Twilight Sparkle has been an alicorn princess for just about a week, yet she still doesn´t know what she's supposed to do as the fourth princess of Equestria or what it means to be an alicorn. An invitation to the Crystal Empire from Princess Celestia will bring light into those matters—and much more than just that.
100% approved by Twilight's library - yay~ <3
Disclaimer:
I haven´t seen MLP - Equestria Girls yet. This fic is based solely on the first and second Equestria Girls trailers and of some early screenshots—and of course my own imagination.
Lots of thanks to Harwick who made this awesome piece of art and allowed me to use it! Please check out his work on deviantart if you haven´t already! :D
Harwick´s art
Also many thanks to Oddheart who proofread my description and pointed out all my faults in it! :)
*another thanks reserved for my proofreader once he sends me the proofreaded chapter*
Please use proper tense in your description. When you do, you'll get a lot more views and drive away a lot less potential readers.
It's suck that the moive is tommor
2728304 The movie isn't out until the 22nd, at least not in my area
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Me too
The story actually made me a tad hyped for the EQ-Girls, dood. (that hype was stabbed by Flash Sentry though, but it'll survive, dood.)
The format of the story was a little hard to read at times, maybe space them out a little, and the only spelling mitake I could find because I can't proof-read or edit at all, is the weird random lower case 'i', that all needs to be capped, dood.
This is probably better than my first try at fanfics, dood. I wish you luck and keep going at it, practice makes perfect, dood.
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Using the proper tense is pretty hard for me. One of my english teachers had a laughing riot for 5 minutes when i tried to speak more than 5 sentences in english (my pronunciation is even worse than my grammar XD) and another one asked me if i was trying to speak english or paskistani.
But you´re right, i gotta learn how to do proper tense else some readers will see the description and turn away cause if the grammar in the description is already bad why should it be better in the story?^^
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At least you guys can go and watch it in the cinema...
From what i´ve read the special is a pretty good one, not great and the villian isn´t the best, maybe bit better than Sombra but no Chrysalis/Discord, but all in all its very enjoyable.
tomatocritic
So far it got 81% and 3.9/5.0 rating on rottentomatoes by 806 user ratings. Seems like the whole movie is your average MLP episode but three episodes instead of just one. And given that the average episode is usually better than many other nowadays cartoon´s good ones, i can see why its rating isn´t as bad as i expected it to be.
I thought we would deal with 60-65% likes and around 3.0-3.5/5.0 ratings by now. Though that might come the more bronies watches the movie and rates it.^^
So i hope for you guys that you will have a fun time when you can finally watch it on the big screen. :)
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Sorry for that stab. XD
But i heard Flash Sentry is much more harmless than i wrote him in my fic so you don´t have too worry too much about him. :3
Yeah, i can see that my format gives too big chunks of words at once. There were even much bigger before i tried to correct as much as i could myself.
Maybe i will look over it again and tinker a bit on the space once my proofreader sends me everything i did wrong.
Random lower case of "i", when did that happen?
Thank you very much, i´ll try to work on another couple ideas i got and upload them once they´re done.But then i will get a proofreader in time and not click on the wrong button when trying to write a new chapter. XD
How far are you with the AJ chapter and did you hear from your proofreader about the sober RD mini yet?
2730792 Sober RD is still... I'm thinking of getting a new one for Sober Rd, and work has been draining my will to work on AJ, dood, I might be able to squeeze something out since I dunno my schedule yet, dood.
What else can be said? Great story. Loved how you used every piece of the trailers and still managed to make it work together.
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Then i hope the next proofreader is quicker with the RD chap than the old one.
Yeah, i know how work can drain your ability to write lots of stuff or be creative with your storyline. I still got to work on some University stuff for tomorrow. <_<
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Thank you very much.
Well, this was an interesting reading, I think that you did well incorporating elements of the trailer in the fic and keeping everyone in-character.
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So the movie is at least watchable, that's good news(both for the fandom and the future of the series), even if the movie won't hit theaters here in Spain, I'll search a way to watch it.
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Oh...
OH GOD IT'S PEPPY!!!
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Thank you. :)
I wanted to let everypony and Spike to have to say something more than just one or two sentences. Even Owlicious got his little moment.^^
I know in the actual show the ponies will say less, after all its only about ten minutes and mirror explanantion and stuff needs to happen, so i wanted them to have a bigger role in this fic.
I´ve seen some spoilers on derpibooru, looks like fun. :D
Guess the weakest point is the villian just like with Sombra. XD
But Sunset Shimmer is still better than him: She could talk. XDDD
Sorry that this took me a while to get to! I quite enjoyed it, and I especially like your proposed idea for Twilight's new position as Ambassador. It's a role I've often thought she would fill well myself, so this fits nicely within my own head cannon. It was fun seeing her friends and Twilight debate the ramifications of this future for her, as realistically, its hard to see them all staying together as their lives continue further and further down the line... But I really like the idea that the elements would grow more powerful to the point where they don't all have to be physically together for them to be effective either.
Some fun speculation all around!
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Thanks alot for reading, Harwick. And again MASSIVE thanks for letting me use your amazing picture as a header!
I can also see Twi doing very well in an ambassador role and i liked the thought that Cadance had such a cool and important job which is why we haven´t heard from her till the wedding. Also it explains why Celestia is almost never out of Equestria (or did she ever leave it for some diplomacy stuff?) as Cadance handles such stuff as a rightful princess of Equestria. With some of her magic of love tricks ofc.
Hmmm, i and probably we all know that friends won´t always live in the same town or even the same region/country/continent. Twi having to leave for a long time/long periods of time and the others being too busy with their own lives/work/dreams/etc. was such a thing. And ofc its something Twi doesn´t want to do, not see all her friends whenever she want after she finally made them.
Its what i think EqG is about, that Twi will learn how to be a princess while still being a friend to the others and believe in herself that she can do that, mix the princess job with her social life with her friends,
Its where that "upgrade" in their friendship comes in as to show that they´re still friends no matter how many miles lies between them. And also why they can let Twi go through the mirro/why Twi enters a total new and strange world on her own cause they know they still have each other. Even if Twi is on another planet.
I will try and train more on my writers skills so that i can do a better story the next time i ask you for allowance to use one of your pictures as a cover.
I was going to say the word "Proofreaded" doesn't exist, but it seems my online dictionary app is betraying me.
The word 'read' is already past, present, and future tense; just pronounced differently ('red' for past and 'reed' for present and future). Since 'read' is part of 'Proofread' it should make it past, present, and future too. So it's just 'proofread'.
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But i have seen other writers using "proofreaded" so many times now i thought that was the right word. D:
Thanks for correcting me though.^^
This was good. I did want to mention, however, that in places that you used "cause" should be "because." " 'Cause," " 'cos," or " 'cuz" are informal, and I highly (highly highly) doubt Twilight would say the informal version.
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Yeah, you`re right, i doubt that too. Can you please point me to the places where i should write "because"? Which reminds me to send my proofreader a mail when he´ll find the time to kill all my awful grammar faults/misspelling mistakes.
Thanks for pointing it out and for the nice comment.
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You're welcome, and here we go:
I have to admit that I like the "motherly smile and sisterly wink" part.
Also, the "i's" have to be capitalized.
I took out the parts where there were no "cause's" (hopefully that made sense).
Plus, you don't need to say "instead of Luna"; at least, that's my opinion.
Okay, with this I'm just being picky, I guess.
And maybe a bit silly.
Alright, I think that's it. I put it in the "find" box, and these were all the "offenders." And as you can tell, I bolded "cause," which (like I had said) should be turned into a "because."
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I wrote that many times "cause"?
I had no idea.
Looks like i got a real long way if i wanna be a decent MLP fic writer. Thanks again, gonna go and correct it right away.
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I always like helping people. And your story is good; it's decent; it's a great interpretation of how Twilight got to Earth, or rather an Earth-like dimension.
You're welcome.
And even really good writers make mistakes, keep that in mind. So keep writing!
EDIT: Take out the extra Twilight tag; you don't really need it. Put in Luna's tag instead. :)
I couldn't get through more than a few paragraphs of this. It needs work on spelling, such as "Owlowiscious" and "cocoa". (I can understand missing the first one, but not the second.) The letter from Princess Celestia shows the personal pronoun "I" being used twice without capitalization, which means there are probably more instances. Some of the wording is very awkward, such as "With Applejack she had physical workout on the farm appletree fields whereas Rarity spend time with her to relax in the spahouse." Your paragraphs need consistent indenting; either indent all of them, or none of them. Either one is fine, but don't switch back and forth.
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That critic is fair as this work still hasn´t undergone any correction at all. I overloked the two "i"s and will correct them right away, thanks for pointing them out. As for Twi´s pet name; I always had problems with Owlowiscious name. Sorry for that.^^;
Cocoa is a hot chocolate drink in my homeland...I should have just written chocolate after all..... :c
As for the akward wording, I'm often thinking in german when writing down those sentences so what would sound okay in german sounds pretty weird in english but I tend not to notice that as I'm, to be honest, pretty bad in english. :/
The indenting part was my biggest problem as this was my first fic and it got refused to get online for this very reason: It had none. My writing programm does that automatical yet when i copied it over here everything was uhm... "un-indented". So in my panic to quickly get the demand by the mods done I rushed through the paragraphs and intended what I believed was right.
That's how this inconsitent came to be - I just didn´t gave it much thought and had hoped for an editor to look over it. Sadly I haven't heard from him since a while and he hasn't answered my mail either. :C
I got a new one though who was really helpful with my second fic and he promised to look this over once he finds time to do so. <3
Thank you very much for still giving it a shot, even if you didn´t read it completely. And massive thanks for taking your time to write such a well-critical comment. I'll make sure for my third fic to keep those points in mind and make double-sure that an editor or two have seen my work and corrected it before I send it online.
Would you mind if I send you a message once this fic got edited so that you could read it again? This time without getting your fun spoiled by akward wording and bad grammar? :)
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I think cocoa is pretty well known everywhere.
As for the English language, it can be tricky. It has the same roots as German, but has been exposed to a lot of influences over the centuries. I've heard it said that English is the most difficult language in the world for a non-native to learn, but I don't know if that's true or not.
Glad to hear you have a non-vanishing editor to work with. I'd be happy to read this again once you have had a chance to work on it with him/her.
Phew, took me awhile to actually read this. I wanted to actually watch Equestria Girls first, which I finally did. It was actually fairly good, though with a few standout issues. Namely Sunset Shimmer being a rather generic villain, especially given that she's meant to be a counterpart to Twilight, a very complex and well-developed character. Between her and Sombra, Shimmer probably had more personality, though Sombra had "Evil is Cool" going for him. Guess those two are a tie for worst villain. Flash Sentry...he's not a bad character, he's just a bit too bland to be a love interest, and it happened waaaaay too easily.
I have to admit, this is more characterization than Sunset Shimmer got in the movie, though I wasn't happy with the focus on Twilight x Flash Sentry. I did however, enjoy the debate the characters had regarding different reasons Twilight should or should take this job, and all characters had good points.
Various wording and grammar issues, some of which have been pointed out.
Definitely loved the Role Playing between Spike and Owlowiscious, especially Sir burp
Dignity thy name is NOT Spike 
Hmmm
Excuse me while I squee my voice out at the two cutest ponies
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Yeah, Equestria Girls was hardly the best movie or even a very good movie, but it was pretty entertaining mostly cause they kept Twi and co in character in their human form and cause of Spike's great role as a puppy. :D
And in motion the designs of everybody weren't brain-bleaching either. XD
True words about Sunset Shimmer and Flash Sentry, they could have been done better, like Sunset Shimmer in the MLP comic. Jesus, what a selfish, powerhungry biatch. I loved it. <3
>Various wording and grammar issues, some of which have been pointed out.
Yeah, sorry about that.^^;
I have a proofreader who will be finished with looking through this fic tomorrow then I can upload the grammatical better looking chapter. :)
Yeah, the roleplay of Spike and Owl....whateverhisnameis and the argumenting of everypony for Twi's job/future were my faves as well. Mostly ofc cause they were not hinted at all in the trailers and so just my pure imagination whereas for other scenes I had to think up stuff fitting to what I heard and saw in them.
Fluttershy is the cutest, isn't she? And so is Twilight, just less in adorable and more in adorkable direction.
Thanks for reading and commenting, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Greatly improved readability, plus I liked the story. Thumbs up.
Oh, and there's something I almost forgot. The reason I read your story in the first place was because you submitted it to this group:
tinyurl.com/mbho6go
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Thanks, glad to read it and am sure Timberwolf is also happy to read that.
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Yeah, but sadly I couldn't upload Honey(on the)moon there yet 'cause it got way too many fics there.
Though Honey(on the)moon latest chapters don't have been all proofreaded yet though there's somebody dedicated to it who's working on it. :)
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Wait a second? Did you just approved this fic for Twi's library?
Oh holy cow, AWESOME!!!
Thank you very much, Eric!
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I did approve it, yes. Just a quick note, though -- it turns out it's against FIMFiction rules to put an image in the story description, so we've been having to ask people to take those out. But it'll be here in the comments, and you can put it in a blog post about this story, or something like that...
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Didn't knew that. Haven't noticed that in the rules though then again I haven't seen any pictures in descriptions before either. o.o
But I do like that pic very much, it's such a cute and adorable and lovely one. :c
And what if it's a really tiny picture? One that's really small? Would that be less of a problem?
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Sorry, the site's story submission rules state that we're not allowed to post:
I had to take it out of the description for one of my stories, too. And of course if you have any other stories that have been approved, the website's rules apply to them as well.
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Got it. It's sad though, that cute pic in the description was easy to see for everybody kinda like the "made in germany" brand. Too bad that's not allowed 'cause it could easily become such a brand too for Fimfic.
THose are feet