• Member Since 16th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen Aug 8th, 2013

Worldshatter


E

The young filly Ditzy Doo is stuck with being constantly teased and bullied for her abnormal eye and lack of a cutie mark. Everyone has started dubbing her with the name "Derpy Hooves" due to her lack of coordination.. She truely has begun to believe that she will never be able to serve any purpose. However an unexpected encounter will help to turn her life around and make her realize what she is truely good at.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 5 )

Sorry but I think it is Derpy's not derpies

The story line and the characterization aren't bad, I think. You do make technical writing mistakes and could use an editor for the technical aspects, though.

You need to begin a new paragraph with a change of speaker. You're also leaving out periods and commas when framing quotations. Here's a short excerpt, corrected:

"What happened to her?" her father asked as he look towards his wife.

"I think you know well what happened,"she snapped at him. "The other fillies were teasing her again..." Her voice began to calm down and she sighed. "They can be so cruel to her..."

Her father, finally realizing what was happening, said with genuine concern in his voice, "Should we go and talk to her?"

A lot of people may not read this or might downvote it when they see the grammar mistakes, but keep in mind that grammar can be learned pretty easily. The harder part to learn, the crafting of characters and plot, I think you have potential in.

Pretty good start!

2730967 Thank you for the constructive feedback. I'm going to look over the story and attempt to fix every mistake that I can. I've always been better at crafting stories than actually writing them down :)

2730864 The title has been corrected

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