• Member Since 11th Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 21st, 2014

Homura-Akemi-Magica


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Twilight Sparkle has been corrupted by the elements of harmony. The other elements have not, however. They have no idea what to do to help their friend. The background six, (Octavia, Vinyl, Doctor, Derpy, Lyra, and BonBon) are the only ones who can truly help Twilight, her friends, and Equestria, itself. The background six will struggle against several challenges that will drive them to the brink; some that would bring them closer together; and others that may very well lead them to their graves.

~This is my very first story, but hey, I might as well give writing fanfiction a shot.~

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 10 )

It's a very interesting concept, that I for one find very intriguing. The writing of the chapter was incredibly good for someone's first story.

There were however a few problems I had with it;

1: It was incredibly rushed. If you take the time to slow it down, you would be able to attract a lot of readers in the future.

2: There was virtually no description at all. In future chapters, take the time to describe the scene that is going on and what the characters are feeling and doing.

If you can incorporate these pieces into the story, you would be able to get more views, more possible likes, and also more people possibly favoring your story.

I have already made my vote and gave it a thumbs up and will be putting this story in my list of favorite stories. Keep up the good work.

Till next time,

-BMAGIC678

2731015
Thanks, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
As for the descriptive matter, I am planning on describing things better than I did. Even I had a bit of a problem with it, so I will happily attempt to describe the details better.
The later chapters will definitely be slower paced than what I did. Since the background six are going to different areas, it should be easier to pace everything. :twilightsmile:

whose it was or even when it came from;

It's supposed where it came from.

Other than that one grammar mistake, this chapter was paced a lot better and was also more descriptive. Keep up the good work.

Till next time,

-BMAGIC678

2731632

Thanks, and I managed to fix that grammatical error. I'll try to be as detailed as the second chapter was. Even though to me it felt like the end of the chapter was more descriptive than the rest of the chapter. :twilightblush:

The best chapter by far. You kept the chapter going at a great pace, it was very descriptive to where I actually saw in my head what was happening and there were no grammar mistakes that I noticed. Keep up the good work and can't wait for more. :twilightsmile:

Till next time,

-BMAGIC678

The best chapter by far. You kept the chapter going at a great pace, it was very descriptive to where I actually saw in my head what was happening and there were no grammar mistakes that I noticed. Keep up the good work and can't wait for more. :twilightsmile:

Till next time,

-BMAGIC678

2742265
Excellent. c: I tried being as descriptive as possible. Glad you enjoyed it. :pinkiehappy:

You are definitely improving from the first chapter. Keep up the good work. :twilightsmile:

Till next time,

-BMAGIC678

Hmm. Writing style is coming along, yet the interactions don't seem to match the setting once everyone leaves the library. Still, it's not so bad it's worth a thumbs down, and with a bit of work on the writing style (PM if you want tips.) you can turn this into a fun piece.
A.G.

You used several phrases more times than you can safely use them. Such as:

The ponies eventually allowed their eyes to get used to the overwhelming amount of light where they were located. The equines eventually realized that the bright light was actually the sun. They eventually realized that they were on an island of the sorts.

And:

It was covered in sludge and shadows. It wore an evil snarl on his muzzle. Octavia thought of a changeling, if it had running sludge-skin; red eyes; and an evil smile with extremely sharp teeth. It was taller than Celestia, herself. She looked behind it and saw her friends, tied up somehow in sludge.
The torches that lit up the room were starting to dim. Vinyl immediately lit up her horn, which melted the sludge off of her

Mix them up a little. Say "green slime" or other things that mean the same thing. Your paragraph separation could use a little work, too.

I also think that the Doctor's reaction was a bit unrealistic. In reality, the Doctor has seen underground buildings before, and it shouldn't be surprising.

Otherwise, it's a good story, with an interesting concept.

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