• Member Since 14th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen August 22nd

Kryptchild



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A four chapter tragic romance told mostly from the perspective of Fluttershy with occasional cuts to Pinkie's perspective.

Fluttershy is dealing with some conflicting emotions, but her day brightens when Ponyville's premiere pretty pink party pony pays her a playful visit.

Catastrophe strikes before Fluttershy has a chance to reconcile her feelings, however. Will the shy Pegasus be able to juggle her feelings and this new crisis? Or will she be forced to choose between her friend, and her own happiness?

(Guest appearances by Mrs. Cake, Nurse Redheart, a rooster, and 2 story based OC health care ponies Nurse Cura and Pharm Party.)

Cover art by http://feujenny07.deviantart.com/

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 29 )

Even though I don't like shipping, this looks interesting. Tracked.

Not tracked, favorited. To read for later.:derpytongue2:

I.. I'm going to have a good day.

Thank you, kind sir. :pinkiehappy:

221151

I hope you do! And you're definitely welcome.

I'm not fond of stories that bring human disease into the Equestrian world, but this was done so well I just didn't care. It was original and heartwarming. It didn't focus on the disease, but the changing relationship between two characters. Excellent work.

221594
Thank you for the in depth comment! I went in with the hopes of using the disease as a problem to cause further problems for the characters to solve and through experiencing the trials and errors, develop both internally and externally. Based on the responses I've gotten here and DA (though few they may be thus far) I managed to pull it off.

A side goal of mine was to show that a certain somepony isn't actually crazy! They just do almost everything exponentially.

221676

Of course. There are too few people to try and present Pinkie like that. So thanks for that too!

Plot holes, typos, inconsistence characters, and way too much plot convenience... and yet I kind of like the story anyway but not above a two out of five; sorry. At least it was interesting enough that I read the whole thing.

222692

Well then could you please point out the typos (I know "hooves" instead of 'hoofs' is one, about to fix that!) plot holes, character inconsistencies, and plot conveniences you saw? And what could have been done better?

Please do be as specific as you can, so I can fix typos, take notes, and use that information to improve my future work.

-Constructive- criticism is like candy to me.

Well to find the typos again I'd basically have to proofread the story... what I can remember is that there were a lot of missing apostrophes for possessive nouns, "Fluttershys" that needed to be Fluttershy's, and the word 'neither' I don't think you spelled that right once.

The plot conveniences were things like how you left some characters out, especially Rarity and Applejack, you accounted for Twilight and Rainbow Dash but not the others; and some plot holes in the story were like Mr. Cake was going to come by the hospital to see Pinkie, but he just didn't, and Mrs. Cake was going to bring Gummy to Fluttershy's house, but then she just didn't.

I think the problem there is that you wanted to focus the story on the Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie shipping so much that you neglected almost everything else; even if the characters, Rarity and Applejack in this case, don't appear in the story they should be accounted for. When the story says 'This is going to happen.' then either make that happen or give reasons for why it doesn't happen. It's all about upkeep, keep track of all of the characters even if they're not in the scene or the story at all.

As for the inconsistencies, it wasn't much really, Fluttershy acted very self-conscious in the first chapter but then you just threw that out the window... at least, to me, it felt like she changed suddenly and with little reason; it wasn't really a big problem though.

It was mostly the plot conveniences that brought the story down, in my opinion, 'Putting characters on a bus so you don't have to deal with them.' as I've seen it described; by the way where was Angel... I don't remember if he was there?

On the plus side I did think the story was adorable, interesting, and kind of emotional; I realize that a two star might sound like a low score but to me on a five star scale a three really means average and a two is under average but not that bad.

225670

Thank you for the reply, I'll have to look into my future apostrophe usage (though I googled "Neither", that one I was using right unless I left the 'i' out in the first half, I know I spelled it right during the second half)

I did sort of crap out on Gummy and Angel. Mr. Cake I explained that he had Pound and Pumpkin cake to look after and he had to close up shop (and put away everything).

I didn't go into detail with rarity and JA because they were still in Ponyville (mentioned just before Pinkie arrived), and not really on Fluttershy's mind. There have been tons of episodes where multiple of the main cast are totally left unaccounted for. I will in the future try to keep the others in contextual mention for future stories when appropriate.

I'll admit I took Fluttershy out of character quite a few times. It's not easy to go anywhere when the protagonist is scared of her own shadow... But that's one error I can sorta live with, but will try my damn hardest not to make again.

Again, thank you for the in depth analyses of my story! I honestly hope you'll have a chance to read my next finished project when it comes out. To be honest you're the first person to actually look at my work critically outside of simple grammatical errors.

:yay: I have a critic!

figures pinkie would have a stroke

These feels, I cannot hold them all, I salute you good sir!

My only complaint is that it's not long enough :heart:

286764

Perhaps I'll build off this story some day when I can figure out a fresh conflict to throw at them. In the mean time I have other works to do!

Holy huge words here!
I'm not hating though. Definitely puts up the drama! :pinkiecrazy:

Didn't care about the typos, loved the story. :pinkiehappy:
KK time for sleep. Flutters is calling... :yay:

No! That can't be it! There must be more! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO END THERE?! :fluttercry: :raritycry: :pinkiesad2:

This is honestly one of my favourite stories. It just isn't long enough. :fluttershysad:
Then again, for me, long enough is 'it doesn't end', and most can't keep up with that. :twilightsheepish:

That aside, this story is a truly beautiful thing to behold. I felt so sad, and yet so happy. My brain became confuzzled. :rainbowderp:

I love it. I truly, truly love this story. :pinkiesmile::pinkiesmile::pinkiesmile:

Sincerely,
ChrisTheCat

402488


Heheh, thanks! God I wish I had the chops to do a never ending story. I may some day continue this story, considering how popular it's been (so far *knocks on wood*) but I'll have to come up with some new conflicts to throw at the characters.

Happy ending or should i not read it? PM me so to leave no spoiler, otherwise a reply will do :twilightsmile:

Does..... Does Pinkie have diabeetus?

Nice story. I've been considering making stories in which each of the mane 6 are hurt or injured in a life-changing way and get comforted by another one of them, but I can't think of anything for Pinkie aside from taking her sweets away. Any ideas?

Anyway, thanks for the story.

major kodos to u on a nice endin to a mainly sweet but, kinda sad fic :heart::pinkiehappy::heart: and can't wait to read t squel whenever u get t chance; no rush thou :raritywink:

:fluttershysad::pinkiesad2::fluttercry: WHY!!!!!!?????? PINKIE-SHY FOREVER!!!!1

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE (100000000000000000000000000000000000000 LOVES LATER) LOVE IT!:fluttershysad::pinkiesad2:

You did AMAZING! I love Flutter-Pie (Pinky-Shy)!

“Muffins!” somepony in the crowded store agreed.

DERPY!!!!!

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