Waking Up
Nothing felt familiar. In fact, the being forced into awareness could barely "feel" anything at all, let alone see. There was nothing but darkness, sensation, and disembodied thought. All 'it' was appeared to be patterns of thought and dulled senses, but it possessed a sense of perception. 'It' could still think and be aware. But in that moment, its memory was a blank slate.
Who am I? Where am I? What happened to me?
The trapped being searched through its stream of fragmented consciousness, words and thoughts and concepts that it recognized, the who and what and where. Trying to remember anything from its past that came to It. But finally, what it assumed to be memories dimly resurfaced. The recollection of there having been a life before this emptiness, a full life, a detailed life... but what had it been in that life? What was it forgetting? Why was the only thing that came to its mind a perception of merely existing? It closed its eyes that it realized it possessed. the action somehow helping it focus. What could it remember...
Twilight, it—or rather, she—thought, the recollection growing strong in its mind, my name is Twilight. That, at least, she could remember clearly. She focused her mind again, attempting to call forth more memories, trickling back on the fringes of her consciousness. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I live in Ponyville. I have five pony friends, a dragon assistant named Spike, and I am the student of Princess Celestia.
It was as she thought the name "Princess Celestia" that the previous events came flooding back into her mind. The memory of the Princess arriving in her library at night. Stating in a completely serious tone that Twilight herself was living in a world of non-existence and she needed to "wake up"... the terrifying sight of everything as she knew it breaking apart and vanishing in a monochromatic blur, Spike forcibly snatched from her hooves in the same terrifying fashion...
It must have been sleep deprivation, she pondered, trying to convince herself. That must have made me have a bad dream when I fell asleep... It was the explanation that her rational mind was attempting to convince herself of. She wanted to deny the reality of those final moments, but her mind was nagging at her to observe the facts. The conversation had felt too real to have been an illusion brought on through lack of sleep. That had to have been real, she couldn't be just... a mere thought in the void of empty space and time.
"Brainwaves... erratic..."
Twilight struggled to strain her awareness. She thought she had heard voices, just barely there...
"Too long... wake her up! Now!"
More voices again. She thought she recognized this one.
As a more complete awareness began to return to her senses, she could sense that she was propped upright, her body feeling as if it had been stretched out beyond its normal remembered length. Perhaps it was just her perception being warped as she steadily came back into wakefulness, but her hind hooves felt at least a foot farther from her front hooves than she was accustomed to. She felt more disjointed and warped than her ordinary unicorn form, as if somepony had tricked her mind into believing that a rubber hoof was attached to her body.
She attempted to get a bearing on her surroundings, to stretch muscles which felt that they hadn't been moved for ages. But to her horror, she remained immobile, as if frozen in stone. Why couldn’t she move? Why did her form seem so strange? She couldn't move her hooves, and they felt almost disjointed. Not so much like phantom limb pain and more like a patchwork creature put together all wrong. She tried to use her magic, but no magenta glow accompanied her efforts. It took a great effort to even open her mouth to speak. “Where am I?”
She felt her heartbeat briefly cease as the sound of her own voice reached her eardrums. Why did her voice sound different? The tone and pitch were the almost the same, but sounded somewhat deeper, older. The sound itself was distant, hollow, like it was only hanging on the fringes of existence. As if it had broken away from the orderly plane of an earthly life and was mingling with a chaotic dimensional void…. She attempted to convince herself that it could just be the acoustic properties of wherever she was... but where was she, anyway?
"Get her out of there!" said another voice, louder this time, more urgent than the others.
Twilight's perception experienced further confusion as a thin but bright sliver of light entered her vision, throwing her senses into disarray at the sudden visual stimulation, and voices assaulted her eardrums. She became aware of a tall cylindrical chamber around her as the metal confinement began to slide apart horizontally with a barely audible whir. She was still incapable of movement, or seeing herself, but she was able to see the plates of cold aluminum on either side of her slide open before grinding to a halt.
The forms of ponies stood before Twilight, appearing to be veiled in shadow as their primary features were obscured, the only distinctive aspect being the shape of their faces. A tall mare flanked by a pair of stallions, and it was the mare alone whom Twilight recognized as her eyesight adjusted.
It was the mare Twilight had known as Princess Celestia.
As the subject of their gaze squinted, Twilight realized from the angle of the overhanging light source that the ponies weren't truly obscured in shadow, but merely wearing black suits to conceal their identities. Twilight thought she could faintly make out mechanized constructs behind them if she focused her vision, but the lighting was so focused on her specific placement that it was almost impossible to make out anything beyond herself and the three ponies whose gazes were fixed on her.
At last, Celestia stepped forward slightly, and it was her voice that really froze the perplexed being to the spot. Not so much what the alicorn's voice in question sounded like in itself—gentle yet authoritative, as was a common tone for her—but rather what the alicorn said:
“Asteria?"
Twilight's heartbeat stopped once more, her body freezing up. A frantic beeping accompanied her shock.
"Are you okay, Asteria?"
That name again. That unfamiliar name Celestia had used as a "trigger"...
A series of clicks indicated the clamps around her limbs were being unlatched.
The other ponies made a move to release her from her confinement, and the moment Twilight was free from her firmer bounds, she crashed to the ground, still ensnared by a tangled mess of wires and circles that stuck to her skin, the room spinning as her head made contact with the silver-tiled floor.
The scent of fresh cleaning solvent on the floor nearly caused Twilight to gag, but her breath came out in nothing more than choked gasps as she realized that, indeed, her body wasn't at all composed of the same structure she had known it to be. Twilight dimly managed to steal a glance at her body in her delirium, daring to figure out why she felt so strange physically, panic aside.
The sight only sent her into a further panic. She felt as if hallucinatory shapes were swimming before her eyes as she tried to hold on to consciousness. She couldn't go back to the dark again, not when she had so many questions...
"Somepony help her up!" An unfamiliar voice resounded in Twilight's eardrums, only adding to the pain in her head as her disjointed limbs were supported by ponies on either side of her, trying to untangle the choking wires from around her.
"She's not going into shock, is she?"
"Her heart rate's increasing—"
"Asteria, stay awake."
"We need to cut the—"
It was the last Twilight heard before her awareness went black.
"Asteria?"
It was like hearing a voice through water.
"Asteria?" A beam of harsh light reflected through glass shone into Twilght's eyes as the medical stallion searched for any indicators that she was coming out of her shock. He saw her eyes blink twice, still bleary. "Asteria, can you hear us?"
Twilight dimly was aware of her own head nodding, almost a reflex as her mind began to race. What the hay?! Why did I just nod? My name's not Asteria, it's Twilight! Still struggling to remain conscious, Twilight tried to bring the room around her into focus. She could see what looked to be rows of hospital beds, and she was aware of the tickling sensation of wires hooked up to monitor her brainwaves and heart rate. Whereas the world she remembered had been bright and colorful, this one seemed cold and unfeeling and blank. She swallowed, trying to force some moisture back into her throat.
Twilight chanced a glance at her own body once more, to determine in the increased lighting if what she thought she had seen had been a frantic delusion.
It hadn't.
If her heartbeat had resumed a pattern closer to normalcy, a more proper look at her own body nearly caused Twilight's heart to stop again in her dazed state, then become erratic. Her heartbeat sped up again.
"W-What?". Her voice was shaky, but it still retained that slightly older sound.
"Asteria, calm down..."
"N-No..."
Her right hoof was the only part of her that looked similar to how she had known it, though somewhat longer. Her left front appendage was another story—where a lavender hoof had once been there was now the curled black claw of a dragon, her right foreleg lengthened to balance it out, her foreleg a blend of lavender fur and black scales.
Feeling delirious, Twilight glanced down at her torso and lower limbs. Pale blue feathers, nearly white, appeared to cover her body, and the sensing of new protrusions from her back signified that she had grown wings along with it, large like that of a falcon. One hind hoof had been warped into a bear paw, but with a single long claw seeming to glint. The other was now in the shape of a goat's rough cloven hoof.
Twilight hurriedly grabbed onto the bedsheets to steady her trembling form, trying as hard as she could to not go into shock again. "This isn't happening," she murmured in a frantic mantra as she closed her eyes, an action which only seemed to cause further murmurs from the ponies surrounding her, attempts at soothing with that foreign name. At least they were keeping their distance.
"This can't be happening, I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming..." Her body trembled as she blinked her eyes, the new perceptions still present. This unfamiliar place, her older voice, her new body that she couldn't control... it felt real, but it couldn't be... Her breath came out in heaving gasps, her mind utterly refusing to accept that any of this could possibly be her "true life", in contrast to the reasonably secure life she had known in Ponyville.
"Calm down, Asteria," Celestia said in a soothing tone, her face looming into view as Twilight struggled to slowly breathe. Even here, Twilight found her presence somewhat comforting. "You're awake now, it's alright. Just stay still—"
"P-Princess," Twilight muttered, looking at Celestia with incomprehension. "W-Where—"
"Princess?"
Celestial blinked, then let out a slow sigh as the medical doctors glanced at her "Asteria, I'm not a princess here." Her eyes were misted over with regret. "You were in that life too long."
Twilight was about to respond, but there was a quick series of knocks at the door, causing the others to turn at the sound.
"Come in," Celestia called.
Twilight clenched her eyes shut for an instant, dizzy, not willing to see more who would prod at her and call her by that other name. "B-But... my friends..." she whispered.
The door opened, then shut, accompanied by the sound of trotting hooves. "Ah wanted to see how thing's were goin'".
Twilight's eyes opened the moment she heard the familiar accent. I know that voice!
The room's occupants glanced over at the approaching mare, emerald-eyes intent but wary. "Ah came here as soon as Ah heard ya woke up."
The speaker in question stepped forward, closer to the bed, and Twilight's suspicions were confirmed. It was a pony she recognized by voice alone, yet the demeanor seemed much more businesslike than she was used to.
It was Applejack.
Applejack looked at Celestia with a worried expression. "Does she remember anything?"
"Well, it's hard to say," Celestia started with a saddened tone, hooves planted on the floor, uncertain of what to do next considering Twilight's mental condition, "she knows my name, but she doesn't seem to remember much else."
Applejack frowned cautiously, stepping more into Twilight's view. "Do ya... remember me?"
Twilighht weakly nodded, hoping this could turn out right. "A-Applejack?" She hoped that her old friend's name was the same here.
Applejack's eyes lit up excitedly, a hopeful grin on her face. "Yeah! And what do Ah do for a livin'?"
The expression on the faces of the pair held the same unspoken meaning: Do you remember?
For those moments, a flood of memories from her Ponyville life came to Twilight, her happiness at seeing Applejack overshadowing her current situation. "You harvest apples at Sweet Apple Arces!"
Applejack's expression fell, as then did Twilight's. "No, Ah..." She sighed, her expression looking suddenly more worn. "Asteria. Ah..."
Twilight's heart sunk further at the name again. "I'm n-not..."
Both the doctors and Celestia could tell these high emotions weren't needed.
"Perhaps it would be best if you stay with her for a bit before she rests," one of the stallions said, running a hoof through his black mane as he jotted down some more notes. "Since Asteria just woke up, maybe a little interaction with those who interacted more with her will help get her memories back.". The green glow of his magic levitated the notepad into a bag strapped around his neck.
"Thank you," Celestia said, nodding her thanks to the stallion.
Twilight nodded slightly as well, hoping that sleep would somehow help her clear her mind.
"We'll get feedback from the monitors, so if anything goes wrong, we'll be right there."
As the doctor left, Celestia, Applejack, and Twilight were left alone. For the moment, there was silence, as if they were anxious that conversation could have drastic consequences.
Finally, it was Celestia who broke the silence. She knew that she had to, for Asteria's sake, seeing as for the moment she had calmed down. "Asteria?"
After hesitating, Twilight nodded. She'd have her chance to argue with them later, if she really wasn't dreaming after all. "Celestia? Am... Am I..."
"This is your true form," Celestia explained gently, as if talking to a foal, bringing a mirror over to the distressed patient. "At least, right now."
Twilight felt her heart drop at this further confirmation of her appearance. Her face was longer, similar in fact to Discord's, though the fur on her face was a pale purple, lighter than before. She no longer possessed a horn, though her disheveled mane bore a resemblance to her old one. But instead of the largest stripe being pink, it was azure. Rather than having the ears of a pony, they looked more bat-like instead.
The only thing that clearly remained almost as she had known it, with no change, was her eyes. Twilight tried to focus on only that. That one normal thing, even as her unfamiliar parts tried to tear her focus away.
"You've forgotten everything about this old life, and think your life as Twilight Sparkle was indeed the life that truly existed." Twilight barely registered Celestia's words, nor did she want to. "Your perception of the world as you knew it was fake. It was just a test." She paused. "One you yourself requested, of course. Just like the other times."
"T-Test?" Twilight's face slowly went from disbelief to merciless devastation as those accursed words played over and over again in her mind like a broken record. The ponies whom she recognized here weren't the ones she had known. The ponies were familiar in appearance and yet strangers to her. She, too, was a stranger in her own, fragmented body. Only her mind remained as she knew and remembered it.
"You've been this way physically for a couple weeks. And mentally..."
Twilight looked at Celestia in distress. Applejack's expression remained even, trying to keep her composure.
"Do you remember? Anything at all?"
Twilight shook her head.
Afterer giving her a long look, Celestia hung her head. "It would be best if I tell you later." She slowly started to walk out, Applejack trailing behind. She turned to look back. "Get some rest. Maybe then your memories will come to you."
Applejack coughed slightly. "Ahem, Celestia?"
Celestia turned her gaze toward the earth pony. "Yes, Applejack?"
"Can Ah, uh, talk to ya in your room?". She looked sadly at Asteria. "Seein' as the doctor said—"
"Of course, Applejack," Celestia confirmed.
For a moment, the two mares looked at one another, then at Twilight.
"We'll check on you in a few hours and hope your memory recovers," Celestia said, gently laying a hoof on Twilight's head.
Twilight nodded weakly.
"Good night, Asteria," Applejack said finally, following Celestia out. The two gave the former equine one final, saddened look before they shut the door.
Twilight dimly nodded as the door closed. Not moving from her position, she tried to shut her eyes and drift off, not even having the heart to say "Good night" back. It was hard enough trying to move her disjointed limbs as she curled up on the bed to sleep, making sure to turn opposite the mirror.
Applejack and Celestia walked slowly through the labyrinth of hallways, passing machinery, video screens, and several rooms, open and closed. When a few of the occupants said hello, they only got a slight wave in response. Neither felt like saying a word.
Finally, they came to a door marked with Celestia's name, employment number, and occupation at the company. Applejack reached the door first and gestured for Celestia to walk through.
Celestia did so, a little apprehensively. True, she was greater than Applejack in both age and rank, but when Applejack had something to say, few questioned it. Especially when Asteria was concerned.
The moment that both of them had stepped into the room, Applejack, trembling, slammed the door shut with a loud bang and whirled around to face Celestia. The pictures and certificates hanging on the wall shook from the force.
"How could ya?!"
The calm and gentle voice that had been used around Twilight was completely gone from Applejack's voice. "How could ya, Celestia?!" Her tone was filled with pain and rage as she faced the alicorn. Her voice was breaking as her gaze seemed to shoot daggers. "You said that her mind would be able to handle it!"
The fury in Applejack's gaze even caused Celestia to feel small. "I thought she'd remember when she woke back up, but..." A sigh. "I was wrong."
"'Ah was wrong', that's all ya can say?!" Applejack shouted, stomping her hoof. "Ah told her ya were keepin' her in there too long!"
"I tried to talk her out of it," Celestia said firmly, rising to her full height. "You know how much Asteria desires to..." she paused, reflecting on Asteria's past questionable acts, ".... mix things up."
"Well couldn't ya have checked up on her, gotten her out earlier?" Applejack pleaded, pacing around. "Now she might be sufferin' all sorts of other psychological problems! And she was already fragile enough!"
Celestia took a sharp breath before glancing down at the younger mare. "She's gone through relapses before."
"Not like this! What about all that research she was doin'? Tryin' to figure out who and what she's supposed to be! I mean sure," her voice became quieter, slower, a bit more hesitant, "I know Asteria took a few, um, risky actions once in a while, but..."
For a moment, the two mares stared at each other.
The alicorn forced her voice to attain a more authoritative tone. "Applejack... I'll try to do what I can for Asteria. You know how fragile she was before."
Applejack nodded ruefully.
"And reintroducing her the wrong way could break her mind and set her off again."
AJ nodded again.
"But for now we just have to..." Celestia paused, walking toward her wall and looking at one of the certificates on the wall, an award for a research essay in exisential philosophy and artificial life. "Wait, and hope for the best."
Silence followed her words.
AJ finally broke the silence. "Ah'll let some of the others know about what happened," the earth pony said, opening the door with a slow creak.
Celestia nodded. "I'll be sure to update you on her progress."
The uncertainty in Celestia's eyes mirrored Applejack's as the earth pony shut the door behind her, trotting off to the lecture hall to look for anything that might jog Asteria's memories, for better or worse.
And reflecting on past occurrences, she almost wasn't sure which was which.
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Well, got another familiar character this time and a few hints about Asteria's personality that'll be explored in more concrete detail next chapter!
I had been thinking for a while of how I wanted Asteria to look, seeing as she has clear differences from Twilight and has... psychological issues, I wanted her off-the-wall mis-matched appearance to reflect that.
Also, the part at the beginning where Twilight first wakes up was inspired by Mewtwo from the first Pokemon movie.
Hope you enjoyed! And stay tuned next chapter for the more... well, Mysterious-Stranger-side of Asteria.
It's getting interesting...
For some reason, Asteria actually having a physical body surprised me- "structured thought experiment" seemed more nebulous somehow. Still, the rate of explanation/exposition is less frustrating than usual in this sort of story.
How delightfully mind-bending, bringing the "Element of Honesty" in like that- I'm looking forward to seeing the traces of Asteria within an addled Twilight!
I wonder... what's changed, and what remains?
5157069 And it shall be more so...
5157087 That will be elaborated on later—she basically started out as that kind of nebulous force (there'll be a bit of a showing of that, don't worry), her current form is basically what she accomplished through a huge amount of identity tests. Hence Celestia saying she's looked that way she is currently for a few weeks rather than her whole life.
5157091 Yeah, I figured bringing AJ in first would be a nice contrast considering Twilight/Asteria isn't sure what's real in the first place at the moment considering the amnesia.
Sooo... Is Asteria a draconequus?
5157526 In her current form, pretty much.
I wasn't expecting a draconequus. Not sure the reasoning there. I mean, the two ponies she's recognized so far were relatively similar to the simulation. I thought Asteria was just a pony but... Celestia sized or something. And her current physical form? So the form changes? Was the whole "Discord" thing just some crazy mare named Asteria who couldn't decide on what she wanted to be and went nuts with body mods, and in the simulation he took the form of her residual self image to subtly tease her with, while she got to be a normal pony?
I wonder how long before Applejack realizes the irony of Asteria forgetting about the research into who or what she wants to be, while being absolutely certain that she wants to be Twilight Sparkle the unicorn portegé of Princess Celestia. Problem solved, I guess?
I wonder how long before Twilight realizes that a machine with sufficient complexity to seamlessly emulate an entire world with all the ponies in it besides her, would have to be at least as complex as that entire world and all those ponies combined, and so the simple act of turning it off and clearing its memory is equivalent, as far as Information is concerned, to actually murdering all those ponies... whatever form of bits and bytes they truly have, there have to be ponies in there. I feel guilty every time I power cycle my computer it's sad.
5158527 Yeah, Asteria didn't always look like that, and just because she was a pony as Twilight doesn't mean she was a pony in all the other lives she's lived.
I like how you point out that irony, though it's not just Asteria going through an identity crisis, but she's trying to figure out existence itself. She's a little... mental.
As for the mechanism, you'll see more of it and the world later.
Did not expect that at all.
This is interesting, and more than a little reminiscent of Asylum with the whole "Twilight isn't who she thinks she is" thing. While I wasn't suprised by the Draconequus thing, due to remembering it from when the story idea was first sugessted in a blog post, long long ago, but the changing form thing is interesting. Judging from the fact that she seems to have "Twilight's" forehoof and eyes, I'm going to guess that the form is a mixture of all the lives she's lived in simulations, which would mean she was a dragon at some point... It would be interesting to see more of this world she's woken up in, and how it and it's inhabitants differs from the Equestria we and she know.
5156891
Now that you mention it, I can see the similarities, although this version sadly/thankfully lacks the breaking free and killing everyone with psychic powers.
Looking forward to seeing more of this!
5159153
"Brain the size of a planet... so every time I get distracted, an entire planet dies... oh, there went another one."
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/2/25/Marvin-TV-3.jpg
5160062 *quotes Tiny Toon Adventures theme* Expect the unexpected!
5160112 You're pretty much on the right track with the life-mixture thing.
Regarding the similarity to Asylum, in this case, just because we've seen Celestia and AJ as their normal pony forms doesn't necessarily mean all the others will follow suit.
As for the Mewtwo thing, I can't make promises of her killing a lot of ponies in a rage intentionally in the future...
5160446 What's that from? Seems interesting.
5163594
Ooooooooh. Hadn't thought of that, although it makes sense. Twilight changed, and there's no reason why others wouldn't have if it'd mean they'd fit into the world better... Interesting...
5163594
I just figured it was something Marvin might say. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It's a sci-fi British comedy. Very nihilistic and depressing, uses a lot of wordplay.
5163632 Bingo.
Assuming all the others exist, of course.
5164776 Oohh, neat! I have the book of that but I haven't got to read it yet, and I haven't seen the movie, is it good?
5165092
Hmm. I'd be interesting to see how Twilight would react to finding out one of her friends didn't actually exist, and was just a construct of a world created just so that she could test herself...
5165143 And cue the heartbreak for her, seeing as she wouldn't be able to even reconnect with them.
5165092
No.
5165753 So the book is way better? That;s pretty much what I expected.
5165877
Didn't say the book was better.
5166591 Oh, so Hitchhiker's Guide isn't really that good in general? Or it's good but not great?
5166622
It's really popular, but I'm not a fan. I also thought the author would appreciate me disparaging his work for sake of dramatic irony.
5166760 Ohh, okay.
So is that robot picture you posted before from the movie version?
5165459
Yeah... Having someone she knows and loves taken from her, and then having to find out that she will not only never see them again, but that they never really existed in the first place...
5167132
There are two movies. The one I posted is the old original movie, a direct to TV BBC special something something mumble mumble. The newer one, which apparantly replaced soulless British humor with Broadway musical drama, has this design for Marvin. He's a lot cuter and looks less mind meltingly depressing. A very innaccurate portrayal, in his opinion.
danefield.com/alpha/forums/uploads/post-125-1262523492.jpg
5167600 Yeah, especially her close friends and those she forged a friendship with.
... And I just got an idea concerning one character in particular.
5167805 Oh wow, I didn't know there were two movies, I only knew about the recent one. And the robot you showed there reminds me a little bit of Gir.
5186125
Sounds like it's going to be interesting, I look forward to seeing it!
This is a lot like Asylum, but the setting of a research facility about existence makes less sense to me than a psychological hospital. What experiments could you even do to learn anything about existence