Captain Morgan is a bastard. And a sociopath. And I'm pretty sure he's trying to kill me. Right, now that that's off my chest...
Between rum and a host of other alcoholic beverages, I somehow manage to turn terrible ideas into mostly legible strings of words that I'm naive enough to call "stories". One day, I came home from work to find a few of my drinks hanging out. Not as discarded beer cans my sexy bachelor ass was too lazy to toss into the trash, either. As people. Or people-shaped avatars of their alcoholic beverage equivalents. Anthropomorphic booze? Personified ethanol?
Look, I have no idea how they popped up. I just know they're pretty pissed that I've been drinking their swill and procrastinating on the next chapter of the story I'm actually trying to write. And so they offered to help me, whether I wanted it or not...
Updates will occur when I have tiny aneurysms that slowly deprive me of a bit more of my sanity, bit by bit, until I'm changing the names in Twilight fanfics around and becoming a NY Times bestseller. (By that point, I will be in a persistent vegetative state and will be incapable of feeling guilt over my actions. But I'll be rich, yay!)
BEHOLD!
This is amazing
Now all my braindead co workers are staring at me because I've just burst out laughing but oh well.
I really really really like this fic, please write more
To the moon with those who dislike this, it's an excellent piece of satire!
2729932 Not to be a buzzkill, but I wouldn't expect regular updates. This is kinda just where I'm gonna put random-ass thoughts when I'm stuck on my other story, and for additional practice. (Because Captain Morgan wasn't lyin', I really do need to get muh wordcraftin' up to snuff.)
There will be future updates, however.
2730250
Tis no dramas
I mainly laughed because I do very similar stuff in my writing
2730246 A satire of bad tropes, or of the bad, self-deprecatory author who wrote it?
Don't answer that.
Nice work.
i.imgur.com/hq4Cp.gif
But now I just want Captain Morgan to show up in everything.
2731091 Hahaha, yeah, that'd just be great, wouldn't it?
He's standing at my door, staring at me. Please help me. Please.
You made random not suck. I think I love you.
Also your Lyra is fucking hilarious.
I am probably going to be hated by the group I talk to in Skype, but I'll follow this.
Then again, I can simply blame 2733725 for this. yeah, that works.
~Skeeter The Lurker
2733849
You bang, bang, bang, bang, bang,
Blame, blame, blame
You bang, bang, bang, bang, bang,
It's not my thing so let it go
Funny, I was drinking Sailor Jerry when DPV's post directed me here. I was all ready to finish my comment with something about it being a superior and under appreciated rum and fuck that Captain Morgan grog that they market as rum. Imagine my surprise and glee when Sailor Jerry himself was in the story. Too bad for you he didn't bring along the half-naked chick on the label or the more naked one on the back.
It may just be the alcohol speaking, but I found this to be quite enjoyable. I would probably do something like quote some of my favourite lines but do we really need half the story reposted in a comment?
2734880 I'll make sure to include him more in the next chapter. Just as soon as I think up a personality for him. And yes, Sailor Jerry is the shit. One of the few hard liquors I can still drink straight these days. (There was a party a few years ago. It involved vodka and alcohol poisoning. My stomach has a good memory, and oh-fuck-nos most vodka, whiskey, and tequila up my throat when it feels 'em. But never delicious, delicious Mr. Jerry. Mmmm.)
2733725 I think the only thing I'm actually good at without practice is random. Except for that other random fic I wrote as an in-joke for my coworkers...that was just weird.
And my Lyra is damn near every Lyra I've read in most HiE fics. Plagiarism ahoy!
2733849 That's okay, I blame him for advertising it. It was just supposed to be some irregular thing I updated rarely when I had a wild hair up my ass. Now it's going to be some irregular thing I update slightly less rarely with a wild pirate rapier threatening my ass.
2735276 I know how it goes. I've learned the hard way that I can't drink like I did in college. I think Sailor Jerry being good must be one of those universal constants. Also, I hadn't had Steel Reserve in so long that I forgot that it existed until I read this.
Just stay away from Bacardi though. The last thing your self-insert needs is to see those goddamn bats.
I was beyond disappointed when I realized this wasn't "Captain Morgan Freeman & Friends". Please correct this grievous error immediately.
2741061 I swear I'll include "tittysprinkles" at a later date. If I remember.
I won't remember.
Fuck. Yes.
2746466 Damn straight.
Or dam straits?
Fuck it, I give the people what they need. Usually water. Sometimes words.
2746508
Wait, didn't this get into the feature box already?
Also, THANK YOU FOR FINALLY OFFING THE GRAMMAR NAZI IN MY MIND! I'M FREE!!!
Wait. Shit. He's back. And now he's taking my brain cells one by one into gas chambers, deleting my memory of this story. What was it about again?
2746625 Sadly, nothing I write will ever make the feature box. I'm far too busy with the hygiene of my followers than I am with crafting tales that actually garner popular opinion.
Here, step into my shower...
2746630
STOP! Suck my robot balls.
Now take a step back and let me freeze yours off.
A little carbonite bath
for your goose-steppin' ass
call my homeboy in Isreal
See who got the last laugh.
I like you. You make fun of things that bother me without being offended by them without being offended by them. Not a typo.
I love Sailor Jerry's attempt to get Jager to kill himself. Quite clever.
2751825 Half the things I'm making fun of in this story are bad habits of my own. I certainly don't find myself offensive. Mostly just shameless.
2760174
No, I meant some of the dumber HiE tropes, both affecting the human and the ponies.
I real a lot of MST so normally when these things show they just get torn into, also with satirical trollfics. But here you poke fun at them, showing them to be dumb, but it's more "this is silly, look at how silly this is" than "F*** THIS BS."
2761167 Ah, gotcha. I doubt there'll ever be any real vitriol behind anything I write in this fic. Partially because I do still like fics that have some of these fanon stereotypes. But mostly because I write stories about cute, multi-colored ponies, and injecting too much cynicism into that process would seem like a betrayal of why I like the show to begin with.
This... This.
A lecture-story!
With examples. It's perfect.
2792205 Perfect? Perfect, you say?!
If it were perfect, that crazy ass pirate bastard would have stopped lecturing me (read: threatening me with an untimely demise) long ago.
Does it still count as a lecture-story if half the crap that's lectured about is lectured to me for my bad writing habits?
Am I consciously trying to use the word 'lecture' as often as lecturely possible for no reason beyond simple intoxication? Even if 'lecturely' is not the adverb form of the word 'lecture'? Even if there is no adverb form for 'lecture'? Even if I have failed miserably to create a new word like Shakespeare did with 'luggage' by writing 'lecturely'? Even if I chose 'lecturely' instead of 'lecturous' because 'lecturous' sounds too much like 'lecherous' and we haven't even had dinner and a movie yet? Am I just as prone to be 'lecturely' as I am 'lecherous' when I'm as inebriated as I am now?
The answer, my friend?
Lecture.
2951821 i.qkme.me/3paiy2.jpg
This is the most awesome fucking story I've read in a long time. Hell, it's more of a blog.
I need to write this shit down, and you need to get drunk-as-all-fuck more often.
3011731 Methinks a blog would be terribly more informative and less interesting:
Day 1: I submitted my chapter, finally! Thank God, I have some breathing room. Time to get drunk to celebrate!
Day 2-5: I've got an idea how to meld the story to the narrative I have in my screwed up brain! Time to get drunk to celebrate!
Day 3-6: Even though I've hit a roadblock, I've gotten 500-2k words of the next chapter written! Time to get drunk to celebrate!
Day 4-7: I'm writing a story, and have been drinking copiously for hours! Woohoo, time to get drunk to celebrate...oh. Well, I somehow wrote a few thousand words since then, may as well submit the chapter!
Day 8: I just reread what I published. What have I done?! Time to get drunk to commiserate...
The reality is terribly less interesting than sociopathic rum and defenestrating awful beers might suggest, let me assure you.
3012613
... You sure know yourself well.
Point made.
Take out the word "bad"; it's redundant. All stories centered on "Human-Crazed" Lyra are bad, and everyone should ashamed of themselves for liking such a ridiculous fanon. Hell, I'll even go as far as to say that the origin of the fanon makes absolutely no sense whatsoever (but I won't get into a full rant about it since this is not my story).
About time someone mentions redtube it's always pornhub or hentai Haven with the idiots writing these stories.
Oh do you roll your own
9221477
I do. Much, much cheaper that way. I technically use filtered tubes and a tobacco injector, though.
9222225
I know my mom used to roll hers as well as well I just smoke the cheap dollar cigars from the gas station