Delanie's Fire

An alicorn named Delanie struggles to remember why the Everfree forest is so important,and how to save Equestria.Even if she could remember,the Everfree forest is on fire,and nopony can enter.The cover art was made by me,although techincally,it's just Luna with some new colors and no cutie mark.Btw this is my first fic so constructive criticism is welcome.

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 5 )

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Mihail Frost

Mihail Frost #1 · Mar 14th, 2012 · · · The Beginning ·

I just clicked on this story as a spur of the moment thing, since it was in the first position of just incoming stories on the site. You wanted constructive criticism, and I'll try to conform to that, since you say it's your first fic and all.

First off, and probably most marring of all: don't do an alicorn OC. Seriously. It's been done a lot of times before, and only about a handful have worked in a dramatically and narratively consistent and coherent way.

The success of these characters in fanfiction is very much up for debate too, so yeah. I would strongly advise you not to use an alicorn OC for any story, or any purpose, ever, unless it's an integral story element in the greatest epic ever written or if you can really, really make it work some other way. If that time ever comes, I think you will know it.

Second, grammatical problems and sentence structures. After having spent much too many reviews nitpicking my way through people's fics and offering to be a beta reader, I've come to the simple and elegant solution of telling people that their writing will often improve significantly if they let someone else read what they write before they post it to a reading audience. Most of the really well-known writers around do this, and there is no shame whatsoever in asking for assistance in this way.

While you spell quite adequately, you seem to have some issues with punctuation and capitalization, both of which a word processor with a correction feature would probably help you avoid.

And third. While I would not accuse your OC of belonging to this archetype based on this installment of your fic, I feel I saw enough warning signs to know what might be incoming if it's not nipped in the bud. So, I will link an informative site for you, which I suggest you study with great care and learn to steer way clear of all the hallmark signs of a Mary Sue character: TvTropes on Mary Sue characters

Lastly, I've been in your situation before. We all have, and it's no fun being told that you have some distance yet to travel before your writing is really able to speak for itself. But stick with it, suck it up, listen to what people tell you and let it temper you, and you will learn and grow. Here's hoping you don't take the easy way out and quit, or worse still that you take my well-intentioned post as a personal attack and as slander and carry on in spite. Take care.

Pinkieisepic

Pinkieisepic #2 · Mar 16th, 2012 · · · The Beginning ·

320769 Okay,while you say I shouldn't do alicorn OC,she's already an alicorn.I will keep in mind,however,to not do that anymore.I'll look into the beta reader thing too,I suppose,and I have a word processor with a correction feature,so I'll start using it.The reason it has taken me so long to answer is because I've been reading about Mary Sue characters,and I will try to stop Delanie from being one.She was never intended to be like that.So,anyway,thanks for taking the time to comment and help!

Bellothir

Bellothir #3 · Mar 18th, 2012 · · · The Beginning ·

Even though Alicorn OCs are usually frowned upon (I have one myself, but that character is underused), I have chosen to track and favorite this story because I would like to see the story improved.

Remember, writing a fanfic with an OC of any kind isn't easy, so don't give up. Keep trying.