again. The reason why people talk about facts in paragraphs outside of dialog is to convey a fact they wouldn't be able to get to through the dialog itself.

The streets filled with snow and festive lights and each step filled Kylan's ears with the crunch of snow and the bitter cold of the wind.

When a single sentence has three "and"s then it's been dragged on too long. Especially if two of the three "and"s was no more than three words after the first.

Kylan held his lighter in front of the cigarette and lighted it for the soldier. "Oh, thanks mate, 'ppreciate it."

I can inform you a little about the mentality of pedestrians and military personnel. When in the presence of soldiers, adults like to avoid them, assuming their on duty or to not disturb them. Children however don't have this problem, not plagued by the idea that someone is going to hurt you, or not seeing the seriousness of the duties of a soldier. This being said, I find it hard to believe a full grown adult will approach an on duty soldier without at least announcing his presence to him first. It's even more worrying that he was able to get within punching distance to him to light a cigarette that was in his mouth.

Ok welp that was my review. I didn't see all that much that needed improvement, just your delivery of the dialog. Characters seem dull but show promise. The way you described everything was all right but vague as hell. I barely noticed the transitions of going from inside a warm house to outside in the cold. Not to mention the fact he was walking.

Think of it. Why wouldn't he take a car? Obviously his house is several miles away. Especially if there was an explosion going off on the street and his wife in the next scene couldn't hear it or the gunfire that followed. The soldier also stated that it's almost curfew and he should hurry up. So the event logic is atrocious when realism is in mind.

Anyway I'm going to need a chapter where he's having meaningful interaction with other characters. Then I can really analyze personality and critique it. Right now there doesn't seem all that much important.

Also I noticed how the wife and child didn't seem to have as much detail regarding their physical appearance. If it was there, then you should consider rewording it to make it stand out more.

Dry Monkey

Dry Monkey #2 · Dec 18th, 2013 · · · Chapter 1 - The News *Edit ·

3643054 Thank you. My current person for reviewing my story has gone strangely silent. I thank you for this. Seriously, I do. Trying to get back into writing is a bitch. Every amount of criticism is appreciated.

Also keep up the good work in Remembering Garry's Mod. Although, kinda felt iffy when Blake suddenly lost his memory.

BioChemicalWolfGear

BioChemicalWolfGear #3 · Dec 18th, 2013 · · · Chapter 1 - The News *Edit ·

3643302
I'm going to rewrite that after I'm done with a new Terraria story. I've already taken down 3 chapters to keep people from bitching about it while I'm not working on it.

Alexander Frederickson