• Member Since 25th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 28th, 2015

world1245


Hi, I'm Austen. The picture is of my OC Victoria Bass, and um, I write.

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Source

With a new, beautiful girl showing up just before the start of winter break, Austen has a limited amount of time to make his move. The shy girl is Austen's match in every way, but what will happen when he finds the real reason she came to Joplin.

(Note: I started this story before Equestria Girls. Though, later on, I may make some references, this is not an Equestria Girls story.)

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 5 )

I'm not sure why, but I actually kind of liked this... :moustache:

Okay, so if you just read my story and did not like it. Go ahead and push the thumby down button. But it would be apprieciated if you would tell me what you didn't like, so I can make it more enjoyable. Please and thank you.

World1245

Name of Story: New girl at school

Grammar score: 7 out of 10

Pros: Mystery: When you've read as many HIE or such stories as I have, you tend to notice people over explain things or get lazy, not explaining everything out of the gate is something I like here.

Pretty image?...oh gawd...: Its eye catching, for me anyway. Capturing a passing lookers attention with an awesome summery or 'eye capturing' picture' can get them interested enough to give your story a shoot.

Easy on the eyes: The format in which your story is told, like placement of quotes or indents is pleasant to my senses.

Cons: Grammar:I found 'just' a few little mishaps, like-
("I noticed. Well, sorry about being late, I missed the bus." [I tell her a I leave the classroom.] I quickly speed down to biology, and get in right as the bell is ringing. "Morning, Welling," I say to the teacher.) See, little things like this and others.

Pace: This is debatable, especially considering how short it is, but the day in your story, or how ever many hours it took felt rushed/quick. Again, if you have a story reason for it, like I've been told its by the main characters perspective so its supposed to feel fast then good show.

Non-important plot characters have no personality: Kinda of self yadda yadda, look I know its tough to think about but you need to do something with other characters in the story. Anything more to help us remember them, besides a name.
(That's just me though, ask around it might not be important after all)

Notes Section: With what little of the story I was able to read, I'm not sure how much I could really help. Shy is okay with being human I see, so clearly this didn't just happen yesterday, or it did...anyway! The protagonist could do with a bit more personality, even if hes your typical Gary Sue type with no obvious flaws, they still need 'characteristics' for identifying purposes. Sides that you have my interest as far as where the story is going, that's something.

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Lost in Everfree Its a HIE story too, also ft. Fluttershy ^_^

Oh really? Well this is new development I did not foresee.

2878521 First off, dude, I love you. You're amazing.

Secondly, Thanks for reviewing my story.

Lastly, I just realized that even though the character is based on myself, I realized I was portraying my most boring side.

Again, thank you for reviewing.

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